Puck

kdcat

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I've been wandering around these forums now for a couple of weeks looking for answers and advice...
At the end of October I was given an 8 week old tabby kitten that I named Puck. He was the sweetest most loving kitten I'd ever known. His first day with me we went to visit my grandfather at a nursing home and Puck snuggled up into my arms and calmly walked around with me. Purring as elderly residents pet and loved on him. He was going to be a great therapy cat and I was excited to be part of this journey.
As with most kittens he wasn't all snuggle all the time. He'd run from one room to another... Tackle his "brother" (my almost 2 year old 11 pound monster Toby). Puck would run around biting and scratching all night... Until usually an hour or do before my alarm went off when he'd curl up close to me and fall asleep. He was the perfect combination of a lap cat and a playful kitten. I thought I'd have a permanent crick in my neck from him always sitting there.
After 2 weeks I decided to bring him in for his kitten surgeries and shots. Yes, I'd made a poor decision in deciding to declaw him. But he was already set to be alpha and I didn't want him to hurt my two older declawed cats.
Puck went in on a Thursday. They cashed me and said everything went great and I could pick him up the next afternoon. I called the next day and was told there was a little bleeding on his paw and they'd like to keep him one more night. The next day I was told he'd agitated his paw somehow and it was swollen. They were giving him Epsom salt massages and it was going down. By Monday I was feeling lonely for my baby. I went in to see him. His foot was enlarged and he had a cone head but that didn't stop him from jumping from the table to the counter and eventually settling into his favorite place on my shoulder. He stayed till Wednesday when I demanded my kitten back. He didn't have a fever he was eating and using the litterbox. The vet showed me how to massage his little paw and we went home. The first thing he did when I let him out of his carrier was tackle Toby. We spent the next couple days snuggled under a blanket watching movies. He'd cry wherever I left the room. He'd vomited a few times. Always clear and be always went to the litter box to do it. He was drinking water and catsip but I couldn't tell if he was eating. He felt thin but purred loudly from his perch on my shoulder. I brought him in Saturday afternoon for a check up. His foot wasn't swollen but didn't look normal. The vet told he was perfect. The tendons in his paw were contracted but would go back to normal. We went home and settled in for a quiet Saturday night. He did vomit again (the vet said this was a reaction to his clyndamycin and to just stop the antibiotic). This time it was yellow so I googled it and it said his tummy was empty. I brought him a bowl of food. Set it next to the cat fountain where he was laying. He looked at it but didn't pay it much attention. At bed time I carried him and placed him on my bed. He laid at the end for a while before jumping off. I got up for work the next morning a little early as v Toby had been biting my head. Toby and my female, Gypsy, were both in my room. I looked under the furniture where puck sometimes hid. I walked into my loft and Toby laid down at the end of the kitty tunnel. I saw Puck laying in there and reached in to b pet him. Be didn't move so I lifted him out. At some point during the night my healthy 11 week old kitten laid down in the tunnel and passed on.
The vet couldn't offer me an explanation. He had seen Puck the day before...
Now I live a life of irrational what ifs... What if I'd bright him into the ER after he vomited? What if I'd taken him to another vet to begin with? What if he caught something and gave it to my other two?
I still hear his meow and half expect him to run down the hallway. Toby and Gypsy look under every chair and bed. They are glued to me.
I'm devastated beyond words. Its too real that nothing I say or do can ever bring him back...
 

di and bob

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Please, PLEASE stop blaming yourself, you would never intentionally hurt your baby, and all those what if's bring nothing but heart ache. I too hold so much guilt for the death of my little one and I know what a weight it can be on your shoulders. But then I remember that they would NEVER want us to be so sad when we think of them. Life goes on and whether we want to or not we have to be a part of it, carrying all of our pain and suffering until time dulls the memory and the hurt. You must try to remember the good times and how good your little boy was. Your baby leaves you with a legacy of love, try not to dwell on the death but celebrate the love you two shared. Take that love and share it with another, in that way you honor your sweet Puck and pass on his legacy to you. Thank you for your beautiful tribute to such a sweet boy, I'm honored to know of him and what he meant to you. I'll cry for you both and keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Take care........ RIP sweet Puck, you will never be forgotten!
 

jcat

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I'm very sorry for your loss of Puck. It must be incredibly difficult to have to say good-bye to such a youngster. RIP, Puck. :rbheart:
 
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kdcat

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Thank you for your kind words. I've never dealt with an unexpected loss of a pet before. This has been a difficult experience especially understanding that there's nothing I did or could do to bring him back.
I'm so glad to have had him for just a few weeks.
 

bgregory

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I'm so sorry for your loss.  I understand the "what ifs."  I've been dealing with them for 2 months since I lost my kitty.  However, I do try to make myself realize that sometimes things just happen, even when we have done the very best we could do at the time.  It's natural to look back after the fact and start analyzing, trying to find out what we might have done wrong.  You did nothing wrong.  You loved your kitty and did what you felt was right at the time.  Please don't torture yourself over this.  Try to take comfort in knowing that your Puck was fortunate enough to know what love was because of you.  May he rest in peace.
 

mnm

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oh gosh, I'm so sorry as I can only imagine how devastated you are. I agree with the others, you can't go down the "what if" road.... as we all can say that no matter what stage, or illness, our kitties have been in. And for the note.... my two were declawed at 2 pounds.. my hubby wouldn't allow us to adopt them if they had claws...but they didn't miss a beat... jumping on the furniture the same day... so don't beat yourself up about that decision, you did what you felt needed to be done in order for him to be part of your household. Again, I am so sorry for your loss.
 

catconcern

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Hi ld cat. I understand your pain. Sorry for your loss of your beloved baby.. I feel like u. It hurts knowing I can never bring my boy back. I feel like, is this real? I can't believe it happened. Knowing they are gone forever hurts like hell. I lost my boy in July and i can't believe it happened.
 
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kdcat

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It marks one week now. Since I last held and snuggled my sweet boy. Here I am curled up in the same spot. In the same sweatshirt... Watching hockey just as we'd done last week.
I realized this afternoon that soon I'll check my mail and he'll be in there. Then it'll be real.
My cat growing up left home one day and never returned... The thought was he'd been eaten by a coyote.... I still believe that Socs will show up one day.
But knowing that Puck is gone. And there's no amount of praying or wishing that will bring him back is worse than anything.
I'm afraid to express my sadness because nobody understands.
I miss my kitten. And it never gets easier?
 

mnm

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.... (hugs).... I know how rough it is...and yes... there will always be a bit of sadness when we think of what we are missing, but along with that comes smiles of what they did for us... and the deep sense of gratification that we did our best to give them the love that nobody else did. It will get easier.
 

di and bob

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KDcat (and all of us ), time has a way of softening the pain, but we will never forget the ones we loved and lost, nor should we. Each time we share our pain with someone who understands, it lets a little of the agony escape, like a wound that is drained. Please know that eventually you will think of your baby with smiles instead of tears, your precious memories are stored safely away in your heart. May you all be blessed for caring for and loving one of God's creatures so much, to hurt so bad is what we go through for loving someone else so much and receiving their love in return. But to have never known them at all would be a tragedy of the heart. I know in my heart our precious ones would never want us to remember them with such sadness, but with joy in our hearts when we realize what a treasure we received when we shared their love. It just takes such a long time to finally arrive at that point in our journey along that painful path, and all of us must travel it alone in our own way. Please know that we share your pain and will help in any way we can. Take care.....
 
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