I don't think my new cat is a good fit for me or my resident cat. It's been 5 weeks. Wondering how m

My new cat is a 2-3 year old female. My resident cat is a 5 year old male. I had a cat that died a couple of months ago, so I adopted the female 5 weeks ago. I have three concerns. 1. She still hides at least half the day. 2. She comes around me to be pet a few times a day for brief periods, but she immediately jumps out of my arms when I pick her up. I was hoping for an affectionate cat. 3. Even though she had a companion cat in her previous home that her past owner said she was bonded with, she hasn't started bonding with my male. She is fairly aloof with him. I was looking for a cat that would cuddle with and groom my male, like my cat who passed away. My male has attempted grooming her, but she just swats at him. She's also aggressively chased him and briefly fought with him. He is a submissive cat, so he runs away. He often sits in the hall against the wall, now, with his tail and arms tucked under his body and his ears out toward the side.

When I adopted her from the shelter, she was hiding, scared of the other cats even though her companion had been there, too. I wanted to give her a chance in my home. I had her set up in one room of my home for a couple of weeks, then in another room for another week before she decided that she was comfortable enough to come out for short periods. My male cat has been very calm adjusting to her presence--no hissing, growling, etc. I've been trying to use the laser toy with both of them, but she dominates. I feed them treats close to each other, within a foot, but after the treats are gone, they go their separate ways. I've tried catnip--same result as treats. I switch out their cushions/blankets, but then she doesn't want to lie in those places anymore, with his scent on them. I pet them back and forth to get their scent on each other.

I'm not sure what else I can do to help her become more affectionate toward my cat and me. How much longer should I wait before deciding that this isn't working?

Oh, I forgot. I have a Feliway diffuser plugged in, in the living room, and I have the spray that I use, too. 

I understand that you wanted a cuddle kitty just like your previous cat and the new cat does not seem to be cuddly or a lap kitty.  Yet, how sad that you cannot find other characteristics in her that are loveable and worthy of a home.  Cats can take a very long time to adjust to new surroundings.  I brought a feral/stray cat into my home last year.  My resident cat was not happy.  I so wanted them to be buddies and run and play and groom each other.  Instead they fought and my household was a mess.  I decided that no matter what this poor stray cat needed a home and love.  I worked with him each and every day to help bring him out of his shell.  It took one year.  He and my resident cat are not buddies, but they coexist in my home.  The stray/feral is loving and will sit on my lap.  He is still skittish and most likely always will be.  But I love him to pieces.

The feliway is great.  Yet be sure that you have enough of them for the size of your space.  One feliway is often not enough.  You can also try the spray. 

I use Composure liquid max to help shy, scared, skittish cats.  You can mix it into wet food 2x a day.  It helps the cat feel more secure and calm without drugging the cat.  You can find it on Amazon.

Do you play with the cat?  Do you have a da Bird toy, catnip toys?  Does she have a cat tree or place to perch and look outside? 

Five weeks is certainly not very long for a poor shelter cat to adjust to a new home.  I would suggest altering your expectations of her and see if you can find something loveable about her.  Yet, if you are dead set on a cuddly lap cat who will be just like your other cat and you will resent her then she might be better off in another home. 

Please consider the stress of the cat and what it will do to her if you take her back. 

You may want to start a re-introduction from scratch and give her the comfort of being in a small room without the stress of your entire home and the resident cat.  If you start from the beginning andf it still doesn't work out then it may be time to consider alternatives.

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There are several steps to a successful introduction, the goal being BFFs, not enemies or angry at you (especially the resident cat).  A careful introduction raises the stress level in incremental steps, allowing both cats, especially the resident cat time to acclimate to the stressor before being introduced to the next level.  You are going to move the "bar" closer and closer to the resident cat until the final step, a supervised face-to-face, becomes  a fender bender and not a car crash.

Step one: Complete separation, putting the new cat is a small room like a bathroom with food, litter and water.  Do not let the cats see each other - too much stress too soon.  Give the new cat time to adjust.  Give both cats time (a week+/-) to get used to this.  They will know each other is there.  Start feeding the resident cat nearer to the door, adjusting daily until he is at the door eating. Do voluntary scent exchange by rubbing the new cat's cheeks on a sock and then offering the sock as a gift to the resident. Don't force him to smell the sock, don't rub it on him. Observe his behavior and allow it.   Rub a clean sock on his cheeks and offer it to the new cat.  Continue to do this but never force either cat to interact with the other cat's sock.

When they are reasonably calm with everything in step one go to:

Step Two:  Allow the cats to see each other.  Two baby gates stacked on top of each other in the open door is a great way.  Cracking the door open and blocking it into position so they can't get through the door is another way.  With many cats the stress of this will make them revert, but it would have been much worse if you had started with this step.  Continue as if this was step one, but now with them seeing each other.  When they are both calm, no hissing or growling, you can go to:

Step Three: After eating meals and feeling satisfied (full stomach = less aggressive) and trimmed nails, you can start to do brief supervised introductions face to face.  Watch their body language and reactions and increase their time together until you are confident that they can manage on their own.

In General, treat the resident cat like he is King.  Don't do things to make him jealous. Don't discipline either cat for showing aggression, punishing them for what they feel is a normal behavior (and is normal for them) just raises the stress.  And follow your cats' lead on the speed of the introduction, there are no rules other than to listen to them.

http://www.thecatsite.com/a/introducing-cats-to-cats

http://www.aspca.org/pet-care/virtual-pet-behaviorist/cat-behavior/introducing-your-cat-new-cat

http://www.catbehaviorassociates.com/a-simple-little-trick-to-use-during-new-cat-introductions/

Kittyniche, I'm going through this as well. I also have a resident male and a "new" female. Both are about the same age.  She is a rescue from the neighborhood and the two used to see each other through the door at feeding time. She gave birth over 10 weeks ago and has been living with the kittens in storage room. Prior to this I had her in the laundry room inside the house but he jumped her a time or two and fur flew briefly until I clapped my hands, but mostly I think he was just curious about her and she was pregnant and touchy.  Now that she has been spayed (he's neutered), I have been trying to reintroduce them. I take him to the screen on the storage room door to sniff her and the kittens through the door and I have been bringing her in for a couple of hours each day and keeping a door between the two but opening it occasionally for them to see each other. The last two days I have let them in the same room with my supervision for brief periods of time and fed them treats or a little canned food. She still hisses and growls but I think he wants to "investigate" her.  I am hopeful. 

I would think your new cat is nervous in her new surroundings and having a "strange" cat in the house in the viewpoint of both cats creates some drama for them. It will get better the more comfortable both cats get to the arrangement. I try to tell myself that at least!

I look forward to hearing how things are going for you.

ShadowsRescue,

I am here asking for help because I would like to keep my female if at all possible. I do have to consider long-term my male's well-being and my own. My male is very emotionally sensitive. I see him being submissive to her, making room for her in the large cat bed, trying to groom her. When she doesn't respond to his attempts, or when she responds with aggression, he goes and sulks. He looks listless. He thrived with physical contact from my previous cat. He's a happy-go-lucky kind of cat who easily feels hurt. He curls up into a tight ball when he gets that way. He needs a cat that he can cuddle with and groom. I have health issues which make it more of a priority that I be able to have an affectionate cat for me. I won't go into detail. These are my priorities. Like you, not everyone has these needs in a cat, and that's great. I'm glad there are home environments like yours.

I want very much for my female to stay, like I said. I understand that it would be very stressful for her to be brought back to the shelter. That is why I'm asking for help. I do find wonderful qualities in her. She's beautiful, playful, graceful and silly the way she rolls around.

Like I said, I have both the diffuser and spray. The diffuser is in the main area where I spend time with my cats. I use the spray as well in that room and other rooms. I'll check out Composure, thank you. Like I said, I play with the cats with the laser toy. I also use a fishing rod toy, and I show them to play with their other toys--catnip toys, ping pong ball, ball track--by playing with them myself in front of them. They also have a tunnel and a couple of other different types of toys. They have cat trees as well as a number of higher places in which to perch, where I have put cushions down for them. They both look out the windows and sliding glass doors, and I take my male outside in the yard on a leash.

I don't know how much time I should give to see if she will adjust in our home. She is becoming more and more aggressive with my cat. She chased him out of the kitchen when I was preparing breakfast this morning. I'll check into Composure.

StephenQ,

I'm thinking of doing a re-introduction. I started late last night. My female had chased my male then started a fight. I put water and litterbox in the spare room and bribed her in with food. Then I shut her in. Within a couple of minutes, my male started scratching on the outside of the door and meowing in a questioning way (upward voice inflection). After several minutes of that, I opened the door and let her out. They kept their distance after that.

Should I keep her in the room, anyway, and start from square one? Maybe just put up the baby gates?

Chaucer, 

Thank you for the encouragement. It sounds like you are doing a great job with trying to help your cats get along. Maybe it's more difficult because of the kittens, and she feels protective? My male is ready and wants to interact with my female. It's her that is dominating. How long do I give to see if she is meant to be in an only-cat home or not? She did live with a companion cat previously, who apparently she was affectionate and playful with, but I don't know if she also fought with and dominated that cat, as well.

ShadowsRescue, 

I just looked at Composure at amazon.com. I don't like the ingredients. Non-fat milk solids aren't good for kitties digestion or blood sugar. Maltodextrin is a modified carbohydrate, and sucrose is included. Glycerin is a sugar alcohol. In addition to those blood-sugar elevating ingredients, cornstarch also raises blood sugar. Increased blood sugars increase the risk for a whole host of medical problems. I think I'll ask my vet about Prozac for kitties. Before my last cat died, he needed some while he was sick, and my vet said sometimes he gives it to cats long-term in order to decrease aggression.

I have a super shy cat. It is my first cat and I also expected to be a affectionate cuddly cat as you were saying.

In the beginning, the rescue people gave me few weeks to try out and I figured that she was way to shy (even worse than your situation), and so different than what I was expected that I was also gonna give up my trial period, and go for another cat. However, I was very attached to her after few weeks, and I didn't want her to go through the same process with other people, so I decided to let it go and adopted her.

It took me 3 month to let me pet her (only her ear at that time...probably after 6-7 months, I was able to pet her chin).

It's been 10 months, and I still cannot pick up her yet, but slowly making progress.

However, I can also feel that she is very attached to me. She never lets other people to pet her besides me. She patiently waits me every morning until I wake up and greets me. So many cute little thing that I can't remember at this moment. I noticed that she slowly comes and sits next to me on the bed or couch (trusting me more).

I figured that shy cat is really hard to go through, but once they go through, they are very affectionate!

I will say, a lot of people from this forum told me to be patient about that. I know I am pretty impatient that I thought it would be hard for me, but seriously, it slowly works out for me!
I would say, there is no definite answer for how long it will take your cat to be affectionate, but you will slowly feel it!
My cat from 10 months ago, oh man, I don't remember anything, because she totally acts different than that time!

Whc216,

Thank you for your response and encouragement to give my female more time. You're right, your cat has more shyness. It sounds like your patience has awarded you with a wonderful friend. My female chooses when she wants to come up to me, a few times per day. She'll let me pet her a few times, then she's had enough and walks away. Today for the first time, she let me walk up to her and pet her. So there's a little progress. Earlier today, she chased my male out of the kitchen and blocked access while I was preparing their meal. I snapped my fingers at her and she moved. She wasn't aggressive toward him for the rest of the day, but they have been aloof around each other, passing by, not sniffing noses.

I understand your hoping for a more affectionate cat.  However, she is older and it should have been described to you, her personality, I mean.  I just reread it and it sound like the red flag here is that you picked the kitty that was cowering and hiding and not up against the cage, meowing, and reaching out with friendly paws.  So right there it should have been obvious that she might be a bit of a stretch for affectionate.  People often say females are finiky.  I do not believe this is true.  Also, letting you pet her at all is probably a big feat for her.  I think she may have been semi feral.  See if she'll let you pet her while she sits near you or on your lap.  This IS considered to be affectionate by some.  Some cats, in fact a lot, do not like to be held close.  But are fine with sitting on your lap or right beside you and being affectionate.  So that could be the best you can hope for.

As for the feliway, I've never had much luck with it. I would say, if she hasn't responded to it by now, she probably won't. The Prozac can help but like with any medicine, it can take a month or longer for it to be absorbed into her system.  And that's not including any adjustments.  It is not a quick fix.  It can help wonders but it takes a chunk of time.  Being older, it can take her considerably longer to get used to her new home so try not to be too discouraged, 5 weeks really is not that long.  I would say, in another month or so, if she is still hiding, then it may be a problem.  Try to encourage her to stay out more.  Bring her treats or wet food.  Something yummy or enticing.  Maybe toys?  Is she playful?

This could be a good bonding tool for her and your sensitive boy, too.  I know all about sensitive gentlemen.  I have one- my King Arthur.  Have treat time together with lots of praise for good interactions.  Maybe encourage your boy to sit near you or on the other side of you while you pet her.  Play with them together, if they are playful.  Because she was bonded with the previous cat in her former home, it could very well take her even that much longer to bond with him or she may never entirely.  The fact that he is a submissive is a problem because he is putting a target on his back.  So you have two problems now.  You need to rebuild his confidence as well as help her settle and bond.  It won't be easy.  Kudos to you for taking the cat that probably never would have seen the outside of the shelter again but it means you have your work cut out for you.  Patience is going to be key.  I would separate your boy and her if at all possible while you are not there to monitor activity.

I know your expectations were high and so far you are disappointed for you and your boy.  But just remember your expectations were probably going to be unrealistic in any situation.  Do your best to make her feel comfortable and bond with both of you more.  Hopefully it will get better soon and you won't have to consider rehoming her.

il

kittyniche said:

 
Chaucer, 

Thank you for the encouragement. It sounds like you are doing a great job with trying to help your cats get along. Maybe it's more difficult because of the kittens, and she feels protective? My male is ready and wants to interact with my female. It's her that is dominating. How long do I give to see if she is meant to be in an only-cat home or not? She did live with a companion cat previously, who apparently she was affectionate and playful with, but I don't know if she also fought with and dominated that cat, as well.

Click to expand...

You're welcome and thank you, too.

You are having a similar issue to mine. My resident male cat wants to get to know the female but she is dominating him with the hissing, growling and swatting if he gets to close. Like you, I want to keep my female cat. She's so sweet to me but I'm not sure she would adjust to another person as much if she felt abandoned twice and the second time from a person with whom she had developed a strong bond of trust. I think we both have to take things very slowly with these kitty interactions.

It seems like the new cat is not a good choice for your resident cat who wants a social friend.  It's normal for the resident cat to have issues with a new cat, but a new cat having issues with the resident cat is not a good thing and not a great predictor of future friendship.

StephenQ said:

 
It seems like the new cat is not a good choice for your resident cat who wants a social friend.  It's normal for the resident cat to have issues with a new cat, but a new cat having issues with the resident cat is not a good thing and not a great predictor of future friendship.

Click to expand...

I know this thread is for kittyniche's issues but I have a feeling you are talking to both of us here. Oh gosh, I hate to hear this. I don't want to get rid of my new female cat because I'm  not sure she will adjust to anyone new and the shelter here is a low-kill one that euthanizes cats that are ill or are deemed "not friendly."

Chaucer said:

 

StephenQ said:

 
It seems like the new cat is not a good choice for your resident cat who wants a social friend.  It's normal for the resident cat to have issues with a new cat, but a new cat having issues with the resident cat is not a good thing and not a great predictor of future friendship.

Click to expand...

I know this thread is for kittyniche's issues but I have a feeling you are talking to both of us here. Oh gosh, I hate to hear this. I don't want to get rid of my new female cat because I'm  not sure she will adjust to anyone new and the shelter here is a low-kill one that euthanizes cats that are ill or are deemed "not friendly."

Click to expand...

Yet, it can work.  When I brought a stray/feral into my house last year, it was the new cat that caused the problems.  My resident cat was ok but the new cat wanted to fight and take control of the entire house.  It was a complete challenge, but one I was willing to take on.  I too did not have an option as the stray/feral would have been euthanized if I had taken him to a shelter.  It has now been over one year and while my two are not buddies, they will sleep near each other and they have learned to coexist. 

Chaucer said:

 
I know this thread is for kittyniche's issues but I have a feeling you are talking to both of us here. Oh gosh, I hate to hear this. I don't want to get rid of my new female cat because I'm  not sure she will adjust to anyone new and the shelter here is a low-kill one that euthanizes cats that are ill or are deemed "not friendly."

Click to expand...

I was only replying to the OP, it is confusing when there becomes a thread within a thread, i would suggest you start your own in order to get tailored replies :-)

ShadowsRescue said:

 
Yet, it can work.  When I brought a stray/feral into my house last year, it was the new cat that caused the problems.  My resident cat was ok but the new cat wanted to fight and take control of the entire house.  It was a complete challenge, but one I was willing to take on.  I too did not have an option as the stray/feral would have been euthanized if I had taken him to a shelter.  It has now been over one year and while my two are not buddies, they will sleep near each other and they have learned to coexist. 

Click to expand...

Thank you!

I really like Henryetta. She's such a sweet cat.  Chaucer has always been a bundle of energy and fun. He is also a very friendly cat and will walk up to any visitor and expect to be petted and loved on. Of course I have had him since he was 4 months old and he has never known anything but love and kindness. Considering I think Henryetta was abandoned, she probably hasn't  had it so easy in the friend department, although the father of her kittens she knew from the place she lived and with whom she was friendly - not just referring to the mating. He used to come by and touch noses with her and they would wander off together even when she was not in heat.

Thanks, Stephan. Kittyniche and I were talking about the similarities so I apologize that it got confusing!