Devastated. I put my best friend of 15 years to sleep for an upset stomach.

Thursday Nov. 6th around 2:20 AM EST I gave the Vet attending my beautiful Elizabeth permission to euthanize.  

10 mins later I was cupping the head of my lifeless cat in my hand, heartbroken, but thinking I had done the best for her, relieved she did not have to suffer any longer and grateful to the clinic staff for being available in the middle of the night.  

Elizabeth was adopted from the Jacksonville, FL Humane Society in 2000.  She came as part of a Y2K special bundle that included a kitten, identification tattoo on belly, spaying/neutering and feline leukemia.  She had been my best friend over the past 15+ years, for long stretches my only friend and I miss her now more than I ever thought I could.

The last chapter of Elizabeth's story began in late October...

Friday Oct. 24th (2 Weeks Prior) - Initial Vet Visit

For several weeks prior to the Oct. 24th visit to Elizabeth's local vet she had been throwing up more than normal, occurrence would usually be once a day in the early morning hours.  I also noted a decrease in the amounts she was eating and a noticeable loss in body weight.  Her belly area remained a good size and this I (incorrectly) thought was a positive.

At the Vet, after getting her weight (had lost 2+ lbs) and vitals (normal), I related all her recent behaviors that were concerning me and he preceded with a physical examination.  It was during this examination he was able to detect and palpate a large mass he believed to be a tumor in her abdomen, likely cancerous, with few options for treatment.   He did give an option of exploratory surgery but given her age and the size of the tumor it would be a one shot deal, if they opened her up and it looked bad she would not revived.  I did not consider this option an acceptable risk, the Vet and I agreed that her quality of life (until the end she loved to hide out and pounce on our 2nd cat, a 3 yr old) still being good that I would take her home, try a liquid diet to improve consumption and dose her twice daily with prednisone to help with pain, inflammation and increase appetite.

That same day, immediately after the Vet visit, we packed up our van and left on a trip up to NC for the weekend to visit my parents in the mountains.  It was during this trip I made up my mind to unearth off the internet any promising alternative treatments of cancer and tumors in cats + find the best options available for her unique dietary needs and with these develop a daily routine for Elizabeth to best improve the longevity & quality of her life.  Amazon was my friend, receiving the bulk of my order of items for Elizabeth's care that weekend.  I supplemented the Amazon order w/visits to two PetSmart stores on the trip back, mainly to get liquid and high caloric dietary requirements I could start Elizabeth on immediately when we arrived home.

Sunday Oct. 26th - Home Treatment Begins

I stumbled out of the gate with Elizabeth's treatment on the Sunday we returned, pouring the liquid diet (looked like watery milk) in a bowl for her and squeezing the high calorie chicken paste out on a paper plate.  1 hour later, nothing touched.  4 hours later, nope.  6 hours later, I throw in the towel and gave both to our outdoor cat whose appetite is voracious, he gave it one sniff and walked away.  Bad start and Elizabeth displayed little interest in her regular Fancy Feast in gravy food except for licking up the gravy and taking a few nips off the top.

Thankfully over the next week the Amazon order started to trickle in and with these new options I increased, refined and constantly reworked Elizabeth's daily regime.  Her appetite increased in small amounts day to day, also thanks to some online blog posts I soon discovered the wonders of homemade chicken broth and how the smell of it would find its way into every corner of our house.  With Elizabeth's increase of appetite for regular foods, I switched the liquid diet food to a supplement only, using it to wash down the 4 - 6 pills she needed to take daily.  The high calorie chicken paste was introduced into her diet by loading it into a large syringe, often mixing in a powered or liquid herbal requirement, and administered in the afternoon/evening hours.

From the start Elizabeth was amazing, the constant pilling, squirting this liquid or that paste into her mouth, dealing with the constant pain of arthritis & now the tumor with only predisone to manage it; through it all she stayed strong, a fighter, giving what affection she could and never once showing signs of giving up through the daily ordeal of that first week as I made many mistakes in attempting to create an effective daily routine.

Monday Nov. 3rd - Routine locked in/Advanced Pain Management

A couple days into the 2nd week I believed I had developed a working, manageable daily schedule for Elizabeth.  Her appetite continued to increase day over day, she was very fickle as I often had to give her 2 or 3 food options simultaneous to her daily staple of homemade chicken broth, but she was eating much more.  She had also taken immediately to a scratcher bed I had gotten for her in the first Amazon bulk order, spending most of her down time stretched across it or curled up.  Another positive I noted was she had not thrown up in the morning for first time I could remember.  I was optimistic something we were doing was working, maybe even long term, but one thing I knew needed immediate attention was pain management.  I could see it her eyes, the way she would not react in her normal fashion to external stimulus, something needed to be done to address this and I felt it might be the final key in our fight for her health.  I typed up her daily routine on Monday at work, printed it off and took it by her Vet's office at closing requesting he review the routine to see if anything may be harmful or add suggestions. This is a cut and paste of what I gave the Vet...
Along with that request I insisted Elizabeth needed a pain medication prescribed in addition to the prednisone.  

Monday night was special, especially looking back now.  I won't go into every detail but she and I spent 6 hours together with Elizabeth being the center of attention.   Built a fire for her, multiple deshedding sessions had her shiny and relaxed, a sponge bath she enjoyed exactly as much as any cat can and the comfort of having her resting beside me, curled up on the couch, seemingly at peace & content.  Optimistic about the new pain prescription I would pickup Tuesday & Elizabeth's recent progress on the whole, that night I also made her a non-work/kid safe Windows wallpaper expressing her defiant attitude towards tumors & cancer.

Tuesday I called the Vet to get an update and was told Elizabeth had a prescription of Tramadal waiting.  I quickly read up about Tramadal on the internet, lots of positive comments and I was anxious to give her a first dose.  I left work early, picked up the prescription and went to the house.  The next 5 mins was not fun for either of us, Tramadal is bitter, like bitter bitter, even a tiny quarter of a pill was an epic battle to get down.  When it was all said and done, we got it down, I had a mangled finger and she was a frothing, unhappy cat but we got it down (her next dose I would successfully hide inside a 4Life capsule).  I had to go to the grocery store afterwards to pick up new options of cat food she might eat and stop by work to finish out a few things, on returning home 2 hours later Elizabeth was happy (probably high), pupils dilated, a reduction in pain obvious.  The Tramadal was working.  

I changed out Elizabeth's food options, followed by the evening pill routine, gave her a full body wipe down with some cat cleaning clothes I had picked up at the store and I went to bed with Elizabeth perched next to me on top of the couch, the last memory I had before sleep is reaching out and resting my hand across her body.

Wednesday Nov. 5th -  Elizabeth's Fight Ends

Wednesday morning I woke to find Elizabeth stretched across my chest, paws extended out to my face, ready to engage if her silent but clear message was not acted on.  My cat was hungry and she was not in a patient mood.  My response of "You hungry? Let's go get some food!" sent her jumping off my chest on a beeline to the kitchen.  When I collected her food bowls from the the previous night the Fancy Feast kitten formula I just bought her was eaten almost down to the bowl & her chicken broth had disappeared.

Over the past three days Elizabeth had had only one minor episode where she vomited up food.  That coupled with her increased appetite, what I would almost call a normal appetite, caused me to skip the high calorie chicken paste feeding the previous night.  She hated these feedings and with her eating good amounts on her own, I did not want to bring her any additional stress when it was not absolutely necessary.  With my job I often work & wake up at odd hours so Elizabeth did not receive her morning pill routine including the 2nd dose of Tramadal until 12 noon right before I left to start my day at work.

I stayed too late at work that day.  A busted pipe had recently taken out the hot water in our home, in the course of the plumbers investigated that issue a large amount of mold was discovered on the underside of the house.  No hot water + mold had prompted my fiancée to gather up the kids and temporarily move out to a friend's house on the lake for the week.  I stayed behind, not wanting to stress Elizabeth out with a sudden change of environment.  The entire week when I was at work the house's only occupants were Elizabeth and our other indoor cat Spree.

I'll say it again, I stayed too late at work.  I arrived home only shortly before midnight, what would have been the outside range of the Tramadal's 8 - 12 hours being effective in blocking Elizabeth's pain.  I remember several times that day into the night at work wanting to go home before I did and spend time with Elizabeth, a happy, playful Elizabeth not haunted by the constant pain of arthritis & tumors.  I can tell you not one thing I did at work that day was so important that it could not have waited, been completed another day, allowing me to go home and enjoy time with and provide comfort to my best friend.

When I arrived home and went to open the door I had a clear vision of Elizabeth hearing the key opening the lock and positioning herself at the kitchen entrance, ready to stalk my every movement until new food selections were laid out for her dining pleasure.  I believed I would see a continued improvement in her overall appearance & health & expected empty bowls from the food I had laid out before I left for work.  None of these thoughts & hopes I had were close to the reality I found when I opened the door.  Door opens... No Elizabeth... walk into den, move to walk around couch, Food Barely Touched... another step, Elizabeth.

I found Elizabeth that night laying on her side across the cat scratcher bed with a look of obvious pain and a pool of clear maybe yellow tinged vomit directly in front of the scratcher bed.  Those two things with her food being almost untouched sent me into a panic state.  I attempted to pick her up but she moved from the scratcher bed and shuffled into our bedroom,  I repeated variations of "What's wrong baby?" & "I'm sorry sweetie, I'm so sorry" over and over.  Elizabeth would move to a spot and stop but every time I tried to approach her she would quickly skirt away from my touch, everything about her body language said she was in intense pain and it was then I noticed the abdomen area where her tumor was located seemed almost double the size it had been and her breathing seemed rapid or shallow.  There were spots of feces on the bedroom floor that had not been there when I followed her in.  I knew my cat was dying, dying a slow painful death internally with me helpless to stop it and that is when true panic visited me.

I called Elizabeth's Vet, Voicemail... Googled phone number of another Vet in town that I thought may have after hours service, Voicemail... at the end of the VM they gave the number for two area clinics that had overnight emergency service.  I called back to write down the clinic phone numbers, my cell died, battery drained.  Put phone in charger, checked on Elizabeth, she was back in scratcher bed laying on her side like I had found her when I walked in, this time I did not approach her and went back to my laptop.  Google searches for emergency pet services in surrounding cities, nothing.  My phone had charged enough to start back up, I call Elizabeth's Vet again, at the end of Voicemail he recommended the same two emergency service clinics as other Vet.  I call back again and write number down for clinic that was first on both Vet's VM, plug the number in Google and get the address for emergency clinic.  Did MapQuest directions and sent them to my cell.  I find a car charger for my phone and go outside to put towels on all the seats and plug phone in, I call Elizabeth's Vet one last time and leave him a VM stating Elizabeth had taken a bad turn, it did not look good, I was going to contact the emergency clinic then wait 10 mins for him to call me back, at 10 mins if I had not heard from him I said I would leave to the emergency clinic, Elizabeth needed to see a Vet as soon as possible.  I hangup with Elizabeth's Vet and call the emergency clinic, a female voice comes on after 2 or 3 rings and I tell her my cat is in bad shape, I think I may have to put her to sleep and I would be leaving from about an hour away.  She gives me the cost to euthanize and tells me to drive safe.  I go back inside, Elizabeth is leaving her water bowl after a drink and goes back to lay down on her scratcher bed.  I grab the bed with Elizabeth on it, talking to her the whole time, trying to reassure her while I was a nervous wreck inside.  And we were off.

The drive to the clinic still seems like a dream.  Elizabeth crawled into the back seat from the front early on and laid on her side never making a sound the entire trip, she is usually a screamer even on a short ride, her silence being further evidence of the pain she was enduring.  I tried to talk to her often, tried to put strength and comfort in my tone that she could pick up on, but emotions had started to boil over at that point and I doubt my tone was reassuring.  This whole time my mind was running a million miles an hour trying to think how or why this had happened to Elizabeth, Was it something I did?  Why so quickly? Had her body just shut down? Organ failure? Rupture? Was there any hope this was only temporary and she could recover?  I racked my brain all the way to the clinic and came up with very little to cling to that would result in Elizabeth making it through the night.  I was minutes away from having to make a decision no pet owner ever wants to make.  When I turned on to the last long stretch of highway that ended at the emergency clinic I came up behind a Semi-trailer with its hazard lights flashing, it was going fast, faster than I would have dared in the dead of night, afraid of the delay that would occur getting pulled over for speeding.  I followed close behind the Semi the entire distance to the clinic, I had the thought as we sped along the dark highway that this truck with its hazard lights on leading the way was an angel come to speed Elizabeth to a release from her pain.

I felt great relief as we pulled into the clinic parking lot, the people inside would help Elizabeth and answer the questions that needed to be answered, guide me on the difficult decisions that were soon to be made.  Despite this relief, my emotions at the time I would best describe as "ragged".  A young lady was exiting the clinic door to meet me after she saw I was coming towards the building, I tried to tell her Elizabeth was in the car, but my words were choked off, allowing me only to turn and point.

Fade to black...

Less then one hour later my sweet Elizabeth had passed, the decision was every bit the torture I had feared, but clear it was the decision that needed to be made. In the end I guess it was never really a question, would any pet owner put there 15 yr companion in obvious pain, despondent to all attempts of comfort, throwing up, diarrhea, dehydration, back into a car and drive an hour home with no clear idea what horrible internal conditions were plaguing them?  

Elizabeth was gone, but Elizabeth was free.  

The trip back was a tear-filled one, I don't remember much else.  After arriving home the next 2 1/2 hours would be spent moving out all items in Elizabeth's area of the house, vacuuming, mopping and cleansing until no part of her remained.  I would later find out this behavior fell under denial or stage 2 of the grief process.

Shortly after cleaning I left for work, what would follow over the next 10 hours was a powerful chain of emotions from relief to shock to despair to anger and back again.

Thursday Nov. 6th - Discovering the Truth & My Betrayal

This final section of Elizabeth's story is told purely through chats & texts sent to my fiancée and family in the hours following her death.
Monday Nov. 10th - Epilogue

So that's it.  Elizabeth is gone and never coming back.  I'm sure I shed more tears in the 24hrs after her passing than I had in the previous 24 yrs.  I carry a huge amount of culpability & regret not only for the cascade of mistakes that, like dominoes, fell perfectly in an unbroken chain, ending in her untimely death but also for not getting her treated sooner, especially for the pain that accompanied her ailments.  I know the last two weeks with me kicking everything into overdrive, that was overcompensation to assuage the guilt I felt waiting so long to act.

Concerning my anger at the emergency clinic, with some separation now, 5 days since that awful night, I am able to be a bit more objective and I do realize I am hitting all the classic stages of grief.  So yes, my feelings & thoughts towards the attending Vet & Vet assistant have mellowed slightly, losing some of their vitriol.  I no longer believe their actions were dictated by dollars & greed, purely looking to profit on my pet's demise, I can't think trained caretakers like that exist.  I have yet to find an acceptable answer as to why I would be kept in the dark, denied an accurate diagnosis of Elizabeth's condition but I have had thoughts the Vet harbored a misguided notion maybe she knew better for Elizabeth than me.  With such a limited view of Elizabeth's medical history & current state, only having what I had told her directly and information from a brief physical examination, I don't see how any Vet could decide to withhold a diagnosis, influencing an owner to euthanize, but that's the best answer I have right now.

I do want to end on some positive notes, first with a warning to other pet owners if you find yourself in a similar situation to mine, Do Not Panic.  Don't do what I did, be strong for your pet, calmly note all their symptoms and take 60 seconds to plug that into a search engine, educate yourself in case the Vet chooses not to.  Don't take a Vet's diagnosis or lack of as the gospel word, especially in an emergency situation, if you are given a diagnosis you disagree with have them explain their reasoning in detail. If you believe a diagnosis may fit your pet's condition and the Vet dismisses it, don't let them off the hook, have them explain every symptom & every reason that excludes your diagnosis.  And if it is a life or death situation like mine, exhaust the possibilities, question everything and if you don't get the answers you need, take your pet and find a Vet that can give you those answers.  Even if it's 2:20 in the morning.

And the last thing, the most important by far, I want someone besides only me to know the true grit and courage displayed by my little tiger tabby over her last two weeks.  Elizabeth fought through pain, force feedings, a constant stream of pills , car rides, vet visits and a mistake prone owner who made one too many.  Through it all she faced every challenge, overcame it and moved on to the next.  Elizabeth did not stop fighting until her last breath, it was the humans who threw in the towel, who failed her. Elizabeth never failed anyone.  I love you sweetie, goodbye for now.

oh I'm so so sorry for your loss. Gosh, I certainly feel you are reading into things way too much... you had a very ill kitty, and even though you "thought" she was getting better.... it certainly doesn't mean that she was..she may have had a little spurt of energy that even humans do sometimes when the end is near. I believe you protected her from a lot of suffering in the near future with her cancer... let alone being medicated so much and her eating habits weren't normal...I believe she was on her way to suffering and she was blessed to have you prevent that. Fifteen years is a whole lot of awesomeness that you gave Elizabeth and she knew that

I do feel for you and I understand totally - I had to go through the same thing with my Cinders only yesterday. When you have a very sick cat, who has perhaps rallied and seemed better several times during an illness, the final decision is very hard, and you do not know if it is right. But Elizabeth was very sick, at the worst you took the decision a little too soon, but you never know - you may have saved her from more suffering with the same outcome. I think it is better to decide too soon than too late, and our kitties would thank us for it. Once you have come out of the dark place where you are now, you will see it all more objectively and will start to remember only the good times.

I'm very sorry for your devastating loss. We had to have an elderly, terminally ill (HCM) cat euthanized last year, after well over a year of ups and downs, chronic worry and intermittent hope that he was going to make it. Like in Elizabeth's case, the rallies were only temporary. It was a hard decision to make and was naturally followed by second-guessing. At that point he only had hours or a few days to live, and he was spared further fear and treatments that he had come to hate. Elizabeth's situation sounds very much like that, and I think in time you'll come to accept that you absolutely did the right thing.

RIP, Elizabeth.

My heart is just broken after reading your tribute to your beautiful girl, Because I know what you are going through and because your Elizabeth looks just like my beloved Chrissy who I lost almost two years ago. Don't beat yourself up, you did what you did out of love, you were definitely strong, you took on your baby's pain with a broken heart and ended her suffering. Please don't second guess or blame yourself, everything you did you did with love. Most of the time when we are dealing with something like this we are confused, bewildered, and very much afraid that we are not doing the right thing or not doing enough. Believe it when I say you did just right, you were with your baby at the end and it comforted her greatly. None of us know what to do in these situations, we all just muddle through the best we can. I can only offer you what comfort I can and try to share your burden so it is not so overwhelming. It does help to share your anguish with others who understand your pain. I wish I could help you more, but it is a lonely journey we have to take ourselves, and time is the only thing that softens the heartache. Try to celebrate the love you shared with your Elizabeth, she would be honored to know just how much she is loved and missed. And like my Chrissy, your Elizabeth would never want the one she loved so much to be so sad and to remember her with such pain. I'll keep you both in my thoughts and prayers, the heavens have gained one more beautiful angel. Please take care of yourself....... RIP beautiful Elizabeth!

I took my Cocheezie to the vet recently on a Friday. It was a one way trip. She too had a tumour. We'd known for almost a year. On the Tuesday of that week, she rallied and ate six times! Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday morning she ate almost nothing even though on the Thursday we threw a 'hail mary' pass and gave her a larger dose of ranitidine (nausea and upset stomach). It did nothing. We asked the vet to check her to make sure we had made the right decision at the right time. The vet said that the tumour had taken over her entire abdomen and it was suggested that there just wasn't room anymore for food. If your cat was in pain, there is the likelihood that the tumour was strangulating part of her digestive system. I had many moments of second guessing where all I wanted to do was rush back to the vet and tell them to bring her back, but I know in my heart that we did the right thing. Please let the guilt go. You did everything you could and more.

*hugs*  I'm so sorry you've lost your beloved, Elizabeth.  She was so lucky she found her way to your family.  I can tell you loved her and took care of her, going above and beyond what many would have.  I'm sure she knows you were trying to help her.  She stayed with you as long as she could, but it was her time.  She was sick and she was in pain.  Now she's at peace.

I'm going to ask you to be gentle with yourself.  It is natural to question if you did the right thing, if it was too soon, if there was something else you could have done. I'm glad you recognize that you are grieving. Guilt and anger are a part of that.  Try to remember that feelings are not truths.  Just because you fear that you jumped the gun doesn't mean that you did.  Your kitty did have a tumour and she was in pain.  Making the decision to have her put down was not done lightly. It was not an impulse thing. Trust yourself.

I can really relate to what you've written.  I had to have my beloved Ra put to sleep this past September.  I had so many doubts. I researched pet loss and grieving  and reached out here. When I felt a bit more grounded, I reached out to my vet to talk about my fears that I hadn't done enough for my poor Ra.  She reassured me that we had done the kindest thing by my kitty.  Perhaps it might help you to reach out to your vet.

This is a safe community to let your grief out in.  We understand.  You are not alone. 

Thank you all so very much for the heartfelt sentiments.  Reading through the replies in this thread and threads for other cats, equally as loved as mine, who have passed has without question been a healing salve on my hurt and guilt.

FWIW: Below happened tonite, I don't know what grief stage hallucinations & insanity fall under.

I arrived home this evening to find my fiancée doing homework with the youngest child.  He had a math project due next day that required he bring in a pringles potato chip can, having found an empty pringles can on the kitchen counter the previous day, I foolishly had thrown away the child's homework project.  Two mins later I'm in the mini-van headed in to town to buy more pringles. In the convenience store I get a text from my Mom.  She tells me she had read the post here, and how much Elizabeth's story touched her.  I checkout with my pringles and start the short drive home listening to an Alt-J song called Hand-Made off a mix CD, I think it was 30 - 35 secs in I hear a meow, my immediate thought is "Wow the mini-van speakers are pretty good bcs that's the first time I ever heard a meow" in this song.  Then I hear another meow and I start to listen to the lyrics, "hold me tight and I'll sink in", something about "scratching"... He is singing this for his cat!  Alt-J's lead singer wrote Hand-Made for his cat, that's cool.  I would hear two more meow sounds very distinct and clear before the song ended.

I spent a couple of hours at home with the family before I needed to come back in to work and complete some projects recent events had put on the back burner.  As soon as I get in the mini-van for the 5 min ride into work I queue up Hand-Made, no meows.

I arrived at work and pulled up Hand-Made on Youtube with lyrics on-screen  based off those lyrics & without the mysterious "meows" mixed into the track I'm thinking in a survey of 100, none of those 100 are going to say the song is about a cat.  Until the very last frame of the Youtube video, that's when I got the full body chills.  


I  googled the song details, it is the last track on Alt-J's first album, a hidden track, you have to wait through 7 mins of silence to hear it.

Elizabeth if that was you, thank you sweetie.

One last piece to add to the strangeness.

3 days ago I uploaded this picture of Elizabeth to my forum account as an avatar option, the photo was labeled triangle.jpg.

View media item 245124
Alt-J the band is represented by a  ∆ symbol, alt-J is the keyboard command on an Apple Mcintosh to make a  ∆

Grief Stage 4.5 - Pure 100% Crazy : )

I'm so glad you experienced that! I truly believe we get confirmations through devastating times, that help us heal.
Soon after Minnie passed, Mikki was sitting on my lap and raised her head...stared at Min's water bowl and her head then moved slowly over to Min's box that she used to lay in...as if Mikki was following something.
When I received Min's ashes back, the cremation's office wrote Minnie's name on the outside box with a lil heart and I thought it was so nice I took a picture of the box. The box was all plain white except for Minnie's name and the heart. When I looked at the picture later, there was an image reflected in scotch tape that was on the box. Minnie was a black/white tuxedo cat. Here's the image that I call my "lil angel" I hope you have many more comforting "visits".

For my brave fighter, hope it's all tuna fish clouds & diamond dust litter boxes up there, not a day goes by I don't think about you.

Until I see you again, another song for you to sing along with.

James - Moving On from La Petite Mort (the little death) 

   

Beautiful Elizabeth.  I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better.  I think no matter how much we love our cats and act in their best interest, we still feel guilty.  It was a blessing that you two met and had years of happiness.  Thank you for giving her a wonderful life.

I think that no matter the circumstances, when we are faced with such an agonizing decision it is very often during a time of panic and fear with little or no time to process what is actually going on.   We are forced to make quick decisions in order to alleviate our pets suffering.  Because of this, when the smoke clears we start re-evaluating the situation and try to make sense of what just happened.  We naturally start with laying blame and guilt upon ourselves, feeling that if we had reacted differently it would not have cost our pets their lives.  I experienced this feeling and reaction recently when I had to have my 12 yr. old friend, Tabby, put to sleep.  I was also in a state of panic and fear, trying not to let Tabby see it, but there was no way to stop it.  I have spent over a month re-analyzing what happened, and wondering if there was something else I could have done.  The reality was I had a hard decision to make at the time, and I could not stand to sit by and watch my Tabby suffer.  I just wanted to stop his fear and pain.  I know that you also did the best you could at the time with your dear Elizabeth.  You did not want to continue to watch her suffer.  You loved her too much for that, and she knew she could trust you to do the right thing for her when the time came.  It is the ultimate act of love to put our fears and doubts aside in order to help our pets end their suffering.  You did what you had to do because you loved her that much.

Oh my goodness l'm in tears here after reading what happened. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Know that Elizabeth is safe and well again at the bridge

I'm very sorry for your loss.  It's hard when we lose out kitties, out loving companions we've had for such a long time.  It's natural to look back on it all, and think "what if".  I did it as well, I goggled all my kitties symptoms and tried to figure out what happened.  Know that if it was the lactose intolerance, you tried to do the best for your kitty.  What you did, you did out of love, (the kitten food and the euthanasia) and a decision made out of love cannot be bad.  I know it might be hard to see, or accept, I know I still have guilty thoughts about my girlie.  But you gave Elizabeth the best life she could, you took such good care of her.  

The vet thought my cat had cancer, due to her blood work.  I never got diagnostics done (due to her age and didn't want to do invasive diagnostics) but the vet thought it might have been cancer in her liver, which then metastasized.  Her end was quick, and like Elizabeth she had really good days right before she passed.  She (Princess) went into respiratory distress and they couldn't stabilise her.  It's hard for me to accept that she's gone, cause it was so quick.  But what I'm trying to say it that, with a cat with cancer, the end can sneak up on us before we know it.  And it can be so sudden, it's very hard.  

Princess had irritable bowel syndrome, and she dealt with stomach issues all her life.  I know you might not believe this (I know I have a hard time believing that it wasn't my fault), but I don't think you did anything wrong with the milk.  Elizabeth was fighting cancer, and it could have been internal bleeding.  My vet said that it can be a slow process sometimes, especially with cancer kitties. I understand looking for something that changed that initiated her death (for me, it was a memory foam pad that I didn't let de-gass, that she was sleeping on), but you'll only make yourself feel worse.  The symptoms you described (bloated stomach, diarrhea, vomiting and dehydration) are very non-descript, they can be caused by a number of things.  According to her symptoms, Princess could have had five different issues, some treatable or managable, some not.  Try not to beat yourself up about it.

Think of all the good times with your kitty, they are far more in number than time she died.  RIP Elizabeth <3

(ETA: like you, it also feels that I jumped the gun with her euthanasia.  Princess went into respiratory distress at 4am (that's when I woke and noticed it), and by 6am, we were back from the vet, cat-less.  It feels as though I woke her up, and killed her.  I know logically that she was in distress, I didn't just imagine it, but it still seems that we went to bed, then woke her and took her to be euthanised.  I know it can be hard, but remember that she is no longer suffering)    

(ETAA: just a thought I had, but do you know for sure that the kitten food had lactose, and not lactose-free milk?)

One year apart.  I love you NO, more every day.     

- SOC

These anniversaries will be forever burned into our souls, may your sweet Elizabeth comfort you with the memories you carry of her. RIP beautiful Elizabeth, you will be forever held in a loving heart!

What a beautiful tribute.  Your love for your beautiful Elizabeth will live in your heart forever; nothing will ever change that.

Thank you for sharing this. I have a very similar story, after being there for my guy's birth when I was just 9. He was my only friend when I had none. When I was almost 18, and almost 20, we lost my older brother and my mother. Our only two family members from our childhood home. Joey is my only surviving immediate family, and it kills me to know that I am going to be in a similar position soon. We've had an amazing 18.5 years so far.

I really do want to thank you again for sharing your experience, in depth, while it was so raw. I've been looking all over to hear these experiences. I've seen a lot of loss, watching my brother slip rapidly over less than 12' hours, and my mom in an ICU over three days. Through all of that, I only feel even LESS prepared for the inevitable. We all know the day comes for us to say good bye to every soul we encounter. I just never imagined I would be the last one remaining from my childhood home, at 28. And I never imagined going through this without either of my other two family members. Joey and I are blessed with a great extended family and many loving and affectionate friends - I'm so grateful for that. But saying good bye to him feels like letting the last piece of my family go, and ultimately, the biggest part of me. You have helped a lot, I'll understand just how much in hindsight, I'm sure. I'd rather know what to expect, instead of arriving at that point totally blind.

I hope your little one is celebrated and remembered well. Those of us who have or have had geriatric cats are blessed to have so much time with our closest friends. We share a bond that most will never understand, especially being together from birth. I suppose nothing is free though. Ultimately, the more time you have to grow close, the harder the inevitable will be to accept for some.

And one more time, THANK YOU for sharing that. Thank you so much, all of you.