I lost my cat 4 days ago

My mum went and saw him after that as when she got the phone call that his side had spit open she was out. I thank god that he didnt get put to sleep before she did because I didnt want him to have our parting memory as the last in his mind. My mum said that when she called his name at the vet his ears sprung up and he got up and turned around to see my mum while he was in his cage. My mum patted him. When she came home and told me this I wanted to go back and see him again but I thought I didnt want to put anymore of my negativity and fear into him. But now I regret it like crazy. I wasn't there for him. The last time I saw him I left him scared, tense. I wasnt comforting enough. I didnt make it known how much he really meant to me and how much I'd miss him, how much I was scared for him. We got a phone call a while later as the vet was going to do the operation. My cat was being assessed while he was asleep obviously. Our vet advised us that the cancer had spread right through his rib cage as mentioned earlier in this post. It was developing on his legs too. The lumps he had around his body were cancerous although we were advised a long time ago they weren't. He said the fact that my cat was 15.5 years old, the way the cancer was spreading and if it were his cat he would put my boy down while he was asleep and not suffering. That's what we decided to do. I hate myself for it because I told him I wouldnt put him down, I promised him I wouldnt. We went to the vet to go and see him one last time before he did get put down. I was devastated and crying uncontrollably and outside the vet I was shaking and my legs wre having spasms. It hurt seeing him on the operating table. We said our good byes and I went in a second time because I couldnt leave him again without saying a few things. What is also KILLING me is that I was so upset I didnt even think to stay around for his last injection. The vet didnt mention anything to me about sking if I wanted to be present or when he was going to do it. I was so upset I went in the next day and asked why he didnt ask. At the time I was so upset and messed up the thought didnt enter my head, and I wont lie apart of me did think get the hell out of there I can't see him like this. But as mentioned I had it in me to go back and say goodbye a second time. If the vet had asked me the words, I would have been with him until his very last moments. The vet called me last night and said he said to my mum '' do you want to leave it at that '' meaning to you want to stay or go. My mum was so upset those words didnt even register and she wouldnt had even knew what he was meaning by that even if it did nor did she know I wanted to be with my cat in his last moments. I kissed my cat on his head, paws, feet, side, tail and back before I left him and said thank you for making me a stronger, better, wiser person etc. I am devastated though that I wasn't there for him at the very end. I wanted to hold and be with my cat while he got that last injection and he was taking his last breaths and finally cross over. I feel like I failed him, and me, by not holding him and comfoting him to the very end. My mind has been a mess ever since. I cant get it out of my head.

Sorry for the in depth post. Ive posted this before in a thread I made. But no matter how many times I tell this story, all talk to people, I cant get it out of my head that I wasnt there for him in the moments he really needed me to be. I failed him. I failed myself. 

I feel like I took him against his will to the vet scared, I didnt comfort him and thank him enough and show him enough compassion and love. I broke 2 promises to him that I wouldnt give up on him and wouldnt put him down. I'd tell him over the years so many times I'd never leave you and always protect you and when it mattered most I did leave him and I didnt protect him. I left him there sacred and I left him there after he let out that grizzly murmuer like he knew it would be the last time was saw each other and he knew he was going to die.I hate myself for not going back to see and comfort and talk and pat him a second time after I had dropped him off and my mum had seen him and at the end I dont forgive myself for not being there and holding him and talking to him when he got his last injection that ended his life.

Yesterday I cried the most and hardest out of all days. I feel I did heal some what and get some of the demons out although they are still there. I cried again this morning like I do every time I wake up. I cried so many times yesterday too. I cried hard for the 3 hours when my family were comforting, consoling and talking to me.

the scared murmur he let out haunts me.I cant even remember if i consoled him more after that. I am an absolute moron. I was scared also for him. The whole situation freaked me out. I cant believe this.

I just came to the conclusion after going back and talking with my parents that the reason why I wasnt as comforting him enough the last time I saw him was that I was down playing the situation for him. I didnt want him going into surgery thinking it was good bye and he was in real danger. The thing is he was. And if I knew there was a good chance it would be the last time we saw each other, and there was as the surgery itself could have ended his life then I should have said a proper goodbye.  I didnt want any of my fear or negativity being put in him. Its why I didnt go back and see him while he was awake the 2nd time after my mum had got home from seeing him. But again in hind sight, if there was a strong chance the surgery could have killed him I should have gone back to see him. I should have given him a better, comforting feeling and thoughts of me.I just didnt want my negativity being projected into him. I guess I couldnt think of everything at the time. He went there for an operation. It was only after he was asleep and being assessed that on the vets best advice that he should have been put down and we decided that was the best thing for him.

Unreal. I feel sorry for anyone who has been  through this and has to go through this. If you can, be there with your pet if you have to have it put to sleep until the very end.

RIP my beautiful soul mate and guardian angel.

One last thing. He should have died with me being there with him. I feel so bad he died with total strangers, not with me being present holding or patting him talking to him. From the moment I got him to the last moments of his life, I should have been there with him.

Catconcern,

You're grieving.  In time, you'll cut yourself some slack.  Your cat was obviously loved and cared for.  My condolences.

Catconcern,

You weren`t prepared for what transpired.   I am sure in your mind you thought your cat will have the operation and the vet will stitch him up and you would take him home to recuperate.   Unfortunately, it turned out he was in very bad shape - the ONLY humane thing was to stop the suffering - it was the right thing to do.   It would have been inhumane and torture to allow your friend to suffer any further.    You did everything proper.    He wasn`t going to get any younger and the cancer sounded like it was extensive and aggressive.    You absolutely made the right choice. 

What happenned at the end sounds like a misunderstanding.   It was nobodies fault.

Be thankful for the time God gave you together.   It will take time for your wounds to heal.  It helps to talk it out and I am glad you are doing that.   

God promised us he will give us beauty for ashes.   Realize you cannot accept the beauty he will bring you until you let the ashes go.   This means there will be better times ahead in your life.   But as long as you hold on to the hurt and anger, it stops God from bringing you His new blessings.

zoneout said:

 
Catconcern,

You weren`t prepared for what transpired.   I am sure in your mind you thought your cat will have the operation and the vet will stitch him up and you would take him home to recuperate.   Unfortunately, it turned out he was in very bad shape - the ONLY humane thing was to stop the suffering - it was the right thing to do.   It would have been inhumane and torture to allow your friend to suffer any further.    You did everything proper.    He wasn`t going to get any younger and the cancer sounded like it was extensive and aggressive.    You absolutely made the right choice. 

What happenned at the end sounds like a misunderstanding.   It was nobodies fault.

Be thankful for the time God gave you together.   It will take time for your wounds to heal.  It helps to talk it out and I am glad you are doing that.   

God promised us he will give us beauty for ashes.   Realize you cannot accept the beauty he will bring you until you let the ashes go.   This means there will be better times ahead in your life.   But as long as you hold on to the hurt and anger, it stops God from bringing you His new blessings.

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thanks zoneout. That post has made me relax a lot more. I know I'm repeating myself and you are saying good things. I'n my mind though I knew there was a great risk he may not make it out of the op. So I know i didnt want to give him negativity before he went in, but if I suspected there was a great risk he may not come out I still should have gone to see him the second time and give him a proper goodbye and comfort. I guess I can also find an answer there, I think in my mind if I had gone to see him the second time, I thought my negativity would give him even less chance in succeeding in the op. I couldnt risk him seeing and feeling anymore of my fear and tension. I apologize for being a total nutcase. My heads going round and round back and forth, I think I'm finally starting to get some answers and pick my brain.

Appreciate all your help. You have helped me immensely and I am grateful for you constantly being there for me. If I hadn't been talking to you I would have lost it completely.

Truth is I see a reflection of myself in what you are going thru.   It sounds like our minds work the same way.  I usually wind up analyzing situations in my life a million ways.   I think its from the ADD that I have.   It`s called hyper-focus when my mind goes into overdrive - I cant sleep - just lying in bed running thru what-if scenarios.    I still feel awful about my cat - thinking that the medicine I was giving her is what wound up killing her due to a bad reaction.   The vet said I should see improvement in 2 days.  But there was no improvement.   I should have stopped.   But I was believing by the 3rd day certainly she should be better.   But that day she went all downhill.  She couldn`t walk.   I put her in the carrier and went to 3 different vets (1st was on lunch, 2nd was attending another emergency).    I could hear her pained cry in the carrier.   I was hoping the vet could do something but her body was already shutting down and then her heart stopped.  I felt sorrow, anger, sadness but mostly a relief for her that she wouldn`t have to suffer any more.

I keep asking myself why I kept giving her the meds when my eyes told me it was not working and making her worse.    I should have handled it differently but I didn`t fully understand what was going on.   So I have no choice but to let it go and learn from it.   I still miss her dearly.    But it`s over.   I have started taking an anti-anxiety med from my doctor and it helps alot.  I also like to listen to stories from the Bible on youtube or podcast.   I find them comforting.

Well its near 5am so I`m going to try and get some sleep hard as that is right now.

I wish you peace and blessed remembrance of the good times you had with your friend.  I am sure he is in kitty heaven thanking you for providing his needs all those years.   He could have had a more difficult life had you not found each other.

Z

zoneout said:

 
Truth is I see a reflection of myself in what you are going thru.   It sounds like our minds work the same way.  I usually wind up analyzing situations in my life a million ways.   I think its from the ADD that I have.   It`s called hyper-focus when my mind goes into overdrive - I cant sleep - just lying in bed running thru what-if scenarios.    I still feel awful about my cat - thinking that the medicine I was giving her is what wound up killing her due to a bad reaction.   The vet said I should see improvement in 2 days.  But there was no improvement.   I should have stopped.   But I was believing by the 3rd day certainly she should be better.   But that day she went all downhill.  She couldn`t walk.   I put her in the carrier and went to 3 different vets (1st was on lunch, 2nd was attending another emergency).    I could hear her pained cry in the carrier.   I was hoping the vet could do something but her body was already shutting down and then her heart stopped.  I felt sorrow, anger, sadness but mostly a relief for her that she wouldn`t have to suffer any more.

I keep asking myself why I kept giving her the meds when my eyes told me it was not working and making her worse.    I should have handled it differently but I didn`t fully understand what was going on.   So I have no choice but to let it go and learn from it.   I still miss her dearly.    But it`s over.   I have started taking an anti-anxiety med from my doctor and it helps alot.  I also like to listen to stories from the Bible on youtube or podcast.   I find them comforting.

Well its near 5am so I`m going to try and get some sleep hard as that is right now.

I wish you peace and blessed remembrance of the good times you had with your friend.  I am sure he is in kitty heaven thanking you for providing his needs all those years.   He could have had a more difficult life had you not found each other.

Z

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I agree, I think our minds work the same way haha. I too,  like you over analyze so much. This one in particular because my boy meant the world to me. Hyper focus? I must have the same thing. I do that intensely also, only I get to sleep ok although i do have a habit of waking up in the middle of the morning at times. That is awful about your cat. So sorry those things happened. You were doing what any good owner would do however and you took advice from a qualified vet. That would be traumatic for you to hear the cries of your cat but what a great and dedicated loving person you are for driving to 3 vets! That shows how much love you have for your cat. I am so sorry it unfolded that way for you and your precious baby, that's horrifying. 

You did your best regarding the meds and did what you were instructed by the vet. You believed it would help. It is not your fault. I'm letting go of what unfolded to my boy and I too. I'll never forget him and how much I love him and how much he's helped me. I think anit-anxiety is a good thing for you and I should be on it myself! lord knows I need it, quite literally. I'm also going to start getting into the Bible, a friend told me to do it and I have to. It's what I've neglected.

Hopefully you are asleep and resting well and you read this post after a good nights rest. I'm going to do the same, 9pm over here.

''  I wish you peace and blessed remembrance of the good times you had with your friend.  I am sure he is in kitty heaven thanking you for providing his needs all those years.   He could have had a more difficult life had you not found each other ''

Spoken like a champion, thank you, and iikewise!

Peace

To second guess ourselves, all the what if's and I should haves are a normal part of the grieving process, our hearts are broken and you were truly not 'in your right mind' with all the grief. Your sweet baby will never hold anything at all against you, he would never want you to be so sad and remember him with such pain, but to treasure the great love you two shared. Try not to dwell on his death but remember the good times you had with him, even if you have to force yourself to think of something else. Remember, he will always have a place in your heart and will dwell there forever. Bless you for having such a great capacity to love, though it requires the necessity to grieve when we lose our loved ones. You are not alone in your grief, share it with others who care and it will lighten the burden on your soul. I'll pray for you both...... beautiful boy, you graced your family and the world with your presence and bonded with your family's souls, RIP little one.

I totally know what you are going through. I put my cat down almost a month ago due to a suspected cancer. I always said I would never put her down, no matter what, but she was not herself for about a month leading up to this and I was so scared for her. Something in my clicked and I made the arrangements. 

Like you, I have so many regrets. She was scared at the vets too. I wasn`t myself and was a total wreck around her. I also didn`t hold her as she was put to sleep. A month later I am still struggling and I don`t let myself stop to think about it, because if I do, I break down. 

Putting an animal down is such a hard thing. I keep reliving that day in my head and blaming myself for everything I can think of. So I know how you are feeling. 

Its been a month for me. I can tell you, yes it is a little easier. But it isn`t at the same time. I miss her like mad. 

I am so so sorry for you loss. Big hugs to you hun. 

littlefluffytab said:

 
I totally know what you are going through. I put my cat down almost a month ago due to a suspected cancer. I always said I would never put her down, no matter what, but she was not herself for about a month leading up to this and I was so scared for her. Something in my clicked and I made the arrangements. 

Like you, I have so many regrets. She was scared at the vets too. I wasn`t myself and was a total wreck around her. I also didn`t hold her as she was put to sleep. A month later I am still struggling and I don`t let myself stop to think about it, because if I do, I break down. 

Putting an animal down is such a hard thing. I keep reliving that day in my head and blaming myself for everything I can think of. So I know how you are feeling. 

Its been a month for me. I can tell you, yes it is a little easier. But it isn`t at the same time. I miss her like mad. 

I am so so sorry for you loss. Big hugs to you hun. 

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What is hurting me now littlefluffytab, is that I didn't even have to put him through the operation, which I didn't in the end. I mean, we could have just had him stitched up, and come home. In my mind, I thought he HAD to have the tumors/cancer removed. I thought if he didn't he would die. But he wouldn't have. My cat had a huge wound that had just opened, so I took him to the vet because he had to have that stitched up. In my mind I thought if we didn't have that worked on, he would die. But now that my head is clear, it was not something that HAD to be done. The vet asked '' while he's asleep, would you like me to take out the cancer '' I said yes. This is only coming to me now. It was when we got a phone call from the vet, he said to me he had a lot of cancer spreading everywhere and he should be put down because the operation would put him in too much pain. But he didn't have to have the operation, he could have just got stitched up, come home, and been with us and not died prematurely. I now think I've robbed my boy of time alive and he didn't want to go. Even when he had that gaping wound, he was still grooming himself and jumped up on the window sill. I'm going mad. I was starting to come to terms with anlot of the other stuff, but now I have this to deal with too.

I am very sorry for what you are going through. Hearing what have you described and the fact that it's very much like what I've gone through, helps me a lot knowing I'm not alone and you know how I feel. It hurts me knowing that for a whole month, you have been going what I went through. That is pure hell. I hope you can find a way to lessen that. I had to go to the doctor and get prescribed some medication to calm down because I had never been in so much mental and physical turmoil than what I was in. There is always negatives with those type of things too. As bad as this situation is, lets the both of us stick together and anyone else who has been going through this or will go through this and take comfort in the fact that we are not alone. We will all work together in getting over this, moving forward, and talk abut it. Talking has done wonders and god knows its all ive been doing about it since it's happened. Ive simply had too.

Peace and strength for you and all of us. I'll be in touch.

I'm so sorry for your loss and everything you are going through.  Feeling guilty is normal, but you loved your cat and he knew.  Our Paws had cancer, too, and I can understand.  I know you were forced with a terrible decision, but you did the best you could.  Please don't think that you failed him or yourself.  The world needs more gentle people who care for animals as much as you do.  

Hi littlefuffytab, we have no answers...we do our best.  I sent my first cat to heaven in 2001...I never liked cats...then during a Hurricane, I got one.  I gave her a home and we had a great 14 years together.  Tonight I have the next perfect little girl 12 yrs old.  I am taking her tomorrow for a 2nd opinion...she did not eat today and she is 3 lbs...she is very sick with Lymphoma...or so I know from a sono/xray...but no biopsy.  So yesterday I struggled with taking her for a 2nd opinion that will be very stressful, she could even die there tomorrow.  DO NOT have regrets.  We all do the best we can.  And in the end we give our beautiful pets a great life because we would not be on this site if we did not care.  Your little furry tab...was so lucky to have you.  I rescued my 2 cats from possible death...so I am going to have to remember that as she slips away.    You did everything and I mean everything....because you cared enough to show it on this website.  

I can tell you are so much like me in this situation. I get that our circumstances are different yet we are both coming from the same place. My cat had a large lump that caused her very severe episodes of pain were she would continuously fall over and kick her feet yowling. It was a month before I put her down where it happened again and was at its worst. She hid half under the bed and wouldn't move so I took her to the Er vet, were they couldn't tell me it was cancer but suspected it was. My regular vet said we could do another ultrasound but that still may not show us what exactly that huge lump was on her belly. They did tell me her spleen was swollen and it could be related to it. So for her last month I tried a couple different pain killers. One made her high as a kite and super alert, the other was a pain to give to her orally and either didn't work or I couldn't administer it properly. Thing is, she was also acting normally. Like your baby. She ate her food, drank her water for the most part, and used her litter box, even though it pained her. She still showed interest in playing but most importantly still cuddled and purred. I made the decision to put her down because despite her normalish behavior, she wasn't normal. She was so vocal and just looked at me all the time with a lost look in her eyes. Sometimes she looked at nothing at all. She started laying half under my coffee table right by my feet. And couldn't get comfy in her cat bed enough to have a good sleep. So despite all the normal behavior, i could have kept her around longer. Maybe she would still be with me today if I didn't put her down? So I know all about feeling like the decision was too soon. Premature. I believe that is exactly the feeling that comes with euthanasia.

I also have had a terrible time calming down. I hate being alone (because when I was, she was always there). I am not sleeping good and have been terribly moody. I am also thinking of going to my doc.

Hang in there hun. You're not alone. Big hugs!

Hey thanks LFT for your insight.  I know, after having been through it before(but that time my little Ali could not even lift her head and she was peeing blood, almost in a coma) It was easier, this time is so hard because she is still a little active.  You were very brave as we all are.  These friends can not speak.  Its just so hard to know what they are feeling.  Like my first pet I wish I had a definitive answer instead of a little girl that keeps perking up wanting food and to be petted.  Well tomorrow is a 2nd opinion...if I can get her in the stupid cage....I hate doing this. 

Yeah it sure is rough. I struggled putting my baby in her cage too. Breaks my heart so bad thinking of it. I just went into this robot like mode and did it. It's crazy. My thoughts are with you

littlefluffytab said:

I can tell you are so much like me in this situation. I get that our circumstances are different yet we are both coming from the same place. My cat had a large lump that caused her very severe episodes of pain were she would continuously fall over and kick her feet yowling. It was a month before I put her down where it happened again and was at its worst. She hid half under the bed and wouldn't move so I took her to the Er vet, were they couldn't tell me it was cancer but suspected it was. My regular vet said we could do another ultrasound but that still may not show us what exactly that huge lump was on her belly. They did tell me her spleen was swollen and it could be related to it. So for her last month I tried a couple different pain killers. One made her high as a kite and super alert, the other was a pain to give to her orally and either didn't work or I couldn't administer it properly. Thing is, she was also acting normally. Like your baby. She ate her food, drank her water for the most part, and used her litter box, even though it pained her. She still showed interest in playing but most importantly still cuddled and purred. I made the decision to put her down because despite her normalish behavior, she wasn't normal. She was so vocal and just looked at me all the time with a lost look in her eyes. Sometimes she looked at nothing at all. She started laying half under my coffee table right by my feet. And couldn't get comfy in her cat bed enough to have a good sleep. So despite all the normal behavior, i could have kept her around longer. Maybe she would still be with me today if I didn't put her down? So I know all about feeling like the decision was too soon. Premature. I believe that is exactly the feeling that comes with euthanasia.

I also have had a terrible time calming down. I hate being alone (because when I was, she was always there). I am not sleeping good and have been terribly moody. I am also thinking of going to my doc.

Hang in there hun. You're not alone. Big hugs!

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Thanks for your post. Again, it seems like we are in the same boat. It's comforting for me to see someone like myself. Obviously I wouldn't want you to go through this, and it hurts me that you have to go through this. Obviously you are a fantastic, caring, loving, compassionate person. Now I'm starting to see myself in that way because we wouldn't be hurting and thinking about it so hard if we weren't. It goes to show just how much we loved and still do and always love our pets and there best interests are in our heart.  Lack of sleep or being sleep affected makes things so much worse. Not good in this situation with the emotions one goes through, and it's bad enough you will be moody on a good day, sleep will multiply that a hell of a lot.

Big hugs back

May god help us all!

Talk soon

Thanks to all who have offered their kind words and support in this thread. It means a lot. Hard times atm sorry If I haven't replied to everyone.