~~It's just emotions on paper in pencil....
2 weeks ago, I lost my little girl. I didn't carry her in my womb. I didn't give birth to her. She was adopted. She moved in as a foster at 3 weeks old, Bottle feeding and her little blue eyes staring into mine as I fed her. She was such a ham for my camera. She made little faces as I clicked the shutter button. I'm so glad to have all those pictures. Watching her grow and get bigger, watching her discover new things and form new habits. She was only 9 years and 9 months old when I learned of her illness. There was nothing that could be done to save her. That moment when I was told, I knew inside. I felt it. I knew I was losing her. I knew it was the end. My heart disintegrated. it was dust that blew away with my first sob. That moment I knew my life as I knew it was coming to an end. I always asked if I loved her too much. I could hold her in my arms and we would just stare into each others eyes. Me smiling, her getting sleepy and eventually falling to sleep. I always feared what would happen if she died. Would I fall into a deep depression and just lay in bed and wither away? That moment I will never forget. That moment I knew she was mortal. My mortal baby girl. I spent so much time with her. She was my world. My life. My love. My reason for being. That moment I felt the reality crash over me. My world crumbled. My special needs girl. I doted on her. I wanted her to have everything she could ever want. That moment my life changed. Forever. I could never go back. I could never feel the same way I did before that moment. I couldn't have that same feeling ever again. It was gone. I wanted to fix her. I wanted to spend every cent in the world to save my little girl. I couldn't imagine life without her. I couldn't imagine her not following me around. Staring at me. Sitting on me. Cuddling with me. I knew my life was over. Over forever. I took her home. We fed her her favorite food. We cuddled with her, we talked to her, we told her how great of a girl she was, how important she was to us. In our lives. We just soaked in every second with her little body beside us. Soaking in the moments like they were the purest cold refreshing water on a hot dry day. She got mad when at us if we cried over her mortality. She didn't like me to cry ever. She always sat on my lap and stared at me. Leaned against me. Loved me to make me feel better. She couldn't fix this sorrow. She actually made it worse, because I knew when she was gone I was going to want more then anything to have her on my lap trying to cheer me up. I knew it wasn't going to happen. I knew the emptiness that was going to follow her passing. We tried to stay happy and strong for our baby girl. We tried to be the best parents to her. Just show her love and happiness, and not sorrow and fear. She was the one moving on, we were being left here to pick up the pieces after she was gone. To see her belongings and know she would never again enjoy them or touch them. We knew every second we were running out of time. Every second was precious. I didn't want to go to work. I didn't want to leave her side. But she needed rest. So when she would lay down to sleep, we would eat, or do what we could to recharge ourselves so we could be strong when we were with her again. We did everything we could to give her the best last days of her life. The words comfort care ... I hate them so much. That was what we did though. It was more comfort/spoil/love care. We made her bacon, and we ate bacon and ham together. She never lost her appetite. She just couldn't eat as much as she needed to eat. She was wasting away. She had visitors come and spend time with her, to see her before she was gone. She was so loved. People cried at the news. Luckily for us, she was a sweet Manx feline, so we could set her spirit free and end her suffering. When we took her in to have her spirit freed, it was so hard. I wanted so badly to change my mind, and keep her so I didn't have to hurt. I wasn't ready to let her go. I wasn't ready to live without her. I wasn't ready. I'm still not ready. I would have never been ready. At 11:40 on March 18th 2014, she took two quick breaths and then no more. My life ended at that moment. My whole body went numb. My brain wanted to shut down. The hole where my heart was turned black and cold. My baby girl was gone. My love, my life, my sweet best friend who was with me almost every day of her life was gone. I held her empty body in my arms. Limp like a rag. Eyes empty. I had not gone more then a week and a half away from her at a time. That time was torture to me. I had a hard time spending one night away from her. sleeping in my bed with her not cuddling was terrible for me. She was gone. She stopped breathing before the final shot was administered. 5 minutes after her last breath, her weak little heart stopped. It was over. Her suffering. Her pain. Her life. My life was over too. My love was gone. My reason for everything was gone. It was over.
My life ended that day. I have spent the last two weeks building a new one without her. I have her pictures, her toys, her blanket that I sleep with every night. Hugging it like I did her. She passed on that blanket. It is soft like she was. It is black like she was. I'm healing. Those first two days after she passed were the toughest ever. I just auto piloted through the motions of life.
I still hurt at times. I still have moments where I think she will jump on my bed for a cuddle or she will pop her little head into the bathroom while I am in there. So many things in my life she was a part of. That feeling of excitement that I will see her when I get home. Walking through the door and expecting to see her big green eyes staring up at me I see her everywhere. Black shoes on the floor. Black shirt crumpled somewhere. my speakers on my dresser or nightstand. anything black anywhere is her for a second, Until I look straight at it. I've adjusted in ways. I have little heart aches here and there. I've almost called her a couple times. Looked for her so I could cuddled. Invited someone in to slay hi to her.
My love is gone and yet I live. I didn't love her to much after all. I loved her just enough. Enough to let her go when it was time. I will always love and miss my baby manxie girl. Always.
In loving memory of my sweet cuddle bug, my baby manx, Ladi NyghtShade.
06.04.04 - 03.18.14 RIP May you have all the kitty candy you can desire. All the squirmles to throw around. ALl the scratchers to sharpen your claws on. I will see you again one day.
2 weeks ago, I lost my little girl. I didn't carry her in my womb. I didn't give birth to her. She was adopted. She moved in as a foster at 3 weeks old, Bottle feeding and her little blue eyes staring into mine as I fed her. She was such a ham for my camera. She made little faces as I clicked the shutter button. I'm so glad to have all those pictures. Watching her grow and get bigger, watching her discover new things and form new habits. She was only 9 years and 9 months old when I learned of her illness. There was nothing that could be done to save her. That moment when I was told, I knew inside. I felt it. I knew I was losing her. I knew it was the end. My heart disintegrated. it was dust that blew away with my first sob. That moment I knew my life as I knew it was coming to an end. I always asked if I loved her too much. I could hold her in my arms and we would just stare into each others eyes. Me smiling, her getting sleepy and eventually falling to sleep. I always feared what would happen if she died. Would I fall into a deep depression and just lay in bed and wither away? That moment I will never forget. That moment I knew she was mortal. My mortal baby girl. I spent so much time with her. She was my world. My life. My love. My reason for being. That moment I felt the reality crash over me. My world crumbled. My special needs girl. I doted on her. I wanted her to have everything she could ever want. That moment my life changed. Forever. I could never go back. I could never feel the same way I did before that moment. I couldn't have that same feeling ever again. It was gone. I wanted to fix her. I wanted to spend every cent in the world to save my little girl. I couldn't imagine life without her. I couldn't imagine her not following me around. Staring at me. Sitting on me. Cuddling with me. I knew my life was over. Over forever. I took her home. We fed her her favorite food. We cuddled with her, we talked to her, we told her how great of a girl she was, how important she was to us. In our lives. We just soaked in every second with her little body beside us. Soaking in the moments like they were the purest cold refreshing water on a hot dry day. She got mad when at us if we cried over her mortality. She didn't like me to cry ever. She always sat on my lap and stared at me. Leaned against me. Loved me to make me feel better. She couldn't fix this sorrow. She actually made it worse, because I knew when she was gone I was going to want more then anything to have her on my lap trying to cheer me up. I knew it wasn't going to happen. I knew the emptiness that was going to follow her passing. We tried to stay happy and strong for our baby girl. We tried to be the best parents to her. Just show her love and happiness, and not sorrow and fear. She was the one moving on, we were being left here to pick up the pieces after she was gone. To see her belongings and know she would never again enjoy them or touch them. We knew every second we were running out of time. Every second was precious. I didn't want to go to work. I didn't want to leave her side. But she needed rest. So when she would lay down to sleep, we would eat, or do what we could to recharge ourselves so we could be strong when we were with her again. We did everything we could to give her the best last days of her life. The words comfort care ... I hate them so much. That was what we did though. It was more comfort/spoil/love care. We made her bacon, and we ate bacon and ham together. She never lost her appetite. She just couldn't eat as much as she needed to eat. She was wasting away. She had visitors come and spend time with her, to see her before she was gone. She was so loved. People cried at the news. Luckily for us, she was a sweet Manx feline, so we could set her spirit free and end her suffering. When we took her in to have her spirit freed, it was so hard. I wanted so badly to change my mind, and keep her so I didn't have to hurt. I wasn't ready to let her go. I wasn't ready to live without her. I wasn't ready. I'm still not ready. I would have never been ready. At 11:40 on March 18th 2014, she took two quick breaths and then no more. My life ended at that moment. My whole body went numb. My brain wanted to shut down. The hole where my heart was turned black and cold. My baby girl was gone. My love, my life, my sweet best friend who was with me almost every day of her life was gone. I held her empty body in my arms. Limp like a rag. Eyes empty. I had not gone more then a week and a half away from her at a time. That time was torture to me. I had a hard time spending one night away from her. sleeping in my bed with her not cuddling was terrible for me. She was gone. She stopped breathing before the final shot was administered. 5 minutes after her last breath, her weak little heart stopped. It was over. Her suffering. Her pain. Her life. My life was over too. My love was gone. My reason for everything was gone. It was over.
My life ended that day. I have spent the last two weeks building a new one without her. I have her pictures, her toys, her blanket that I sleep with every night. Hugging it like I did her. She passed on that blanket. It is soft like she was. It is black like she was. I'm healing. Those first two days after she passed were the toughest ever. I just auto piloted through the motions of life.
I still hurt at times. I still have moments where I think she will jump on my bed for a cuddle or she will pop her little head into the bathroom while I am in there. So many things in my life she was a part of. That feeling of excitement that I will see her when I get home. Walking through the door and expecting to see her big green eyes staring up at me I see her everywhere. Black shoes on the floor. Black shirt crumpled somewhere. my speakers on my dresser or nightstand. anything black anywhere is her for a second, Until I look straight at it. I've adjusted in ways. I have little heart aches here and there. I've almost called her a couple times. Looked for her so I could cuddled. Invited someone in to slay hi to her.
My love is gone and yet I live. I didn't love her to much after all. I loved her just enough. Enough to let her go when it was time. I will always love and miss my baby manxie girl. Always.
In loving memory of my sweet cuddle bug, my baby manx, Ladi NyghtShade.
06.04.04 - 03.18.14 RIP May you have all the kitty candy you can desire. All the squirmles to throw around. ALl the scratchers to sharpen your claws on. I will see you again one day.
