I lost my cat 4 days ago

zoneout

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ill reply to each post a little later. I know death is inevitable, and he would have gone at some stage. Whether it would be a week, a month, 3 no one knows. The thing is I believed he had more time and wasn't ready to go. Of course I couldn't save him long term, but I could have given him more time, he wasn't on his death bed. I should have saw him while he we conscious a second time and calm him down.

Remember, I took him to the vet to try to fix him, I said id give him every chance of getting better and I wouldn't put him down. I did the opposite that day. I didn't do everything to fix him, 2 options, stitch him up and come home or have the op, I did neither and I did what I said I wouldn't do. Put him down. Prematurely ending his life.


If he could jump up after grooming himself and lay in the window sill, how much pain was he in? Yes he was suffering before the split, but he wasn't on his death bed.
To me, it seems the fact you had the 2 options on your mind - you werent prepared mentally for the 3rd option which took you by surprise.    So you werent in the proper frame of mind to make an informed decision.   

For this reason you cannot blame yourself for what happenned.   Even though you promised to bring him home, you never expected what ultimately transpired and so there was no way to prepare for it.   You got blindsided.    I am 110% sure I would have fallen into the same trap as you had.      Absolutly positive.    

Going into a vet with a very sick pet we get scared - I do anyway.   It helps to have a sympathetic vet who can help people cope with the situation.   Not all of them are good at that.    Unfortunately it seems your vet didnt guide you properly.    They are the professionals in charge of the situation and should be aware of how to advise and direct and console people.

You had alot stacked against you that you werent prepared for that day.   I think robinathome has a good idea and if you could help the life of another  cat who needs a protector maybe it would be a tribute in a way to your boy.

Peace
 

robinathome

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Hey I really like that Zoneout, a tribute to your boy Catconcern, but only when you are ready.  Please re read my post #43.  I too made a huge mistake with Ali my first cat every.  That too broke my heart that I left her for my vet and neighbor/cartaker  to attend to her passing while I went away with my new boyfriend and friends.  I did not make the decision to pts Ali till I got the the airport I called my vet sobbing knowing it was so unfair for me to leave her.  In the end I was not there with her.  We make mistakes.  The love you have catconcern will come around again because you are so passionate about this.  And I only learned during the end of Frannys life that cat really do hide their illness till its to late.  As said they hide away to protect themselves and the pretend to look Ok so they do not get attacked by a preditor.  this is their nature.  Please find some happiness this weekend and think about all the unwanted kittens that may not have a life if you don't open your heart again.  When I lost Franny I adopted 2 cats so they could hang out together.  They never where close but I could see sometimes they had fun.  OMG.......JUST REALIZED......about a year ago the bigger brother of Franny started taunting her.  She would hid under the bed and growl.  Was this the beginning of the end??????  Hiding to protect herself.  She also started vomiting a little more back then.  She must have been sick a long long time before I knew.    
  
 

quiet

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I can only write a second. My horse is having major issues again and I have to get over to her.

You know I worked for many different vets the last one being a specialty hospital. Every single patient I had that didn't make it, was put to sleep or died on their own I went over and over it in my head and picked apart everything I did wrong, or could of done different. Even though ultimately it wasn't my responsibility, I still beat myself up to this day about them.

couple of examples:

Cat came in with slightly elevated liver values and not eating well but still eating. The people were great. The vet wanted to do a feeding tube they wanted to wait. The next day they called and changed their mind. Different vet. I had been asked to do relief at another hospital and wasn't there. I worked that day and got called in to work the night shift the next day which started when the day shift ended. I saw the cat in a cage and he looked horrible. The people were in the waiting room and there was tension between the doctor and the people. I tried to ask the tech in charge of him what was going on but got the famous "He's fine" response. She also mentioned that he was a very bad cat. I talked to the vet and he was irritated at me for asking and saying that the cat didn't look well. OK, cat went home. Next day I had to work, it was a weekend. It bothered me about the cat and I called the people to see how he was doing. They were concerned and upset. I called the vet and said that and the vet told me the people were crazy and that they were just freaking out over nothing and a huge PIA. He told me to call them and tell them that the tech that had helped them would call. I called them back a few hours later when I got off work to see how he was. They were very upset saying the cat was ill and not right and they were having trouble with the feedings and that they felt something was wrong but they got no help from the tech and she wouldn't let tem speak to the doctor. I asked them if they wanted me to go to their house as a friend and just see what I thought and if I could help them. I found out the back story during the drive to their house talking to the woman who owned the cat. Actually it was her 17 year old son's cat but they both loved him. He was 4 years old. Apparently they had got the feeding tube in and the cat vomited the feeding tube at home. Panicked they didn't know what to do because nobody gave them a contact number (it was against the new coorperate policy) I would always give my number anyway. So panicked and freaking out they took the cat to the ER. The ER doctor replaced the tube and sent the cat to the vet that origanallly placed it where I worked. then the place I worked but wasn't there that day continued the feedings and sent the cat home. sorry for all the details here. I got to their house and it was horrible. The cat was facing a wall in a closet and they couldn't keep him out of there. He was abdominal breathing which is where his stomach area will rise and fall instead of his chest. I listened to his chest with my stethoscope and told them he had to go back to the ER right now because something was not sounding rite to me in his chest. I told them on the drive there to call the other tech and let her know they were going. I went back to work and got his full medical records copied and x rays and all together and met them at the ER with everything. I took the cat to the back office and tried to speak to the emergency vet who replied "Yeah, your guys doc already called me and apparently these people are crazy and worried about nothing" I said please look at his breathing and he told me to put him in a cage and said he was fine. I waited in the side lines till he got him out of the cage and I left because I would have most likely been thrown out. I didn't see the people again. I called them that night and left a message and the next day. Finally Sunday night I called the ER and asked how the cat was doing and was told. " Dead. The feeding tube was going into his chest cavity space and we euthanized him"

The story is so much worse when I found out the details. I can't even go there right now in my head. It was ....no words to describe the feeling. Even now as I write this I want to throw up, cry like crazy and do something unmentionable to a certain 4 people involved. I have never been able to "come to terms" with that. I never will. It is a big sick hole in me that will never be okay again. I spoke to the people on the phone after that because I had to call them. I had to tell them how sorry I was and be there for them. I talked to both of them allot. They asked me about a lawsuit and I told the truth about not doing any good and only wasting more money. I suggested they write the medical board. I didn't know at that time it would do nothing. I have an enormous amount of guilt and shame and all the other things about that entire situation. Like I said I found out details that made it so much worse if anything can be worse than having an owner literally drown that cat in food.

I have to stop talking about that one. The thing is I have many more stories similar although I don't think quite that horrific. I have all the feelings of guilt and shame and everything else about them. I have made so many mistakes and have so many regrets. It never goes away. Yet I do get up every day. I do go through the motions of life and I do function. That is all you are looking for in your raw state, is just being able to function, kind of.

The pain doesn't go away. Some wounds stay like open sores on the soul. But you can do what you need to do even though it hurts so bad. You still have to function. You can try to have a mental break and sit in a closet but sooner or later you get hungry or have to go to the bathroom and so ends the mental break down, You do what you can to get by and just function for now. slowly you will find something that will become more important than your grief and you will have to do what you must to try to save a life of another animal.

I only wrote this (not to highjack your thread) but to let you know that yes it hurts. We all have things we feel very bad about. That doesn't mean your pain doesn't count. It does very much. But it will become a part of you and who you are and you will learn to live with this.

I hope I don't come off here as a lunatic. I just want you to know that it won't always be so dark and cold.
 
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catconcern

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That was a very helpful post zone out and very smart thank you. It helped me realise some good points. Waking up before I looked in my backyard and still feel my boy is buried there because of me. But that was an awesome post. Thank you my friend
 
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catconcern

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Thabks robin. Another awesome helpful post. U been thru so much yourself and that situation re the airport relates to me a lot. Thank you for always being there for me.sorry for your losses too.
 
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catconcern

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Quiet, u didn't ramble or hijack my thread at all and u don't sound like a lunatic, quite the opposite actually. That was a great and helpful post. Thanks for caring and going so in depth also like the others here. It helps a lot. Honestly, I love ppl posting in here it does heaps it's not hijacking i want ppl to post in here and can tell their own stories because it relates to me, helps ppl have the experience and i also want good ppl like everyone on here to share their good times, bad, heartache, everything. As much as I've been suffering, this thread is also about you all as well so I want everyone to feel free to express their views, stories, tributes to their own babies whatever one wants. We have all either suffered, or are suffering, so again I want good ppl like u in here posting as much and whatever they want. It does help. A lot.

Thank you quiet. You are another amazing person on this site.
 
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robinathome

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Quiet, now I understand why you have such compassion.  You worked in vet clinics, you have seen so much.  Thank you again for your informative in site, We all help each other here and you do a great job of reminding us of whats important. 
 

zoneout

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OMG.......JUST REALIZED......about a year ago the bigger brother of Franny started taunting her.  She would hid under the bed and growl.  Was this the beginning of the end??????  Hiding to protect herself.  She also started vomiting a little more back then.  She must have been sick a long long time before I knew.    :frown2:   
No I don't think Franny was hiding from her brother because she was sick but she was just scared. My cats run and hide under the beds whenever I run the vacuum cleaner.

I think there are certain signs to look for illness that cats cannot hide. For instance frequent vomiting is a signal that something isn't right. Unfortunately, the pervading view is that some cats are just prone to puking - but this is usually our first indication that something is wrong. Healthy cats don't vomit - unless they happen to ingest something that doesn't set well with them.
 

zoneout

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Quiet, you are a very good person. I think we all wish and hope someone like you was with our babies when they are sick and ill.
X
I'll second that. It appears that the more a person cares, the more they grieve. It goes hand in hand.
 
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catconcern

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today was hell. The last 3 days of my life have been some of the worst, but some of the best. I had a great day yesterday, got out a lot and caught up with some very close friends I consider family. At the end of it though on the way home there were more shed tears and was the case when I was at home. More of the same today, I looked at my cats place of burial in the back yard and again felt like he shouldnt have been there, he should be alive in the house with me, in his room resting on such a beautiful day. TBH, I wanted to die today.  But I spoke to a wonderful, experienced amazing grief counselor who helped me so much, she did a lot for me. I went out afterwards did my daily activities and had a blast. I said some prayers for him, for myself and for my family, I thanked him again for doing so much for me in my life and told him he as the strongest thing I know and have ever met, and went on to honor him in a game of basketball that I played. I played my heart out for him and had a great game playing inspiring, tenacious, tough and smart like him. he's given me so much strength over the years and I want to honor my life to him. When I was out in the day the same thing, for everything he gave me, I owe it to him and myself to be happy and have fun and do the best I can. The weather was so beautiful today and like many people and animals, he loved sunny days. Just lazing in the window sill, or outside, just lazing around nonchalantly, walking in that manner also. He was like a proud king/prince, he was a charismatic cat. He didnt spend much of his later years outside as we didnt want him eating mice, birds, or getting into mischief which he loved doing but yeah, he loved the sun. We only let him out for an hour in the mornings. The later weeks of his life though I did let him go outside during the day a bit, on the odd occasion sometimes twice, I'm so thankful now because Im glad he had started doing this before his downfall and he had that fun and luxoury.I'd go with him and look after him, he did sneak off a couple of times though and came back later
Such a loyal boy though, 99 percent of the time when I called him when he was outside he'd com straight away. He'd already be upstairs half the time after I'd call him from inside, or on his way back. Or if I was looking over the fence, I'd turn around and there he'd already be upstairs coming to me or waiting outside the door.  He was an amazing cat who would wait outside my door when I'd wake up, he could hear me from all the way from the other side of the house when I hadnt even got out of bed. Barely even moved or made a noise. We were/are connected. My mum reckons and I believe too he would know just before I was about to wake up, as mentioned he would leave his room from the other side of the house and wait outside mine or wait in the kitchen. Many mornings I would get straight out of bed and walk to the toilet first thing and by the time I got to the hallway with the bathroom in the next room he'd meet me half way to get his biscuits and say good morning. I loved that. I knew I'd miss that when he went and treasured that. Sometimes he would wait or come and visit me in the toilet, sometimes he would come in the room were the toilet is right before I finished up, he sensed and knew it before I actually did finish again waiting for his biscuits. He, like many animals especially cats had a sixth sense. He used to slide in when I was in the toilet and say hello rubbing my legs , through the racked door he'd just stare at me and wait, i used to love looking into his eyes. After my shower same thing he'd side in the small gap between the door and rub himself on my legs or just sit there and wait, or wait for me outside the door once again waiting for his biscuits. { invades my privacy and likes his biscuits as you can see
}

I cant say what else he did various times trying to prevent me from danger and turmoil because I dont want to reveal myself if anyone I know reads this, but he had my best interests always at heart and tried to steer me away from danger and save me agony. He was my guardian angel and my soul mate. Anyway, the last few days Ive got out of the house and did some things because I owe it to him, today I celebrated after talking to the grief counselor by having fun for him, and playing an intense game of basketball in his honor playing for the tenacious, smart,  kind spirited, loving, amazing angelic champion cat that he is. He was one tough boy who endured a lot and was my soul mate. He knew how much I loved him I'd tell him all the time and he knew what he meant to me and how highly I thought of him. My cat was/is, a true champion in so many aspects. My cat was and is my hero, and my beautiful, smart boy. 

I cried after the game, I cried just moments before, I'll keep crying. But I'll do my best to honor him and fight through the hard times because I owe it to him, and he taught me that, and If I could be half as tough and strong as him and resilient,  I would be a world champion like he was. 

I love you buddy, you inspired me and will continue to inspire me. You made me a better person in so many ways and did so much for me, you changed my life for the better and brought me many good times. YOU MADE MY LIFE BETTER.  I wish I could have saw you a second time while you were awake, I wish I could have comforted you more and told you even more how much I love you and what youve done for me, and meant to me, I didnt want you to be scared. I wish I could have made you less afraid but lucky mum saw you after I did, and she said you werent scared. I wish I did give you another chance before we had you euthanized and I kept my promise. I still feel like I broke that promise to you and then what, you all of a sudden wake up in the next life. That kills me. but I know you forgive me and if you don't please forgive me boy and I will reunite with you in the next life but before I do I must honor you the way you honored me. I want to do many great things in life for US. I love you eternally, you are my eternal soul mate
 
 
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catconcern

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I have to add these two things tho. My cat was overly aggressive towards the vet who administered the cortisone towards him, 2-4 months before she actually did. He wasn't always easy to handle, but he became aggressive. Like, way, way out of character aggression. I believe it was because he knew she was trouble. Even with the other vet we used, way, way aggressive. I believe because he knew they'd lead to his down fall. I do know a lot of them get like this or don't like going to the vet, but the way my boy acted towards the vet who have the cortisone was pshyco aggressive.

I know the cortisone led to his downfall fast. And I believe he sensed danger and eventually being put down hence the lack of trust and acting wild towards the vets. He wasn't always like that.
 
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catconcern

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My baby would jump the back fence, when I  called him, It was high up. He'd have to do it in two lots, the first he'd jump and then grip with his claws and hold on, then re-set and jump a second time from that point while grasping on and make a funny noise when he did it. He'd jump fences that high just to come and see me. He;d then rub himself on me when up on the ledge of the wall


I miss him. I still feel bad for breaking a promise, not comforting him more, leaving him at the vet scared. In my mind, my cat thought he'd be coming home because why wouldn't he? H'e smart, he knows what goes on. I promised him I wouldnt put him down. Yet that's what I did. He went into the next life knowing I said I wouldn't put him there, i promised him I wouldn't. He's smart, I abandoned him in his critical most  vital moment of need. He would have been in the next life thinking I lied and abandoned him and thought why on earth am I here.
 

glencatman

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Catconcern, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm praying for you.
 
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catconcern

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Update in my situation. I played sport on Tuesday night and was in tears after the game. I had a horror night, horror next day keeping in touch with the 6 weeks and 2 days I have endured since my baby boys departure from this earth. 15.5 years my guardian angel was by my side and in my heart, spirit, mind and soul and when he left me it ripped me to shreds. I pleaded with god, I said to him, for gods sake. If you are real, give me a sign that he is ok. Show me you are real and he is ok. I don't know whether I'm clutching at straws here but maybe he did give me a sign he's ok. Heres what happened.

After being so hurt and in pain on Wednesday I decided I had to get some kittens. I had to direct my attention to something positive because the way I felt and was headed, life was becoming unliveable. I needed a purpose in life. Anyway, I got the kittens. When they were first treated by the cat haven, the date it said was on my birthday. I guess it's not related to my baby boy who I lost but I took that as a sign nonetheless. About an hour or two after I was home with the 3 kittens, bold and the beautiful was on. In this episode, there was a guy in it with his girlfriend and they mentioned of all things kitty litter, going to a shelter and adopting kittens. On the same day I did? Now that's a coincidence ( and no I don't watch that show my mum does haha ) then later on that night my next door neighbour came and gave me a crystal plaque thing with my boys picture and name on it as a commemoration. She got the pic off my dad as she wanted to do something nice for me as she knew the pain I was in. Anyway, I don't know whether it was god giving me signs that my baby boy is ok. But the more I think about it, it is god. That's my update anyway.

I cried again today. I cry everyday. I love my boy. But for his sake and mine, I have to move on. The kittens I brought, 2 sisters and one brother have put light back into my life. My boy taught me to love and be a good person. I have to honour him as he would want me to be happy and live a good life and looking after kittens is a good act of love which he taught me. Since I've got the kittens, I have felt a lot better although obviously I still mourn my beautiful baby boy and always will. He is apart of me, I am apart of him.

God bless you my baby boy. May god bless me and my families lives, my new pets lives and deceased, and bless you all. Peace to us all.
 
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catconcern

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And thank you the cat site forums! Oh my god, how you have helped me so much. Whoever made this site, what a wonderful invention. This site has helped me so much like the great forumites on here and I've interacted with some marvellous people and keep in contact (You know who you are :) )

Thanks!
 

zoneout

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Let`s see... 365 day in a year and the kittens are treated on your birthday;  hundreds of episodes of Bold and Beautiful (thousands of shows in general) and on this day they script in adopting kittens; and top it off with a commemorative plaque from a wonderful and caring neighbor.   Astronomical odds....If this isn`t a sign of approval from your boy I don`t know what is.   

Should be plenty of joy watching these kits play with each other.   Your boy is happy watching them too from up above!!

Congrats on the new cats ....lol   Keep us posted.
 

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Coincidence?  I think not.  That is a perfect example of SYNCHRONICITY.  Yes, it's definitely the sign you were asking for.

Synchronicities are those moments of “meaningful coincidence” when the boundary dissolves between the inner and the outer. At the synchronistic moment, just like a dream, our internal, subjective state appears, as if materialized in, as and through the outside world. Touching the heart of our being, synchronicities are moments in time in which there is a fissure in the fabric of what we have taken for reality and there is a bleed through from a higher dimension outside of time. Synchronicities are expressions of the dreamlike nature of reality, as they are moments in time when the timeless, dreamlike nature of the universe shines forth its radiance and openly reveals itself to us, offering us an open doorway to lucidity.     ~ Paul Levy ~ Awaken in the Dream ~

http://www.awakeninthedream.com/wordpress/catching-the-bug-of-synchronicity/
 
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When my cat died 4 years ago I was very depressed and didn't do anything for a week. Then my wife made me get another cat. I was hesitant, but i got one. It made things better.
 

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Nice to hear about your new kitties! I'm sure they'll brighten up your life, and I believe your boy would want you to be happy. Just give it time and keep trusting in God.
 
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