Having a hard time with the loneliness and heartache

It's been almost one month since I lost my best friend and companion, Tabby.  Instead of it becoming easier as the days go on, I find it getting more difficult to believe that he's really gone and I will never see him again.  Everywhere I turn I expect to see him, but he's not there.  Whenever I'm gone during the day and return home at night, I get a twinge of pain in my heart when I open the door and he's not there to greet me.  The tears still come every night, and in the mornings.  I still haven't been able to put away all of his toys.   I live alone, but I never knew how lonely I would feel without my warm-blooded companion curled up on my lap at night.  He was a feral cat, but became incredibly bonded to me and needed my affection and attention more than anything else in life.  We shared that incredible bond and he trusted only me for 12 yrs.  I still feel like I let him down somehow, although I know that's not really true.  I had to make the decision to let him go when I was in a full-blown, crisis mode so now I keep second guessing the decision even though the vet didn't give me any other options due to his advanced heart condition.   One minute he was here, the next he was gone and I had to drive home with an empty pet carrier in my car.  Sometimes it still just seems very surreal.  I actually woke up the other night thinking I heard him meowing at the foot of my bed.  I'm having a hard time getting past this, and just felt I needed to share these feelings with others who know the pain I am going through.  Thank you for listening, I am very grateful for this site.

Hi there. I can certainly understand the pain of losing one of your best friends and to lose them suddenly is especially difficult.

First, do not second guess your decision. You loved Tabby and I am confident made the right choice. Second guessing at this point is not good for your healing.

Second, I am so glad you were able to have such a wonderful, loving experience with another living creature. So few people can achieve that. You both were lucky to have met and shared in each others lives. Do not regret this amazing experience.

Third, may I suggest you keep yourself busy so you think a little less about Tabby by going out with some friends or family more often or even taking up a new sport, hobby, class or throw yourself into work for a bit? After awhile when your thoughts do wander to him the sting will be less. If you are in need of some friends there are plenty out there if you look. Facebook, Meetup, Twitter are all great ways to meet new friends.

I have lost two cats in my adult life. One was taken away young, and tragically after which I was not ready to love another pet for many years.

The second cat was lost Oct 2013 and she was almost 15. Her death was imminent. She was ill like Tabby, and I knew there was nothing I could do. It was her time. Soon after her death I wanted another cat to love. So I went online and picked out Whitney at a shelter. I do not regret it.  Whitney needed a home and I needed her. It was one of the soundest decisions I ever made and I could not be happier and I like to think she is happy I choose her.

You need to take care of you now and do what is best for you. 

Thank you so much for your kindness in sharing your experiences of pet loss.  Tabby was certainly not my first loss, but I've never had a pet as dependent on me as he was, and I've also never had to provide the medical care giving that I had to provided for him, which strengthened our bond.  There was nothing I would not do for him.  I guess that's what made it so difficult, in the end I was not able to do anything anymore to save him.  I have been trying to stay busy, but the thoughts still come at night and in the morning.  I suppose like all of the other losses I have suffered in life, this too shall pass.  It just hurts so much right now.  I miss him terribly.  Thank you again for all of your kind words.

I'm so sorry for your loss.  Please don't second guess yourself.  You loved Tabby and still do.  You did the best you could for him and he knew.  

Hi.I am so sorry you are going through this terrible loss.I know the pain and loneliness you are feeling.It is heartbreaking to lose a beloved pet.My precious Mickey passed on July 8th of 2014, almost four months now He passed naturally at home from an illness that was diagnosed only a month before.He was always a healthy cat.I also lost other cats before him but Mickey was different.He was always there for me when life got hard.He helped me to survive the loss of my mother.I felt that I should have saved him but I couldn't. I will always miss him.It may never get easier.You just learn to cope.I did adopt another cat who needed a home and someone to love him.I also needed him as my home was so empty without my Mickey.My Shadow will never be Mickey but I love him for the special cat he is.He needs me and that helps alot.Again so sorry for your loss.I understand your pain as everyone on this site does.Please take care!! I know the loss is painful to deal with.

I'm so sorry you're going through this loss. In my life, I've lost 4 pets (2 cats, 2 dogs). One of my dogs, my first pet, was a victim on the poisoned dog-food when that epidemic broke down. She was young and her death was sudden kidney failure. I was a child- maybe 11 or 12- and even then I second-guessed myself. What if I'd done more, what if there had been a way, even though I know now there wasn't. Time does heal wounds, but it's going to take a lot of time. Try to keep yourself busy, as others have suggested, and don't dwell on it too much, but don't repress it either. If you need to cry, you need to cry. If you need to vent, you need to vent. 

I once read a quote that said pets touch us deeply during the period of our lives they occupy, but to them, we are their life. The pain of missing him is terrible, but he had you and your love during his time here. I hope that your heart will ease soon.

One month is next to nothing after 12 years of shared love, especially when such intense end-of-life care is involved. The acute grief does ease, but at its own pace. Be easy on yourself; many of us have been there and understand how you feel.

Thank you for these kind words.  I think I have been a little too hard on myself.  I think I'm afraid that if I try to let go it will be like forgetting about him, which I know is silly because it's impossible to forget.  How could I possibly forget such a beautiful soul that gave me so much love in my life.  There's just such a huge, empty hole in my heart that he once filled.  Thank you for understanding.

Thank you, what a kind thing to say.  I am trying to wrap my mind around the reality of it all, I think it's the traumatic ending that I'm really having a hard time coming to grips with.  However, it could have been so much worse.  I did give him every bit of love I had in me, and made sure to let him know how deeply I loved him and didn't yell at him for little things.  I knew our time was limited and did all that I could.  I'm trying to find peace with that.

Thank you so much.  I know what you mean, Tabby was the rock that got me through a very painful divorce.  I don't know how I could have come out on the other side of it without his constant love and warmth.  I prayed that God would let him stay with me to see me through it, and he did.  Tabby had a big job to do, taking care of me through those dark days.  He didn't understand where his Dad went, and that broke my heart.  I tried to give him double the love, if that was even possible, to make up for the love that he lost.  He was also battling congestive heart failure, so I tried to keep my tears and pain to myself so that he wouldn't have to go through any more bad times.  He had a good quality of life those extra two years, and he got as much love as was humanly possible for any pet.  He continued to purr through it all, and was a happy cat by nature.  We were quite a pair.  My friends thought I worried about him too much, they just didn't fully understand the bond that we shared.  He was a very lucky boy, and I was his very lucky Mom to have had him come into my life.  He wasn't just a pet, he was a wonderful friend and loyal companion.  I just miss him so much.

Thank you.  He always trusted me 100%, and looked to me for comfort.  It's just so painful that I couldn't do anything else to help him in the end.  I know I didn't actually let him down, but it still feels that way.  It was so out of my control and that is the part that still hurts.

I'm so sorry for your sadness. Yesterday marked 8 weeks for me losing Minnie. I still walk up to her picture on my dresser and can hardly believe she is gone. I know what you mean about that feeling of panic...like you'll forget them, even though you won't. We do still have her sister Mikki, but she's more attached to my husband, but Mikki will snuggle with me some, but it's still not my Minnie. I actually think if I didn't have to worry about Mikki getting stressed over a new kitty, I would do it.. just to give another kitty love they may not otherwise get. I think for me, giving would be healing.

Take solace, everything you are feeling is quite normal under the circumstances.   I am about 4 months out after losing my girl (the calico in my avitar) to illness.   I swear just today I was laying on my couch with my laptop and I heard her knock over some papers in the next room!   The severity of the pain that I felt initially has diminished but I still think about her every day.   

Feel free to post your feelings and converse here.   The support I received from the fine folks here helped me through those difficult and lonely days.

Thank you, I don't know what I would do without the support I have found on this site from wonderful, caring folks like yourself.  Bless you all for being there and for all that you have also had to endure.

Thank you, I know what you mean.  I have Tabby's picture right where I can look at him and still talk to him throughout the day.  It provides me a little comfort.  I can't imagine going the rest of my life without another pet in the house, my heart is so empty without that love to give and receive.  However, for now I just need to get through the grieving process of losing my closest companion.  I'm sure when the time is right I will know it.  Right now the pain is too intense and I'm not ready to "jump back in" after all of  the anxiety and stress I experienced over the past few years helping Tabby struggle with his heart condition.  It has drained me both physically and emotionally and I need time to heal.  

You have been thru a lot. I have traveled the same road this past year with a divorce and taking care of a sick cat on limited income. The stress and anxiety takes it's toll. Even today the panic attacks still come on in waves. I try to take one day at a time. Things have slowly been getting better. But yes, healing is the first priority for now.

Thank you for your reply.  I can relate to the panic attacks, I had them for two years as I would sit at night and watch each breath Tabby took, wondering if this would be the night I would have to rush him back to the ER for another episode of his congestive heart failure.  I had to make choices on whether to fly home and visit my very elderly mother, or stay home for fear something might happen to him while I was away.  The stress definitely did take it's toll, along with going through the divorce.  My mind and emotions are trying to find a way back to normalcy, but I don't know when that will happen.  I no longer have my dear furry companion to purr on my shoulder and make everything seem all better, even if for just a moment.

I agree, there's nothing like the stress after a bad diagnosis and continued worry and watchful eye. I would go to bed at 8pm just to escape it! To me, the stress of being worried and seeing Min ill and knowing how much worse it may get.... was much more wearing on me than the decision to let her go.

I lost my little girl, Chrissy, almost 2 years ago and I still get tears in my eyes when I think of her.  What you are going though is completely normal, a part of the grieving process. Sometimes I believe we will never be the same, we just learn to live with our loss, but we have to go on with our lives. I also believe that when we are grieving so much our babies can't go on, they want to comfort us through our dreams and by leaving us little reminders, your 'meow', my Chrissy left one distinctive ringed hair on my vanity each day for weeks. You have to mourn, but I do want to tell you it does help to try to share your love again with a new addition to the house, if for nothing else it gets your mind occupied with something else besides your pain. Your baby left a legacy of unconditional love and devotion, he would like nothing better then to see his legacy passed on to another deserving soul, not to be remembered with such pain and anguish. My heart breaks for what you are going through, many of us have been there and can only offer you support and comfort. This grieving is a path that only each of us can take. Please accept my sincere condolence for your loss, I'll say a prayer for both of you. 

Yes I know.  I used to go away for an overnight stay somewhere every now and then just to get away from it.  I had a friend who had a cat years ago with congestive heart failure, so he was very good at giving Tabby his meds on time and I could count on him to make sure he was taken good care of while I was away.  Of course this didn't stop me from worrying the entire time I was gone also.  It was never-ending, watching and waiting like a ticking time bomb.  I tried so hard not to let Tabby know how much it was affecting me and would just grab him and hug him tight to ease the anxiety.