Siamese Cat is destroying my life (again!)

I posted on here last November about my cat, squitten (spayed siamese female, 8 years old)  She had fallen out with my partners cat Star:  (spayed female, part Siamese, one year old)  and we have lived in hell ever since.  We reintroduced them, tried simultaneous feeding, spent a fortune on feliway,  trips to the vet, ect...  Stars now been missing for 5 days now as it looks like Squitten has chased her away from her home. And my partners had enough and is threatening to move out, we've been together 5 years and have no other issues but my bloody cat..

Squitten has always been hard work (I have had more trouble with her than my son of 15 years) She follows me around screaming and moaning constantly, she has the most horrid voice I've ever heard in a cat-it is worse than a babys cry, last night I tried some calming spot on-that didn't work-she screamed for 4 hours until I lost it and shut her in another room, but our bungalow is a bit small so theres nowhere I can put her where we can't hear her.  This is the second relationship shes destroyed. I chose her over a husband 6 years ago.  My partner and I can't even have a five minuet conversation because she drowns us out.  She controls every aspect of my life.  Every day I have a headache, I have a cronic illness and its getting worse and worse due to all this stress..   Shes fine for other people-I put her in our local cattery for two days just to have a break and they kept saying how lovely she is.

I don't want to rehome her, we've been together since she was a kitten but I've clearly done something very wrong with bringing her up, ive never met a cat as noisy or as nasty as squitten.   I'm beginning to wonder why I'm keeping her, it doesn't feel like she love me or wants to be with me, I don't have anyone who could foster her or look after her for a bit, maybe with her out of the way, Star might come back home.  Stars a amazing, very self sufficient cat, we live very rurally and I believe she can survive out in the fields for ages but why should she have to live outside because my cats taken offence to her? my partners very upset about it all, he promised Star a wonderful, safe rural home and now he thinks shes too scared of Squitten to come home.

Excuse my disjointed ramblings, as usual, Squitten woke me up at 3 am squealing like a banshee ( what a way to be ripped out of sleep-I wake on the verge of a panic attack every day)  I had to shut her in the greenhouse for a hour just so I can sit and write this. 

Has anyone got any ideas?  all this upset is destroying our lives... ive got to the point where I'm not sure who to hang first, myself or my cat.

Hi there and I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Is she medically ok?  Is her weight, appetite and activity level normal?  No weight loss?

Assuming she is ok medically, and as much as you don't want to hear it, given a) the amount of distress she is causing you and your family, and b) how well she seems to do elsewhere it seems like re-homing is the best way to go.  Don't think of it as a personal failure - it isn't.  It's actually what's in her and your best interest, she will be happier and so will you.  It sounds like you really have tried everything and short of consulting a certified behaviorist (a reasonable idea) I don't see anything left to try.

If its so bad that it is destroying your life like you say, then she probably feels similarly in her cat way, you all deserve new lives.

I agree with StephenQ.

I love my cats but I couldn't put up with them destroying my relationship with my partner.

I think that once you've made sure there is nothing medically wrong with her thinking about re-homing is the next step. Some cats just don't get on with some people, but that doesn't mean she can't be content somewhere else. It sounds like you've tried really hard to make her happy and a new home might be the next thing to try.

Good luck, I hope Star comes home and you can all get a bit of peace and quiet.

Am surprised at those answers. I honestly think there must be other things I could try before giving up on a cat. We've been together 8 years (personaly that's longer than any relationship I've been in) she was at the vets a couple of months ago and got a clean bill of health. I would like to get her checked again. but that's a bit difficult as she's upset my partner so much. He's the one with the job and car in this house. Our pet insurance covers a behaviorist but I can't fine one who'll accept insurance money. They all want payment up front which I don't have. I spent a few hours online last night looking for ways to train a cat to be quiet and there's plenty of tutorials and other people have done it so I will try. Star still hasn't come home and if she doesn't my partners made it clear he won't be staying here without her so my family's likely to be ripped apart anyway. I would like to be able to have a cat and a boyfriend but if one goes then I'd like to hang on to the other.

I'm sorry about all that is going on. I know you said that Squitten received a clean bill of health from the vet. That is great that she is healthy. Did your vet consider putting her on medication, like an anti-depressant, to help tone down her aggression and anxiety? Sometimes, in more challenging and extreme circumstances, this option has worked beautifully when all else has failed.

When I last took squitten to the vet it was about a abcess not her behavior. Again I would love to take her back but I'm self employed and I haven't sold any of my work for months so don't have the money for vets. She has excellent insurance but there's a hundred pounds excess. I spent the only fiver I've earned on some calming spot on that's done bloody nothing. Her behavior has got so much worse in the last 6 months since she started being violent towards star. I just wish I could get it through to her that she has to be nice to my partners cat or we could all end up homeless. That's if star ever comes home. I'm happy to work with squitten and do what I can to change her behavior but all this nonsense is stopping me from working and earning some money to help her.

I really admire your dedication to your cat.

I've read through some of your other posts and you mention a neighbours cat, Billy, and another of your cats. Lena, that had a few problems with Squitten and Star. Is Lena still around? It could be because of problems with these other two cats that Star has taken off.

It sounds like Squittens issues are more complicated than just an aversion to other cats, but knowing that Star didn't run away just because or Squittten might help you make up with your partner and so make it easier to get her to a vet for another check up.

I Think we responded the way we did, myself included because of the intensity of your descriptions.  You said she is destroying your life. That your partner is threatening to leave you or at least leave your home.  That she makes horrid noises and that you can't even have a 5 minute conversation in peace, and that you are living in hell.  So if you are being accurate, and if your life has gotten to this level of crisis, why wouldn't we suggest re-homing her?  I mean I don't want to suggest re-homing your partner! ;-).  And on top of that you have tried many things to get her to settle down.

But here's a thought, can you take a short, like 30 second video of her with audio so we can see what you're seeing and hearing?   Maybe we can advise you better that way.

Siamese are. . .different :lol3:. Noisy and high-strung and opinionated and all that. If you choose to re-home her, try to contact a Siamese-specific rescue, because at least those people will have some idea of what they'd be getting themselves into :tongue2:.

You could pursue some kind of anti-anxiety medication, but honestly she sounds like a normal Siamese to me :/. Maybe you could build a little cattery building/enclosure outside, away from the house, where you could put her when you need a little peace.

I have been thinking about adopting a Siamese cat and doing a little research on them. They are very active, curious, adventurous cats. And very vocal about everything, especially their displeasure. I wonder if Sqittens is bored and letting you know it with vocalizations? If she is okay medically, it may be the problem.
Here are some low cost ideas to keep her occupied and entertained indoors:
http://www.siamese-cat-breeder.co.uk/keeping-indoor-cats-happy/

The toy called Da Bird is also good for hours of interactive fun. Some bird feeders or squirrel feeders placed near the windows may help to distract her, too.

I hope the issue is this simple to fix. It is obvious how much you love her and how stressed out you are. I wish you the best of luck in getting this worked out.


Edit: Here is another homemade toy that might keep her occupied for a while:
You will need to take two plastic cups and poke two small holes in the bottom of one. Make the holes just slightly bigger than the dry cat food pieces that will go inside the finished homemade cat toy. Poke one hole in the other plastic cup and thread a piece of yarn or string though it and tie a knot so the string won't slip back through the opening. Now place a few pieces of food, or small cat treats, in the cup with two holes, don't use too much or the food will spill right out. Tape the two cups together, top to top, and hang it off a ledge or door knob. Your cat will then have to bat this toy around to get the food to fall out. This cat toy will help prevent boredom during the day and allow your feline friend to use some of their natural hunting instincts to feed.

Willowy said:

Siamese are. . .different

. Noisy and high-strung and opinionated and all that. If you choose to re-home her, try to contact a Siamese-specific rescue, because at least those people will have some idea of what they'd be getting themselves into

.

Click to expand...

I have to agree with Willowy here.  Although I was raised with cats, and we now have 2 DSH rescue males, 27yrs ago the only other cat I've owned in my adult life was a chocolate point female that I purchased as a 12wk old kitten.  "Different"  .. when I think back to the first year, two years makes me         I adored that little Queen Bee for 14 awesome years, but she was an only cat in a one person household.  She demanded, and vocalized every-waking-moment, how much attention she required of me (which I mostly knew going in).   They are something else personality wise.

To the OP -- First I'm glad to hear that she is medically sound.   And as others have mentioned, it seems as though you are working as hard as you can to keep the peace between the cats and your partner.  I do, sincerely, hope Star returns home soon so things can begin to mend with your partner.   I also hope that the advice of more veteran feline owners here helps you with new ideas to try before having to consider re-homing.

ETA:  Just my humble opinion .. I would really want a certified behaviorist (together with a vet) to suggest/recommend any anti-depressants.  Someone who could come to your home and get a feel for the dynamics of your pack first.  

Again I'd love to get vets behaviorist etc but can't find one who will take insurance payout. They all want money up front. Which is not a option in my life. We've had a year of hell and heartbreak with our cats starting last may when our beloved Amy bean died. She had been squittens companion for 4 years. Then my partner got star and I got Lena but she kept attacking star so I had to give her up. Now squittens attacking star. My partner has got very protective of star now and goes berserk everytime squitten goes near her. She's still missing so that's not helping the situation and I'm having to keep squitten out of his way cus he's convinced she's chased star out of her home and he hates her. I have tried a few things about training cats to be quiet and I think I'm having some success. I've always responded to her shouting as everyone else expectsme to keep her quiet but ignoring her seems to work but everytime she opens her mouth my partner shouts at her so hes. Just undone all my work. It's been made very clear that he don't want anything to do with her. He'll pay for her food but that's it. I'm very up and down about all this. I don't want to loose my partner or my cat but I think I'm gonna loose someone. It's already looking like stars gone. Have put posters around the village and will do lleaflets later. Again please excuse any disjointd ramblings. I'm all over the place and don't know if I'm coming or going. I'll try and sort out a video of squitten shouting. She normally has a good scream of a evening. She's always been very vocal but these last 6 or so months she's got so much worse and with my partner screaming and shouting at her as well...(I have explained to him that it doesn't help till I'm blue in the face but he won't have it) he's refusing to read any cat books or articals or even watch a episode of my cat from hell. He knows better you see.

I'm sorry to hear you've had such a rough time recently. 

I agree, yelling at Squitten is not helping matters at all. I apologise if I'm getting too personal here, but it sounds as if Squitten is picking up on a lot of the tension between you and your partner. Cats are very sensitive to the emotional atmosphere around them, as you probably know, and if she is being yelled at or if she can sense discord at home she's going to react in some way. It seems that she's decided yelling back is the best way to respond. Fighting with the other cats could be another way that she is reacting to the tension. I've noticed that a fight always seems to break out amongst my cats if I'm running late and rushing around trying to get out of the door. They usually all get on very well, but if I'm stressed, they're stressed too.

This might not be the best time, what with Star being missing, but is there any chance you and your partner could give yourselves a break to work things out? If you can't get away for a few days how about asking a friend to cat sit Squitten at their place so that you can sort things out without her interrupting?

She might be unhappy because she can sense that you're not happy either.

I'm glad you are going to try and make a video for us, and I belive we're at the point in this thread that until we can see and hear what you're talking about, we may not be able to add much more in the way of help, and more importantly, we need to see the specifics of Squittens behavior so we can really make sense of all this.

Okay so let me know if I am understanding everything correctly"

Squittens is at least 14 years old, as she 'destroyed' (your words) another relationship of yours 6 years ago and you've been with your current partner 8 years.

You have only had Star, who Squittens doesn't get along with, for around 1 year.

Honestly, and I apologize if this is too blunt or personal, but I have a different take on this than the others.  I think your partner of 8 years is being unreasonable.  I  understand that you both love him/her and are financially dependent on him/her at this time, and also that you have been together a long time and so I don't recommend taking any drastic actions when it comes to the relationship. However, his attitude doesn't sound right to me.

Has Squittens always been this vocal? If so is the real issue just that she doesn't get along with the brand spanking new cat Star?

Honestly, Squittens is a senior cat.  It is hard for all cats to adjust to change, but for many it gets harder as they get older.  Needing to deal with the death of her long time companion, combined with being forced to accept 2 new cats (I understand you did get rid of one) almost immediately would put a lot of stress on any cat.  I know you've said you tried re-introducing them, but what you need to understand (and help your partner understand if at all possible) is that in Squittens mind, Star may pretty much have JUST gotten there.  Cat time is a lot different than human time.  For poor Squittens this all may feel like it just happened yesterday.

Unlike the others here, despite the issues you a=are having and the vehemence of your original post, I would strongly urge you NOT to rehome a senior cat who has been with you for 14+ years and who is almost certainly just confused by the situation and enormously stressed out by the tension between you and your partner.  I would urge you, when Star comes home, to re introduce them again, very (and I mean VERY) slowly. I know the concern will probably be it is not 'nice' to keep Star isolated for so long, but Star is going to be with you guys for many many more years and will be fine and get over it. Squittens needs to be given sufficient time to adjust.  A proper re introduction may take months, and at the end they may only be tolerant of one another.  That is okay.

As for the vocalizations, I assume she is a Siamese and has always been this way.  If you could accept it before, you can accept it now.  If she is now more vocal, she is probably  just expressing her increased stress because of the discord in the home and her inability to quickly adapt to having another cat around.

Again, I know this is all VERY blunt, and I sincerely apologize for any unintentional offense it may cause.

If in the end you still end up thinking she needs to be rehomed, is she a really a Siamese (by which I mean was she sold to you by a registered breeder?)If so, the breeder (if still alive)  will take her back even now.

I have to change my opinion.  Somehow i missed that Squittens was 14 years old.  Rehoming him is not a good idea for his sake, and not practical either as few would take a cat tat age (sadly).  You've lived with this long enough, i think you should do the best you can, and your partner as well, do what you can to do a slow re-intro as @tulosai has suggested and let Squittens lie out his life.  Or keep squittens in a different room.  If your life is as (sorry, but i'm taking this from what you say) miserable as you claim, then there must be some humane way of improving everyone's life.

We would all still be aided by seeing a video.

tulosai said:

 
Okay so let me know if I am understanding everything correctly"

Squittens is at least 14 years old, as she 'destroyed' (your words) another relationship of yours 6 years ago and you've been with your current partner 8 years.

You have only had Star, who Squittens doesn't get along with, for around 1 year.

Click to expand...

No, I don't think that's the right timeline.

Squittens is 8 years old.

Six years ago (when Squittens was 2), there was a split with the husband.

Fours years ago (when Squittens was 4), there was a boyfriend and a new cat, Amy Bean, who Squittens got along with.

One year ago (when Squittens was 7) Amy Bean passed away, and they got 2 new cats, Star & Lena, and there were problems.

I do agree that if the OP and the BF lived with Squittens' Siamese proclivities for the previous 4 years, it's not fair to her to suddenly change their minds because she doesn't get along with the newcomers.

There was mention that Lena also had a problem with Star? ... maybe there is something going on with Star.  Animals will often pick on other animals that are sick.  Star may have something wrong medically that the other cats could sense.  Difficult to say unless Star comes home and they can be taken to the vets for some bloodwork/testing.

Yelling at Squittens is definitely not the answer.  As a Siamese, she associates vocalization with communication, so of course she's just going to "communicate" back.

I wonder if she really still misses Amy Bean?  Remember also, that even though animals definitely have emotions, they do not have the same kind of logical/moral attachment to those feelings that humans develop.  They are much like a two year old kid who has no filter; they will say and do what comes naturally without thought of repercussion.

Well, yes, if someone yells at a Siamese they will just "yell" right back. I would guess that's the main reason for her increased vocalization. I would also worry about a grown man who thinks yelling at a cat is acceptable/useful behavior :/.

If Star comes back, there are ways to help cats get along. It doesn't sound like this has been handled properly in the past. Siamese, and especially females, are particularly opinionated about other cats, so they likely will never be friends, but I'm sure you can at least get her to stop attacking Star.

I don't think there's anything abnormal about this cat or her behavior. She's simply being a Siamese and responding to her environment, which right now is quite chaotic. I hope you can get things calmed down soon . But if the yelling and hatred continue, her behavior will only get worse.

Willowy said:

Well, yes, if someone yells at a Siamese they will just "yell" right back. I would guess that's the main reason for her increased vocalization. I would also worry about a grown man who thinks yelling at a cat is acceptable/useful behavior :/.

If Star comes back, there are ways to help cats get along. It doesn't sound like this has been handled properly in the past. Siamese, and especially females, are particularly opinionated about other cats, so they likely will never be friends, but I'm sure you can at least get her to stop attacking Star.

I don't think there's anything abnormal about this cat or her behavior. She's simply being a Siamese and responding to her environment, which right now is quite chaotic. I hope you can get things calmed down soon

. But if the yelling and hatred continue, her behavior will only get worse.

Click to expand...

I agree.  This sounds normal for many Siamese.  They are very vocal and people centered cats, being people centered means they will react quicker than many other kitties to their peoples moods and behaviors.

Furmonster Mom said:

 
No, I don't think that's the right timeline.

Squittens is 8 years old.

Six years ago (when Squittens was 2), there was a split with the husband.

Fours years ago (when Squittens was 4), there was a boyfriend and a new cat, Amy Bean, who Squittens got along with.

One year ago (when Squittens was 7) Amy Bean passed away, and they got 2 new cats, Star & Lena, and there were problems.

Click to expand...

THank you.

You are right that I misunderstood the timeline. 

Regardless I stand by my general advice.