Where is my mother? (warning possible triggers)

SwampWitch said:

 
Thanks, Peaches. Your comments never hurt or offend me. 

Ugh we have explored the legal aspects of all of this over and over with our attorneys. The main problem is every lawsuit has a high cost, not just money although it's incredibly expensive, but my sister and I have to leave our lives and families to travel and stay there. The worst part is, it will not deter our brother and his son - they won't got to jail for it and they will continue the lies anyway.

I keep hoping he gets put in jail for DUI, which he does all the time.

We have no doubt there will be a lawsuit in the end - initiated by our brother - but hopefully it will be over quickly and that will be the last of it. We have been preparing for his lawsuit for almost 5 years. My brother is always angry and nothing is ever right so we his family all know that he will lash out in the end. He has holes in his brain from decades of drug abuse and he doesn't think rationally or clearly. It's made worse since he's mean and greedy.

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SwampWitch said:

 
 A major problem is our parents made all 4 children medical POAs (don't EVER do this it is a nightmare!). It's kind of complicated why they did this.* There are 3 children left, so it's always my sister and I against our brother. (Did I mention he is a heavy drinker, and was a cocaine addict for 15 years - might still be, who knows, certainly his brain does not work well.)

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Natalie_ca said:

 

SwampWitch said:

 
 A major problem is our parents made all 4 children medical POAs (don't EVER do this it is a nightmare!). It's kind of complicated why they did this.* There are 3 children left, so it's always my sister and I against our brother. (Did I mention he is a heavy drinker, and was a cocaine addict for 15 years - might still be, who knows, certainly his brain does not work well.)

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Check with a lawyer!  Just because all 4 were made POA's doesn't mean that everyone has to sign off on something. It just means that each one has power of attorney

You know that saying "too many cooks....", well that is the case here.

I'm sorry for what you are going through.

If it were my Mom, I would simply have her moved to hospice and then tell my Brother.

Also, perhaps you can get Social Work involved.  And maybe the doctor if he feels that she needs Hospice, can sign off on that being the only option for her at this stage of her life.

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Winchester said:

 
I can't find anything to say to you that would make you feel better. I'm just so sorry you're dealing with all of it. I know it happens more often than people realize. And it's difficult. I'm sorry.

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SwampWitch said:

 
Thanks for the kind words! 

It's really complicated because every hospital and care facility has its own rules and legal team. Who exactly has the power when there are multiple POAs is not a law so is open to interpretation.

It doesn't matter if the care facility wants the majority of POAs in agreement (my sister and I), or will go by the first POA listed (my sister), our brother ALWAYS goes there and demands that they do it his way. He is a big guy (being a male carries a lot of weight in Texas) and he lives where my mother is so he goes there and bullies the caretakers and doctors in person.

Eventually we start hearing "we don't want to get involved in your family drama" and the facility has to err on the side of life. Everyone is paranoid he's going to steal her away again. They are scared he's going to sue them, too, if they don't do what he wants. The nurses and doctors abhor my brother and what he is doing, this always happens after they get to know him, so he very likely will steal her away again to a new place, sign her in, start fresh, and indicate he is sole POA.

My mother has been on hospice care twice now, the first time he kidnapped her and the second time he canceled it. (Any POA has the power to do that.) The only way to get her on hospice care is to fly her up here. My brother does not have the funds to fly her back.

It's funny but doctors keep signing DNRs and putting them in her chart. My sister has one in there for her, too. But DNRs can be cancelled by any POA. When my mother codes, if our brother gets there in time, he will request full life-saving measures, and they have to comply. It takes me or my sister a day of travel to get there in person... you see what we are facing here. 

 

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Winchester said:

I can't find anything to say to you that would make you feel better. I'm just so sorry you're dealing with all of it. I know it happens more often than people realize. And it's difficult. I'm sorry.

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SwampWitch said:

I was resting on the sofa, playing my 3DS, and a scenario suddenly popped into my head. I saw my mother, when she was a young adult. It was nighttime and she was in the pouring rain walking down an old narrow stone street, like the kind you see in Europe. It was very dark, and there were thick wooden doors on each side of the narrow street, and she kept trying them, looking for one that wasn't locked. Sometimes, she looked up searching for a window with light indicating someone was home, or a business that might be open. 

She wasn't crying or upset, she was determined more than anything, to find an open door / window with light. The pouring rain bothered her, though, and I could feel that she really wanted to get inside so the rain would stop beating down on her head and shoulders.

That was it, then all of a sudden I was back at my game, but with the really vivid scene of my mother still in my head.

Last Update:

 
My sister and I finally won the battle, assisted greatly by the hospital's ethics committee, and my mother was unplugged from everything. She was put on oxygen and pain killers only, and passed away three days later. I hope she is at peace now.

Thanks everyone who took the time to read this and send good thoughts.

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