A struggling caregiver...

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lovemycalico

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My cat was diagnosed with lymphoma in September and it has really hit me hard. I am depressed and easily upset and angry these days. I am pretty much the caregiver for her. My husband holds her so I can give her pills and gives her love but he is not really involved with her care. He isn’t making calls to the vet almost weekly to ask questions, going to appointments or researching medications etc. I think he knows what medicine she is on but would be totally clueless if he had to give it to her.

Having said all that, the other night we were talking about things and he told me that I am concentrating on the loss that hasn’t even happened yet. I should just enjoy the time I have with her. I am enjoying my time with her but it is hard to not be sad, possibly starting the grieving process because I am in the middle of everything and he isn’t. I have to monitor input/output, address issues, think of how far we will go to keep her going and keep up with her medications. In between all of that I am working a full time job, a part time second job I do at home and trying to keep my own sanity.

I have taken a ton of pictures of her, play with her, give her all the love she wants and she never gets into trouble when she knocks things off tables or gets into cabinets anymore. I have even let her go outside and walk around in the backyard a little (she is/was 100% indoor cat). I am trying to make happy, loving memories with her and not just put my head in the sand like everything is normal.

I started therapy a few months ago and started anti-depressants as well because I am still dealing with the loss of my father, who died of Leukemia 2 years ago (I was his only caregiver throughout his illness too and he passed away in my home). I think this makes it extra hard for me. My husband is what I call a “typical guy” and just wants things fixed. I know he is just as sad as me but he doesn’t show it the same way. He does everything I tell him to do but I have to tell him and that can be frustrating. I think my feelings are normal and valid and he thinks I am being negative all the time.

The lack of support from my family and friends isn’t helping things so I thought I would reach out to see if anyone else has had the same struggles, advice or would love to give me a shoulder to cry on. I find this site a godsend for information and advice and it has helped me so much in taking care of her but emotionally it's been a real struggle.
 
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di and bob

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Please cry away, you definitely have support here at this site! I too suffer from depression after my Chrissy died two years ago, I still cry when I think of her or see her grave. I do think women seem to get more affected by things like this, my husband cried but doesn't cry like I do now. I don't seem to get as much enjoyment from things I used to love, and constantly worry myself sick that I'm going to see another cat dead in the road, which is a real possibility with all the ferals around here that I feed. Your feelings are definitely 'valid' and you, being the caregiver, feel the pain more acutely. I, too, need to find a way to enjoy the present and not be so sad and angry all the time, maybe someone on this site can help with some suggestions that worked for them? Bless you for loving so much, you are definitely doing all you can. I'll keep you all in my prayers and wish you the very best. Take care of yourself and give your baby a kiss for me.
 

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Enjoying the time you have with your kitty is good advice, but easier said than done.  My first cat--who I called my "only child"--had kidney disease and didn't have long to live.  It was such a struggle--trying to give her quality time but knowing she could go at any time and I'd never see her again.  

It doesn't make things any easier, but know that many of us have been through what you're going through.  You're certainly not alone.
 

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Your feelings are definitely 'valid' and you, being the caregiver, feel the pain more acutely. 
  It is not an easy thing to walk through; twice now that you've also cared for your father as well.  Many of us have been there in some form or another.  Not everyone understands the impact our furbabies have on us.  People here understand.  And the anonymity of the internet can make it a little easier to say what is on our hearts sometimes.  
 
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lovemycalico

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Please cry away, you definitely have support here at this site! I too suffer from depression after my Chrissy died two years ago, I still cry when I think of her or see her grave. I do think women seem to get more affected by things like this, my husband cried but doesn't cry like I do now. I don't seem to get as much enjoyment from things I used to love, and constantly worry myself sick that I'm going to see another cat dead in the road, which is a real possibility with all the ferals around here that I feed. Your feelings are definitely 'valid' and you, being the caregiver, feel the pain more acutely. I, too, need to find a way to enjoy the present and not be so sad and angry all the time, maybe someone on this site can help with some suggestions that worked for them? Bless you for loving so much, you are definitely doing all you can. I'll keep you all in my prayers and wish you the very best. Take care of yourself and give your baby a kiss for me.
Thank you for sharing your story. I feel like we are in the same boat in several ways. I wish i had some suggestions or some magic answer for us to be in the present and find the happy in life. Maybe it just takes time but how long and at what cost is another story. Talking about it helps I think.


I gave my girl plenty of kisses and love tonight and then she threw up all over the kitchen so I went from okay to a ball of nerves. It is never ending.

I do believe that women feel more and hold onto things longer. Depression, anxiety and fear of the pain seems to stay with us longer. I haven't bounced back from my dad dying to be able to cope and handle my cat having cancer in my strong, take care of business attitude I use to have. It is way to personal and even more hurtful because its cancer. it would kill me if she had another illness but cancer brings back too much hurt and pain. I sometimes wonder if we suffer from a ptsd type situation when dealing with a terminal illness or death of a loved one, especially when the bond is so strong.

My cat is the only animal we raised as a baby together so there is something special about her for me. I love our dogs too and would do anything for them but my husband had our oldest dog (she is 15) before we met so he has a special bond with her and our other dog was a four year old rescue who is adorable and might find herself totally alone, which also breaks my heart. I know people hate to compare pets to human children but for some, if not most of us I bet we feel they are part of the family on this site.
 
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lovemycalico

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Enjoying the time you have with your kitty is good advice, but easier said than done.  My first cat--who I called my "only child"--had kidney disease and didn't have long to live.  It was such a struggle--trying to give her quality time but knowing she could go at any time and I'd never see her again.  

It doesn't make things any easier, but know that many of us have been through what you're going through.  You're certainly not alone.
it is a lot easier said than done but I try. On the upside (if this can be considered a positive) I am back on what I call the caregiver diet and have lost a lot of weight. I know that is not the best way but I did the same thing when my dad was sick. i am overweight anyway so I could use to lose the weight.  I am really hoping I will not feel as lonely by connecting with people on this site.
 
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lovemycalico

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  It is not an easy thing to walk through; twice now that you've also cared for your father as well.  Many of us have been there in some form or another.  Not everyone understands the impact our furbabies have on us.  People here understand.  And the anonymity of the internet can make it a little easier to say what is on our hearts sometimes.  
Thank you so much. It would be nice if others could at least fake some support but it always means more when it comes from people who can relate in some way or fashion.
 

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it is a lot easier said than done but I try. On the upside (if this can be considered a positive) I am back on what I call the caregiver diet and have lost a lot of weight. I know that is not the best way but I did the same thing when my dad was sick. i am overweight anyway so I could use to lose the weight.  I am really hoping I will not feel as lonely by connecting with people on this site.
You know, I went through something similar with losing my dad.  The very spring that we realized my dad was not going to live much longer, my vet told me that my baby had advanced kidney disease and would not be around much longer, either.  I thought the double whammy would do me in.  

Thankfully, the vet turned out to be wrong.  My Skittles lived a year and a half after his dire prognosis, but for a few months there, expecting them both to pass on at any time, was devastating. 

It's good to reach out--I wish I'd known about this site back then, but it didn't even occur to me to look!  I'm glad you found us.  :-)
 

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My 20 year old, Tippy, has been diagnosed with occipital lymphosarcoma and the vet and I are helping him have his good days.  When his quality is no longer there then I have to do the right thing for him.  It's not an easy decision but each day we go thru it together and I accept that he's not going to be with me for much longer.  The people on this site care deeply for our feline friends and this is a good place to be.
 

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Thank you so much. It would be nice if others could at least fake some support but it always means more when it comes from people who can relate in some way or fashion.
It would be nice; but I've come to accept that some will just never get it.  I've learned to save some of my cat talk things for here. 
 

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Hi lovemycalico,
I am truly sorry for what you are going through. Believe me I totally understand. I hate the word cancer.It is a terrible disease and it has taken too many of my loved ones, both human and cats.I lost my mom to cancer about three years ago.I was also her caregiver and still cry alot over her loss.It was my precious cat Mickey that helped me to survive that loss.More recently, Mickey was diagnosed with suspected colon cancer .I tried my best with him but it was too late.He lasted about one month after diagnosis. He passed on July 8th of 2014.It is about three months now.I mourn his loss each and every day.I feel very alone at times, as no one really gets it.The people on this site are great.They do get it and they all understand. I know what you mean about men and husbands.Many of them don't grieve the same as we do.My husband gets sad and grieves but keeps it inside and to himself.I show my emotions more as most women do.I know my husband cares but I would like him to show more emotions. I do hope your kitty has lots of time left.Love her and spoil her.Do all you can to help her and pray.I also had my Mickey since he was 6 months old.He passed at 13 years old.All my love and prayers are with you.Take Care of your kitty and also take care of yourself!! Give your kitty a big hug from me!!
 
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lovemycalico

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It would be nice; but I've come to accept that some will just never get it.  I've learned to save some of my cat talk things for here. 
I have started keeping my cat talk or issues to myself a lot and if anyone asks I tell them she is stable and change the subject. I just don't want the criticism anymore. I really like being able to open up on here.
 

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Lovemycalico - I am in tears now after reading your story.  It is so soon after losing my own sweet calico to cancer and one minute I think I'm okay, and the next I have dissolved in tears.  My DH told  me the same thing, going through her illness, that I was mourning her before she was gone.  I guess I did some of that, but it was so hard not to, looking at her and remembering her as she was.  We had 22 months with her that none of the vets expected, and we spent a ton of money to give her a good quality of life.  It was money we didn't have, but I would do it again in a heartbeat.  The end for her came when we were still hopeful that it was just a "flare up" and not a return of the cancer, but we got pain medicine for her and she didn't suffer.  She was the sweetest, most beautiful, loving cat in the world and didn't deserve the hand she was dealt.  And I know you feel exactly the same way about your baby.  Husband and I shared caregiving duties, but I know that once I came home from work at night he considered his caregiving done, and being tired like you have to be now can wear on your emotions too. 

I guess I'm just rambling, I'm sorry, I don't know if it helps you to know that others have gone and are going through similar pain.  I would say, cry all you want, but try not to do it around kitty.  I had a hard time with that one, but they can pick up on our vibes.  And this board really is a Godsend because we all know the pain you are feeling. 
 

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 It's so good we have each other. I'm so thankful for all those on the link that understand. I go into my study where Blaze's box was and where she spent the majority of her time in the last months, and I find myself talking to her and telling her how much I miss her.  Tomorrow her ashes will be laid to rest right next to those of her Mother. Now there's nobody to lay down on my keyboard when she thinks that I've spent enough time writing. I know what you mean about suddenly bursting into tears. I did that at work Friday and told my co-worker it was allergies. I knew she wouldn't understand so why bother trying to explain. On the  box where Blaze's ashes will go is inscribed only one thing, 'LOVE IS FOREVER".We all need to remember that. 
 

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I went through the same thing as sole caregiver for my Ra, who had diabetes and pancreatitis that I couldn't get stabilized.  It was mentally exhausting, cleaning up vomit all the time and seeing him in such pain.  I began to feel trapped, housebound because I couldn't go anywhere or do anything.  I live alone.  My life was built around his illness, medication schedule, monitoring him, and trips to the vets.  Very expensive with limited resources, too.  I loved my Ra, so, I was willing to do it but it did take a toll.  Like you, I was experiencing complex grief because I'd lost my mother, father and brother.  And Ra was family to me, so, his impending loss was very hard to deal with, especially since he was like a child and completely dependent on me.  I felt like I let him down in many ways, but I know this is quite normal.

I took lots of pictures and videos, and said many goodbyes.  Like you, I started the grieving while he was still alive.  It's perfectly natural.  And when it was time to say goodbye, I was mentally prepared. 
When Ra died, I had him cremated and brought his ashes home.  I also have a picture of him framed near the urn, which is shaped like a cat.  I kept a lock of his hair.  It comforts me to know I have them. 

Do what you need to.  Make the time you have left with your kitty special.  Please try not to worry what other people think.  What you're experiencing is very common.  When I was grieving Ra, I researched what I was going through online.  I read a study, which for the life of me I can't source right now, that asked people to place their animals and friends and family in their circle of trust, and half had their pets closest to them.  It found that pets give unconditional love, and that we often form child like bonds with them.  They really are our fur babies.  And when those of us who have bonded in this way lose them, we grieve them like family members.  In some cases, we grieve harder than with family members, especially if we've had strained relationships.  So, know that what you're experiencing is really normal.  Be as gentle with yourself as you are with your beloved cat. 

Thinking of you, and sending lots of hugs your way.
 
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lovemycalico

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I am so sorry that we have had to deal with such things. I want to post more specific responses but I am so overwhelemed with the support and caring from everyone. Right now I am emotional, more than normal and I don't want to cry at work. 
We have had a lot of what I call bad days and I had a serious talk with my vet yesterday so I am still processing and waiting to get the new bloodwork results back.
 

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My heart goes out to you, lovemycalico.  *hugs*  Please let us know how you're doing.  We're here for you.
 
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lovemycalico

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Hi everyone, thanks for asking about me. I'm really struggling as the blood work results were poor and just the vet visit last week has really put a strain on me emotionally. I didn't think I could be more exhausted. Last week my job really suffered as some things got out of hand due to my own issues and the atmosphere at work in general has become very tough to deal with on good days. I fear I will be posting in the crossing bridge forum this week or next. Today, we are doing our kitty memorial art project since I gave her the appetite stimulant so she might be up for it. I don't want to go into the health issues on this thread but as the vet said, we are doing everything right but we lost and are losing a lot of ground. I have been taking several pictures of her and trying to be strong. Even my husband has removed his head from the sand and realizing the time is here. I will be talking to my vet about options tomorrow. Thanks for the support. I didn't mean to vanish but things happen. As I'm typing this my kitty is eating (I gave her the appetite stimulate about 30 minutes ago).I hope she gets enough pep in her step for the art project and some outside fun.
 
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lovemycalico

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Well, my suspicions were right and I will be taking my girl to the vet the cross the bridge this Friday. I had a long conversation with the vet who also spoke with the specialist and there is nothing more they can do. I was hoping for one last ace in the hole (shots to stimulate her bone marrow) but they don't think it will work and its just prolonging the inevitable. We could try Leukran but she is weak and her hematocrit will just keep dropping. The vet things that we are at a point that we can't regain a quality of life. I am so glad we were able to do the Squinchy Memorial Art yesterday and made a fantastic memory. I can't stop watching the video and laughing. I can tell she is getting a little weaker but she hasn't lost weight but I don't want the time to come and it be a crisis situation. I want our vet to do it as we know her and she will let us stay with her the whole time.

I just bought a 30 day supply of prednisolone and Sam-e which I will not even get a chance to use from the vet last week. I was being hopeful, I guess I should have waited. I am not sure what I can do with the medications but I don't want to throw them away. I also have toys and cat food I need to figure out what I can do with because it doesn't seem right to keep them. If another kitty can enjoy them and eat like a champ they deserve it.

When my dad passed away I donated everything I could, from his picc line kits to the cancer center and his other supplies (shower chair, bedside commode, etc) back to the charity that gave us some stuff for free when he was sick.

I hope I have the strength to work the next two days without being a mess. I am taking Thursday off to spend time with her and of course Friday,
 
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