Would it help my nerves if I scream....

blondiecat

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Let me just say that I do love my daughter and her four children first before I get into this.. Sorry it will be kind of long.

My daughter and the kids moved in here with Ken and I about 2 months ago when Dad was first put into the hospital. She moved in to get out of a bad situation with her ex. Okay I was glad for her to get out and willing to help all that I could.

I found out that she really left the ex, not only for the abuse but also to see another man. Okay I don't have a problem with that either. But the man she is seeing now is married and has 2 children of his own
I do have a major problem with that.

Right now I feel like Ken and I have been used. Used for somone to cover her tracks about the married man, used for built in baby sitters,etc.etc.etc.

I have tried talking to her in a rational manor and she just gets all defensive and smirks in my face about the situatuion with the married man. She came in from work a little while ago and started telling me all about the man's wife confronting her and him on her job today. I can't feel sorry for her about this at all. I see someone I donot know when I look at my daughter now. I told her she needed to leave before I physically hurt her today. I can't and want put up with this in my house! If I am wrong then so be it.
 

valanhb

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Cathi, your daughter is grown up now and has to play by grown up rules. That means you are under no obligation to provider her a home. But it also means that if she CHOOSES to live under your roof, she needs to respect you and your rules. I think it is completely within your rights to ask or even demand that she leave. You don't have to support her decisions and be a doormat to be a good mother.
 

catlover67

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an ungrateful child to you and your husband. My mother would applaud me leaving an abusive situation, but would DEFINITELY NOT support me if I was seeing a married man. That is a big no-no in my folks (and my) eyes. Tell your daughter, "If a married man will cheat on his wife for YOU, what do you think he'll do if YOU are married to him? Does she think he wouldn't possibly cheat on HER?" Sorry, no slam, but I really can't believe how stupid some women can be. The only thing that having an affair with a married man will bring, is GRIEF!!

If I were you, I would lay down the law kick her OUT!! Sorry to sound so harsh, but that it is JMHO
 
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blondiecat

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Originally posted by catlover67
an ungrateful child to you and your husband. My mother would applaud me leaving an abusive situation, but would DEFINITELY NOT support me if I was seeing a married man. That is a big no-no in my folks (and my) eyes. Tell your daughter, "If a married man will cheat on his wife for YOU, what do you think he'll do if YOU are married to him? Does she think he wouldn't possibly cheat on HER?" Sorry, no slam, but I really can't believe how stupid some women can be. The only thing that having an affair with a married man will bring, is GRIEF!!

If I were you, I would lay down the law kick her OUT!! Sorry to sound so harsh, but that it is JMHO
I have told her that he will cheat on her if they get married or just live together. She thinks that he want and will not listen to anything I have said about it. What really made her mad as fire a little while ago was that I told her she reminded me of the woman that broke up my first marriage
I have told this woman thank you a few years ago because I have a wonderful man now
:

My daughter started getting really nasty with me and I told her she needed to leave....plan and simple! She will not talk to me or treat me that way in my own house. I do love her but I can't take anymore of this Cr@p.

The main thing I am worried about are my grandchildren. They are beautiful and the apples of my eye, but I know this is affecting them in a very negative way
 

momofmany

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Let it out Cathi - do some loud primal scream therapy! I can only say that every person that I know who was in a relationship with a married person and eventually married that person got burned when that person cheated on them again. I can think of half a dozen off the top of my head.

I hope your daughter eventually matures enough to listen to you. I'm sorry that your grandbabies gotta go thru this.

(((((((*hugs*)))))))
 

rapunzel47

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Cathi, there's such a thing as tough love -- and it looks like this is the time for it. You are under no obligation to provide a roof or to support your daughter's behaviour when it is not up to your standards, and doing so will not do her any favours, either. Stick to your guns.
 

caprice

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I am so sorry Cathi that you have to put up with this right now with everything you have just been through. Your daughter needs to face her consquences and deal with them. I am so sorry that she used you for the things you said...hopefully she will have a clear mind soon to realize what she puts her self through, her kids and especially you and Ken!
 

mzjazz2u

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Cathi, I'm so sorry you're family is going through this. I don't blame you for being angry and upset about all this. I would be too. And getting tough with our children is always the hardest thing to do. I think you're doing the right thing though, by asking her to leave. I definately wouldn't watch the kids so she could see this guy.

A couple of years ago my son left his wife and children so he could move in with and mess around with some little floozy. The hardest thing for me to do was to tell him exactly how angry I was and to tell him I wasn't going to support his mistakes.

Stand strong my friend. They'll never learn if we keep enabling them. We can love them but we don't have to like the things they do.
 

ttmom

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I agree. If she chooses to live in your house then she chooses to live with your rules. That means no affairs with married men. If she doesn't like that tell her she has to leave. She's an adult. She can cover herself. If you're worried about her kids tell her you will report her to CPS if she doesn't concern herself about them first and worry about her sex life last. She can't be a Mom flat on her back with her legs spread (I know that's gross, but sometimes you have to say it like that).
 

purrfectcatlove

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I think you mad the right decition , telling her to leave your home . She is all grown up now and if she made bad decition , well then she will have to live with that and not you . She also has no right bringing that kind of stuff in to your house and is wrong of her . She needs her own place and there she can do what ever she wants to . So hang in there till she finds herself a home and enjoy your grandchildren when they come to visit .
 

cheeseface

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Blondiecat, I remember when you told us about your daughter and the way she put up with the kind of mental and physical abuse that no rational human being would tolerate for a second, let alone for years from their very own husband and with children around for that matter. It's really heart wrenching to watch someone go back and forth through that, so I'm glad that she finally left.

However, it's very unfortunate that she has adopted another kind of mess by getting involved with a married man. I guess she really hasn't come all the way around yet, as she probably picked someone very similar to her husband. I think you'd be making the right decision by asking her to leave. It appears she doesn't even feel bad about cheating, which surely means she should get out. I think it's right to say that you'll help her in ways that get her back on her feet, but that you won't do anything that helps her ruin another marriage.
 
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blondiecat

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All I have ever wanted for my daughter is for her to be happy. Right now she thinks that being with this man is making her happy. My question to her was "If you are so happy to be with him then why do you come to me and try to get me to so it is okay for what you are doing?"

I may be wrong he may make her the happiest person in this world...I don't know I do not have the answers. All that I do know is while she is thinking about only herself she is not concerned with the other people involved with this or the fact that she has used Ken,me and my home as a way to do all of her sneaky things behind this woman's back. She was not raised that way and I can't condone it


I hope that she will come to her senses. She is now planning to move into a house with him and he is not divorced from his wife yet
That is fine if that is what she wants.

I just want to be able to see my grandkids. That is the only thing that matters to me at this point...those babies. Those angels are so confused and hurt by this whole situation especially the older two. They know to a point what is going on and it has really affected them.

I called my doctor tonight and talked to her. She wants me to come in and see her since I have been having chest pains these last few weeks. She wants to give me something to calm me down some. I hope that it works I really don't know how much more I can take!
 

shell

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Cathi,
Wow...you've got your plate ful Girl! I can relate all too well with your daughter. Actually it's play by play of how I was almost 4 years ago. I too was in a bad relationship with abuse & I couldn't take it anymore. I ended up meet a married man & "fell in love" with him. It didn't matter to me that he was married mainly because he gave me lots of empty promises & love is completely blind. I did it only because I felt alone & being with him made me "happier than I was before" (now I realize that I really wasn't truly happy). It took me just over 3 years to realize that this guy is obviously not going to leave his wife for me & that my "happiness" faded due to HIS side of the situation. My folks & friends tried knocking some sense into me, but the more they pushed the harder I fought to be right. Finally, I woke up one morning & thought "What the hell am I doing?"...I ended it that day.

Like the others have said, she's a big girl & she is the one that needs to find this out the hard way. When she realizes it, she's gonna need your support tremendiously. Don't shove it in her face that you were right, but just be her shoulder to cry on. There is nothing that you can do to help this situation because if she's anything like myself, it drives them further to prove you wrong. Just make it known that you're not happy about this situation & tell her that you will not bail her out of this one. But once she hits the bottom, help pick her up on her feet.

I know that this isn't much of advice for you, but I do hope that it may help you understand what is going through her head. Hang in there Hon! It'll get better, but it'll get worse first so please prepare yourself for that.
((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))
 
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blondiecat

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Originally posted by Shell
{SNIP} I know that this isn't much of advice for you, but I do hope that it may help you understand what is going through her head. Hang in there Hon! It'll get better, but it'll get worse first so please prepare yourself for that.
((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))
Thank you Shell and everyone else for the advice. I would do anything in this world for my daughter she is my one and only child(I can't have anymore) So it was really really hard for me to ask her to leave.

I just realized last weekend that I have to look out for me and my new husband who has been an angel for me. I must do what it takes to keep us happy and this situation is affecting us in a negative way. Not only has my realationship with Ken been affected but my health has as well. I will be no good to Ken, my daughter or my grandkids if I am not around.
 

ttmom

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You know, she may be dating the married man because he's "safe". You can't get her to dump him by being accusatory or jumping her, but you do have the right to kick her out if she is not living according to your rules. Like Shell says, be there for her when she realizes she screwed up, but until then, let her make her own bed outside your house.
 

tuxedokitties

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*hugs*
Sounds like you've done the best thing that you can by telling her to get out. She needs to go & make her own mistakes, & will hopefully very soon realize what a huge mistake she's making. She has no right to involve you in her deceitful behavior.

sending prayers for you & your family.
 

rapunzel47

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Originally posted by TTMom
You know, she may be dating the married man because he's "safe". You can't get her to dump him by being accusatory or jumping her, but you do have the right to kick her out if she is not living according to your rules. Like Shell says, be there for her when she realizes she screwed up, but until then, let her make her own bed outside your house.
The best summation yet. Very well put.
 
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