Childless by choice/Childfree

I am childless.  Do I want kids....maybe.....maybe not.  I work for a vet and seeing some of the ill behaved little brats that come in makes me cringe.  Hubby always tells me it will be different with our own kids, but we have been trying for almost 9 years now, so pretty much given up to the fact that I am just meant to be a fur kid mommy.  I have not problems with that at all, I love all my fur kids just like they are my children, because they are.

I truly think your own are what you make them.  I used to babysit a girl who was horrible for her mother and fine for me and her grandmother.  She would cry scream and carry on yet did not do that with me past first few times.  I often wish kids were not such a deal to me as after few years of  none going to term it is sad.  Especially when at store seeing 2,3 or more kids running and the parent doing nothing. 

peaches08 said:

I am also a women's rights advocate and feel that birth control is the best thing since sliced bread. However, due to the "I'm on birth control" mindset, STDs rates are climbing. Most specifically HPV and HSV. I understand what you're getting at though, in that so many women are afraid of the weight gain possible due to Depo Provera yet they can't remember to take daily BC. IUD's are usually reserved for women that have already had children, but it certainly isn't unheard of for child free women to get them as well.

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I do agree with you about STD's - was going to mention something about it but figured I would keep it limited to pregnancy prevention to stay OT. The advice that childfree women shouldn't get IUDs is very outdated and most younger doctors are strong advocates for them as well as Planned Parenthood which is where I got my Mirena inserted. There is a new one on the market called Skyla which is smaller (only lasts 3 years vs. 5 years for Mirena or 10-12 years for Paragard) and is recommended for nulliparous women. To prevent unwanted pregnancies and lower STDs we need to take a multi-pronged approach that would include condoms, IUDs, education, teaching kids to delay sex, and changing cultural narratives about women's sexuality (among other things). 

Weight gain, low libido, and depression are the side effects I've heard from friends are associated with Depo. Yeesh. I didn't have many side effects from the Pill (I was on generic ortho-cyclen) except the couple weeks I was on it I felt like I was totally out of control of my emotions. I struggle with mild mental illness so that was hard for me but it evened out eventually back to "my normal." 

Sounds like a lot of us in varying age ranges are childfree by choice! Iiiinnnnteresting... *strokes chin* 

Catsallaround, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I hope you are able to conceive and carry a child who I know will be very loved.     Hope nothing we said in this thread has offended you!

I'm another childree one - or should I say we are a childfree couple.  Again, no strong desire, and just as well as we also have medical issues that would mean a lot of medical monitoring for me; not even sure about hubby's viability after leukemia, and connected with that, I have zero interest in being a single mother as chances are strong his leukemia will come back.  We also live far from family, so when I get really sick, if I had a child, there would be no-one to care for them (cats cope better untended for most of the day, days on end!).  Not a bunch of circumstances that recommend having offspring!  But the circumstances, as they happened, did confirm our initial thoughts that we wouldn't have kids.

And Lol, Fleabags Mum!  We also walk our 2 cats every day for an hour.  They DEMAND it and it contents them like nothing else.  And it's been such a lovely way to meet people.  The odd rude person, true, but by and large, the people who come up to you are also cat lovers - or intrigued by cats who act more like dogs - and we can have a nice little chat.  The funniest thing that happened was when my hubby was doing the walk by himself, and dressed like a thug with a beanie and sunnies and trackpants.  The police drove up and stopped!!  They soon saw the cat on the lead, which completely dissolved any appearances of thugdom rofl.

We don't get much angst in the way of people wanting/suggesting us having kids - I guess our circumstances speak ahead of us in any case.  But we are at that age when everyone else is sprogging.  It tends to diminish our friends, which is small anyway due to illness.  They get tied up in the very real demands of parenthood...and then we seem not to have much in common anymore.  With one couple we are still friends with, while it felt quite stupid having a 'connection' to 'parenting' by comparing my experiences with kittens, truely, there were many similarities (fortunately they werent insulted)!!  

I do get very annoyed with people that hold their 'parent status' as the only and ideal model - all others havent quite got there yet.  Similarly, those who think childless people have no understanding of parenting; we can be far more objective for one thing, plus while not being parents, I know kids - well teenagers - very well from teaching (still have private students), and my hubby raised several for older sisters when he was still a teenager.

Our two Korats are our ideal family!

I've never wanted kids. No interest whatsoever in taking care of them. People told me when I was in my 20s that it would change, but I haven't budged one bit and have even gravitated the other way since I've met more people who don't want kids.

parsleysage said:

 
Sounds like a lot of us in varying age ranges are childfree by choice! Iiiinnnnteresting... *strokes chin* 

Catsallaround, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I hope you are able to conceive and carry a child who I know will be very loved. 

 

 Hope nothing we said in this thread has offended you!

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Thanks.  Not offended at all  I would rather people know it isn't for them and go about preventing so there is no need for abortion or a kid to come into this world unwanted.  I know a few around here who start getting left alone VERY young and not cause mom or dad has to work.  I think those kids are prone to issues just cause they know parents do not care and are detached from a normal relationship.

My Aunt and Uncle had no kids and were the best ones growing up as they had so much free time to travel to houses of  relatives, and many stories to tell of events they had gone to within the state. 

I have never really had a strong desire to have kids. Like many others have said, nothing is more annoying than when people used to smugly assure me that I would change my mind. At least I have stopped hearing that now that I am almost 40.

I think I could have been a great Mom. I have so much love to give. Sometimes I do get sad, wondering if maybe I have missed out on an important aspect of being a woman. The way I have lived my life has removed a lot of my choices and I wonder if I would feel differently if I were financially and emotionally capable of raising a child. I have been clean for several years and although I have many regrets, having not brought a child into that horrible mess isn't one of them. I think the sadness is just melancholia about getting older and reflecting on my life so far and it's lack of grand accomplishments and direction.

I pour all of my love and maternal instincts into my pets and my husband. I always thought if at some point I did decide that I wanted to be a mother, I would adopt. There are so many children who need a loving home, I don't see the point in making new ones. Even though it sounds awful to admit out loud, the older I get, the less I like children.

After rereading this, I guess I am a waffling mess. Addiction is hell, even when you are clean.

Childless, but not by choice.

Several years back I had a very early miscarriage. At the time I didn't understand, and was incredibly devastated. In hindsight, I was in a very abusive, draining relationship at the time, and I think the stress of that played a major role. I know some people never "understand" why they miscarry or lose a child. As soon as I left my ex though, I felt like God gave me the most amazing sense of peace, and I understood that had I had that child, I would have been forever tied to a very abusive, cruel person, and a child would have suffered too. God had a better plan. I think He was telling me, "not now."

Now that several years have passed, I feel like I'm in a much better, happier place. I'm in a relationship that I love, and am very happy in now. I hope that one day we be blessed with children. I do have PCOS, but I'm doing everything I can now to take care of myself and make myself as healthy as possible. If God sees fit to bless us with a little one when the time is right and I remarry, I would love to be a mom. If not naturally, I would love to adopt.

I adore and love my animals, and they have an amazing spot in my heart. That still doesn't diminish my desire to be a mother though. I think both are incredible things. :heart2:

What an amazing thread!

I'm so impressed with how everyone can be open and say things that are perhaps difficult to bring up in many other situations.

I had two late term miscarriages and then my life changed so much that I let the whole idea go. 

No regrets, but I do understand how terribly difficult it can be for those who are unable to have children and passionately want them. 

And also how difficult it can be for those who have chosen not to and are treated oddly as a result. 

I do get annoyed, though, when people make presumptions that all woman are mothers.  Last Mothers' Day a local shop woman said to me "I suppose all your kids are grown up and have kids themselves".  A double whammy... I have kids and I'm old enough to be a grandmother.  

At least things are changing... ultimately we have a choice of lifestyle, contraception and some help with infertility.

I'm so sorry for all of you who have had miscarriages.....I can't imagine anything as painful as a miscarriage. Our DIL miscarried their first child and they were devastated. Thankfully they had two children afterward.

On the devastating topic of miscarriages,  another reason I feel guilty is because my sister and her husband have been trying desperately for a few years to have a child. She's been on off pills to try and help but she ended up having two miscarriages, and here I am, mostly likely able to conceive and don't want to. At one point, I felt so guilty that I had offered to be a surrogate mother for them. 

I too, am sorry for anyone who's miscarried.

kathyfromcanada said:

 
I don't feel I had much in common either with people who had kids, at least the ones that went on and on and on about dirty diaper's etc. I always felt excluded out of the their circle.

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I always felt excluded from my friends too when they were talking about their kids. My 2 good friends had kids younger than I'd have ever wanted any so whenever we were together they just talked about their kids. I would just sit there and say nothing. It was very awkward.

I have a daughter now though. I always wanted kids, but I wasn't sure if it would suit me since I'm not the motherly type. My daughter was very much a surprise, I was already 5 months pregnant when I found out. I love her more than anything, but I am not really "motherly" like other mothers. I don't freak out over every fall, cough, etc. I'm not creative, I don't make her clothes, she sometimes eats unhealthy foods like mac and cheese, I didn't make all of her food homemade....Moms this days seem to get put down for every little thing they do.

I really wouldn't be too concerned about not living up to some 'standard'.  As long as your child is healthy and happy that is what counts.  When mothers get together and start talking about all the things they do I sometimes think there is some one upmanship going on.  Kind of like a competition and there is at least some stretching of the truth to stay in the competition.  

Most of the women I know don't have kids.  I guess birds of a feather flock together.  :-)

I never wanted kids. My ex husband told me he couldn't have kids, and I believed him like dumb 20 year old girls do. I got pregnant, and I was miserable the whole time. After she was born I did everything a mom is supposed to do, and everyone told me I was such a great mom, but I was utterly, completely, miserable. I hated my life, I was depressed, and I grew to hate my husband. Things got worse and worse and finally I left and we divorced. I let him have custody, and I see my daughter infrequently. She's 11, and I'm happiest to just take her for a day and go do something, go have lunch. I wish I could have a relationship with her but it's just not there. But she's happy, her dad is a good dad, and she spends a lot of time with my mom as well. She has a good life.  A lot of people criticize me for letting her dad have custody, but I saw no point in fighting about it since it was really what all 3 of us wanted. Plus, it's my life, not anyone else's.

I am happier now because I am living the life I wanted to have. I'm a rather selfish person, which is probably why I didn't enjoy being a mother all the time. My cats allow me that selfishness. They don't ask for things, they don't care if I work every night and then go on a date. I love on them when I am home, and I keep the litter box clean and the food and water full. And they help with the loneliness when I'm not in a relationship (which still beats the loneliness I felt when I was married). 

I lived in fear of an accidental pregnancy when i started dating again, so while I had insurance I got my tubes tied, and I could not be happier with that decision. Not every woman is cut out to be a mother and there is nothing wrong with admitting it.

I also am uncomfortable around children. I have no desire to hold a baby, or even look at them. I don't want to be around them. I did what my kid needed to do, but since her I have fed one baby, because in laws were visiting and had triplet girls, and it was either feed a baby or listen to her cry. So I fed her until she started to smell, then traded her to her dad for one that had a clean diaper.

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This job requires a minimum 20-year commitment. Historically, the most difficult years will begin around year 13. Outcome of this job is critical since it will directly affect at least one person's life; more likely your job performance in this area will affect many more lives than that.

Candidate will have to go through 9-1/2 months of preparation before taking on the job. Prepare for nausea, inability to eat, bloating, pain, discomfort, major body changes (some will be permanent), extreme fatigue, and possibly months of bed rest. Serious medical complications, including life-threatening ones, are also a possibility. 

Help and guidance from others may or may not be available.  Successful candidate may add a partner to help with duties, so choose carefully. Keep in mind that your efforts in all areas will be generally underappreciated. You may even experience scorn from strangers if you can't keep all the "balls in the air" 100% of the time.

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SwampWitch said:

Job Posting

Click to expand...

You forgot one crucial qualification: Test of endurance only applicable to half the population.

TrevandBur

Amazing that you were able to do what you did considering so many use the child in divorce.  So glad she was able to be raised by dad given the situation.

It may not be the "normal thing" but in end giving the best shot of a happy childhood is WAY more important then who normally has full custody.

My only thing if I ever do have a kid is I KNOW I am not one to do the entire moms bonding/baby classes.  It would drive me nuts to hear my kid is sleeping xx hours at xx weeks and all one upping.  My focus would be the baby but maybe different then many.  My mom personally did the PTA and the like but was always in the background as it just was not her thing either.

parsleysage said:

 
I do agree with you about STD's - was going to mention something about it but figured I would keep it limited to pregnancy prevention to stay OT. The advice that childfree women shouldn't get IUDs is very outdated and most younger doctors are strong advocates for them as well as Planned Parenthood which is where I got my Mirena inserted. There is a new one on the market called Skyla which is smaller (only lasts 3 years vs. 5 years for Mirena or 10-12 years for Paragard) and is recommended for nulliparous women. To prevent unwanted pregnancies and lower STDs we need to take a multi-pronged approach that would include condoms, IUDs, education, teaching kids to delay sex, and changing cultural narratives about women's sexuality (among other things). 

Weight gain, low libido, and depression are the side effects I've heard from friends are associated with Depo. Yeesh. I didn't have many side effects from the Pill (I was on generic ortho-cyclen) except the couple weeks I was on it I felt like I was totally out of control of my emotions. I struggle with mild mental illness so that was hard for me but it evened out eventually back to "my normal." 

Click to expand...

I`m on depo - LOVE IT. It is seriously the best BC I've ever been on. Didn't gain weight, didn't get depressed (Yaz on contrast made me crazy). My libido is a little lower that usual but that's ok since I'm not seeing anyone right now anyway lol. Seriously depo is the best thing that's ever happened to me.