Giving up a cat?

I'm beginning to consider considering giving up my cat because I feel no connection to him, but I don't know if that is something that I can justifiably do, or even want to do. It feels shameful to have these feelings, but I can't help them. I have put a lot of time and energy and care into trying to have a relationship with him, but he remains aloof as ever. I'm wondering if it's possible for this to mend, or if someone has had this experience before. I'm by no means close to calling it quits at this point, just wondering if someone else can comment on this. 

I am sorry you are having troubles relating to your cat.  Can you provide a list of things you have tried so far.  That would be helpful.

satsumasryummy said:

 
I'm beginning to consider considering giving up my cat because I feel no connection to him, but I don't know if that is something that I can justifiably do, or even want to do. It feels shameful to have these feelings, but I can't help them. I have put a lot of time and energy and care into trying to have a relationship with him, but he remains aloof as ever. I'm wondering if it's possible for this to mend, or if someone has had this experience before. I'm by no means close to calling it quits at this point, just wondering if someone else can comment on this. 

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How long have you had your cat?  I got a rescue cat six months ago after losing my previous cat. (he was 19)  She is nothing like him, but I feel I must give her time.  Cats do things very much on their terms and we humans sort of have to like it or lump it!  Not knowing more about the situation with your cat it is difficult to say what would be best thing to do.

Yes, can you please tell us more? How long have you had your cat ? What kid of relationship do you have with him and what things doeshe do that make you feel not close to him or that you don't like? Finally, what have you done to try to feel closer to him and/or to help or correct the behaviors you don't like (or learn to work with them)?

We need more information to offer good advice    

Everyone, to be honest I never seriously considered giving him up, I just reached the peak of frustration and had to vent. 

I've had him for nearly two years now. He's not a misbehaver at all, quite the opposite - he sticks to himself, is relatively quiet and incredibly aloof. He looks like that French cat in those YouTube videos and he might as well be, he acts so disinterested. I've tried clicker training, daily playtime (both of these I still do, but he usually just walks away), taking him out for walks, giving him more space, giving him more affection by seeking him out, even interspecies communication (though I'm not sure if that worked or if it's even genuine). He just...is not very affectionate, at all. He does not ever seek me out for affection or tolerate it from me, aside from a quick pet (meaning one stroke). I have tried a lot of things and am exhausted by the idea of trying more, but I suppose the solution is just to accept it and peacefully coexist. It's disappointing but I can't blame him. He was adopted by the person I adopted him from, who got him from a pet store. Lots of pet stores in Toronto are supplied with their cats by the Toronto Cat Rescue group, so it's very possible that he was a stray, and will never be trusting of humans. Maybe it's also his temperament. I also think my frustration is affecting him and makes him want to stay away more, because he is more likely to ignore or walk away from me when I feel this way. So I'm going to work on my own feelings and hopefully that will help our relationship. But I don't know if we can ever have a close bond if it's been this long and we don't have one now. I'm discouraged. 

How frustrating and disappointing for you.  :-(    I know the YouTube videos you're talking about.  They're funny, but not so funny if it's actually your situation!

How about spending time near him--lying on the floor at his level and reading, for example.  Will he come to you for treats?  Have you tried brushing him?  I took in a skittish cat who will never be a lap cat and was not affectionate at all, but I discovered she LOVES to be brushed.  It took over a year, but now she will sometimes lick my hand or let me rub her tummy.  But if I just hold out a brush near her, she will come running.  Weird cat.  But they're all so different...

I have tried that before too but when I sit down next to him he looks uncomfortable/not amused and walks away. He comes to me for treats but prefers that I throw them...if I keep giving them to him from my hand he sits far away and waits for me to just throw it to him. Sometimes he leaves if I don't. He's long-haired and despises brushing - I've gotten him to tolerate it. He's exceptionally food-motivated which helps with training. There's nothing really that excites him other than treats and food, and it makes me wish he got so happy just because of me. 

I realise you've had your cat much longer than I've had mine but it took me a little while to bond with one of my little girls.. When I got Sophie I bonded with her almost instantly and around a month later I decided to get another kitten and got Chloe. The first week or so was very stressful trying to get them to live together in harmony and I wonder if maybe that was what caused me to have some trouble bonding with her.. It took around 3 months or so until I really felt I loved Chloe just as much as I do Sophie and before that I'd always feel a little guilty about it! I think sometimes though it takes longer to get that close bond, but I'm sure it'll happen for most people! I can't imagine life without either of my little girls anymore and I love them both more than anything!

@teddytimble: Yeah I think it might just be a matter of temperament, his previous caregiver told me that he was really affectionate and playful, which is pretty much the opposite of the way he is now. He seems to have developed anxiety issues since his last home, because he often dashes across the house, stops abruptly and turns to look fearfully behind him as though something is chasing him - he also abruptly starts grooming himself when he has this excess of energy, and never seems to truly relax. He probably has major trust issues after being given up so soon after adoption (he was with his previous caregiver for four months, from 7 months to 1 year). It just bums me out because I've put such a crazy amount of effort into getting him better and he still doesn't trust me or show any love, and he's the first real pet I've ever had (only had fish as a child), so I guess I expected more good times than bad. Not only that but being "rejected", in a sense, has made me feel like pretty much giving up on trying to show him affection or care, basically I feel exhausted even thinking about showing him affection and then only having disappointment to experience. I have reasoned it out though and figured out that I pretty much can't give him up unless I'm forced to for another entirely different reason, which doesn't exist now. He has a much shorter life to live than I do and it would affect him to be given up again more than it would affect me to keep him and experience a disappointingly distant relationship. I can't make this decision just based on how I feel, and anyway his next caregiver would have an even harder time with him. I also think that this isn't really a justifiable reason to give up a cat, I believe in the commitment that it is, and so I know that I would be racked with guilt and always feel a pang when I thought of him. It's also funny because I have anxiety issues and I got saddled with a cat that has them bad. I wouldn't want someone to just give up on me because I didn't suit their ideal of whatever breed of being they were associating with. The only practical reason I can think of to rehome him is that it is expensive to have a cat, I make sure to feed him absolute top-tier food and supply top-tier litter, with vet bills and accessories on top of that, and it's all going to a cat who couldn't care less about me, which results in me feeling resentful. I can't help feeling like I'm paying to feel this disappointment and disconnect every day. I can't connect well with most people but I click well with cats, I just get them but...not this one. It really hurts me, so much that imagining going to pet him and then being walked away from or similar things that happen actually makes me feel like I mentally flinch away from the oncoming hurt I feel when I see that he just doesn't care. But it's a huge decision to make and I can't come to a conclusion, so I'll go the safe route even though I have to live with this insane frustration. So I'll keep truckin, maybe try to be less disappointed about his personality and be more appreciative of his looks, ha ha. He's a beautiful cat.

@SarahD1987: Where did you get them from and how old were they at the time? And I really think it's just the way he is in my case, he doesn't even seem to enjoy petting or any kind of affection, though he does seem to want it - when I reach out my hand to him he moves towards it the tiniest bit and then seems to realize where he is, looks at me wide-eyed then backs off or leaves. He lets me pet him a little bit but is fidgeting the whole time and leaves or moves away after anywhere from 1-3 strokes (except when he is eating, I can sneak in major - for him - petting if he is chowing down). I think he has a nervous temperament to begin with, and then being adopted twice just totaled his confidence. I work from home so when I'm at my work station I don't even see him all day until it's time to feed him or if I walk by the main area of the apartment that he hangs out in, and then he just keeps an eye on me, not like a being he feels affection for but with a careful air. 

This whole situation is incredibly draining on me. I really appreciate being listened and responded to while I vent about it. 

Another thought--have you tried anxiety treatments for your kitty?  Like calming treats or collars, homeopathic drops that you put in his water....anything like that?

I have tried pheromone collars, homeopathic drops, herbal drops, flower essences, calming treats, classical music - even all at once. He seems less like he's ready to bolt out of the room at any surprising movement when I administrate them, but no less distant and distrustful-seeming of me. I really think he grew up as a stray, because it seems that he can't unsee his perception of humans as a major potential threat - and on top of that, the first human he bonded with uprooted him out of his first comfortable home. I think the only thing that would truly ease his perpetually semi-panicked state would be prescription medication for cats.  

Did the pheromone collar do anything at all?  I'm just wondering about a Feliway diffuser as well or instead of it.

The pheromone collar worked well. The first time I put it on him he seemed rather sedated and slept on my lap for 20 minutes when I put him on there, probably because he was so disoriented and falling asleep everywhere. It was like a dream come true but it didn't last, despite my fervent hopes. Since then I've continued to use the collar (plus essences plus herbal drops) because it curbs his anxiety but it's not nearly as effective as on the first day. When he has it on he seems more relaxed like a regular cat, but is still very clearly distrustful and aloof. When I have friends over he still looks like they're going to eat him. 

I did hours of research on collar vs Feliway and overall I've gleaned that the collar is more effective because it stays with them. I can't afford getting him both on top of all his treatments and all of mine.

satsumasryummy said:

 
I have tried pheromone collars, homeopathic drops, herbal drops, flower essences, calming treats, classical music - even all at once. He seems less like he's ready to bolt out of the room at any surprising movement when I administrate them, but no less distant and distrustful-seeming of me. I really think he grew up as a stray, because it seems that he can't unsee his perception of humans as a major potential threat - and on top of that, the first human he bonded with uprooted him out of his first comfortable home. I think the only thing that would truly ease his perpetually semi-panicked state would be prescription medication for cats.  

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What did your vet say about medication options?  

What's your kitty's name by the way? 

I haven't discussed this with our vet, namely because it seems medication is often used for extreme reasons and I don't really feel comfortable drugging him for my benefit when he's not in any real distress. Sure, he's more wired than most cats, but his disposition hurts me more than it does him. At least as far as I know. And his name is Lux  

Hi

The bottom line is some cats are more gregarious, and some are more independent and that's the way they are, and you can't change that.  Many shelters including mine use the Meet Your Match program where the cat is tested/assessed for 2 scales of behavior, the independence/Gregarious scale and another scale called Valiance which basically refers to whether a cat is a brave confident cat or a more nervous cat.

Your cat sounds very independent, and your not being able to change him shouldn't be seen as a failure on your part. This is who he is.  Some people prefer independent cats, some people like gregarious cats and since your preference seems to be for a very affectionate cat, you might want to consider adding a second cat to your home and selecting the next cat very carefully.  You cant test for these traits under 9 months of age, it isn't reliable, and they have to be spayed and neutered to get the true sense as well.  And I would go to a shelter that really knows their cats to help you select a buddy, or, just accept your current cat for who he is.

Lastly, the cat being independent isn't personal against you.  He would be this way with anyone.  Yes cat's bond with us, but that isn't the same thing as being affectionate per se.  He can bond with you and yet still be very independent.  And you could bring a very affectionate cat into your home and he would still need time to bond, and just because he was affectionate even on day one, doesn't mean he's bonded yet.

Cats emotions and behaviors are complex, and while we might like to think of their emotional lives as somehow mirroring our own and in that way we give them human qualities they are not human, and their emotions, behaviors and motivations will always be something of a mystery to us.

Also another thought: you can't medicate a cat into being affectionate or to "liking you" although it isn't really about liking or not liking.

Have you ever taken a look at Jackson Galaxy's website?  He is known as the "Cat Daddy".  He has so many great suggestions for all types of cats.  One of his suggestions is play time.  Sometimes it takes awhile to find a toy that your cat will like.  One of the best is da bird.  Most cats go crazy for it.  There are also Neko flies.  Many cats like wand toys or the cat dancer.  When I brought a stray turned feral into my house last year, he did not like or want to play.  I tried so many toys, but he was either uninterested or ran to hide.  It took lots and lots of time, but now he just loves the da bird, cat dancer and wand toys.  He also loves string hidden under a blanket and then pulled out.  What about catnip?  Many toys that may have initially been rejected can be tried again.  The key is to find a toys he enjoys.  After a good play session, the cat is rewarded with either a very special treat or meal.  The idea is that the cat hunted (ie played) and then is rewarded with the prey! 

I have used feliway plug ins and spray with good luck.  I also found that Composure liquid max mixed into wet food worked very well and much better than the treats.  My frightened feral boy, likes animal harp music. 

If you really want to delve deeper into the possible reasoning behind his behavior and/or personality, you could try contacting an animal communicator.  Many of us here have used one before. 

Good ideas! My cats LOVE the Neko fly toys. [emoji]128522[/emoji]