I am starting to hate all men

someone who cheats doesn't truly love or respect you. let go of your fear, and finally get someone decent!


Man, why is everyone so down on men?!! i'm going to be blunt: "a lot" of men are the way they are because they are shown everyday by society that lousy behaviour is acceptable. "boys will be boys" and "men have needs" this is also true of the growing numbers of women who behave just as poorly as the men that they hate so much. i have one of the "few" good ones...and why is he decent and loyal and honest? because the attitude started at home in teaching him that women are more than objects and that cheating on someone is a cruddy thing to do. if more people would raise their children of both genders to be better people and let them know that although an idea is prevalent in popular culture, it doesn't make it right. and i'm sick of people making excuses for cheating and cheaters. there is no excuse to cheat: EVER.

Willow, the men you date will only walk all over you if you allow them to....so just take some time, do what some others have suggested, and then find a man who will RESPECT you on not treat you like garbage.

Well said! I have been married 30 years,and neither of us has cheated.

I'm so sorry to hear you're having boyfriend troubles!!! (((HUGS))) In situations like this, you just have to go with your gut, there may be no other real way to tell whether he's being honest or not. IMO, if it smells fishy, it probably is. I hope everything works out for the best, though. Let us know how things turn out. And remember, we're all here for you!!

Catlover, my wife and I ended up deciding to get a real bobcat after we became proud owners of 4 beautiful Pixie Bobs. The legend of the Pixie Bob, is that it came to be, after a natural occurring mating between a bobcat and a domestic barn cat. I became more interested in bobcats and after doing a lot of research on them, I found a breeder that raises them.

Here is our, not so little anymore Amber, in one of her favorite places, riding around on our shoulders

Hello again!
I'm sorry to hear of this happening. I have somethings to say....I didnt notice anyone saying this, but have you wondered what his motive could be for cheating??? You're not married(I think I read), but in a marriage (for instance) Adultery is usually a cry for help. It also can actually make a relationship stronger. My Fiancee and I have been together 3 years and during the first year I had problems. I ended up cheating on him. It went so far that I was online with my webcame and talking to guys in chat rooms. With me cheating is something I would never ever do to anyone. When I did it it was because I had felt something was missing and I needed to find it elsewhere. I ended up realizing I had a problem once some sense was knocked into me because of the hurt I could see I had caused Lyle. Oddly he(as always) understood why I did the stupid thing I did and forgave me. He will never forget and warned me that he will never ever be able to take it again that the pain would be too much and I would lose him. I know 100% that what I did was wrong and even though I know it would never happen again, his threat helps make sure of that. I dont even talk to guys much now. Have you tried to just talk to the guy or have someone else talk to him??? Maybe the connection or romance you once had has changed somehow. How long have you been together?
I know I'm probably gonna be flammed for this and I mean NO insult to anyone but: as for everyone telling you you dont need him: you say that he treats you perfect EXCEPT for the cheating...that right there is a reason to not give up just yet. I know this hurts..I've been cheated on too, but you cant just give up on the relationship especially if it's been a long one. What if you 2 were married and this happened? Divorce?? If Lyle had left me then we would've never had the relationship we have now. It's made us so much stronger and more gratefull of each other. First off:You BOTH need to stay calm and actually have a conversation with no yelling or hanging up(preferable in person). Each time you yell and insult that causes the other person to get defensinve and you will get nowhere. Second: you need to find out what possible motives he could have. Tell him what you found really hurt you cause you've been together _____ long and that it was a shock to you. Tell him you want to know why he was looking and that if there is a problem in the relationship you want to try to fix it if he is willing to and if he truly cares about you. If he feels that he would rather be with someone else than work on whatever is motivating him to cheat, that's when you know it's time to move on. Even then though he could leave and realize his stupidity and return. Main thing is YOU have to ask yourself a few questions(not thinking about the cheating): Do I love this man enough I could see myself waking up and falling asleep beside him every day for the rest of my life? Could we have a family together? What about ability as a father(if you're wanting children)? You have to think deep down how much you love him and want him in your life. Once you know what YOU want, you will have to motivation and strength to work on what's happened with you to and most likely fix it or end it. I wish you luck and I will be here if you need someone to talk to or have questions. I know what it was like for Lyle and I...and I can tell you neither of us regretted fixing it.

I have to disagree, GA. She caught him at it once, and this is the second time. How many times is she supposed to look the other way? It gets to the point where she sends the message that being in the relationship is the most important factor, no matter what. That sets him up to treat her however he wants down the road, because she will put up with it.

Originally posted by WillowsMom
that's one of the things I am afraid of. What if I am just over reacting to a Spam mail?? What if after the first started about 8 months after we got together and I talked to him about it that he did stop? and I am just still holding on to that damn hurt and jealousy? and maybe losing the one thing I don't want to lose.

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If you had left him or kicked him to the curb the first time you caught him you would not be second guessing yourself. I say this because I do not give second chances. In my past I had a few boyfriends that cheated and that was it, no answering the phone calls begging for a second chance, no answering letters explaining why they did what they did (all have been burned and it felt really good ) no response when they would send friends to talk to me. No means NO, it does not mean we will see how it goes a second, third,forth time. And because I kicked all those cheaters to the curb the first time, 3 years ago I married the most wonderful guy. All these guys that cheat on you are a test for you, will you pass? It is up to you. The longer you keep the cheater, the longer it will take for you to find the Right MAN for you.
I hope this does not upset anyone, just how I feel
Clara

Originally posted by Deb25
I have to disagree, GA. She caught him at it once, and this is the second time. How many times is she supposed to look the other way? It gets to the point where she sends the message that being in the relationship is the most important factor, no matter what. That sets him up to treat her however he wants down the road, because she will put up with it.

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I know and I agree with that too. My point was that there must be a reason that he's doing it. Her saying he treats her fine in everyother way suggests he wouldntpurposely do it to hurt her. His cheating is almost an addiction to him. A quick fix for whatever the real problem is. What I was saying is they need to talk and if he's not willing to try to fix things and would rather pretend nothings happening then thats when it's definately time to move on. Really it all depends on how long they have been together and how much she loves him.

Sorry, but my thinking is more in line with clarabelle's. I don't care why he did it. One of my conditions for a relationship is being able to trust that it is mutually exclusive. Period. Frankly, it sounds to me like he is a "grass may be greener" guy. He's happy with what he has, but what if he's missing out on something better?

Originally posted by Deb25
Sorry, but my thinking is more in line with clarabelle's. I don't care why he did it. One of my conditions for a relationship is being able to trust that it is mutually exclusive. Period. Frankly, it sounds to me like he is a "grass may be greener" guy. He's happy with what he has, but what if he's missing out on something better?

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Lyle and I are the same way....but people in relationships are always different. People also make mistakes. I did and lyle didnt give up on me and we've never regretted it.
Mainly I was trying to make sure she had thought of it from every point of view..yes even his. He may not deserve it, but she may also come to regret not trying to fix it. Who knows he may really be doing this to hurt her or because its fun. He could also be having some problems and there could be something missing in the relationship. Although he's being a major @$$ for doing this more than once, I just dont want her to regret her decision. That's y I wanted her to talk to him and see what his motives were. How he responds and how she feels about him will determine what will happen.

Gothic, I know where you're coming from. I was that way with my ex. I had convinced myself I needed to give the relationship every chance I could. That nearly got me killed. The hard part is telling if he's just a little bit of jerk who, with a little help, can be a good man or if he's just an a$$. I'm not very good at figuring that out myself.

Originally posted by TTMom
Gothic, I know where you're coming from. I was that way with my ex. I had convinced myself I needed to give the relationship every chance I could. That nearly got me killed. The hard part is telling if he's just a little bit of jerk who, with a little help, can be a good man or if he's just an a$$. I'm not very good at figuring that out myself.

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It is hard, but there are some warning signs to look for. With me my first thing to look for is how does he treat animals, other people, and children. If he is in anyway a @$$ to them or cruel then you know he's bad news. Also you have to look at his temper.

Perhaps there is a fundamental difference in the way we look at things since you are 19 or 20 and I am in my mid-40s, but I don't find running around as a reason to delve into what may be wrong in a relationship. That's why we open up our mouths and communicate with each other.

naw...i fully agree with you Deb and i'm a "mere" 21. i don't think this is a generational thing. as i said earlier, there is NO excuse to cheat, and if you do, you don't truly love the person you're with or else you wouldn't disrespect them that way or cause them that pain. If they can't communicate to begin with, then the relationship is already doomed.

Phew. I thought for a second that I was old.....

If this was the first time, and she really felt the relationship was worth it, then yes - talk to him about the underlying reasons. More than once? The underlying reason is because he can and he isn't going to change.

When we were dating, Earl cheated on me. The day I found out I had his things packed up and waiting at the door. After a while we started talking again, and later still dating again (something we hadn't really done at the beginning of our relationship - he moved in with me a week after we met!). We did figure out the underlying reasons and worked together to make the changes within both of us to make it work. And there were a lot of underlying reasons, but no matter what was going on it doesn't excuse what he did. He knows that now. And he also knows that if he EVER does it again, no matter if it's 20 years from now, he's out and it's over permanently.

Once may be a "mistake" or dealing in an unhealthy manner with problems in the relationship. And it may not be, too. But twice or more? That's on purpose and is a total lack of respect for the person and the relationship. No amount of gifts or good treatment makes up for a lack of respect, IMO.

I don't think you can necessarily go by their total behavior. You need to base your decision on their behavior towards you. The first cat I had when I was with this guy adored him and he adored her. He also loved his kids and everyone kept telling me how he'd never hurt a woman and he treated his Mama extra special.

Turned out all he ever did was mistreat me, but he was charming and he lured me in with gifts and treating me like gold and then whamo! My parents could see it coming, but a lot of people did not.

Oh, and BTW, right now I'm madder than I've ever been at hubby, but he's still a good guy down deep. He'd never hurt me, cheat on me, or kick me out, but he can be incredibly annoying when he chooses to be so. And right now he is SO choosing to be so.

I don't know....I think cheating is a lot like murder.....sometimes things happen in the heat of the moment. But to go to an online matchmaking site.....well, it's like going home and drawing up the murder plan. He was looking and had hooked up with more than one woman via the service. Guilty as charged!

Originally posted by Deb25
Perhaps there is a fundamental difference in the way we look at things since you are 19 or 20 and I am in my mid-40s, but I don't find running around as a reason to delve into what may be wrong in a relationship. That's why we open up our mouths and communicate with each other.

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Yes there may be a gap, but we both have one thing in common...we have experianced love. It is different for some people and we all have different opinions about all the relationship issues. That was the whole problem...he should've talked to her before starting to cheat.