This beautiful little cat was in my feral colony, the tiniest male in the bunch. He would sit in steps above me or on the neighbors porch and wait for me to slide him some dinner. Over this last winter he started coughing and sneezing but he was already TNRed and I was not able to pet him so I didn't know how I could help. I tried giving him vitamins. I thought maybe allergies. He started to go on adventures and I would see him in strange areas. He moved away from the places I always saw him but would make guest appearances during feedings. I missed him but thought he had gained confidence and was having fun. He started getting really matted and skinnier. I started seeing him perching peacefully watching other cats as they ate. I asked him if he needed my help and he walked away. Two nights later he waited for me in our first meeting place and walked towards me crying. I had a friend help me get him into a carrier. He got away from her and tried to run but collapsed under a car. We scooped him up and brought him to the shelter until he could be seen by a vet in the morning. I sat with him in the shelter and told him I loved him and prayed I could help him recover and he could come stay with me. I hoped I could shave his mattes and heal him from fleas and parasites and strengthen him to beat his cold. However when I said "goodnight" to him and left the shelter a huge black butterfly was in my path and I knew it was the end for him. I tried to shake off that fear and tell myself he would heal. The ACO took him to the vet. She called me to say he had tumors in his nose and a hole in his palette and had been suffering for a very long time and that the best thing to do was end his suffering. So they did and mine began. I can't believe I was so careless with him. I should have gotten him to a vet sooner. I should have known he wasn't on adventures but isolating himself. I hope he knows I loved him even from a distance and I hope I can stop reliving the moment he cried at me. My heart is broken that he suffered so long.
RIP Phantom. You had a short hard life but you were loved and will be forever. Say hello to Calvin, Willow, Rosie, Pepe and Smudge.
There are always would have, should have could haves when it comes to letting go of a beloved animal. I am so sorry for your loss. 
