My granny had been ill for a few weeks, and last weekend she died.
A few years ago, she had something I don´t know what is called in english, something with blood in the brain, which caused her to be paralizd on her right side, but otherwise fine, always with her kindness and good sense of humor. Then a few weeks ago, she had another one of those blood things in her brain, and after that she slowly go more ill, lost more movements ability and spech, untill she could not eat anymore, had IV, and then later that wasn´t working for her, so she only had some morfin for painkilling for some days.
Anyway, she was such a warm harted and kind woman, and I really miss her, and find this so sad, allthough I know this was for the best for her at this time in her illness.
I was always special to her, partly since we had the exact same name, both given and last name. Since we generally don´t have family names, our last name is the first name of our father or mother or both and then the word "daughter" or "son" is added to it. My granny named my dad after her dad, so our dads had the same name, and then my parents named me after my granny, which makes us have the same name.
Anyway, we allready have had one ceremony where the coffin is open, just with the closest relatives, and then tomorrow is the funeral. That is what is stressing me so very much. Because my phobias, sitting in a place among many people, like is a church or a movie, is extremely hard, and I have to sit in the back and in the end of the row. I knew I would not be able to sit in the back at my grannies funeral, but sitting in the end of the row, away from the middle isle would help, then I could sneak out the side isle if I had to. But it has been dicided that the grandchildren will be holding the coffin out from the church, and as much as I really "can not" do it, since I will have to sit in very front, and walk slowly out with everyone looking at me, I feel I cannot say no, since I am the oldest of my sisters and have my grannies name. I am so stressed by this, I really don´t know what to do. Funeral alone is enough, but holding the coffin out, I find, is just to much.
A few years ago, she had something I don´t know what is called in english, something with blood in the brain, which caused her to be paralizd on her right side, but otherwise fine, always with her kindness and good sense of humor. Then a few weeks ago, she had another one of those blood things in her brain, and after that she slowly go more ill, lost more movements ability and spech, untill she could not eat anymore, had IV, and then later that wasn´t working for her, so she only had some morfin for painkilling for some days.
Anyway, she was such a warm harted and kind woman, and I really miss her, and find this so sad, allthough I know this was for the best for her at this time in her illness.
I was always special to her, partly since we had the exact same name, both given and last name. Since we generally don´t have family names, our last name is the first name of our father or mother or both and then the word "daughter" or "son" is added to it. My granny named my dad after her dad, so our dads had the same name, and then my parents named me after my granny, which makes us have the same name.
Anyway, we allready have had one ceremony where the coffin is open, just with the closest relatives, and then tomorrow is the funeral. That is what is stressing me so very much. Because my phobias, sitting in a place among many people, like is a church or a movie, is extremely hard, and I have to sit in the back and in the end of the row. I knew I would not be able to sit in the back at my grannies funeral, but sitting in the end of the row, away from the middle isle would help, then I could sneak out the side isle if I had to. But it has been dicided that the grandchildren will be holding the coffin out from the church, and as much as I really "can not" do it, since I will have to sit in very front, and walk slowly out with everyone looking at me, I feel I cannot say no, since I am the oldest of my sisters and have my grannies name. I am so stressed by this, I really don´t know what to do. Funeral alone is enough, but holding the coffin out, I find, is just to much.
