New cat dislikes me

ok, I am not one with an inferiority complex, but I think my new cat actually dislikes me.  first of all, I grew up with a series of cats, I have been a cat parent before, but this one is a challenge.  all the cats I've known were boys, very sweet, territorial love bugs. 

she is a 2 year old female adopted from the SPCA about 7 months ago, surrendered by her previous family because of allergies, and had such a difficult time at the shelter they had to give her anti-depressants and appetite stimulants.  she looked so forlorn I decided to give her a chance.  the first week she hid under the TV cabinet, but slowly came out and became more comfortable at the house.  she is very well behaved, does not pee anywhere except for her box, tried scratching the furniture but stopped when I told her "no" (it only took a few tries), excellent appetite and healthy. 

this is the problem:  she hates being touched, picked up, brushed, refuses to wear a collar (no big deal since she is mostly indoors), and since she doesn't eat treats she can't be bribed (I've tried every brand out there).  if I enter the room, she runs (usually).  I sneeze, she runs.  I cough, she runs.  if I have visitors, she hides in the upstairs closet and won't come out until they leave.  I try and play with her a little each day, but her favorite is chewing on my arm.  at first I thought it was funny, but she is vicious and draws blood, so now I play with a very long pole.  if I try and sit with her, she leaves the room.  she usually won't eat until I leave.  I sleep upstairs, she sleeps as far away as possible (mostly downstairs). 

I live alone, work from home mostly, but I am not a hermit so I do need to leave periodically.  she will run if she hears the keys and will never greet me when I get back.  it's a very sad existence because all I am is her personal assistant, clean the litterbox, feed, and vacuum the cat hair. it's probably not so much fun for her either.  I am beginning to wonder whether my home is the right place for her.  when she first arrived things were going ok for a new cat, but it seems to have gotten worse and she is withdrawing.  not sure what to do, so any advice is appreciated.  thanks!

I'm sorry, that must be so disappointing for you.  I'm glad to hear she's healthy and eating well, though, that's good.  

A couple of ideas if you haven't tried them already--sitting on the floor at her level, talking softly, every day.  Feliway plug in diffusers can help them feel more comfortable and calm.  

I took in some kitties last year after their owner died.  It took months for a couple of them to get used to me. In fact I was commenting in another thread that the last hold out finally flopped on her back one day when I came in the room and let me rub her tummy--it took almost a year.  She's still a wiggle worm and I can't hold her for very long, but she lets me pet her and kiss her nose now....

How difficult and disappointing.  @betsygee has given you a couple of very valuable suggestions I think, with trying sitting in the room with her, sitting at floor level and talking gently.  Plus trying the Feliway.  You could try reading a book or magazine out loud if you don't want to sit and talk randomly, or even try sitting like this and listening to some soothing music in the same room.  I wouldn't take it personally that she is not coming close and choosing to share your space or wanting physical contact at this point: you say she had a difficutl time at the shelter and had been rehomed because of alergies.  She may have had limited contact before she got to the shelter, and if she had 7 months at the shelter and that was 'difficult' it is highly likely she is one very stressed and frightened little cat right now.  That she has come out of hiding, is using her litter box, is not scratching everything around her and is eating well are all good signs that she has started to settle in your home.  I would give her more time, and allow her to get used to you, trust you, and come to you in her own time.  7 months is a long time in her short life not to have had a warm and loving home with some consistency, and she has had little oportunityb to develop trust with people by the sound of it.  Her biting may well be a defensive aggression as she is likely to be very easily aroused at the moment.

Play with her using these long pole toys, wands, fishing rods, DaBird, anything you can that encourages her to interact with you but not make play contact with her teeth.  You can then introduce some gentle touching with the wand toys and softer rods to see if she has spots that she tollerates being touched more than others.  If she likes chewing leave her toys that she can chew on, boxes and such like as it may be a stimulation she finds comforting and if she can get it out of her system without it being on your flesh that has to be a good thing, and more play should help too.

Try not leaving enough food for her to free feed but bring in wet food and stay with her if you can.  Hopefully she will start to eat when you are there as long as the attention is not wholly focussed on her, like sitting reading.

Good luck. 

was she at the shelter 7 months or you've had her 7 months? either way, is she interested in looking outside? can she see birds and trees or are u in a city-type place? I think if nothing else works cats love to watch birds and fish (or, in my case, tennis and baseball )

I guess what I'm saying is I agree you should try to be around her  but if its been 7 months I would find what music or whatever she likes and basically ignoring her until shes relaxed enough to come to u.

and she eventually will be if you find the right thing that floats her boat.

in terms of play have you tried non-contact things like lasers or hand shadows (dammit my cat loved swans, took her about 6 years to figure out what shadows were....) plenty o fun...lolol....bubbles too...oh lord I miss her....but anyways.

I just reread your post and im wondering if when u get home instead of just coming in you called her through the door a couple times first. my cat was very skittish and for 16 years I always let her know it was me coming in, cuz she was always ready to bolt the other way. She also was afraid EVERY time I sneezed, I used to warn her I was going to do it cuz if I didn't it startled her...FOR 16 YEARS.

P.S. have you tried a ball with her? I swear my cat and I played kitty-volleyball in her younger days...she usually won. I also kept her lean and mean by the get-it game...having a robe-belt on the floor on her side of the door and in my hand moving it around on the other...I believe these types of games saved me from many scars from her pentup energy. in her older days I discovered pingpong balls were lightweight, kitty-proof, cheap, and could be thrown as far as I wanted (bouncing down steps was another fav...try and get her to play on the stairs and maybe she's more likely to join u one day)

thanks so much for your answers!  will try all your suggestions; one of the cats we had when i was a teenager loved classical music - dad would play his records and the cat would lounge by the speakers for hours.

I've had beatrice for almost 8 months. she was at the shelter for around 2-3. she likes to play with the laser, but gets bored very quickly. loves the wand with feathers. her absolute favorite is bouncing rubber balls down the hallway. she will chase it, catch it, and then sit on it. go figure, maybe she thinks she's a dog. she seems to want human interaction when she plays, but the only toy she will use by herself is the Cat-It ball circuit - I hear her pushing the ball around at night.

"mycatwasthebest" you have incredible patience - 16 years of skittish kitty is a lot to take.  i live in the outer suburbs of the SF Bay Area, with a small-ish back yard.  occasional birds and squirrels, and a pack of raccoons that i call her "television".  she loves watching them and i occasionally feed them just to keep her entertained.   do you think she could be jealous? 

i am getting the feeling that she has an exceptional memory.  one "fail" and she retreats.  used to climb up her scratching post/perch occasionally, but slipped off once and refuses to sit there any more.  another could be that i did step on her tail a few times when i just got her, so now she runs.  i had a very bad cold in the fall, and all the sneezing and coughing freaked her out.  now i just hold a Kleenex to my nose and she runs. 

I just bought Feliway spray, have not tried the diffuser.  she seems very interested when I spray on the rugs. 

i guess some cats are not "plug & play", just like people. a little disturbing, she reminds me of my ex-husband who was the solitary, un-touchy-feely type

Apologies for not reading your post carefully in terms of length of time she has been with you @kz59.

 If she is interested in the spray when it's used on the rugs the plug in is almost certainly worth the investment, put it in the area she is in the most.  You can top up with the spray in areas you like her to be and want her to relax with you.  Some cats are more nervous and skittish than others and are easily startled.  Hopefully with some input you can build up some more trust and get her to feel more relaxed in your home.  I doubt the stepping on her tail several months ago is still causing her to run, it is more likely to be an accumulation of things and her feeling generally anxious.  

@mycatwasthebest's idea of giving her some warning of when you are coming on sounds like a nice idea, as are the non-contact games.  You might feel like an idiot but sitting playing with something that might get her attention and   that she will watch is a good way to build up a raport and it is likely that at some point she will join in. If you use the laser toy it is a good idea to add a little bit of food or put down a catnip mouse or something at the point you end the game so she gets a tangible result at the end of it all or it can increase anxiety for some cats.

Many cats hate sudden loud noises and sneezing is one of them, as is the hoover.  i had a cat that was also terrified every time she heard a plastic bag crinkle and black bin bags were the worst!  She was great at hiding under the bed when anyone was visiting so hardly anyone other than me ever saw what a honey she was, but I did and hopefully you will see your girl like that some time soon.  Stay with her and give her time. 

My youngest son is autistic and getting him to connect with others took some time!

If a body feels displaced, it's hard  to get them on your wavelength.

With my son, it took repletion ,routine,  patience and rewards for compliant behavior. It took some time...

Now he is a successful high school student.

I don't know if this helps. It all depends on how long you're up for the game. I understand and wish you strength.

.

thanks so much!   she is absolutely terrified of crinkly plastic bags    vacuum, no so much (she will observe from a distance, ready to run if the big bad monster comes too close).  will try the diffuser in the office where she usually lounges on the window perch - it's her happy place. 

"zootandemo" - thank you (and i'm sure your son does too).  it took a lot of patience to help your son come out of his shell.  one of my brothers had/has Aspergers, so i kind of understand.   i will try and be patient, i guess some kitties take a really long time to acclimate to a new environment. 

You are welcome. Someone like you is well placed to do what's needed for this pet; he's very fortunate though probably doesn't know it!

It's all okay. Although others disagree, I believe that what counts is not how much others love you, but how much you love others.

I live that way and it does me good.

I wish you peace.

Melissa

I can understand how you feel, and I empathize both for you and for your kitty. I'd like to suggest that you remember a couple of things when you're feeling "she doesn't like me!" and I mean these in the best way!

1) You're familiar with your life, and you're stable with your surroundings.I know you have had her for a few months, but remember too that she isn't.

She's probably still trying to figure out why her previous family "dumped" her and left her in the shelter--which wouldn't have been the peachiest situation for her--so she is probably still adjusting to your place and to you. Just be patient and try to be approachable--there were a lot of good pieces of advice given in previous responses to your post so I won't repeat em.

2) All cats have different personalities. You need to give her time to learn yours and to open up to you.

I have a cat now who was the most "don't touch me! leave me alone!" you ever saw-- but time, patience and space to feel safe made a big difference Not exactly a lap cat, but more than willing to ask for attention and pettings!

3) I mentioned that patience thing, right?

4) Do you talk to her? (I mean other than sneezing) It sounds like a silly question but you might want to start a running conversation with her. She'll get more used to verbal interaction (rather than just behavior scolding) and again might help her to open up to you.

5) Re: Treats  I have one cat who won't eat any processed treats (you name it I tried it). She's happiest with a bit of cooked chicken, or rare beef (I've used roast beef and meat that I cut off from a roast specifically for her). You might try that and see if she responds to either.

In any case, keep in there and keep trying to communicate with her. Don't give up it will be worth it once she feels established--because remember, she doesn't know if you're going to put her in the shelter either, or how long you'll keep her. If you get frustrated just take a deep breath and walk away and try again later...but keep trying.

zootandemo said:

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With my son, it took repletion ,routine,  patience and rewards for compliant behavior. It took some time...

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Repetition, routine, patience and rewards for behaviours you want to see sounds pretty spot on to me. Excellent advice @zootandemo.  These long with trying to figure out your way to communicate with each other- which as usual is easier said that done.  

@3catgurl mentions talking to her, and one thing that people rescuing and socialising strays and ferals have found works is reading aloud, or listening to soothing music while sharing space with the cat.  Reading is a way of you talking but not focusing all your attention on your cat which can be less threatening, and sometimes cats can find being read to or listening to soothing music like harp or calm classical music relaxing.  I listen to CD books quite a bit and both my previous cats would instantly turn up on the bed from nowhere as the book began, as will my current boy!

thanks you!  i do talk to her, but maybe not often enough.  she doesn't really need scolding, since she is very well behaved.  she's simply aloof.  i do think there may be a little feral in her.  the SPCA had nearly her entire life history (she was found on the street as a kitten by the SPCA, so she may not have been properly socialized).   will try rare beef - she will eat canned chicken (Tiki Cat) but hasn't expressed interest in anything prepared for humans. 

so glad i found this site.  i have friends with cats, but they all seem to have the opposite problem - clingy, demanding troublemakers. 

kz59 said:

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so glad i found this site.  i have friends with cats, but they all seem to have the opposite problem - clingy, demanding troublemakers. 

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I have to admit to having one of these my self but read a lot of posts by people who think they would like one. 

if her favorite thing is the ball I would share another story...I taught my cat to "fetch"

I don't remember how I did it but she would chase one of those lightweight fuzzy balls and I would say "bring it to me" and she would

she wasthebest

ok, I'm impressed.  usually fetching is beneath a cat's dignity.  I understand how difficult it can be to lose an awesome cat.  my last one, Snowflake, was the best; every day he would wait on the sidewalk while I parked and walked home with me.  he loved guests, except for boyfriends (he would pee on my "Persian" rug to make sure I knew he didn't approve if they stayed over).  darned prude ...

Oh dear, Snowflake must have had instructions from your parents or something.     I don't think it's that uncommon for young cats to play fetch but as they get older they seem to realize it's better if the human does ll the running and they watch and laugh.  Sounds like feather wands chasing, ball games and bird watching are your activities to work on for now, and see how it goes trying to engage her and share her space for a bit longer.  Mouse used to run and fetch little feather bird toys I got for him, he'd go for anything with feathers.  Hopefully Beatrice will decide that you are an OK human to do some running around for her and she will start to choose to be in your company.

My cat loves Radio 4 - the talking makes him calm and I like it too. It also helps when he's alone in the house and I know how he feels.(There's no destruction waiting when I return!)  Don't you find the background hum of conversation comforting? Might add to the sense of safety that's needed for a happy cat.

It's not a cure-all, but it might help.

Keep the faith!

that's an excellent idea, never thought of it.  i live in a very quiet neighborhood, so when there's any kind of commotion (garbage trucks, gardeners, etc.), she goes into hiding.  it may drown out part of the noise and keep her from going nuts when it's quiet. 

FOR SURE!!!

We have lift-off!

From the shelf to the floor, to my lap for cuddles and loud purrs...Didn't get to bed till 2.am. I'm in heaven! Now I just have to charm him out of his room... It will come!

Time and space make all the difference, I think and kitties determine both.

Got to sort out pictures for you guys - he's a chubby fellow, but gorgeous none-the-less!

His nice lady owner named him Lexus because that was the car her dad had eighteen months ago, when she adopted him as a kitten.

Not suitable, but don't know if we can do that as he's not a baby anymore. Too much to ask of him, do you think?