Need opinions on "respecting the last wishes"

Hi everyone,

I am back again with another weird situation.  Asking questions here always gives me such a variety of answers, from people from all backgrounds and I really treasure the responses.

As you may remember, my father passed on March 20, and my mother has been in a nursing home.  I had to handle all of the final arrangements.  As it was, my father had prepared a handwritten copy of his requests for how his body was to be handled following his death.  He'd done the paper in 1994 and it was on file at the funeral home that handled his body.

He was VERY clear:  No obituary, no embalming, no service, no marker.  He wanted his body cremated and scattered on the ranch he purchased and lived on since the 1960's.  It was clear--crystal clear--and I'd even heard him talk about it, and know the place he wanted to be scattered.  I had the body cremated.

My mom, from the beginning, has refused to honor the rest of his wishes.  They had a horrible marriage and this is her chance to "stick it to him."  She has now decided she wants to have a religious service, burial of remains and a gravestone placed in a beautiful old country cemetery.  When I asked if that's where she wants to be placed as well, she shook her head emphatically "No!" 

I've only discussed this with my dh and best friend, who is an attorney.  We all agree that my father's wishes should be carried out--that it's the "right thing to do."  My father was abusive to me, and yet I feel it's very important to do as he asked.  I feel so strongly that I am considering not attending the "service" my mom wants me to plan.  My mom had gone against my brother's wishes and had a religious service when he passed in 2004 and I still feel revolted when I think about it.  In that case, however, I had possession of the remains and scattered them in the Rocky Mountains, in a place that was very meaningful to my brother. 

What do you all think?  Any and all opinions are welcomed.  Thanks for your input.

C

Wow, I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this.

We've never had a disagreement like this in our family, though I've only been alive for one family death. Why does she want to waste all this time and money to "stick it to" your father, who wanted to go quietly and peacefully? I certainly don't want to say anything offensive or in ill will with regards to your mother, but you would think someone with resentment or residual bitterness would want to get it all done and over with; fanfare would be the last thing I imagine someone would want. If he's gone, let him be. It's almost like she wants to have a grave to dance on.

Did your father's will include your mother at all? I could see it getting hazy if she was included as a beneficiary or something, but if she's not, let the man rest by his own wishes. I have no idea how tenuous your relationship was with your father, but I really agree that his wishes should be respected. I wonder how she would feel if she specifically asked for a religious service and a burial and posed the "what if" to her, like "what if we just got you cremated instead". Most people have a specific idea of what they want when they pass - even just thinking about this situation is nearly infuriating that there can be such disrespect that someone can't just get over your father being gone, and that's that. Prolonging this just to "stick it to him" seems so petty.

Who has possession of his cremains? If he filed his wishes with the funeral home and you made the arrangements for the cremation, shouldn't they be turned over to you? If it were me, I'd respect his wishes and not arrange the service, etc., for your mother, most especially since she doesn't want to be buried with him.

Thank you, Pinkdagger.

Yes, there was a will and Mom is the full beneficiary.  I am now Mom's power of attorney, as she is in the early stages of dementia. 

Petty is right.  To make it worse, I think the reason she wants to do this is that she feels she's "earned" the right to have people gathered around her mourning FOR her--not WITH her.  While my father was always overtly abusive and obnoxious, she has spent a lifetime being passive-aggressive. 

I'm thinking maybe if I take the document my father wrote and she actually sees it, she may be persuaded, but I doubt it.  I don't want it to "get ugly" but I also want to do the right thing.

Thanks again,

C

I was given the cremains.

I would not do what your dad wanted. Do what you want, especially if your mom is not help plan it or carry it our and is doing it out of spite.

Luckily we had no issues with my Gram. Only part of her passing the family agreed on. Her death (and possesions) ripped the family apart forever.

My sister was too distraut when my mom died. My sister and I talked about what we wanted so when she passes, it was up to me.

CatMom2Wires said:

 
Thank you, Pinkdagger.

Yes, there was a will and Mom is the full beneficiary.  I am now Mom's power of attorney, as she is in the early stages of dementia. 

Petty is right.  To make it worse, I think the reason she wants to do this is that she feels she's "earned" the right to have people gathered around her mourning FOR her--not WITH her.  While my father was always overtly abusive and obnoxious, she has spent a lifetime being passive-aggressive. 

I'm thinking maybe if I take the document my father wrote and she actually sees it, she may be persuaded, but I doubt it.  I don't want it to "get ugly" but I also want to do the right thing.

Thanks again,

C

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Threaten to read the document at the service and pass copies of the document to all attending the funeral, a la Cruel Intentions style. 

OK, that wasn't really a suggestion, but maybe she can reasoned with by "putting the shoe on the other foot" and ask her why she's wanting this service yet doesn't want to be buried next to him.  Confront her about it, in a nice way.  Her answers may tell you how to proceed.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. It sounds like you are dealing with plenty already, between your father passing and your mother's illness.
If it were me, I would follow your father's wishes. He was so specific. I am certainly no lawyer, but since they were filed with the funeral home and in his will, don't his wishes trump everything else, legally? Or at least, that is what you could tell your mother to put her off her plans. Showing her the letter (or better yet, a photocopy of the letter) may help to convince her. As a last resort, as your mother's power of attorney, can you deny her the money to pay for all of this? Funerals are pricey and she may need that money for her future care.

I think a casual spreading of his ashes, with no pomp and circumstance, may be better for you, too. You won't have to listen to well wishers tell you what a wonderful man he was or any of that. Just once, I would like to hear someone at a funeral be truthful and say, 'hey, he was an abusive jerk and I glad we no longer have to deal with it!' Letting the ashes go can help you let go of any fear, resentment, or other negative feelings associated with your father. It seems much more final and conclusive than a burial. Maybe your mother can be made to understand that you need to do it his way for your own well being.

I cannot see this potential service being any less disturbing for you than your brother's was. If your mom does go through with it, I think it is perfectly fine for you to not attend. If anyone asks, extended family members and such, just tell them you felt the service was inappropriate, as it was exactly the opposite of what your father wanted. And that is it, they do not need to know more and you have no obligation to tell them anything.

I wish you peace in making your decision and in whatever follows. You sound like a strong woman who is capable of handling this and anything else that comes your way!

Thank you, everyone, for your input.  I really appreciate it.

Since I last posted, I discussed all of this with my dh, best friend, and my mom's pastor.  The pastor was not aware of any of this, and agreed that fulfilling my father's wishes is the right thing to do.  He offered to speak with her, but also said we could have the funeral director speak with her as well if needed.

I think I figured out what prompted her sudden plans.  She had a visit from a social worker at the assisted living facility on Wednesday.  I think she encouraged her to "have a funeral for closure."  Of course she really has NO idea about the dynamics and the written plans, so I'm going to have a few words with her today, too.  Nothing like a complete stranger coming in stirring the pot, right?  Especially with the widow being in assisted living, with an acute fracture in her back and dementia.  Oh yeah, a big funeral will make everything all better!  ARGH.

I looked at the written plans again last night, and my father wrote "ashes to be spread on land below the house by family, not funeral home staff."  The last 6 words were underlined 4 times.  "NO FORMAL FUNERAL service, NO newspaper publicity" were also written as I have typed here.  This was all done in 2003.  If Mom still chooses to defy these requests I will have a really hard time dealing with her emotionally (it's already tough!).  Unfortunately, I am her sole family--everyone else is gone.

I agree that scattering cremains are more meaningful than a burial.  My dh took photos as I released my brother in the mountains and I love to look at them on occasion, as it was all so perfect.  Hope Mom will come around easily on this.

Thanks again!

C

I meant don't do what your mom wants. Do what you want!

rachelinaz said:

I would not do what your dad wanted. Do what you want, especially if your mom is not help plan it or carry it our and is doing it out of spite.

Luckily we had no issues with my Gram. Only part of her passing the family agreed on. Her death (and possesions) ripped the family apart forever.

My sister was too distraut when my mom died. My sister and I talked about what we wanted so when she passes, it was up to me.

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I hope your mom comes around, too. 

I agree it's important to honor a person's last wishes, especially if the reason not to honor them is mean or in some way vengeful. That said, sometimes the living have to do what they need to do to deal with the grief. If changing the last wishes helps loved ones out, I can't imagine a deceased person would really care all that much. You are in a tough place, with tremendous burdens, but you sure are doing a great job and taking care of everything! I know how difficult that is, too. 

I'm sorry about your brother.   

We can't control how or when we die. But we can control what happens to us after we die, by putting in place wills and directives.

Your Dad might not have been the best Dad, in fact he sounds like he really sucked at it; kind of like my Mom.  But he was still your Dad, and despite it all, you love him.

Honor his wishes.  You said your Mom has dementia, so that is likely what is driving her.

Scatter the remains.  And arrange for a Wake celebration (maybe a BBQ) at a later date to celebrate his life.

The man is dead, and now is not the time to be mean and spiteful about it.  Your Mom should know better!!

Ok. First a good talking to this woman who stuck her oar in. Advise her in future to discuss with the family first. Second it's as your dad stipulated . not as your Mum wants. Tell her after the deed has been done. In this case it's not her decision.

Today when I went to see Mom I found her in a "good place" emotionally and I simply gave her a copy of the paper my father had written, saying the funeral director had given it to me (he had.)  I waited while she read it and when she finished, she looked up and said, "I guess we could do this."

WHEW!!!!

We are planning to do the scattering on Saturday.  Mom's interpretation of where he intended to be released is different from mine, so we'll just have to work that out.  Her version is virtually unreachable for her as we don't have a pickup and the terrain isn't able to be traveled by car and she's unable to walk it.  So, she'll either have to stay closer if she wants to pour the cremains or watch from a distance if I do it.

In any case, it seems resolved.  I suggested that she have a little reception at the church when she's feeling better (she has a vertebral fracture) to than friends for the support through the years.  We could put out photos, etc.  She liked that idea.

Thanks for your input.  I knew I could count on you!

C

Glad to hear she's come around to his wishes and that you could have a compromise for her too!