Very difficult coping with loss of our cat

We just had to put our cat to sleep yesterday. It is so difficult. We had him for 14-1/2 years. He was a Birman. He was so faithful and devoted to me. He was always at the door when we arrived home, he sat on my lap every monring for comfort and everynight. He would cuddle with us whenever he could. I can't get over thinking about the look on his face. In the end his belly was filling up with fluid and his lungs were too. He was having trouble breathing. The vet told us they could drain both and he may be OK for awhile, but he would soon be back for the same thing in perhaps a week or a month. He had heart and liver disease. I feel so empty having to put him to sleep. He depended upon us. He had never been outside. We were his whole world. I feel in the end I abandoned him since I did not take the step to make him better. My wife felt if was best for him since he was in distress. The vet did not comment is she agreed, but it seemed so. Why it is I cannot get over this feeling that I abandoned him and should have taken whatever steps necessary at whatever cost to keep him around longer. Everyone says he is better off this way. We took on the responsibility to feed, enjoy and take care of him when we bought him. I am normally a strong guy, but feel that I gave up on my friend. Is my feeling one of selfishness - thinking of me and not him ? Why is it I cannot deal with this ?

You did the most difficult, most loving thing any of us can do for a beloved cat. You spared him suffering, spared him more agony struggling to breathe. As hard as it may sound right now while you struggle to come to terms with his loss - it is better a day too soon than hours too late.

Our lives are longer than theirs. The time will come when they must leave us behind. Your grief is testimony to how much you loved him. Please accept my condolences for your loss.

I understand how you feel you don"t want to go down the road if there is anything else you could do to help keep them around. I know for a fact that when a cat or dog is tiered from the fight I have seen the look in there eyes when the fight has gone out of them. I saw that in my black lab after a back injury and he could not walk or go out side he was fine in the begin ten i saw that look that said i am tiered I don't know who we do it for us or them if we keep them here because we cant bring ourself to do that. Because  we feel guilty  that we did not do every thing in our power for them. Making that decision is a hard one if they are in pain or suffering then it is time. You did not give up on your friend. When we take on the responsibility to care for a cat or dog we know at some point our hearts will break when this day comes. Take joy in the good times you had with him trust me he knows he was loved. I to just lost my girl of 16 years old this sat  i found her as a stray 8 years ago and I took her in she got in to my heart and will always be there. Mine was a cuddle with me go to sleep next to my under the blankets. I try to think this if we had not found her that cold February day she would have froze we gave her a good home plenty of food love and warm places to sleep. So I try to think of the good times and not the bad time only time will ease your pain and take the time to mourn. We all mourn in our own way in our own time feel how you need to nothing wrong with that. I wish you luck and time.

Denardis, I feel for u and am very sorry for your loss. Believe me, I know exactly how u feel. I am going thru the same thing and out situations are very similar. I think u did the right thing, especially u mentioning the look on his face and the fact he was in pain belly up. U saved him of further pain. My cat was 15.5 years, I like u am a very strong guy ( ppl reading my posts would think I'm a woman lol ) please read my thread titled I lost my cat 4 days ago on this very same page. I have so much guilt like u, I blame myself, thibk I could have taken extra steps. I even promised my cat I wouldn't put him down on the way to the vet but I did. It's hard to live with. The point is, u r not alone. I, and many ppl know and understand your suffering and have gone through it or are going thru it, and there will be more like us.

U did the right thing tho. U prevented the inevitable and MORE SUFFERING.

Be good to yourself, peace my brother. May god bless you and your loved ones. God bless your cat.

Kills me as well. I don't think my cat was ready to die but I put him down many have mentioned their cat had that look in their eye that it was it. Mine didn't.

Oh and it's not selfishness. U just feel u didn't do everything u could but at the time I think u knew it was the best decision. It hurts because u loved your cat so much, it takes time, my boy died 4 weeks ago today. In still crying. I almost broke down in the gym and driving around the place. Tears on my eyes while driving while songs reminded me of him. Many ppl experience tremendous guilt when they put their pets down and second guess themselves. I have and still am. It's a long journey my friend. Also, the pain is deep because u feel for your pet so much and loved him dearly and you really care about his health, well being, thoughts, feelings and life.

It will be torment for u for a while, push thru it. I am. U know yourself. Do the things that will keep u sane. You will get to the point in the coming weeks where u will want to get by for your baby. Live for your baby and honour it the way your baby honoured you. Your baby wouldn't want u to suffer by all means grieve and it takes time, different for everyone but it does bet better. I was telling a friend today throughout the day I feel like a million dollars, others my mood changes and all the Guilt and what ifs come back and sometimes I feel like dying.

It just happened so it will be a terrible time for u. U will b in shock, disbelief, angry, sad, so many emotions many negative like the guilt etc. But I think everyone agrees here that u did the right thing and didn't want your baby to suffer. You saw the look in it's eyes u didn't want anymore of that for it. You just would have been delaying the inevitable and prolonging his suffering.

Talk as much as u like on here it helps talk to ppl that care, see a grief counsellor if there are any good animal ones around. Exercise if u exercise, when u feel like it. Get out, do things. Slowly but surely u will find u way back. The fact u care so much shows how much u loved your baby and it loved u. You're a wonderful person.

Much love my brother. May god bless you.

Denardis one way of looking at it is maybe like this? Say they drained the fluid etc, only for it come back again. It's kinda like being hit by a truck etc and going thru such a suffering and horrendous ordeal. U wouldn't want him to keep going thru that. Going bad, to get better slightly, only to go thru tremendous suffering and trauma all over again. I believe that's why you made the decision to end his suffering.

Sorry to ramble and keep posting in here.i just feel for u and know what you're going thru. A living hell, tremendous inner turmoil both physical and mental.

You did the right thing pal. Don't doubt yourself.

I'm so sorry your and your wife lost your fur baby. Please don't beat yourself up for what was done. Even if the vet had operated and saved your cat, he might have had a relapse, which would have meant more suffering. You did the right thing.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's only natural you second guess yourself, but by letting your little boy cross the bridge was making sure that he didn't suffer anymore 

I am so thankful for everyone's kind words. I has been three days now and I feel so awful. I am a 67 year old man and have always been the pillar of strength in our family however this has brought me to my knees with Grief and sadness. The other day I went outside to my car and cried like a baby. I just had to let loose. I had told my wife many times that I would not give up on him so easily until I was convinced he would not get better. We had a year ago had his lungs drained for fluid and this time it filled up again and it was also in his belly. The vet told she did not know how much longer it would be until they filled up again. I think sometimes I was too hasty and I should have had his lungs and belly drained again - but at the time in the vet hospital my wife and I thought if was time. I feel like I killed my buddy because i was not thinking straight and it is truly an awful feeling. I did not feel nearly this bad when my mother, father and brother died - since I more understood i guess and their situations were truly of a grave nature. Every day I look for him running around the house. I look for him in his favorite chair, I call out to him sometimes just to hear what it sounds like to hear be say his name, I have some of his fur and try to smell it as it makes me feel he is near me. I constantly have a lump in my throat about this. My wife tells me to get over it - but it's hard. As I have gotten older, I appreciate life so much more. It is a precious thing not to be discarded so easily. I never envisioned it would be this difficult - I am a terrible mess over this.

Thank you so much for your kind words - it is very much appreciated

denardis said:

I am so thankful for everyone's kind words. I has been three days now and I feel so awful. I am a 67 year old man and have always been the pillar of strength in our family however this has brought me to my knees with Grief and sadness. The other day I went outside to my car and cried like a baby. I just had to let loose. I had told my wife many times that I would not give up on him so easily until I was convinced he would not get better. We had a year ago had his lungs drained for fluid and this time it filled up again and it was also in his belly. The vet told she did not know how much longer it would be until they filled up again. I think sometimes I was too hasty and I should have had his lungs and belly drained again - but at the time in the vet hospital my wife and I thought if was time. I feel like I killed my buddy because i was not thinking straight and it is truly an awful feeling. I did not feel nearly this bad when my mother, father and brother died - since I more understood i guess and their situations were truly of a grave nature. Every day I look for him running around the house. I look for him in his favorite chair, I call out to him sometimes just to hear what it sounds like to hear be say his name, I have some of his fur and try to smell it as it makes me feel he is near me. I constantly have a lump in my throat about this. My wife tells me to get over it - but it's hard. As I have gotten older, I appreciate life so much more. It is a precious thing not to be discarded so easily. I never envisioned it would be this difficult - I am a terrible mess over this.

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I know it's hard to see from the inside, but those of us on the outside know you did the right thing. It will get better and time heals all wounds. I lost my cat Chancy after 15 years, and I seriously thought I was going to lose my mind. She had malignant stomach cancer and the vet told us he could try to operate on her, but that it wasn't likely she'd live. That simple statement that there was a chance she could have lived haunted me for years. 

I found relief in an unlikely situation. My aunt (now deceased) had a cat with cancer who was very very ill. This poor cat was enduring chemo for months, and eventually died anyway. The poor thing suffered constantly during this process but my aunt wouldn't let go. Once I saw that, I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt I'd done the right thing. 

Cats are regal creatures. They deserve to be treated with dignity. My aunt, God bless her soul didn't understand this, and she caused a lot of suffering in the process. Suffering that was all for naught. 

I hope this helps. 

I'm so very sorry for your loss, the hole it leaves in our hearts is very hard to heal and takes a long time to fill. It's a normal part of grieving to second guess ourselves on what we did and what we felt we should have done, there is never a correct answer that leaves us satisfied. We are human and make mistakes, but I can guarantee you that to help your sweet baby end his pain was the most loving act you ever could have committed, even though it broke your heart. He was not going to recover, to prolong his agony would have been a selfish act, you were absolutely right on what you decided, it was born out of your love. I remember those first days and how lost and grief stricken I was, you are not alone in your suffering we will do all we can to comfort you, please let us share your grief. Surround yourself with people who understand, you have sustained a deep, soul destroying death in your family and need comfort and understanding at this time. Bless you for loving so deep to hurt so much, take care of yourself. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. RIP beautiful boy!

denardis said:

I am so thankful for everyone's kind words. I has been three days now and I feel so awful. I am a 67 year old man and have always been the pillar of strength in our family however this has brought me to my knees with Grief and sadness. The other day I went outside to my car and cried like a baby. I just had to let loose. I had told my wife many times that I would not give up on him so easily until I was convinced he would not get better. We had a year ago had his lungs drained for fluid and this time it filled up again and it was also in his belly. The vet told she did not know how much longer it would be until they filled up again. I think sometimes I was too hasty and I should have had his lungs and belly drained again - but at the time in the vet hospital my wife and I thought if was time. I feel like I killed my buddy because i was not thinking straight and it is truly an awful feeling. I did not feel nearly this bad when my mother, father and brother died - since I more understood i guess and their situations were truly of a grave nature. Every day I look for him running around the house. I look for him in his favorite chair, I call out to him sometimes just to hear what it sounds like to hear be say his name, I have some of his fur and try to smell it as it makes me feel he is near me. I constantly have a lump in my throat about this. My wife tells me to get over it - but it's hard. As I have gotten older, I appreciate life so much more. It is a precious thing not to be discarded so easily. I never envisioned it would be this difficult - I am a terrible mess over this.

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I understand the thinking '' I wasnt thinking straight hence why I put him down '' thing too denardis. I thought exactly the same. I still do. But perhaps we did it for the right reason and it was just meant to be. Perhaps it happened, because our babies wanted it to happen. You did the right thing denardis, your baby was suffering. It would be like continually drowning, being resuscitated, drowning again and the cycle continues. That would be awful.

You did the right thing denardis. You didnt want your baby to keep suffering. That would be hell on earth.

Peace.

Oh and your wife telling you to get over it obviously doesnt understand. But we do. We're here for you. See a pet grief counselor if need be. Or a counselor

I am very sorry for your loss. I hope you can find peace with your decision (it was for the best). You will always miss him. Try not to be sad that he is gone but rather, celebrate his life. The life you two had together and the cherished memories you shared.

I'm very sorry for your loss and can empathize. We, too, lost a cat to heart disease last year and had gone through several bouts of congestive heart failure before releasing him. From experience, at some point you realize the fight just isn't winnable and that the bad days are soon going to outnumber the good ones. You didn't abandon your boy - you spared him fear and suffering. Be kind to yourself and try to concentrate on all the good years you had together. That love endures.

I read the post " i lost my cat 4 days ago" and was very touched. You deifinitely loved your cat so very much. You cat was so lucky to have you
with him for so many years. It was hard to let go and I well understand. You had given you cat a promise not to let him go to be abandoned at his critical time of need. In your case, it was quite understandable with his cancer. You kissed your cat so many time and went back to see him again - you loved him so much. I could not with my cat at time of death. I did not want to be with him when they gave him the injection. I was a coward. I only wanted to remember him as alive happy in my lap. We had him in a room with us so my wife and I could hold and comfort him for bit. He loved to lay in my lap. As he did for the last time, I felt he was briefly in content as his tail waged as I spoke to him. His breathing
was shallowed, but he seemed to enjoy our last time together. My wife and I was terribly in tears. We took some pictures of our holding him for the last time. We kissed him several times. I am barely able to look at the pictures now four days since he as passed. I question myself repeatedly what it is that has me so broken up over him. I will try to explain: In my world of going to work and have a wife that for the most part complains about mostly everything, my cat was the only thing in my life that was constant and there emotionally for me every day. No matter what kind of a day I had or mode I was in, he was always happy to see me and be there with me. I made his day better and he made my day better. I often gave him treats even when I was not supposed to, since I felt that a cats life in a house is sort of like jail time, so why not make his life more enjoyable. He never saw any other cats nor did he ever go outside. His whole world for 14-1/2 years was inside our house. We were his world. My wife often commented about how much the cat adored me and always wanted to be sitting on me and next to me. This meant alot to me - odd how that kind of attention from CAT would have such an effect on man. I regret not trying to have his lungs drained again and the fluid i his belly. I could have kept him around for perhaps a little more time, but it seemed to be the right decision to put him to sleep. I don't know if he was in pain or not, but he did seem to be slowing down recently or maybe I was in denial that I did not want ot see anything. He breathing was shallow and he was in oxygen. I miss him more than anything I have ever missed before in my life. He was my pal and my buddy. Up until last week I would want to come home early from work just to see and pet him. He was always at the door waiting for me. I no longer want to come home early, because home reminds me of him. I used to make myself a chicken sandwich for lunch every morning before I went to work. He would always be waiting next to me for a small piece of chicken and I always gave it to him. After having to put him to sleep last week, I no longer want to make a chicken sandwich. I used to have beer most of time after work as he sat with me. I no longer want to have beer when I come home. It's just not the same without him. Last night I tried to smell the carpet where he laid most of the time, and for a brief instant I fel he was there with me.
I think however after four days that I am slightly better - but not much. We are picking up his ashes tomorrow and I want to get a nice urn and put his pictures on it. He will always be with me.

denardis said:

I read the post " i lost my cat 4 days ago" and was very touched. You deifinitely loved your cat so very much. You cat was so lucky to have you
with him for so many years. It was hard to let go and I well understand. You had given you cat a promise not to let him go to be abandoned at his critical time of need. In your case, it was quite understandable with his cancer. You kissed your cat so many time and went back to see him again - you loved him so much. I could not with my cat at time of death. I did not want to be with him when they gave him the injection. I was a coward. I only wanted to remember him as alive happy in my lap. We had him in a room with us so my wife and I could hold and comfort him for bit. He loved to lay in my lap. As he did for the last time, I felt he was briefly in content as his tail waged as I spoke to him. His breathing
was shallowed, but he seemed to enjoy our last time together. My wife and I was terribly in tears. We took some pictures of our holding him for the last time. We kissed him several times. I am barely able to look at the pictures now four days since he as passed. I question myself repeatedly what it is that has me so broken up over him. I will try to explain: In my world of going to work and have a wife that for the most part complains about mostly everything, my cat was the only thing in my life that was constant and there emotionally for me every day. No matter what kind of a day I had or mode I was in, he was always happy to see me and be there with me. I made his day better and he made my day better. I often gave him treats even when I was not supposed to, since I felt that a cats life in a house is sort of like jail time, so why not make his life more enjoyable. He never saw any other cats nor did he ever go outside. His whole world for 14-1/2 years was inside our house. We were his world. My wife often commented about how much the cat adored me and always wanted to be sitting on me and next to me. This meant alot to me - odd how that kind of attention from CAT would have such an effect on man. I regret not trying to have his lungs drained again and the fluid i his belly. I could have kept him around for perhaps a little more time, but it seemed to be the right decision to put him to sleep. I don't know if he was in pain or not, but he did seem to be slowing down recently or maybe I was in denial that I did not want ot see anything. He breathing was shallow and he was in oxygen. I miss him more than anything I have ever missed before in my life. He was my pal and my buddy. Up until last week I would want to come home early from work just to see and pet him. He was always at the door waiting for me. I no longer want to come home early, because home reminds me of him. I used to make myself a chicken sandwich for lunch every morning before I went to work. He would always be waiting next to me for a small piece of chicken and I always gave it to him. After having to put him to sleep last week, I no longer want to make a chicken sandwich. I used to have beer most of time after work as he sat with me. I no longer want to have beer when I come home. It's just not the same without him. Last night I tried to smell the carpet where he laid most of the time, and for a brief instant I fel he was there with me.
I think however after four days that I am slightly better - but not much. We are picking up his ashes tomorrow and I want to get a nice urn and put his pictures on it. He will always be with me.

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Thanks denardis. I wasn't with my cat though at his actual time of death, just before it. He was asleep as he was going to get operated on, but we didn't go through with the op as he would have been in too much pain removing so much cancer. We were advised to put him to sleep forever, while he was under the anesthetic. I regret it, like you. Why didn't I just have him stitched up and come home? we didn't have to go through with the operation, we didn't have to put him to sleep, we too could have brought him more time. I wish I did. I wouldn't have broken that promise, and I would have saw him conscious again.The last time I saw him conscious, I said what could be a final goodbye, and it wasn't a good, comforting, thankful one that I would have liked.  I left him scared. It haunts me. We went back to the vets after dropping him off for the op after the vet rang us up and advised us it would be the best option for our boy of 15.5 years euthanized.  That's when we said our goodbyes, but we also we'rent there for the final injection and his last moments. We weren't asked by the vet, but its understandable as he saw how emotional I was. I regret it. I would have stayed if he asked, part of me wanted to get out of there though because it was so painful. I'm glad I ent back in a second time after my family went out the room and did say a good goodbye and kissed him some more, but he wasn't conscious. I believe my cat had more time in him and wasn't ready to go yet. Like you I have much regret.

You are not a coward. I think like me, it was just too painful for you to be with your cat in those last moments. Because you loved your cat so much, I think one way of describing it for some is, it's like witnessing a car crash. Not everyone wants to be around to witness their loved one in a moment like that. I think people kind of understand what I mean here.Not to that extreme, but you get my drift.  Don't get me wrong, I wish I could have been there for my boy too in his final moments, but it's not always that simple. I'm not trying to make this thread about me, I'm mentioning these things because I can relate to you and we are so much alike in what we are going through and so many things you described in this post and thread. But you are by no means a coward. What's apparent to me and many is when we put our babies to sleep, a lot of guilt and what if's does arise. We question ourselves. We blame ourselves. It's because we love our animals so much. It seems to be a big thing for some when that moment comes. The aftermath. And we get hit by so much grief and feelings of loss on top of these things. It hurts enough to lose our loved ones, then we have so much more emotion, so much negative emotion come with it, it does seem unbearable. 

It's great though that he loved to lay in your lap, and did one final time briefly wagging his tail. That is a good memory. It's good that he went happy. You didn't want him drowning in his own fluid. If you witnessed his final injection, I think it would have been too hard for you and that moment to witness I think could have hurt your health even more than what it is now. Fantastic you held him and kissed him and took pictures of him. Theyre lke family. That's why youre in pain. 14.5 years is a long time to be in love. That's what it is. We love, and fall in love with our animals. You put your baby to sleep because he was suffering and you wanted to end that suffering. Not his life. I think we kind of feel we ended their lives, but they were sick and suffering. It wasn't like we just got our babies after 1 month and put them down for no reason. I think our mind, and the devil tricks us into thinking otherwise.

I understand the not looking at the pictures. Its only been 4 days too. It's a painful reminder, it's hurtful because you miss him dearly and love him so much. I'm like that with my cat.  My mum put some pictures on the fridge and one framed and I can't look at them some times because it's too painful. The bond we have with our cats, can be stronger than that of a human. Like you, my cat meant everything to me. I'm sorry about your wife complaining so much, some people are just like that, I get like that too. I'm a big baby Your wife loves you though. Sometimes if things bother us that much, we must voice our opinion, but in a good, positive, calm way. ONe in which we think about first and take some time doing so. Pets give us unconditional love. No matter what, they love us, they get excited to see us. I felt like you too, because my boy was inside bar one hour of the day for the most part of the last 5 years of his life, I'd give him extra biscuits as I felt like he was in jail. May as well give him some him some treats and him be happy. Your wife commenting on how much he loved you says it all. He did. He knew that. And so did you and he knew how much you loved him. The bond was immensely strong, and will be eternally.

He was sick though. His breathing, the slowing down, he was in pain. You did these things for the right reasons. Not the wrong.

''

Up until last week I would want to come home early from work just to see and pet him. He was always at the door waiting for me. I no longer want to come home early, because home reminds me of him. I used to make myself a chicken sandwich for lunch every morning before I went to work. He would always be waiting next to me for a small piece of chicken and I always gave it to him. After having to put him to sleep last week, I no longer want to make a chicken sandwich. I used to have beer most of time after work as he sat with me. I no longer want to have beer when I come home. It's just not the same without him. Last night I tried to smell the carpet where he laid most of the time, and for a brief instant I fel he was there with me.
I think however after four days that I am slightly better - but not much. We are picking up his ashes tomorrow and I want to get a nice urn and put his pictures on it. He will always be with me ''

I know exactly that feeling. When I came home if he wasnt there to greet me I'd always go check on him in his room, also when I came out of the shower or home from exerise. He'd come and see me when I got out of the shower. If I was out, I'd often come back home just to check on my cat. My boy would come and greet me too, especially in the morning. Its hard. I wake up and think, far out, my boy won't be outside my door waiting for me when I come out or come and greet me in the hallway wanting t get biscuits as I go to the toilet. He wont be waiting outside the toilet just before I finish up or when I do finish. He wont come in and say hello when I'm in there.My baby would jump the back fence, when I  called him, It was high up. He'd have to do it in two lots, the first he'd jump and then grip with his claws and hold on, then re-set and jump a second time from that point while grasping on and make a funny noise when he did it. He'd jump fences that high just to come and see me. He;d then rub himself on me when up on the ledge of the wall.  My boy, like yours, would always come and get some food when I ate. He'd always want some cold meats, or some tuna, cheese, whatever hahaha. I didnt want to exercise down stairs because when I did he would come and watch me from the door up top. We'd always loo at each other, I'd always look at him and get distracted because I just loved looking at him. Id run up and down the stairs for fitness and look at him all the time also. The last time I exercised at the back I think was just 5 days before his death, or maybe the week before. But the last time I did exercise at the back he was alives and I let him come outside after I had finished. I didnt want to exercise at the back knowing the last time I did it, he was alive and came out with me nor did I want to look up at that door or run up those stairs and not see him. It would have been too painful. But on Monday, afer speaking to a pet grief counselor, and on such a beautiful sunny day which my boy always loved, almost 4 weeks later, I did exercise. I came home last night and thought, this sucks. The last Saturday night I came home 4 days before he died, he was there to greet me, he'd come and greet me many times when I arrived home from various places. Like your boy did. I understand how hard certain things are to do because it's not the same without them and the memories are hard because it reminds us of them. Certain things arent the same, they made our life so much better. 

Things will get better. Your mood will swing like a yo-yo. Your emotions and thoughts will change many times in one day. After a while, when you can, whenever it may be, have that beer. Your boy would want you to be happy. Have that beer in honor of him, you, your companionship and life your life and be happy for your bond that you had. Honor the bond, him and you. You owe it to be happy not only for yourself but for all of those things. Live in god memory of him. 

Smelling the carpet I can also relate too. You did feel him, I believe that.  I do things like that too. It's hard I know, like you I regret not givng him more time . It's a real torturous mind game. Tormenting. It plagues us. We had our baby's best interest at heart though. Maybe it was just meant to be that way and maybe they didn't want to live any longer anyway s they were suffering. Lets just say we made a mistake, you and I both know they'd forgive us. And we would have been delaying the inevitable anyway. Of course if we knew they had more time we would have given i to them and we'd give our left arm to get them back. Not only for them, but for us. But you and I both know if they did have a day, a week or two left in them and we took that away THEY WOULD 100 PERCENT FORGIVE US. I honestly don't believe you did do the right thing. You didn't want your boy to keep suffering. As mentioned he had so much fluid it would be like constantly drowning and being revived and the cycle just repeating over and over. You didn't nor would you want that to happen for him.

The urn and the pictures will be a good thing. Give it time. The extreme grief and pain will lessen. Worst case scenario, the regret will be easier to live with. In time, You will see you did the right thing though. And there will be no regret.  I know you wanted to give him more time, but more time meant more suffering. You, and he, didn't want that. You loved him dearly, gave him a good life and did everything you could and your boy knows that.

I'm so sorry for your loss.  You didn't abandon Birman.  You and your wife made decision for him out of love and kindness.