- Joined
- Jan 19, 2014
- Messages
- 41
- Purraise
- 2
I put my baby down on Wednesday night. It was a hard time leading up to it, and since it happened I have been a wreck, which is expected. I can hardly eat and feel sick to my stomach. My mind is racing with thoughts.
I feel absolute guilt. Keep thinking, "If I hadn't made this decision she would still be here with me." Although not a healthy kitty, but here with me. I feel I played God. I never really believed in euthanization and always believed to let the animal die naturally unless it was really suffering. My baby went downhill considerably in about 3 weeks time, but still used her litter box, ate and drank (though that went in cycles), played sometimes and most importantly cuddled and purred with me all night, every night. Obviously there were signs there to make me make the call to put her down, but I just keep wondering if I was right.
Another reason I feel guilt is people told me, when they are ready to go, they will just walk into their crates. Well my baby didn't. She fought me and I had to push her head and body in, all while she was yowling. I know this sounds terrible but it was always how she acted going into her crate. I just wish it had been different this time like everyone "assured" me it would. Again, makes me doubt she was really ready?
She yowled all the way to the vets (normal for her) but it pained me. I keep thinking I should have carried her in a blanket or something. Once at the vets they were swift and took her away from us for a few minutes to put the catheter in. We could hear her yowling. It broke my heart, she must have been distressed. And that is exactly what I didn't want.
We got as much time as we wanted with her afterwards and talked to her, stroked her, kissed her. All the while crying. But we couldn't help it, though I knew she could pick up on it. She was a little on edge but my sister told me that just looking at her eyes, she knew we made the right decision. She mainly just sat there with her once wide crazy big eyes, now tired little slits caked with sleep and tears (that was the norm the weeks building up to this). She sat there soaking up our loving. She eventually curled up in a ball, her tail covering her nose, and closed her eyes. That is NOT like her at the vets. And thats when we called the vet in. I wonder why she did that.
While he was administering the drug, she did let out a meow and her eyes widened as she did it, then she calmed back down and went to bed. I truly hope that meow didn't mean she felt any pain. I wonder what it meant. Although, the whole process was peaceful and quick, and I thank God for that. Some people say they can feel their pets soul leave the body, I was standing over her and felt nothing. I wish I had felt something and I hope she passed to the light.
I just can't stop second guessing and doubting everything. I imagine this is a normal response to euthanizing a pet, but still. My heart is so broken.
On a bright note, I had the option to bring her out to my mans place in the country to burry her. We drove out there afterwards and chose a spot directly under a purple Lilac tree. We kept her wrapped in her little paw print blanket and put her in her favorite leopard print cat bed. Placed her in a box, and I placed all of her favorite toys in there with her. As well as her brush, because she LOVED to be brushed. I gave her many teary kisses and said my final good byes, and we burried her. We plan to decorate the area/tree with solar lights and I want to get a cat angel statue to place at the head of her grave. It is going to be beautiful.
Her remaining litter and toys are going to my other cat who lives with my parents, her cat tree is going to my mans cat, and her food I will donate to the Humane Society so as not to waste anything. Although I still can't bring myself to get rid of her litter boxes. Her little paw prints are in one of them from the last time she used them.
I wonder, do our fur babies go to Heaven? Is there an afterlife for them? Can they visit us if there is? Will they greet us when we pass? I can only hope for her to visit me in my dreams and let me know she is ok. Or for a family member to visit me in a dream and tell me she is ok. Until then I will be wondering.
I feel absolute guilt. Keep thinking, "If I hadn't made this decision she would still be here with me." Although not a healthy kitty, but here with me. I feel I played God. I never really believed in euthanization and always believed to let the animal die naturally unless it was really suffering. My baby went downhill considerably in about 3 weeks time, but still used her litter box, ate and drank (though that went in cycles), played sometimes and most importantly cuddled and purred with me all night, every night. Obviously there were signs there to make me make the call to put her down, but I just keep wondering if I was right.
Another reason I feel guilt is people told me, when they are ready to go, they will just walk into their crates. Well my baby didn't. She fought me and I had to push her head and body in, all while she was yowling. I know this sounds terrible but it was always how she acted going into her crate. I just wish it had been different this time like everyone "assured" me it would. Again, makes me doubt she was really ready?
She yowled all the way to the vets (normal for her) but it pained me. I keep thinking I should have carried her in a blanket or something. Once at the vets they were swift and took her away from us for a few minutes to put the catheter in. We could hear her yowling. It broke my heart, she must have been distressed. And that is exactly what I didn't want.
We got as much time as we wanted with her afterwards and talked to her, stroked her, kissed her. All the while crying. But we couldn't help it, though I knew she could pick up on it. She was a little on edge but my sister told me that just looking at her eyes, she knew we made the right decision. She mainly just sat there with her once wide crazy big eyes, now tired little slits caked with sleep and tears (that was the norm the weeks building up to this). She sat there soaking up our loving. She eventually curled up in a ball, her tail covering her nose, and closed her eyes. That is NOT like her at the vets. And thats when we called the vet in. I wonder why she did that.
While he was administering the drug, she did let out a meow and her eyes widened as she did it, then she calmed back down and went to bed. I truly hope that meow didn't mean she felt any pain. I wonder what it meant. Although, the whole process was peaceful and quick, and I thank God for that. Some people say they can feel their pets soul leave the body, I was standing over her and felt nothing. I wish I had felt something and I hope she passed to the light.
I just can't stop second guessing and doubting everything. I imagine this is a normal response to euthanizing a pet, but still. My heart is so broken.
On a bright note, I had the option to bring her out to my mans place in the country to burry her. We drove out there afterwards and chose a spot directly under a purple Lilac tree. We kept her wrapped in her little paw print blanket and put her in her favorite leopard print cat bed. Placed her in a box, and I placed all of her favorite toys in there with her. As well as her brush, because she LOVED to be brushed. I gave her many teary kisses and said my final good byes, and we burried her. We plan to decorate the area/tree with solar lights and I want to get a cat angel statue to place at the head of her grave. It is going to be beautiful.
Her remaining litter and toys are going to my other cat who lives with my parents, her cat tree is going to my mans cat, and her food I will donate to the Humane Society so as not to waste anything. Although I still can't bring myself to get rid of her litter boxes. Her little paw prints are in one of them from the last time she used them.
I wonder, do our fur babies go to Heaven? Is there an afterlife for them? Can they visit us if there is? Will they greet us when we pass? I can only hope for her to visit me in my dreams and let me know she is ok. Or for a family member to visit me in a dream and tell me she is ok. Until then I will be wondering.
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