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do your parents irritate you?

post #1 of 24
Thread Starter 
Ok, I know this seems like a strange question! My parents don't really irritate me, but I don't understand them! I have been married for almost 4 years now. They rarely call me to see how I am doing or what I am up to! But, I call them maybe 1-2 times a week. Why do you think they do this? The day before Father's Day, my mom said I should call my dad to tell him Happy Father's Day because he was in a "down" mood. She said that he felt like my brother doesn't care about him and that he never sees his daughter (being me, of course!). SO, I finally got fed up and said he never calls me.... I told her how I felt: it makes me sad when they don't call or see how I am and that it makes me cry. (My hubby's parents always call to see how we are doing!). My mom put me on a nice guilt trip by saying "Well, it makes us cry, too, when you never come over or call!" So, I finally hung up after there was no point in telling her how I felt! The fact that she had the nerve to say I never call is a bunch of bull$^*%! Ya, I know they are my parents, but that still doesn't give them the right to say that. I don't go over a lot of times because they live practically an hour away from me and plus I work nights 3-4 times a week! And, whenever they do come over, which is once in a blue moon, it has to be when they are over on our side of town. Do you know how many times I have gone over to their house in the past to see them, and not because it was because I was over there, either!!! So, why do you think they are doing this? I can't tell them how I feel because it will change for a week and then it will go back to normal; either that, or they will say I am overreacting, which is typical of them. I know they wanted me to most likely have waited til I was in my mid 20's to get married, but I didn't. Is that why? Oh, and they never ever ask how my husband is.... well, my dad does, sometimes.
:confused2: :confused2: :confused2: :confused2:
Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, but this drives me up the wall to the point I wish I could live out-of-state! Anyways, sorry for such the long post.... I need to vent about this every once in a while!
post #2 of 24
Hey TIgger! I know how you feel hun. Although I don't argue with my parents (and I can't get mad with them cos I miss them so much!) I do get upset when they don't call, or they can't come visit us "cos the cars a bit dodgy", most of the time I understand, but I live 2 an 1/2 hours away and Id like to see them more often!! We go to see them as much as we can but often we can't afford it, so I don't go as much as I'd like.....snif.....

I don't really have any good advice for you - sorry!!! I just wanted to sulk along with you!! Hope you don't mind!!

post #3 of 24
Thread Starter 
Nope, don't mind if you sulk along!!
post #4 of 24
My mother died when I was 18. My dad and I talk 4 or 5 times a week, and I'm ALWAYS the one who calls. if my dad hasn't heard from me in a week, he'll call me to find out if I'm mad at him or to make sure I'm okay. I live in Maryland & all my family is in Indiana.

It used to bother me that I was the one to call him, but it doesn't anymore. I know that he loves me, and it doesn't matter who calls who. I know that he likes talking to me, and it makes him feel good that I call him. that's fine with me.

I fly home & see everyone anywhere from 2 to 6 times a year. If I'm lucky my dad gets out here twice a year. My stepmom doesn't like to fly so they have to drive, which severly limits when they can come. It's a 14 hour drive, so you can't drive out for just a weekend and I when I go home I always fly for the weekend. That could piss me off if I thought about it too long or hard, but you know I'm just glad that I'm able to see him when I can.

I have a different take on things just because my mom is gone. I would give ANYTHING to be able to talk to her, but I can't. So I'm not going to get upset about whether my dad calls me or I call him. The important thing is he is still here & I CAN talk to him.

Life is really short & we never know how much longer we have. sometimes it's just easier to make that extra-effort for the sake of peace & harmony. I know I'm happier not stressing about why my dad doesn't call me as much, or rarely comes & visits.

Please don't think I'm trivilizing your situation, or suggesting that you do things differently. I'm just responding to your post with my situation & how I deal with it. I understand your frustration & it sucks to feel that way.

it's just my take on things because of what I've been through.
post #5 of 24
Its nice to have a different view on this AP, thanks for telling us, I think I would feel the same if I were in your situation.

(But for the meantime, Im still gonna sulk!! hee hee :laughing: )

post #6 of 24

don't let me stop you! sulk away

post #7 of 24
Well, for me, the answer to that question is a resounding YES...

I have two older sisters, both married when in their early 20's, both have one child. I married later in life (nearly 30), and have my husband's son from his first marriage. I was unable to have children of my own and Matt was not but 3 when I married his father. He has very little, if any contact at all with his mother or her side of his family. My husband's mother is deceased and his father isn't a part of our lives. My Mom does not consider my step-son, the ONLY child I will EVER have, to be her grandchild. Both of my sister's children certainly are, but mine is not. Mom and Dad send my sisters' kids birthday cards each year, but not my kid. My sisters' kids get a big box at the holidays with all sorts of stuff, from money to clothes, but they don't send one to my kid. They gave each of my sister's children a sum of money when they graduated high school and started college. There is no such money set aside for my boy. Mom and Dad sent my niece and nephew to Disney for their 10th birthdays ... not my kid. When I call Mom (every day) she is always full of cute stories or other events about my sisters' kids - and yet when I tell her of something my boy did, she shrugs it off, or worse yet, she "tops it" with something one of the other kids did. When my boy made perfect attendance in school (something that due to his asthma, he had never achieved before and it was a personal goal of his) I mentioned it to Mom - her response was "Hmmm, well your niece was invited to join an honor's society"...and totally blew off my kid's accomplishment as unimportant and small as compared to my niece's accomplishment. It really hurts.

I've tried to talk to Mom, and I told her that I don't understand her feelings. Her response was to tell me like it is - "He isn't my grandchild." *sob wail* OK, Mom. Whatever.

post #8 of 24
Gees, gayef, that seems just a tad harsh on your mums part!!! Just because your son is not a blood relation to her doesn't give her the right to treat you or him in that way!! You are still his "mother" whether you gave birth to him or not - you've looked after him and brought him up all these years! (Im not saying his real mother should be non-exisitant in his life or anything, but for the time being, you are his "mum")

If I were you I would have to keep talking to my mum to get it sorted out, or if not I would not speak about the subject at all with her - it only makes you feel bad. If she won't celebrate her grandsons achievements then you'll have to do it by yourself!! Make him feel wonderful for what he does!!! All children are different - there is absolutely no need to compare them!!
post #9 of 24
Really, I was just pouting along with you guys, didn't mean to make it about me...misery loves company and all that. *smile*

post #10 of 24

I wish my parents were still around to irritate me. My mom died 28 years ago at the age of 44. My dad passed away 4 years ago this August. My one wish is to have one hour with both of them again. They could irritate me all they want.

I used to get irritated at my father because he would reminisce about his days with my mom, his stint in the navy (Nanita Rodriguez, 301 Trachadero Street, Puerto Rico, but that's another story) constantly repeated stories. What I wouldn't give to hear him repeat those stories all over again.

When I was a kid, yes my parents did irritate me. Rules, curfews, groundings. But they always told me (which at the time I thought was very lame) that I would never understand why they did the things they did until I had children of my own. And ya know what??? They were SO right.

I have a daughter 25 who is my shining star. She is every parent's dream. Doesn't smoke, drink or do drugs. I am very grateful to have her in my life. Do I irritate her, you bet I do. But she loves me anyway. And I've always told her what my parents told me, about understanding when she has her own kids. She just rolls her eyes.

I believe that parents were put on this earth to irritate their kids. It's God's way of keeping them young. As Dad would say, "If you don't keep moving, they'll throw dirt on you."

post #11 of 24
I think we all tend to forget that our parents are just people,with their own failings and prejudices. Their values were formed in a far different society than todays. As they age their prejudices come more to the fore for whatever reason. This will become more evident when they get to the latter stages of life and their mind starts going. My mom just turned 80 and for the last year she is becoming a stranger to me...nothing atall like the mom I grew up with. I love mom dearly,but some days I really don't like her much.That sounds terrible,I know... But the true meaning of love is when we can overlook all the crap and still care for them. God knows they had enough heartache with us growing up.

And remember...your kids will find you totally uncool and out of it at some point too.
post #12 of 24
I think all parents bug their children at some point - as Im sure all kids bug their parents!! - We never stop loving our parents/children, but just sometimes we don't like them too much!!! Of course it doesn't stay that way forever!!

post #13 of 24
My dad passed away almost a year ago. Sometimes he got on my nerves because he got to a point where he obsessed about anything to do with his health (even before he got sick). We talked on the phone several times a week, and it got old to hear about every paper cut from the moment it happened until it healed. Other than that, no real irritations here. We were very close.

Now, my mother is a different story. She and I have been at odds for about the past 25 years. She has some major issues, and over the years the only defense I have rigged up is just to avoid her.
post #14 of 24
Gaye- How does your mother feel about you not having children of your own? I am a child of divorced. both of my parents divorced and are remarried. I had a hard time accepting my stepdad and my stepmom. I've lived most of the time with my mother and stepdad. But his family accepted me even though my stepdad is very jealous of me. Both of my parents can be very naggy. My mother, being married to a doctor, has been bugging me since the age of 12 about my weight. She's tried putting me on diets and exercise. As a result, I am heavier. My dad's nagging, when I go see him in mexico is about keeping my house clean and being a responsible adult. I've never really got close to him because he is an alcoholic. He beat my mother alot when I was younger. He is always criticizing my mother and her family. I sort of felt like a tug-of-war rope. My mother at one end and my father at the other. Both believed I didn't grow up right. My father had high expectations for me. My stepmother was also very jealous of me. Keeping letters that I wrote to my father. And my father complained that I never write. So now, I write them to his office. Also, I can email him. To my brothers and sisters(all half. I am the only child to my mother and father.), I get along with them but we are not very close. I love my parents though. They do try to love me the best they could.
post #15 of 24
Donna....you pretty much said exactly what I wanted to.... for those of you who have irritating parents....and whose parents don't act at all the way you wish they would.............
Be SO glad you still have them...and cherish every irritable momenbt with them.
My mom and I never got along. I thought she was judgemental and overly-protective. She is gone now. Can't tell her that. Miss her like CRAZY!!!!
My dad....(died last August)..I always felt beneath him, although he never tried to make me feel that way. He was such a good man, and so loved by the community, that I felt inept.(not good enough)
But he was such a wonderful, wonderful man...no matter how stern I used to think he was, when I was growing up.
Bottom line here.......

No matter WHAT you think of your parents......if you truely love them....just cherish them while they are still here....even if you don't get along so well right now....cherish the time you have. Some day it will be too late.
post #16 of 24
I don't know my real father. After an incident involving my ex-stepfather (I call him daddy because he raised me since I was like 3). I no longer have contact with him. His new wife won't permit him to call me or talk to me. He called me two weeks after my 19th birthday to wish me a happy belated birthday and apologize for it being late but that he had to sneak around to call me and couldnt' get around to it until then. That was almost 5 months ago. I've since moved and have no way to contact him. So.. the one father I did have.. I no longer do

However, my mother and I are bestfriends. I talk to her about once a week.. I share everything with her.. and when I need advice, a shoulder to cry on, help with something, a recipe, or just someone to vent to.. she's there unconditionally. We rarely if EVER fight. She's isn't just my mom.. but my best friend and we make it a point to be involved in eachothers life no matter what. I know I am very lucky to have a mother like this and I make sure to tell her on a weekly basis. We communicate through email and play games online together as well. Our relationship isn't perfect.. but I wouldn't change it for the world.

I'm very lucky to have her.. and I cherish every moment with her.

post #17 of 24
I've finally given up on my parents. I haven't spoken to my father in over 10 years and don't want to. My mother's husband died last year in an accident and she is going through a midlife crisis this year. I love her - but she is driving me nutz! I didn't know women went though this! The one thing I have always prided myself on is having a non-ditz mom - but she has turned into a giggly! Platnum blond hair - Harley motorcycle - vacations all over the US. None of this would bother me, except my baby sister is going to be a senior in high school this year and mom needs to be a mom not a teenager! It's a good thing I have such a wonderful husband - 'cuz I'm sure not close to my family! Any one else figure they must have been snuck in by aliens 'cuz your nothing like your parents? (How does this happen anyways? Seems like if you are raised by your biological family you should somehow resemble them in your personality! I look just like my mother, but don't act like either of my parental units.)

Heather V. Havel
post #18 of 24
Thread Starter 
Interesting that you brought that part up about your parents, havel1hv! I look nothing like my parents, either. I don't know who I look like! But, I wish I didn't have my parents characteristics. My dad.... he has a short temper, so do I. I get upset very easily. Ok, I am actually admitting this! And, I am not proud of it, either! And my mom.... I don't know: But, I do know that I don't tell people when something is bothering me, which I don't like either! I think that is one of my mom's characteristics!? I catch myself saying stuff that they do, too, which annoys the heck out of me!! Oh well, I am my own person!
post #19 of 24

Your situation stinks! I had the same problem when my stepmonster. She and my father had been married for 15 years (they were together for a total of 20). She always treated my daughter and I different from her three, totally useless children. I was never invited over on holidays (I could only "stop by" never stay for dinner or anything) even though her children and grandchildren were. HER children and HER grandchildren were always more important. I never got any time alone with my father to talk. She was always there. My dad used to play golf alot and go to a local tavern for lunch and a beer afterwards. I would always have to sneak over there to sit and have a decent conversation with him. She got very sick and Dad took care of her to the end. Her three worthless children never once asked my father if he needed any help. When she died, they were only there for what they could get. Didn't give a rat's behind that my Dad was hurting. Well, I hate to say this but her death was payback because since then and up until the time he died, we spent more time together and were closer than we had ever been in the 20 years they were together.

So I know what you're going through.

And Gayef, I also can understand your situation. When my daughter was diagnosed with brain cancer, "Barbie" the stopmonster complained when my father gave me the airfare money to get to Florida to be by my daughter's side because I was flat broke. My father, who had his personal "stash" of funds in a credit union that she never knew about, always asked me if I needed anything. That's the way he was, always willing to give you the shirt off his back. She, on the otherhand, was always wondering what was in it for her.

Barbie's grandchildren were so much more important than my kid. Even with brain cancer. Life has a funny way of turning out. You are very special to be there for your stepson. I only wish I had the kind of stepmother that you are to your kid.

post #20 of 24
Well, I have to admit, I come from a very normal family (well, maybe not by today's standards). My parents have been married for over 35 years, and I love them alot. They live in Austin, and I live in DFW, so we're not really close but not too far away. I wish we lived in the same city. My mom and I are best friends, and my dad is pretty great too.

We do have one or two points of contention though. Growing up, I could never have indoor pets because my mother is deathly allergic (not exaggerating here). So, now that I'm an adult and have my own family, I wanted indoor animals. My mom is not thrilled with this to say the least. We actually had a huge fight about it once when I was visiting them in Austin. It was so bad I was going to pack up the kids at 1 am and drive home. Thankfully, my dad convinced me to stay. We still disagree on this issue.

Another issue that has come up with my parents is religion. I was raised Lutheran. I've converted to Southern Baptist. My dad took this as a personal failure. I think he should be glad that I've grown in Christ. Maybe he is, but he's never told me.

I think everyone, even those with great relationships with their parents, have areas that are better left alone. I'm just thankful that I still have both my parents. I don't know what I'll do if they die.
post #21 of 24
Thanks Donna. What I don't get.. was this man raised me .. even though he wasn't blood he was my daddy.. he spoiled me soooo rotten.. I was definitely "daddy's little girl".

Then when I moved.. him and mom started having problems.. and they split up. She didn't have anywhere to go.. so I moved her in with me.. states away... and helped her get on her feet again. (She's doing wonderfully now btw!)

Less than a year later he remarried and this women is ISANELY jealous of me and my father and refuses to let us have anything to do with eachother. If he really loved me.. he would NOT let her stop us from communicating. It really hurt me when this happened.. I asked him "Whose gonna walk me down the isle when I get married" .. all he said was "I'm sorry". So.. it looks like I'll have my mother to walk me.

You know.. I major problems with trusting men. Thankfully Craig understands. Every male figure in my life has hurt me in some way. (All my grandfathers died before I was born) My real father.. goodness lets not get into this.. lets just say since I was an infant he hasn't been around. Now this. How am I supposed to trust any man? I'm working hard to trust my boyfriend.

post #22 of 24
Eeps sorry.. kinda went off there in that post.. guess I needed to vent.

post #23 of 24

That's quite alright. That's what we're here for to listen. It's too bad that your stepmother has such control over your father. Mine did too. My father was so afraid to rock the boat with his "Barbie" it was sickening. But like I said, things do have a way of working out. Do not let that woman's jealousy stop you from seeing your father. Even if you have to have someone else call him for you. Someone she doesn't know.

Good luck and keep the faith.

post #24 of 24
Cassie!!!!!!! I am so saddened to hear that he is treating you this way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can feel your pain in your post, and I am so sorry. I will say a prayer for you, I wish there was more I could do. How unfair for the stepmom to be so jealous!! But he could stand up to her, if he really had the b@lls.
Donna....I read before in another post about your stepmonster....that is horrible the way she treated you!!!!!!!
Brent has two children, they were 3 and 9 when I came along....I have always loved them and treated them good...I couldn't love them any more than I do if I had given birth to them. They are a part of him...and they are such beautiful, intelligent children!!! I would give my life for them!!!!!! Brooke is now 16 1/2 and blake will be 11 next month. They are my babies. I remember curling Brookes hair when she was 9, and buying bows to put in it, and now she is all grown up! *sniff*
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