The Guilt

blixxa

TCS Member
Thread starter
Young Cat
Joined
Apr 23, 2014
Messages
25
Purraise
2
On Monday, I had to put my cat Blaze down. She was 17 and a rescue from the SPCA. Some one threw her in the dumpster as a kitten, and I adopted her at about 3 months. She had advanced kidney failure. I tried several things at the vet to keep her as long as I could. I was getting ready to take her in to her third appointment. She brushed up against me, which she had not done in a few days, sat down, looked at the floor and let out this little meow. I swear she was saying "help".  It was heart breaking. She didnt fight much going into the crate, and didn't cry as much on the drive over.

The vet checked her over, and said she didnt bounce back at all from being on IV all day two days prior. He said he can give her more meds, more fluids, but he didnt think she'd last the week unless I had her on IV 24 hours a day. Her kidney function was pretty much gone and there was no fixing what she had. I made the tough decision to put her down. She was fighting back when the vet was checking her, but then gave up and layed down for a while, then fought again. She wanted to go home. He gave her a sedative, and then while holding her, he put her to sleep.

I feel like I threw her love away. She is the only thing in the world that loved me, and I feel I put her down so I wouldnt be stressed or sad anymore about her. At the same time, after seeing her suffer for 5 days, and then not eating for the last two, or wanting to sleep with me (she always did)I feel that if I could have seen something wrong with her sooner, I could have prevented this. But as soon as started walking like she was drunk, I took her in. She was always there for me. I always looked forward to coming home, having her meet me at the door and roll around for 5 min. Cuddling on the couch, playing with her on the other side of the door. Now I come home to my tiny, sad apartment and there is nothing here for me. I did this. I cant undo it.

The guilt is consuming me. If I dont feel sad and am crying, I feel hollow.
 

catconcern

TCS Member
Alpha Cat
Joined
Jul 6, 2014
Messages
307
Purraise
45
Hi blixxa. I'm very sorry for your loss. That's a heart breaking story. U didn't throw her love away. Just the opposite. U loved her so much you couldn't stand to see her suffer, which indeed she was. Guilt is normal. Many here have experienced guilt after putting down their cherished child. You tried hard and did all you could. By keeping her alive you would have only been prolonging her suffering.. Also, many animals will fight to the end. It's that normal animalistic survival behaviour. Your baby was in pain and know you did the right thing by relieving her of such.

RIP for your baby. Much love to you and your deceased pet.

God bless you's both.
 

di and bob

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Dec 12, 2012
Messages
16,547
Purraise
22,888
Location
Nebraska, USA
I'm so very sorry for the pain you are going through. I wanted you to know it is normal to experience these feelings of guilt, you are grieving the loss of an important part of your life. Above all, know you did what was best for your little one, to prolong her suffering when there was no cure would have been selfish. You did what you did out of love. There are always those I should have's and the I could have's, but believe me we always hope things will get better, even though they seldom do. My heart breaks for your loneliness and sorrow, it takes a long time to get over the pain of a broken heart. Maybe some day you can open your heart to another little soul, it does help to ease the sorrow. I know that Blaze would never want you to remember her with such sorrow, but to celebrate and cherish the love you two shared. Bless you for your pain, I'll keep you both in my thoughts and prayers. RIP beautiful Blaze!
 

glencatman

TCS Member
Adult Cat
Joined
Aug 1, 2014
Messages
140
Purraise
11
Very Sorry for your loss, Blixxa. Guilt is a common feeling when it comes to getting your kitty put to sleep. I felt guilty for not spending an extra few minutes with my Sally before and after her injection, but I feel no guilt in knowing that I did the right thing, because she was old and suffering from advanced cancer. I kick myself now for not getting both my girls spayed as soon as they were old enough instead of waiting 9 years, which increases the risk of mammary cancer. I think when cats know when their time is up, they keep to themselves more, even though they love you with all their heart. My Sally stopped sleeping by my side when she started to go downhill, she would only sleep in her favorite chair. When I put her into the carrier on her final day, she went right in and laid down without a fuss, as if she knew, and wanted it that way. You did the right thing, and the ache will take some time to heal, and the same goes for me, It just takes time. Keep busy doing new things and spending time with your friends and family. Keep us updated. We are here to help you through this. 
 

Loving Mickey

Mickey , my heart and soul Angel kitty
Top Cat
Joined
Jun 13, 2014
Messages
3,199
Purraise
1,550
Hi Blixxa I am so so sorry for the loss of your beloved cat.I realize the pain is unbearable and I am so sorry you are going through this.Just know that you did everything that you possibly could for her.You loved her till the end and she loved you in return.You rescued her and gave her a wonderful life with you.She had seventeen loving years with you caring for her.I know it can be lonely once they are gone.All you can do is remember your wonderful cat with love and know that you gave her a happy life.Give yourself time to grieve and know that you did all you could to help her.Again I am so sorry!!
 

nurseangel

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Jul 6, 2007
Messages
10,132
Purraise
4,820
Location
1 Happy Place
I'm so sorry for your loss.  Everything you did for her was done out of compassion.  People like you are a blessing to animals; look at how much you loved her and still do.  I wish there was something I could say to help ease your pain.    
 

jcat

Mo(w)gli's can opener
Veteran
Joined
Feb 13, 2003
Messages
73,213
Purraise
9,851
Location
Mo(w)gli Monster's Lair
My condolences. The guilt you're feeling is normal - we always second-guess such an important decision - but you gave her the final gift of love by sparing her pain and fear. Trust your vet that her end was imminent and you would only have been delaying the inevitable by waiting a few more days. Being hooked up to an IV 24/7 would not have been in her interest.

RIP, Blaze. :rbheart:
 
Last edited:

inka

TCS Member
Young Cat
Joined
Jul 14, 2014
Messages
35
Purraise
4
Location
Florida
My sincere condolences on your loss of your sweetheart Blaze 


The guilt may follow you for months, at times breaking you to pieces. The panic of one split second that day, that moment you made the choice that can not be undone - choosing your pain to ease hers. We can not escape that guilt feeling, there is no way to get rid of it when it has you under its subtle or massive attack.

You have chosen to go through this hell because you love your cat, you gave her a wonderful and long life, and at the end you protected her from more suffering, even if it means your own suffering.That is what love does. You did for her what you committed for from the day the two of you met. All of it, the good, the joyful, the warm and sweet, and the painful.

Just stay with it and one day the tricky mind will give up on looking for blame, and there will be only love and sweet memories left.

Just stay with this for now, you didn't let her down, the illness was killing her slowly and you cut her suffering and protected her from more pain, just as you promised her many years ago, whispering into her ears that you will never let anyone hurt her again. She trusted you and you kept your promise.

One day, maybe tomorrow, maybe months from now, you will smile again thinking of Blaze, and you will feel her love deep inside, cause cats never really leave us, they only leave their body.

All my best goes to you, and a poem that has been comforting to me, may it bring comfort and peace to you 


When you lose someone you love,
Your life becomes strange,
The ground beneath you becomes fragile,
Your thoughts make your eyes unsure;
And some dead echo drags your voice down
Where words have no confidence
Your heart has grown heavy with loss;
And though this loss has wounded others too,
No one knows what has been taken from you
When the silence of absence deepens.

Flickers of guilt kindle regret
For all that was left unsaid or undone.

There are days when you wake up happy;
Again inside the fullness of life,
Until the moment breaks
And you are thrown back
Onto the black tide of loss.
Days when you have your heart back,
You are able to function well
Until in the middle of work or encounter,
Suddenly with no warning,
You are ambushed by grief.

It becomes hard to trust yourself.
All you can depend on now is that
Sorrow will remain faithful to itself.
More than you, it knows its way
And will find the right time
To pull and pull the rope of grief
Until that coiled hill of tears
Has reduced to its last drop.

Gradually, you will learn acquaintance
With the invisible form of your departed;
And when the work of grief is done,
The wound of loss will heal
And you will have learned
To wean your eyes
From that gap in the air
And be able to enter the hearth
In your soul where your loved one
Has awaited your return
All the time.



John O’Donohue
 

bonepicker

Animal Lover Extraordinare
Top Cat
Joined
May 17, 2014
Messages
3,350
Purraise
439
Location
ON THE LAKE NORTHEAST OHIO
You did what was right, people who are suffering should be so licky. You gave a wonderful life to a kitty that came close to having no life. You should be proud. When you are ready you can save another life![emoji]10084[/emoji]️[emoji]128062[/emoji][emoji]10084[/emoji]️[emoji]128062[/emoji][emoji]10084[/emoji]️[emoji]128062[/emoji][emoji]10084[/emoji]️[emoji]128062[/emoji][emoji]128008[/emoji][emoji]128008[/emoji][emoji]128008[/emoji][emoji]128008[/emoji][emoji]128008[/emoji][emoji]128008[/emoji]
 

torn

TCS Member
Young Cat
Joined
Apr 25, 2014
Messages
67
Purraise
23
I had the same feelings.   My baby was still walking and eating though.  One night, she looked at me straight in the eyes, as I was lying with her, and she just sighed.  She had been shivering and meowing like a little baby for a few days.   She was always a sick little baby, and I always brought her to the vet, had needles picked and probed in her..never really finding the cause of her sickness.  BUT, I did know she had asthma, a kidney stone, irritable bladder disease, Irritable bowel disease (these are not true diagnosis, but something the vets label when they can't figure out what is going on).  She peed on puppy pads...never really liked peeing in the litter box...Anyway, my point to you, is this....I made a decision to put her down because I didn't want to see her suffer anymore.  Yes, I had/have my guilt..the doctor suggested that I bring her in for more test, more picks and needles and so on and so forth....I made the decision to stop all of that then.  To put her in a better place.  I didn't know what she had that was making her loose weight until I submitted the blood results in (after I put her down) on this website...and she ended up having Dry FIB...a condition that over time (short period of time) she would have lived a painful silent slow death.  I ended her life before it got too bad.  And so did you.  You loved her so much...she was your baby.  I, and many others, can feel your pain.  I'm tearing now over my loss in May.  BUT, the pain will lessen. and you will feel better.  For now, Cry, scream, pray, and just know you are going to be okay.   

Read my thread, I think you can look it up.  It might make you feel better. 

You DID the right thing.  

With Love, 

Amy
 

robinathome

TCS Member
Adult Cat
Joined
Jul 7, 2014
Messages
105
Purraise
10
Blixxa I still feel the same as you, I sent Franny over the RBB on July 22 2014.  My vet said Lymphoma 85%...then I decided to go to another vet for 2nd opinion, and he had another opinion and thought he could save Franny.  She lasted less than a week from the 2nd vet visit.  Sub-q everyday at vets office, new meds, new healthier food force fed with a syringe.  along with syringe meds.  Franny slept with me every night for 12 years.  and now she would not.  I would take her out of her hiding space and she would leave me and crawl back in.  On Monday 3am I went to get her, hoping she may have passed but no she found another harder place to hide. So I brought her back to the orginal place in my bedroom closet.  At 8am she was still there but she had peed herself even though I had placed a tiny litter box right by her.  No water or food for almost 3 days unless I force fed her.  I knew it was over.  I knew I could not let her just lay there and die.  I called my vet and said my goodbyes.    This was the hardest thing I have ever done.  And even today a month later I still cry.  But I know I did the right thing.  BUT....I can not help but wonder...if I had got her to the doctor sooner...if only.   But then I remind myself that if she had gotten better there was still a small mass in her tummy that would have required surgery.  My Franny was an indoor cat.  This would have been too much for her.  But I still have guilt I think we all do.     When you are ready think about another little cat that desperately needs a home before their live is cut short in an animal shelter.  Give another little cat a chance and open your heart again.  We will never forget them(this was my 2nd cat in my life).  I am glad I went on to adopt Franny about 6 months after Ali died.  They were both soooo special, I could have never had better.   RIP Blaze
 

4pasquale

TCS Member
Kitten
Joined
Aug 27, 2014
Messages
1
Purraise
2
Location
Plano, TX
Blixxa,

I am so very sorry for your loss. You are not alone in all the what it's, second guessing and guilt. I could have written the last paragraph and sentence of your post. It's exactly how I felt when I sent Pasquale to the bridge on June 10th.

Poor Blaze was very ill, and there's just so much you could have done, though you certainly tried. Cats are such masters at hiding it when they don't feel well, it is so hard to know. It's also typical of them to fight to the end and for it to be an up down roller coaster. It's such a tough call we have to make and it's the price we pay for their love.

I second guess my motives all the time and like you, I keep feeling like I put my baby down so I wouldn't feel so sad and stressed any longer. Please remember you felt sad and stressed about watching Blaze suffer *because she was suffering.* You hurt because she hurt, so your choice really wasn't about sparing yourself. You didn't throw her love away. You made this heartbreaking, painful choice because you loved her. She knew how much you loved her and did the kindest thing you could. I hope you soon come to know you did the best thing for dear Blaze.
 

jlc20m

TCS Member
Adult Cat
Joined
Sep 28, 2012
Messages
241
Purraise
20
Location
vancouver, british columbia, canada
My condolences. The guilt you're feeling is normal - we always second-guess such an important decision - but you gave her the final gift of love by sparing her pain and fear. Trust your vet that her end was imminent and you would only have been delaying the inevitable by waiting a few more days. Being hooked up to an IV 24/7 would not have been in her interest.

RIP, Blaze.
Yes, I agree. I, too, am very sorry for your loss. Your decision was based on love and the act was love. Your feeling of guilt is understandable but misplaced. You did nothing wrong. I hope your wonderful memories of your beloved baby are a comfort to you. I understand the pain and emptiness you feel. Hugs and blessing come your way...

jlc20m


(Abby's and Angel Bella's mom)
 

ryan glenn

TCS Member
Alpha Cat
Joined
Jul 19, 2014
Messages
328
Purraise
24
Location
USA
I am so very sorry for your loss. I know how you feel. Just two weeks ago I had to put down one of my precious ferrets. I was so heart broken. I felt the same as you. Though what got me through it was knowing that I did everything I could to save her. Don't beat yourself up bout this. You couldn't stand to see in pain. You did what every responsible pet owner should do when their pet is in trouble. You tried your very best to make her better. It was her time. RIP Blaze 
 

ryan glenn

TCS Member
Alpha Cat
Joined
Jul 19, 2014
Messages
328
Purraise
24
Location
USA
Another thing that helped me was my other animals. They helped me see how bad my tazz really looked. They helped me realize that it was her time to go. 
 
Last edited:

kmd

TCS Member
Young Cat
Joined
May 7, 2011
Messages
71
Purraise
27
Blixxa:

I had a rough time with the second guessing and guilt, one thing that helped me tremendously, was a post on this forum from 10-14-11 by Gareth, called, "When The Moment Comes"... it has remained an active post, please read it and see if you can gain some comfort from Gareth's words...
 
Top