Hello and need a little advice

Sorry for the poor introduction and since this is my first post here I will ask my question here. I hope you all do not mind.

Hello, my name is Chad and I am going to give you the story of our little Tammy. Currently my wife really hates me and I will get to that later in the story. Our little Tammy is about 9 months old and she is a spirited and peaceful little creature. One who loves to run and play, tackle the dog, and climb trees so she can peer out through the woods as a feline who is on the prowl. We live in a wooded area with many trees and Tammy would climb them often and she was great that she would always stay safe close to the house. Pic below shows one of many times I caught her before s


On Saturday 3/22/14 was one of many times Tammy would run to the door and talk to us about letting her out. So with the trips I was making in and out while attending the grill she found her chance to escape. No big deal as she usually wants back in within 10 minutes anyway. So we eat and a few minutes later we pop the door open and she came running back in like normal. About an hour goes by and the wife goes in search of her in the house. When she finds her in the corner of the room hovering over a pair of boots the wife proceeds to pick her up. A blood curling scream came from little Tammy. So I came over to investigate and could not see anything visibly wrong with her. She favored her hind end so we thought it would be best to run her up to the Emergency Vet for further inspection.

This is where the emotional roller coaster would start. With an X-Ray we found Tammy had somehow broke her tail at the base. The vet stated there was not much they could do and sent her home with a 3 day pain killer. On Sunday we happen to notice that she had not used her litter tray at all so on Monday morning we go to our regular vet. Now things were getting a lot more serious.

They would keep her until Friday and we found out that they were manually expressing her bladder, giving her stool softeners, and enimas. The wife and I decided Friday that we would like to bring her home to her natural environment and try expressing her ourselves. Tammy was quite happy to back home and besides a tail that drug she was her normal self. Chasing the dog, jumping up and down on the furniture, and sleeping between our legs at night in bed.

Saturday morning came and it was our turn to try to express her. The wife tried 1^st with not much luck so I decided I would try. I did get a dribble but not much. The vet did say because of the swelling she was getting much more difficult to express. We had hoped that since she was back home she might try using her litter pan. She would go over to it and paw through the litter then just walk back out. A couple hours passed and we would try again but no luck. So Saturday afternoon we were back at the vet again. This time they would install a catheter and keep her on the stool softener.

While talking with the vet they stated if we could afford it we should take her to the Metro Hospital and talk with a Neurologist and consider a MRI. So on Monday I transferred her from the local vet to the Metro. Another night she would stay in their care and it would not be till Tuesday I would here the results from the Neurologist.

The phone call and had come and it was a quite a somber one. The Neurologist stated that where the breakage was she had severed the nerve endings and she showed no sign of any rectal sensation. Couple that with the urinary tract and broken tail. The chances of her ever recovering were almost zero and to truly find out it would take up to 6 months. If anything would have been promising she would have had some bowel or urinary function within a week and our little Tammy had none. I had asked about getting a port placed in her so we could suck the urine out and give her some time to heal but again the Neurologist stated that with UTI’s with in doing such would be problematic and it would also lead to infection in the kidneys. Even then she stated that she has no bowel movement and it would be best to put her down.

This was devastating, beyond devastating to us, and a tragedy that a freak accident could happen. Our only guess is that she must of fell from a tree. This was a situation where we were willing to spend any amount of money to give our Tammy a chance at life. She was simply too young to be let go and everything else seemed fine with her. She was eating like a horse, loving, and purring. Ughhhh!

So with that phone conversation I stated I would be down to pick our Tammy up at 3pm and schedule with our local vet for euthanasia. Oh how the lump in the throat and the tears started to fall. I couldn’t help but think we were letting her down and had failed her.

It had been a long cold winter and Tuesday April 1^st would be a day of sunny and 70 degrees. We wanted our Tammy back home to enjoy a couple hours of the warm spring air. As soon as I exited the truck at home I sprung the cat bag open and Tammy leaped out and on the prowl. Again acting like nothing was a matter with her. At one point she sprung a rabbit and almost caught him. I was amazed at this considering all that she had been through. I had to remember though that the Morphine in her was helping to ease the pain in her hind end. A thing that you could not visually see and had to take with a grain of salt.

As time came closer to the dreaded 7:30 vet appointment the tears were flowing. The wife begged to keep me from taking her, pleading one more day. As much as I wanted to I knew it had to be done sooner than later. It had been 5 days since any bowel movement and we pulled the catheter before she left Metro so she could play one more time with us. I fed her anything she wanted, she drank plenty of water but again would only scrape the litter box that evening. We prayed for her to show us some kind of sign that the back end might work. None had come.

At the vets office that evening they all told me I was doing the right thing considering the injury she had. They knew her well from the last week while she was there.

It does not make it any easier to accept. I was sure to be the last person she would see and hope she had some comfort in knowing I was right beside her. I brought her back home with plans to bury her today on our land. Now the wife really hates me as she thinks I took our Tammy away. I can accept the fact that what I did was in the best decision but the wife does not see it that way.

So what I ask is this. Share your thoughts or experiences of how maybe I can get the wife to accept this and not hate me. I feel lower than dirt right now and I too look toward my wife for some compassion to get through this.

Thanks for reading

Chad

Tammy we love you

This is a really horrible story... Tammy was a beautiful cat, and I think it was a clever decision to let her go.

Because it is dangerous to have such injuries for a cat. Your wife will calm down in a few months, it was a real stress to her.

I think you should adopt a kitten, and it would divert both of you from sad thoughts. 

......

As time came closer to the dreaded 7:30 vet appointment the tears were flowing. The wife begged to keep me from taking her, pleading one more day. As much as I wanted to I knew it had to be done sooner than later. It had been 5 days since any bowel movement and we pulled the catheter before she left Metro so she could play one more time with us. I fed her anything she wanted, she drank plenty of water but again would only scrape the litter box that evening. We prayed for her to show us some kind of sign that the back end might work. None had come.

At the vets office that evening they all told me I was doing the right thing considering the injury she had. They knew her well from the last week while she was there.

It does not make it any easier to accept. I was sure to be the last person she would see and hope she had some comfort in knowing I was right beside her. I brought her back home with plans to bury her today on our land. Now the wife really hates me as she thinks I took our Tammy away. I can accept the fact that what I did was in the best decision but the wife does not see it that way.

So what I ask is this. Share your thoughts or experiences of how maybe I can get the wife to accept this and not hate me. I feel lower than dirt right now and I too look toward my wife for some compassion to get through this.

Thanks for reading

Chad

Tammy we love you

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• cfisher
• Apr 3, 2014

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@cfisher  .....Chad, first off, I'd like to express my condolences to you and your wife, on the loss of your sweet cat, Tammy.  It was a freak accident, in that cats can usually climb quite well, and even enjoy great heights.  Accidents like this can also happen indoors, but they may be less of a fall, or some other hazards happen, such as falling on certain objects.

I don't think your wife really hates you.  She is just in such grief, and she deals with it differently.  She may be more angry at you, but it is really the entire situation that she is angry at.  By her pleading to have one more day, she may very well be hurt, that the entire day had to happen at all.  Since the neurologist had said that the disability could not be reversed or managed, and you had already asked for all means to help Tammy, I think your wife knows there was no choice left.

No one is ever ready for that moment.

The thing with grief is, that no two people will ever feel it the same.  You will grieve differently than your wife, but in talking to her about it, and allowing the feelings, misery from separation from your cat, to surface, it may help your wife.

You best know your wife, so allow her the space to grieve, and also talk it over, to see where everyone is at.

Share your good memories, not all the ones after the fall.  In time, you and your wife will realize, that the energy from grieving...may be better put towards getting another cat and loving it also,  as @Alice Lilly

already mentioned.

A kind advisor on this site told me to use my energy for healing and not regrets, and that my cat, who I lost 2 months ago, would not want me to be sad, or even lose minutes being sad.  

I think this is great advice for anyone, since your cat is in a better pain free place, and now you may have to go through the pain process too, as does your wife.

Read this first post by Gareth, here.....it may help....it talks about how we as cat parents must all suffer in losing a cat, but that it's all okay....because we took that pain away from our four-legged companions.

http://www.thecatsite.com/t/237066/when-the-moment-comes

I wish you and you wife, strength, acceptance, and peace.

What a beautiful girl. You will always cherish the time she was with you. Her life was too short, but it sounds like it was rich and full.

Your wife does not hate you. She is angry, and because she can't be angry at Tammy, she has to be angry with you. That happens in a marriage, and you get past it.

Its such a difficult decision to make. Over the last 3 years we lost both of our original cats at advanced age. Miss Moo had been getting feeble at 20, but the final passing was blessedly fast.

With Snorkles, at 19 years, it was much longer and distressing, as he wasted away over 18 months. But he was a stern soldier until the end, and passed with dignity in my partner's arms.

We have a special obligation to our companions. Their lives are usually much longer with us than they would have been in the wilds. But we are obliged to prevent them from suffering. Where we would only occasionally consider euthanizing a child, sometimes its a necessity with our companions.

Take comfort in knowing that Tammy was not in distress at the end. She had had a good day. She was looking into your eyes. And as she floated, she was merely falling asleep.

She is now climbing, with her tail held high.

Chad, I'm so glad you came to this site, you need to help your grief express itself to others that understand and care. Your wife is dealing with her grief in her own way, she needs to be angry right now, which is a part of the grief process, and unfortunately it is directed at you. I went through the exact same thing, my husband was so angry at me at first, my baby followed me out onto the street and I didn't know she was there, I'll live with the guilt for the rest of my life. But we realized it was a horrible, horrible, accident, and accidents occur every day. There was nothing in the world that would have made me hurt my baby, but it happened and there is literally nothing I can do about it. Your little girl loved being outside, just as mine did. She took the risk of danger because she loved it so much, and she wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

     You were with your little one at the end, and though it broke your heart into a million pieces, it meant the world to her and comforted her greatly. You did your best, but sometimes it is not enough to change the outcome to a happy one. She would never have wanted to go through all the infections, the pain, the knowing that the future held nothing but more of the same and a bleak outcome. You did the supreme unselfish act of love by letting her go before everything became to much for all of you. You know deep in your heart you did the right thing......My heart breaks for you, I'll cry for your loss and the world's loss of such a precious little soul.

     It is difficult to reach out to others when you hurt so much, but the most compassionate self action you can do is to find a support system that will provide you with understanding. Remember, she would NEVER want you to hurt so much, she would want you to remember the good times with a smile instead of tears. She would want you to honor her memory by taking a tiny piece of that love, sharing it with another little soul in the future, and allowing it to grow and fill that huge empty hole in your heart.

     Hug your wife, she is hurting terribly too, you need each other at a time like this. Know we will be here to share your pain and to hopefully lighten the burdon on your soul. Take care of yourself, be gentle and patient with yourself and your family, it takes a long time to heal. RIP beautiful Tammy, you were well loved!

Thank you all for the kind words, it truly helps. The link provided was a great read and one that I will try to get the wife to look at.

I apologize for posting in the wrong section and thank you to the mod who moved it.

Again, many thanks!

I'm so sorry about Tammy, and I agree with everyone else to give your wife some time.  Also, be good to yourself too.

Chad. I was so touched by your story. Thanks for sharing. She was beautiful

My first cat was my best, and for some time the only friend.

When he got ill, I was crying all the time, and doing my best to make him happy, and find a cure, but there was none.

While I was at school, my parents called the vet without asking me, and when I was back home, they told me the boy was gone. The last person he saw wasn't me, nor my parents, but just the vet.

I think Tammy was lucky, that she could pass out seeing someone she loved. You have no idea how much I envy you.

I think your wife understands the situation, but she's just missing the girl so much, she needs some time to calm down. 

My cat's vet is my uncle, and I still can barely look at him, even though he's really kind person, and takes good care of my new cat (the cute girl on the avatar). I had to wait 6 years until I was ready for a new cat, but when I met her I thought, that we needed each other.

Please don't blame yourself. You did a good thing for Tammy. I could do more, and I regret it every day, but you really helped the girl, and I'm sure she loves you wherever she is now. 

I'm so sorry for your loss. What a precious little girl Tammy is

Beautiful Tammy