((I'm sorry if my story hurts anyone//brings up sad memories, but I want to/have to type this out because it helps me in a way to validate all of this, because I keep on being told to get over it and get another cat by "well-meaning", but insensitive family and co-workers))
It hurts me so much, even now to type this, but earlier this month, I had to put my best friend, my heart cat - Nena, to sleep. She was only seven and she got so sick and I didn't even notice it until it was too late to help her. And all I keep on thinking about was how badly I messed up, how if I could've and should've handled certain situations that she might still be here with me right now.
I loved her, loved her so much; tried to do my best for her in every possible way, frequently came onto several different forums trying to find the best foods and supplements. But one day she stopped eating, and despite my best efforts to keep her fed even while working three jobs, it wasn't enough to save her. All I know is that something bad happened to her liver, an infection from hepatic lipidosis, or high grade lymphoma or something. The vet my cousin recommended taking her to was awful, and I wish I could erase from my memory. What kind of vet crushes a cats foot so hard their knuckles turn white while drawing blood into a vial?? They abandoned her in a cage overnight and told me she was doing fine in the morning but when I picked her up, she was in an awful condition.
She managed to make it through the night, but by early morning the next day, she fell over on my bed, and by then I knew that it was time to let her go. Even then, I begged for her to hold on a little longer, just so my family could all say goodbye. She was so cold and her breathing so shallow, that my brother, friend and I draped her in several ironed towels and a quilt. There was a point where I thought that she had passed on her own and I decided to start blinking at her to see if she was conscious. She was, and we blinked slowly at each other, sharing cat kisses for several minutes back and forth. I decided to rub her paws then, because she used to pry them open; but at that time with more strength than I thought she ever could've had, she held onto my finger instead.
My family brought her to another vet's clinic in the area to put her to sleep while I was at work. The clinic was in walking distance from my job, so I ran there as fast as I could so I could be with her one last time. She had already been laid out onto another blanket, and my family was waiting for the vet to arrive to administer the anesthesia. When the vet walked in a few minutes later, she had already told us that she had passed away on her own, but decided to administer the medication anyway. I think that she passed away the moment I came tumbling through the room door. I opted to have her cremated and last week I brought her back home from the vet's office.
While I'm glad that she isn't suffering anymore, the guilt and shock have left me numb. It's only now that she's gone that I noticed how utterly amazing she was. Anytime I was depressed, or having a panic or anxiety attack, she was always there, and helped me calm down. And she's done this not only for me, but for my mother and brother as well. The past few weeks have really hard. I keep on looking for her in her favorite spots and keep on seeing her in the corner of my eyes. I rarely dream anymore, and the only dreams I recall are nightmares. I can't imagine how my mom and brother are feeling.
I miss her and I love her, I'm so happy that I had a chance to spend the last seven years with her. She was the grandest sweetest soul I have ever met.
It hurts me so much, even now to type this, but earlier this month, I had to put my best friend, my heart cat - Nena, to sleep. She was only seven and she got so sick and I didn't even notice it until it was too late to help her. And all I keep on thinking about was how badly I messed up, how if I could've and should've handled certain situations that she might still be here with me right now.
I loved her, loved her so much; tried to do my best for her in every possible way, frequently came onto several different forums trying to find the best foods and supplements. But one day she stopped eating, and despite my best efforts to keep her fed even while working three jobs, it wasn't enough to save her. All I know is that something bad happened to her liver, an infection from hepatic lipidosis, or high grade lymphoma or something. The vet my cousin recommended taking her to was awful, and I wish I could erase from my memory. What kind of vet crushes a cats foot so hard their knuckles turn white while drawing blood into a vial?? They abandoned her in a cage overnight and told me she was doing fine in the morning but when I picked her up, she was in an awful condition.
She managed to make it through the night, but by early morning the next day, she fell over on my bed, and by then I knew that it was time to let her go. Even then, I begged for her to hold on a little longer, just so my family could all say goodbye. She was so cold and her breathing so shallow, that my brother, friend and I draped her in several ironed towels and a quilt. There was a point where I thought that she had passed on her own and I decided to start blinking at her to see if she was conscious. She was, and we blinked slowly at each other, sharing cat kisses for several minutes back and forth. I decided to rub her paws then, because she used to pry them open; but at that time with more strength than I thought she ever could've had, she held onto my finger instead.
My family brought her to another vet's clinic in the area to put her to sleep while I was at work. The clinic was in walking distance from my job, so I ran there as fast as I could so I could be with her one last time. She had already been laid out onto another blanket, and my family was waiting for the vet to arrive to administer the anesthesia. When the vet walked in a few minutes later, she had already told us that she had passed away on her own, but decided to administer the medication anyway. I think that she passed away the moment I came tumbling through the room door. I opted to have her cremated and last week I brought her back home from the vet's office.
While I'm glad that she isn't suffering anymore, the guilt and shock have left me numb. It's only now that she's gone that I noticed how utterly amazing she was. Anytime I was depressed, or having a panic or anxiety attack, she was always there, and helped me calm down. And she's done this not only for me, but for my mother and brother as well. The past few weeks have really hard. I keep on looking for her in her favorite spots and keep on seeing her in the corner of my eyes. I rarely dream anymore, and the only dreams I recall are nightmares. I can't imagine how my mom and brother are feeling.
I miss her and I love her, I'm so happy that I had a chance to spend the last seven years with her. She was the grandest sweetest soul I have ever met.
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RIP, sweetie.
