Nice words and good advice robin. I am so angry at myself for not going to see him a second time though before he had anesthetic and was put to sleep. Ive come to terms with not being there at the end, but while he was awake I was going to go and see him again and I didnt. This is killing me. I picture him lonely at the vet wondering where the hell was I, I just abandoned him. As mentioned I didnt want to put anymore of my fear into him going into his operation, which he never had. I went back to see him while he was asleep before het did get put down to say goodbye, and went back again moments after me and my family walked ut the door. But he was asleep, he wouldnt have known I was there. Im sorry i know im repeating myself I just cat believe after 15.5 years it ended with me not being there properly. Did he even have to get put down? he was grooming before I took him to the vet and jumped on the window sill. I think he could have gone on. The vet wanted to prevent suffering down the track where imo he had more time. I believe he wasnt ready to go. And I put him down.
I`ve been told by someone who knows that once cancer cells are open and exposed to oxygen they just grow absolutely wild. I think if you went with the scenario of having your cat stitched up and sent home, matters would have deteriorated very rapidly. At the very least he would have to wear one of those silly-looking funnel collars to keep him from biting out the stitches. At worst he would be on chemo which is dreadful.
keys in hand ? so you would have to travel back to the vet? how long would that take?
Thanks zoneout. I do know these things happen. I'm thankful that you would go to great lengths to ease my pain and make me understand. I know I'm not a bad person, but I don't forgive myself. I'd simply be lying to myself if I said I did. And to you. I know I did a good job in the 15 years I looked after him. ATM though it's no consolation that I'm a good person etc.
I want to relate this to you in the hope it gives you solace. About 10 years ago I made some horrible life-altering decisions that impacted myself and my family. I loathed myself for what I had done. It was like a nightmare and I wanted the pain I was in to end. I saw an analyst who helped a little. It was a dark tunnel and I saw no way to forgive myself for what I did. Finally one day I had an epiphany. It occurred to me that what I did was a bad thing - however that did not make me a bad person. For years I could not separate the 2 things - bad people do bad things. But this is simply not true. I knew in my heart I was a good person with good intentions. I just had a mental lapse one day but I figured out that it couldn`t and shouldn`t define me. I was human and made a horrible mistake - that`s what being human is all about. We do the best we can but we cannot approach perfection..... not even close.
I know God forgives you - you just need to ask him. I know your boy forgives you. For he is in a better place with no pain and able to run free - maybe he even has his own ironing board in heaven to jump on. And most of all you have to forgive yourself. What happened, happened. The situation was dicey so nobody can say you should have done this or that. Had things gone smoother and you had more time to plan then maybe you would have reacted differently. But that doesn`t guarantee that it would have been better - only different. What if you went back and your boy was even more distressed. We dont know. It happened as it did. It was meant to be.
I hope you can get to the point soon where you realize just how much of a kind-hearted soul you were to take care of your boy for 15 years. He knows that.You made a mistake under intense duress. He forgives you. Now its time to forgive yourself and bring joy back into your life for yourself and for those that need and love you.
Be as negative as you feel you have to. I know the agony. I have walked in your shoes and the pain is indescribable. There was one time I asked myself `how could I be so stupid` 32 times. 32!! At that point in my life I was depressed and my closest cat Max (he`s 10 now) stayed with me and helped me through those dark days - was more supportive than my wife at the time - who was cold as a witches .... Max reminds me very much of the bond you had with your guy. I know I will be devastated when Max has to leave me.
Thanks. I hope he has forgiven me. You're right he would have for sure as he loves me so much. I hate him being there alone with those rough as guts handlers though they were pathetic.
Well being Down Under I guess you guys do indeed `break down` while we northern folk tend to `break up` ..... just ask my lunatic ex.
Thanks. I hope he has forgiven me. You're right he would have for sure as he loves me so much. I hate him being there alone with those rough as guts handlers though they were pathetic.
This post made me laugh hahaha you have a good sense of humor. You are right though beating myself up isn't going t change anything. Thanks for being there for me.
Until my next break down { I give myself 5 minutes }
hahahahahaha!
Well being Down Under I guess you guys do indeed `break down` while we northern folk tend to `break up` ..... just ask my lunatic ex.
