Humongous mess and need input from other animal lovers. (LONG)

catmom2wires

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Hi everyone,

I haven't been active here in a while, but pop in to read frequently.  Some things have happened in my life the last month and I need input on a situation I find myself in now.

I am the only surviving child of aging parents.  A month ago my mom, 82, suffered a compression fracture to her back.  She was scheduled for an outpatient surgery to repair the bone but before that could happen, she had some electrolyte problems with her blood, and seems to have had a small stroke.  She's been in the hospital or skilled nursing home for the last 19 days.

My father had dementia, heart disease, 2 types of cancer, and arthritis, as well as mental illness, mostly PTSD from growing up in Nazi Germany.  He also was an abusive man.  His behavior became more erratic as Mom's problems worsened and he had enough and took his own life last Wednesday night.  He was almost 86.

My parents had acquired a 6 month old Boston Terrier puppy almost a year ago.  I urged them not to adopt her, as it seemed a terrible choice for a very old couple who would almost certainly die before her.  I made it plain that I did not want more dogs after my two (now 12) pass.  Still, they adopted Betsy, and it went pretty well for them, until now.  Betsy was in the house when my father passed and was traumatized.

Betsy moved in with us last Friday.  She is a small Boston, about 14 pounds and is spayed/vetted.  I already have 2 12 year old 30 pound mutts, which I mentioned, and 3 cats.  The dogs take Prozac daily due to some pretty intense female to female aggression that occurs maybe once or twice a year.  I worry about adding another female to the mix.

Betsy also came here largely untrained.  She is housetrained, and quickly learned to use the flap to go in and out of the house.  She's learning not to door dive, has learned simple commands to sit and stay, is doing better with leash walking (my 16 year old is in charge of that), rides well in the car and sleeps downstairs with the "pack" at night.

My mom is still of the opinion she will get well, and be able to take full charge of Betsy in an assisted living apartment or other situation.  I don't see that happening as she cannot walk her on a leash and Betsy is just a very active dog.  It would be a hazard.  In any case, it's very clear that Betsy will outlive my mom.  In addition, taking Betsy to visit mom in the skilled nursing facility shows me that Betsy was clearly bonded to my father, not my mother, as she is not receptive to any of my mom's overtures.

I am stuck trying to decide whether or not to just contact the Boston Rescue I found, place her with one of the vet techs who is interested in adopting her, or keeping her myself.  I still feel that I don't want more dogs.  I will be nearly 70 by the time Betsy passes.  On the other hand, I know I could do a really good job with her, and she'd settle in with some more training and time.  I am aware that it would be traumatizing to her--AGAIN--to be moved, yet I also know that young dogs are adaptable--to a point.

My 16 year old daughter likes Betsy very much, and my dh seems smitten as well.  I find I have a wall up around my heart--probably because I have the enormous load of loss of my father, the estate worries, the uncertain health of my mom, making decisions faster than I can process them---well, I'm just overwhelmed.

Can anyone offer me any advice or input?  Has anyone ever had an "unplanned pet" and felt similar?  How did you resolve things?

Thanks for reading.

C
 

Winchester

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I have been wondering about you, more than a few times, so I'm really glad to see your post. I am sorry about your father; I can't imagine how difficult that was for you. And your mother. And poor Betsy.

We went through something similar a couple of years ago. In our case, my father had passed away and a few months later, my mother decided that she wanted a cat. My sister and I both begged her not to do this as the kitty would outlive her and there would be problems trying to find the cat a new home. But we couldn't make her understand and Mom's mantra was "You can't tell me what to do." And then she just up and got the cat. We were very upset and frustrated, but either Mom didn't understand our feelings or (more likely) she flat-out didn't care what we thought.

Mom had to go into a nursing home and there was the cat. At the time, we weren't sure how long she'd be in the home, but both my sister and I thought she wouldn't come back to the apartment. We kept the cat at the apartment for about two weeks and I'd go up twice a day to spend time with Muffin. On one of my visits, Muffin and I were outside walking (Muffin was in her stroller) and a woman stopped me and told me how nice it was of me to go there to take care of the cat. Then she slammed me with, "But you know, that poor cat has been here by herself now for two weeks and you're really lucky that nobody has called the SPCA." I could see the writing on the wall, so a few days later, I went up and brought Muffin home. She became our eighth RugCat. It turns out that Mom knew that, in the end, I would take Muffin. She actually told my sister that, if anything happened to her, "Pam won't let anything happen to Muffin."  And well, during those two weeks I was spending time with Muffin, the cat and I bonded. Big time. It's a pretty serious bond, I'd say. I completely and utterly fell in love with her. She is so much my cat that I can't imagine her living with anybody else at this point. I took her home with the understanding with Rick that I would try to find another home for her, but that home was our home. And she's been here ever since. She's not going anywhere.

Mollipop and Muffin do not get along and it hasn't gotten any better in the 18 months since Muffin joined the family. I keep saying that I should let Muffin go and find her a new home, so she wouldn't have to deal with Molli, but overall? Muffin is happy here, I do believe that. She went from being an only kitty to one of eight. (We have since lost our two Old Ladies, Whisper and Bootser, so we are down to six cats now.) During the time she had to adjust to the house, she also had to adjust to a complete kitchen remodel, followed by the Christmas season and everything it means in our house. Muffin has dealt with everything completely in stride. Other than Molli.

And we are her fourth home in her 3+ years. As a kitten, she was left behind when her people moved to a new house. A woman walked by the house and heard her crying. She was able to get into the house and there was this tiny little baby girl kitten laying on the kitchen floor. She took her home and cared for her. Then she gave her to Mom, who did take good care of her. Then she came to us. So she's had to get used to a few different homes. But she'll be staying here forever. I realize that my situation is a bit different because Muffin and I do share a strong bond now. You haven't gotten to that point with Betsy....at least that's what it sounds like.

You have been dealing with a lot and it's difficult. Your own illness, and now all this with your parents. And then Betsy and everything she entails. I'm glad that your DH and your daughter are OK with Betsy and it sounds like they really care for her. Dogs are different than cats, though, meaning they need to be walked, they need to go outside, etc. And you already have two dogs. Yet, you are doing well with her and you know you can handle her. And it isn't fair to get her used to yet another home, so if you decide to rehome her, you should probably do so while she's still a youngster. But ultimately you are the one to decide if you can do this, if you want to keep her. I don't think your mother can deal with Betsy, no matter what she says. My mom said the same thing, that she was only in the nursing home on a temporary basis, that she would get back to her apartment and then she would take Muffin back.

But you know what? When I brought Muffin home, I said to my self that Muffin was not going back to Mom's. Because it would only be for a matter of time. Something else could happen to Mom; she might have to go back to a nursing home or to the hospital, and Muffin would have to come back to us again. And then we'd have to go through the whole introductory process with all the cats again. And Mollipop. I wasn't doing that to her and I wasn't doing that to my other kids either. Thankfully, it didn't come to that....we didn't have the problem of giving Muffin back to Mom. But sometimes you have to do what's best for the animal, regardless. And once Muffin came into the house, well, it didn't seem fair to run her through a revolving door, if that makes any sense. We didn't have to and we are glad of that.

I apologize for writing such a long post. And I'm not sure if it's what you wanted, but it's what happened to us. Muffin was not wanted; nobody really wanted her. My brother turned us down cold, said he didn't want to deal with a cat (and then got a cat about two months later, but that's another story). My sister, in the end, would have taken her, but she really didn't want to deal with her either. Even Rick who had absolutely, positively forbidden me to bring one more cat into the house, realized somebody needed to take care of that girl....and that somebody was us. I truly do love that little girl.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you well.
 
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irinasak

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I am sorry you are going through this. I do not know what to say other than the fact that these kind of decisions are better made with the heart. I am sure there is a logical way to decide - thinking maybe how much your daughter can help with Betsy, for example. But I stand by what I say - some things FEEL right, others don't.

I never planned to have Harley and Amelie. I always thought that when I'll get a second cat I will feel what I felt for Sophie - a feeling that she was supposed to be mine.

Harley and Amelie were two herpes virus ferals/strays that I decided to help by taking them to the vet and then promoting them for adoption. I did not find them homes, so they are with me. Forever. I do not regret the decision to foster them and then to adopt them - I regret that I do not have room for another feral I feed, but I am still working on this.
 

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I'm really sorry to hear about your mother and your father, too. 
 I've missed you here and it's nice to see you back although I'm sorry it's under such difficult circumstances.

The logical thing to do is give Betsy to the vet tech who wants to adopt her. That seems the best thing for everyone, including Betsy. You know she will have a good home and the attention she needs.

You are already having two dogs with problems getting along, you really don't need a third in the mix. You might even start resenting her (who wouldn't?) if her presence starts major problems again with the other two. You are going to be very busy taking care of your mother's needs and the avalanche of duties you have now after your father's passing - I'm assuming you are his executrix.

Being an executor is a huge amount of work and extra responsibility - from probating the will to selling the homestead - and you have to do it all while grieving. It's very tough so it helps if there aren't many problems going on in your home life.

I used to think it was an honor to being someone's executor but no more. I know it all has to get done by someone, but it is a huge burden.

p.s. Let me know if you have questions about Texas probate law, I became something of an expert after my father died (in Texas) 5 years ago. I'm still dealing with the fallout - it's still not over - but fortunately have help from some very excellent estate attorneys in Houston. I'm happy to help point you in the right direction if you need help.
 
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peaches08

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First, I am so sorry.  You sure have a lot on your plate right now.

I agree, I would give the dog to the vet tech.  Bless her heart, she just doesn't sound like a good fit in your home.  Is keeping her doable?  Of course, and you're a good person trying to make things work.  But if another circumstance is better for her and everyone else, then that's the best situation.  I can only imagine the pain your mother will feel about the loss of Betsy, truly I can.  But I'm concerned about your mother's safety even if you get the dog trained for her.  Young active animals always find ways to end up underfoot, even when they try to get out of your way.  I've fallen over my cats a few times, do I know!
 
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catmom2wires

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Thanks everyone.  I really appreciate your input.

I've been in to see my mom this morning, and attended a discharge planning/progress meeting with the NH staff.  At this point, Mom has coverage for 85 more days until we have to make a real "financial" decision and all are in agreement that she needs more therapy/help, so her "home" for the next couple of months is decided.

After the meeting, Mom and I talked.  I told her how Betsy is progressing at home, and she was quiet and then, through many tears, she gave me full permission to do with Betsy as I see fit.  I can't tell you how much of a weight that lifted off of me.  I of course promised Mom to make the best decision I can for all of us, knowing that it will be painful nonetheless.

I hesitate about the vet tech.  Betsy's original owner was a vet tech at the same vet clinic.  Mom was in the vet's having her old dog euthanized and the vet tech approached her right then with an offer of Betsy, who was 6 mos old.  I always resented that as she was preying on Mom's emotions while trying to rid herself of her dog.  When Mom got Betsy, she was thin, had infections in both ears, and didn't look like you'd think a vet tech's dog would look.  That particular tech is no longer there (is a special ed teacher now) but it still leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth.  I would need to interview the ones who are interested in Betsy extensively before letting her go.

I am in touch with a rescue out of Austin, and am currently playing phone tag with her.  I want to talk to her about their organization and I suppose I will go with my gut regarding that.  Hopefully we will connect soon.  In any case, I want Betsy to go to someone who is familiar with Bostons and their special needs.

It does worry me that there will be turf wars if Betsy stays.  My other two have serious issues and have been under the care of Dr Bonnie Beaver at TX A&M about their problems.  Things are better on Prozac, but there is always a risk when things get very tumultuous around the house.  We have to do things very carefully so we don't set off the dominance issues.  Betsy is already showing interest in being "first" for petting/going through doors, etc.  My others don't seem to mind now, but in time they might.

I am trying not to become attached, but I am pretty much a big sucker.  It's very sad to think of her leaving.  I think I need to talk to my dh and dd tonight so we're all on the same page and will be ready to move forward.

The estate stuff is daunting.  I'm extremely fortunate to have a wonderful attorney as a best friend, and he's already drawn up some paperwork for power of attorney and so forth so I can make some decisions, be able to access mom's accounts, etc.  He is also an accountant, so he will be my go-to person.  I appreciate the offer of help, SwampWitch--and may be in touch.

Thanks again.
 

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I am sorry about your parents.  I do think it would be best to rehome Betsy.  Another dog, particularly another female dog, will just escalate things.  Hopefully, if you aren't comfortable with the vet tech, you can get her into a breed rescue.  I think by and large they are very good.  They normally have their dogs in foster homes and carefully screen people.  They are also good about letting people know about the breed, both positives and potential negatives.  The person fostering usually adds on things about that particular dog.  Most will also take back a dog if things don't work out or a situation changes so the adopter can't keep the dog.
 
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catmom2wires

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I just had a 30 minute conversation with the Boston Terrier rescue group.  The woman who spoke with me was very kind and told me that young females are in high demand, and folks will be fighting over themselves to get her.  She estimates Betsy would be in a forever home within 2 days of arriving in their care.

There are openings right now, and I could send Betsy immediately.  She said we can be kept informed about Betsy's adoption, new family, etc with pictures and emails.  I know that part is important to my mom.  I don't think my heart could handle it.  I'd need a clean break.  I'm crying now, listening to Betsy snore contentedly on the futon.  It's just all so sad. 
 
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denice

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Our pets are so much like our children, no I don't equate the two, but so often it's heartbreaking to do what we know is best.
 

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Oh! I am so sorry to hear all you are going through! You must be a strong person to have endured so much! It warms my heart how much you obviously care and want to do the right thing for everyone. Be assured, betsy will probably end up as an only pet, adored and cherished. I too ended up with my one daughters dog, which i too encouraged her not to adopt in the first place, then my other daughter discovered she was allergic to her two cats....which i ended up with. I already had two dogs....yep....three dogs now and two cats! I know for sure i am at my absolute limit as to being able to care for and show attention to all five. Yes, i often feel very overwhelmed! And i do not have nearly as much on my plate as you......Yes, i adore them, each one, but, if i had had a good safe home to place them, i would have. Seems like people who really truly care, suffer because they care! Those who just randomly get pets and get rid of pets don't seem to suffer a second thought about it! Please, be kind to yourself. Obviously, you are a deeply caring loving person struggling with an impossible situation. And yet, you have found information for an ideal solution for Betsy. Consider this: she will be totally happy and thrive in her new forever home. And believe, you too deserve to feel comfortable, not overwhelmed. This is a tough tough time for you. You should take care of you too a bit! It is ok to lighten your load. Betsy will be fine. Trust me. My little penny, my daughter's dog i adopted, doesn't miss her old home or my daughter. She loves me and her new home.....as will Betsy. You love her, you will do what is best for her by finding her just the right people to match her with a forever home. Good luck, and dry those tears! Be proud of yourself! You are one of the "good ones"!!! Wish the world was full of caring people like you.
 
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catmom2wires

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Thank you all.

I went to see Mom this morning.  I told her about the rescue and she said she'd been thinking about it and she's ready to let her go, ASAP.  All she wants is a chance to say goodbye, which we will give her today.  I have filled out the online surrender form and am waiting for word on where we'll meet the transportation person who will take Betsy to a foster.  I hope it will be tomorrow.

Thanks everyone for your input.  It really helped.  I knew just where to get the support I was needing.

C
 

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Oh i am so proud/happy for you! Way to go! And remember, with rescues, it is not goodbye, but fare thee well. A new hone for her will be found, no worries! You are doing the right thing, for sure. Sending you good thoughts! Well done! I wish you well and hope things go easier for you.....tough tough time....
 

gusmom

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Hope you are doing ok, thinking of you sending good thoughts your way.
 
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catmom2wires

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Hope you are doing ok, thinking of you sending good thoughts your way.
Thank you.  It's so nice of you to "hope" for me.

I surrendered Betsy to the rescue on 3/28.  I sobbed for the entire 60 mile drive there and back.  When the foster mom from rescue called Betsy's name, she went running to her.  I'd typed a 2 page document of "facts about Betsy" and gave it to her along with all of Betsy's supplies.  I then cuddled Betsy and kissed her and whispered in her ear and handed her over.  I cried all the way home.

I've not gotten or sought information on how Betsy is doing yet.  I was assured that she would find a home quickly due to her age and size.  The rescue said they would personally place her with someone from their VIP list.  I have no reason to doubt them.

It was the right decision.  My pets are happy again and the house is calm.  We of course miss Betsy, too.  Someone will be lucky to get her for sure. 
 
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catmom2wires

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How is your mom?
Mom is doing OK.  She has good days and bad.  We are still working on getting her scheduled for surgery to help support those broken vertebrae (kyphoplasty) and then she will move into an assisted living facility.  The facility allows pets, but there is no way she could care for the needs of that very active dog on her own. 

I am working furiously to get the house ready for an estate sale, since she will not be returning there for many reasons.  It is hard work and dredges up lots of memories (my father was extremely violent and abusive) so I will be glad when it's done.

Thanks for checking on us!
 

peaches08

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Mom is doing OK.  She has good days and bad.  We are still working on getting her scheduled for surgery to help support those broken vertebrae (kyphoplasty) and then she will move into an assisted living facility.  The facility allows pets, but there is no way she could care for the needs of that very active dog on her own. 

I am working furiously to get the house ready for an estate sale, since she will not be returning there for many reasons.  It is hard work and dredges up lots of memories (my father was extremely violent and abusive) so I will be glad when it's done.

Thanks for checking on us!
Maybe other residents have pets that she can help tend to and feed that need.  I know how much that would help me. 

Sending many warm vibes for you and mom.
 
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