I lost my cat 4 days ago

robinathome

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The rocky road....I woke up today...kind of ready to pull the trigger.  I placed Franny on my bed.  She was wet, she peed herself last night.  But her eyes are bright and she purrs a little when I pet her.  She has been in her dying spot for a few days now and she is not eating or drinking for 30hours.  I was going to call a my friend said, let her be.  I called the Vet to give him a heads up and he told me to give her 2ml of Prednisolone again....why???  I wish that she would just fall asleep and pass.  But as we all have said on this thread...it never works like that.  I am not sure what is worse...what happened to you or what's happening here.  The lingering, trying to figure out what day will be the right day.  This is dreadful.  I do not like that you feel the vets techs were rough on you little boy( I do not see his name here sorry).  You may want to express yourself to locals about your feeling for this vets attitude.  But I must say that if my little Franny was sleeping and my vet said it might be a good time....I would have probably done it.   The waiting game is torture for the past 2 days.  And tonight will be brutal.  But I know she is not in pain, just dying.  
 

zoneout

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@robinathome  I think you said it perfectly....  there never quite is a `right time` - is there.   I think anything we decide is never an easy thing to do.  
 
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robinathome

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Thank you, I can not tell you how much I am struggling.  But I am leaning more to having my Vet come over tomorrow.  Franny at this point is just exsisting and just waiting to die.  As I read so many people tonight have expressed getting into a situation where the pet is in discomfort and its the middle of the night and no vet is available.  Tonight we sleep on it.  Thanks
 
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catconcern

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Good luck robin. I know it's hard, I think you've done extremely well though. It's a tough decision but I think u love your baby so much and you're very smart for seeing how it's panning out. If your baby doesn't seem to be in that much pain then IMO you have done the right thing. Appreciate you posting in this thread you've been a great help. You and zone out can send me the bill for therapy whenever you're ready:)

I do know how u feel because I had may days where my boy was in the same spot not doing anything. I still put that down to the cortisone though. But yeah, he had his bad days. I feel for you robin but you're a great owner like so many on this site because you're trying tondo the right thing and I think u have. You've given your baby every chance at pulling through. You know your baby well and you know your situation so whatever happens from here we all trust in your decision. If it's time, I think you and your baby know.

Peace and love to you both robin. May god be with you all
 

robinathome

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Thank you again for your kind words cat concern....I will keep you posted.  And because of this website I have been able to deal with things a lot better.  Very sad to say I did the same thing with my older sister.  In 2004 I found a website for family members of people with cancer and I made a very special friend, her husband had the same cancer.  We talked a lot late at night after the care taking was done for the day.  I am so glad she came to NYC and I was able to go in a spend the day with her a few years ago(her husband and my sis passed a few years before).   There is something to be said about these forums that it really helps people cope!  Going to snuggle with Franny....goodnight. 
 
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catconcern

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Thank you again for your kind words cat concern....I will keep you posted.  And because of this website I have been able to deal with things a lot better.  Very sad to say I did the same thing with my older sister.  In 2004 I found a website for family members of people with cancer and I made a very special friend, her husband had the same cancer.  We talked a lot late at night after the care taking was done for the day.  I am so glad she came to NYC and I was able to go in a spend the day with her a few years ago(her husband and my sis passed a few years before).   There is something to be said about these forums that it really helps people cope!  Going to snuggle with Franny....goodnight. 
Far out you've had some tough times. You're one tough cookie to endure things like all of this. Condolences for your sister. These forums are great, I'm glad you snugged with Franny a lot. Peace be with you Robin.
 
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catconcern

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came home from exercise tonight and my boys room is empty. He should be there. I still feel I betrayed the most loyal, loving, kind baby boy and my guardian angel, soul mate, best friend, son and brother etc. Really hits home that once you;re gone youre gone im still kicking myself I think what an idiot have him stitched up come home he wasn't ready to depart imo i know him and he knows me im a dumb moron for listening to the vets advice I knew on the way there theyd recommend putting him to sleep. If youre going to die, you are going to die. May as well stay on this earth as long as you can obviously if I felt he was on his death bed and suffering bad I would have put him to sleep. The vet said '' from what i can see on your cat he doesnt like other animals and giving him medication would be hard '' what a load of crap. And anyway that would only be needed if he had the operation, he didnt have to have it as I said i should have had the vet stitch him up put the thing around his neck so he cant knaw at his stitches and he could have been home I wouldnt have broken my promise to him about putting him down if he looked very bad when he was home of course I then would have had his suffering relieved. I'll never see my boy again how do I know there is even an afterlife tbh part of me wants to die.

I take valium and that just masks the problem. Once that wears off, and night time is bad, I start thinking of my boy and the misery starts and my head goes manic with racing thoughts and I feel as though ive killed my family member, after all we been through, he deserved what I said I wouldnt give up on him and i wouldnt put him down. I'm such an idiot I cant even stick to what I believe are the right decisions in my mind, in the past ive gone against another strong feeling and thought I had and it ruined me even to this day. Guess who tried to warn me? My beautiful cat. I'm not going to reveal the exact details because some ppl know my story and it could reveal who I am, but my boy tried to save me from a life changing decision. Most of you are aware how cats have a sixth sense and can sense danger etc some believe as do I they can see the deceased { maybe there is an afterlife then } I know I sound deranged I wish I could tell you how my boy tried to save me. 

Anyway, life without my pride and joy isnt the same. My exercise is a good stress reliever and I go even harder because I want to honor him and do good for him but it keeps me feeling good for a while and then I start feeling like crap again. Atm it's looking like im being reduced to a valium addict and ill have to come off that too which is another hurdle but big deal, that is nothing compared to losing my best friend.

Had to have this rant feeling sad. Some things in my life are so amazing, it sucks living like I feel absolutely amazing and happy but at the same time absolutely sad and miserable. Two sides to me, what a schizo nut case I sound like


Bless you all. I hope there is a god. I hope there is and he looks after each and every one of us, our family's, friends, and pets who are our family and friends themselves. 

Peace to you all. Peace to us.
 

zoneout

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Hi catconcern, I know exactly how you are feeling.    I am exactly the same way except my drug of choice is Klonipin
 I couldnt get to sleep without it.   I think about my cat every time I step into my apartment.   Every time!   It`s been really hard getting over it.    I don`t think I can, unless I move out of this place I am in.   I feel her spirit so strongly in here.

I had one of those moments today when I wanted to go over to someone and say something, but just blew it off - I figured, why bother.   Now I regret it.    Maybe one day I will learn to force myself to do things I know I should do instead of putting it off.    That`s one of my big issues is procrastination.   

I wish there were some way to find consolation and heal the wound that`s there.   I do in some small way when trying to help others.   It just seems to be happening so slowly - like baby steps.   

Peace
 
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catconcern

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Hehe talking about sleep I've awoken at 6 am after going to sleep around 12-12.30. I've tried the last two nights to go without the Valium and I not getting a proper rest. I don't want to depend on it, it's there tho so if I need it I'll take it.

I'm sad that you struggle as well. I know the sadness you would feel when u walk in your apartment, I think it's good thought that you can still feel her spirit though. It means you will see her again one day! Only u know though if moving out is what u need to move on then maybe u should. Give it time though? Maybe having a strong presence of her is a good thing. But yes, the old double edged sword of the sadness is also there.

Baby steps is the key word. Small steps. I know what I mean about sometimes not bothering saying something I've did the same lately with certain ppl it's like what's the point some ppl are honestly not worth even wasting our time with they don't understand not could help. But some are. And one can't always procrastinate in life and some things should be said. I'm not sure what if u r referring about your cat or life in general pm me if need be re the regretting not saying something. You're a smart cookie though, id trust your judgement. But again, sometimes speak up, just do it in a calm and cool manner.

I'd love for you to find peace and happiness too. You honestly sound like such a great person, important you remember that.

Talk soon, I'm going to try to get back to sleep, hopefully without the Valium. Thanks for checking in.
 
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catconcern

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And take your time with your decision about moving out. Take a lot of time! U may regret that and may miss her presence. U could regret moving out of that place who knows! Make a decision when your head is more clear.

Catch ya!
 

quiet

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Hi

I am sorry your cat died and you went through and are going through such grief.

I hope you do understand that if you did have the vet stitch your cat up and put a cone on him and send him home it would have been absolute torture for your cat just so you could keep your promise to him that he. I am sure would not have wanted you to keep.

Death is horrible. It is finale and it seems that everything that they ever meant and felt is suddenly gone forever and you feel abandoned and alone and it hurts like nothing else for a long time. Death is really allot of the time out of our control. Even if we think we are making these big decisions, we really are not. When they die they die and there is nothing we can do about it. We don't get to wear a cape and swoop in and save the day. We don't get another chance most of the time and it really sucks.
 

So it isn't fair and it sucks and is totally out of our control no matter how much we think it is. Grief is such a sad and painful emotion to feel ad I think that we try to find instead of this pain a reason to be angry. So we look to blame someone even if that someone is ourselves. It is just to hard to wrap ones head around the fact that even when you try your hardest and do everything  you are supposed to they still die and it really is nobody's fault and there is no reason for it. People, animals. innocent little cats that never hurt anyone get horrible diseases and have terrible accidents for nothing. And it is almost impossible to accept without trying to create a person to blame or even a thing. Just something we can be mad about. You have shifted this false blame onto yourself and are making your life hard right now when you should be kind to yourself because you are grieving.

Not going to proofread. Hope this made sense. I hope you cat sit with your grief a while and be kind to yourself . Peace
 

zoneout

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Thanks for the encouragement.   It helps me alot.    It makes a world of difference talking to someone who has gone down the same road.   Otherwise people just dont understand.  

LOL...what you said certain ppl not worth wasting your time.    My friend`s mother told us last week she went to the eye doctor to get new glasses and the receptionist handed her the 2 lenses without any frame.   The receptionist said the insurance only covered the lenses.   My friend`s mother then told her that she was supposed to call the insurance company they would have approved it.   They started arguing and my friend`s mom told her she was too stupid to talk to and went to get the manager.

Then one time I was sending money western union, and the clerk asked to see ID.   I said I am sending money - not getting it - why would ID matter.   So I hand her my drivers license and she tells me she cant take it since my name is spelled one letter different than what I put on the form.   It was a PHOTO ID for God`s sake!!!

Unbelievable.   The worst is when they are rude.   It`s just a total waste of time - dumb and rude is an awful combination but there is alot of that going around.

Ah well... just about time to make the coffee and sit outside and watch the birds, squirrels, and chipmunks.    I throw them some bread but they are not too friendly around here.   Where I used to live they would practically come right up to you.

Have a great day my friend.    
 

robinathome

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Catconcern, I am so glad Quiet posted.  Who ever Quiet is you have a great sense of life.  Reading your post made me think hard.  I too am blaming my 1st vet and myself for not seeing things earlier.  I keep thinking if I had noticed the weight loss sooner my Franny would still be here, she would have had treatment sooner.  I DO BLAME MYSELF!  But I know in reality nothing, nothing could have changed the out come.  Zoneout, how lovely to have your babies presence around you.  If you move you will regret it. Feel lucky you have a warm feeling to keep you company.  You two must have been closer than most.    For now every one of us has to be kind to ourselves, as expressed by Quiet.  what remains is a memory of a beautiful experience that you and your pets were lucky to share.  Things come and go but what is remembered lives forever(posted by a friend on my Facebook page).  This is so true.  
 
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catconcern

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ill reply to each post a little later. I know death is inevitable, and he would have gone at some stage. Whether it would be a week, a month, 3 no one knows. The thing is I believed he had more time and wasn't ready to go. Of course I couldn't save him long term, but I could have given him more time, he wasn't on his death bed. I should have saw him while he we conscious a second time and calm him down.

Remember, I took him to the vet to try to fix him, I said id give him every chance of getting better and I wouldn't put him down. I did the opposite that day. I didn't do everything to fix him, 2 options, stitch him up and come home or have the op, I did neither and I did what I said I wouldn't do. Put him down. Prematurely ending his life.


If he could jump up after grooming himself and lay in the window sill, how much pain was he in? Yes he was suffering before the split, but he wasn't on his death bed.
 
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catconcern

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Man these iPhones suck changing words!
 
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catconcern

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Also he trusted me more than anyone else in the world, I betrayed his trust. He thought he was going there to get better and he'd see me again, not to never wake up.

When I said if his is the last time I see u boy I love u, as I mentioned many times after I said that he let out his scared growl. He knew exactly what I was saying, he was scared. I didn't comfort him enough after that. The way I said my goodbye was pathetic too remember.

We parted on bad terms and I betrayed him and lied to him. I didn't give him every chance of getting better he should have came home, he could have. I denied him that. He should have given at LEAST ONE more chance. I didn't even give him that. I could have did more. He was t ready to go yet.
 

robinathome

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Catconcern, as many have expressed here death is not perfect.  I too have a major regret.  I took my 60 yr old sister to the hospital, she was dying after a long illness but I did not recognize it on the day I took her to the hospital.  When I look back at pictures of her I realize I did not really see how sick she was, even though I had been taking care of her for 3 yrs.  I took her to the hospital expecting to bring her home again.   After an 8 hour stay in the emergency room they admitted her to a room with another woman in it.   It was such a stress filled day.  At 9pm when she seemed quiet I went home to call my family with info on her condition.   When I returned the next day I found out from her room mate that all night long she kept trying to get out of her bed.  They had to tie her hands to the handrails all night.   I was horrified.   I LEFT HER   alone.   That one night she needed me more than any other night of her life.  That morning her doctor told me she had 24 hours to live, they had induced a coma to make her comfortable.  My family flew in and it took my sister 9 days to pass all the time in a coma.  She fought every step of the way.  For the rest of my life I will regret the one night I should have been there.  I have forgiven myself but I will never forget the mistake I made.  You need to forgive yourself.  And as much as I hate to say this....there is another little soul that needs you. When the time is right if you can adopt again...fill your home with love again.  After my first cat died I never thought I would love another...and then there was Franny.  Stress is terrible for your health....Please forgive yourself and stop 2nd guessing what could have been.  I did and I know you can too.  Peace and big hugs. 
 
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catconcern

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Catconcern, as many have expressed here death is not perfect.  I too have a major regret.  I took my 60 yr old sister to the hospital, she was dying after a long illness but I did not recognize it on the day I took her to the hospital.  When I look back at pictures of her I realize I did not really see how sick she was, even though I had been taking care of her for 3 yrs.  I took her to the hospital expecting to bring her home again.   After an 8 hour stay in the emergency room they admitted her to a room with another woman in it.   It was such a stress filled day.  At 9pm when she seemed quiet I went home to call my family with info on her condition.   When I returned the next day I found out from her room mate that all night long she kept trying to get out of her bed.  They had to tie her hands to the handrails all night.   I was horrified.   I LEFT HER   alone.   That one night she needed me more than any other night of her life.  That morning her doctor told me she had 24 hours to live, they had induced a coma to make her comfortable.  My family flew in and it took my sister 9 days to pass all the time in a coma.  She fought every step of the way.  For the rest of my life I will regret the one night I should have been there.  I have forgiven myself but I will never forget the mistake I made.  You need to forgive yourself.  And as much as I hate to say this....there is another little soul that needs you. When the time is right if you can adopt again...fill your home with love again.  After my first cat died I never thought I would love another...and then there was Franny.  Stress is terrible for your health....Please forgive yourself and stop 2nd guessing what could have been.  I did and I know you can too.  Peace and big hugs. 
That's a sad story I'm very sorry you went through such a painful ordeal. That would have been hell for you so you do understand my situation. You cared for her for 3 years shows what a nice, great, loving person you are. You didn't end her life obviously though, I feel as though I ended my boys life. Prematurely. I know I'm sounding like a broken record and im so grateful for you to keep posting in here, it does help me. Someone that understands pain and heartache are helpful to me because at least they can talk from experience, unlike some ppl who just talk rubbish without any experience.

But yeah robin, I feel I ended my boys life prematurely and he had more time on this earth. I got it horribly and ultimately, fatally wrong and it was the most important thing to me in my life so it's torn my heart out. On the way home from exercise tonight I had tears again, during exercise my mind goes back to my boy about what happened even out today and yesterday I felt like breaking down in public. I have to say though right this point in time I feel pretty good afer a hard workout. But my mind and mood is up and down like a yo-yo.

Robin thank you so much for being so kind to me and helping me through this hard time. Honestly as mentioned previously you and various others have been a HUGE HELP to me in these hard times. I am so sorry I get caught up so much in my own issues that you too are going through your own hard times yourself. I send out much love, prayers, to you, your family and your lost pets because you deserve it. As I say a lot on here, may god bless you, me, and us all.

 
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catconcern

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I also feel I at least owed it to my boy to try harder. He was so loyal, I felt I betrayed that loyalty in so many ways as you all know 100 times over by now.  I didn't take those extra steps, broken promises etc. I should have given that loyalty and trust back to him, which he gave to me. It wasn't his time, but I made it his time. He had more quality of life left in him I believe in my heart and mind 100 percent.  I'm a stupid idiot. 
 
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catconcern

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Watching a movie now called disconnect. Some of the conversations in it reminded me of a lot of us in here. About internet communication etc.
 
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