Childless by choice/Childfree

fhicat

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This is an interesting (albeit depressing) topic. I just asked my parents what they thought, but they said they'd do it again. Maybe I should get someone who isn't their kid to ask though. lol.

As for me, I haven't really thought about it. I am with Pam though; I enjoy intellectual conversations and I'm not a fan of kids, and I really dislike teenagers. :cringe:
 
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blueyedgirl5946

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I think it is great that this subject can be discussed so honestly. It is a personal choice and I think if women don't want children, they should feel no obligation to have them. I have no problem with birth control because it prevents unwanted children.
 

catsallaround

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Childless by forces beyond my control.

I got pregnant in May this year and miscarried at 9 or 10 weeks in July.  I am not dealing well at all with it.  I did all the right things and yet...yeah.

Plan was always to have a few kids and share the love of animals. Don't know what will happen at this point.
 

sivyaleah

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I have no children either.  I've been married twice, and am currently with the 3rd of my long term relationships.

With my first husband, he suddenly said to family members one day, that he didn't want kids.  I had NO idea that he felt that way.  So, of course my sisters told me this.  It was the nail in the coffin of what was not a good relationship and frankly, the thought of him being a father did make me nervous.  I left him soon after.

My second husband, a very nice guy who genuinely enjoys the company of kids, had what they call motility problems.  In other words, they were not swimmers.  We went through some rounds of artificial insemination which didn't take, and when it came down to going further into treatments which might have, we both called it quits.  I was able to give myself the tiny shots needed but if we did anything more aggressive to conceive the shots needed were much larger, and had to be given in an area of my body I could not reach.  And he, was really intimated by having to be the one doing it for me.  As it turned out, he too wasn't great father material and I'm very happy we didn't have children.

My current relationship, well, now we're too old lol.  He has kids from a prior marriage,only one of who he speaks with.  She's my surrogate "kid", although she's in her 30's.  She lost her mom a couple of years back (his ex) and really likes me a lot, so she calls me "mom", which is cute.  But honestly, I realized a very long time ago that even though all of my family thought I would have made the best mom of all us siblings, in actuality, I liked them the least as I got older.  I really enjoy infants, and toddlers but once they start to get bigger forget it.  I have little patience, and I think I am too hedonistic to have made a good mom.  Very responsible, but enjoy my "me" time far too much - plus I would have been tied to two men I no longer care to think about.

Had I met my current guy earlier on - maybe this would have been different but I have NO regrets about not having had them.  At all.

As for the pet/cat connection - I didn't have any (well, my first ex had a cat, but she was his before we met so when I left, she was still his) through my life until I met my BF - who is a real animal lover.  But I do have to say that having the 2 kitties we do now, is a little bit of a consolation prize for me lol.  
 

larussa

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Wow I am blown away about how many of you don't want kids..  That is why I sent the OP a private message not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings.  I am very uncomfortable around kids, just never have anything to say to them.

I have told this to many people:  if someone walked into a room with a baby and one with a dog or cat, I would go directly to the person holding the animal with just a look  at the baby.  Sorry but that's the way I am, can't change it either.  I just feel more comfortable around an animal then a kid, it's always been that way with me.
 

sivyaleah

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Childless by forces beyond my control.

I got pregnant in May this year and miscarried at 9 or 10 weeks in July.  I am not dealing well at all with it.  I did all the right things and yet...yeah.

Plan was always to have a few kids and share the love of animals. Don't know what will happen at this point.
 for you.  So sorry for your loss, and continuing difficulties.
 

peaches08

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Wow I am blown away about how many of you don't want kids..  That is why I sent the OP a private message not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings.  I am very uncomfortable around kids, just never have anything to say to them.

I have told this to many people:  if someone walked into a room with a baby and one with a dog or cat, I would go directly to the person holding the animal with just a look  at the baby.  Sorry but that's the way I am, can't change it either.  I just feel more comfortable around an animal then a kid, it's always been that way with me.
I'd go straight for the animal too. There's nothing wrong with feeling that way.

The very first baby I ever held in my life was in pediatrics clinical at 39 years old. The kicker about it is it was an out of state adoption by two gay men. One was a nurse practitioner and the other was a lawyer. Yeah, no pressure in looking like I know what I'm doing! I flat out asked my clinical instructor, "Are you mad at me about something?":lol3:
 

goholistic

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My immediate family is accepting of me not wanting kids. My parents are very supportive, and feel that having children is not right for everybody. My sister teases me, and when her kids are acting up she'll look at me and say, "Don't you want one?" We laugh, and I say, "No."  My aunts, uncles, cousins, etc., and even my girlfriends, think it's weird that I don't want kids. I think it's fascinating that they have this overwhelming desire to have them. I do think I'm wired differently, and people have said I'm like a man in a woman's body. 


I think its unkind for those who want/have kids to say that us those who don't want them are selfish. In fact, I think it's quite the opposite. I think it takes guts and a lot of self reflection to say you don't want kids. Selfishness can be part of the decision, but as we can see from this thread, people have a lot of reasons for not wanting children. I think its better to know yourself and come to this reality than to end up in a place you don't want to be and have it affect the child.

Now, those who want children, but can't have them, is a totally different situation. @catsallaround, I'm so sorry you miscarried. I hope things work out for you if you decide to try again. 
I have several close friends who have been in this situation, and it took quite a toll on them emotionally. Lots of vibes that you can find the support and strength you need to get through this. 
 

pamela

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Hi. I haven't been on this forum for a long time! I just happened to read this thread and wanted to reply to this.

I grew up wanting/expecting to get married and have children since that is what's expected. However, as I got older and older and older and in no romatnic relationship, my desire to have children have waned to ZERO!!

I am now 42 years old and have NO DESIRE to have children.

It drives me nuts how people would look at me with pity when they ask if I am married and/or have kids and I say no to both. I also hate it when they say how they don't understand why I'm not married since they think I am so great, cute, blah blah blah. I know it's their attempt to make me feel better but really it's better just to say nothing. Another thing that annoys me is a common phrase which some of you have already said "You will feel differently once you have your own kid." Heck NO!

I do wish I could be in a romantic relationship/get married at least but honestly, I do not think that will happen.

Funny story- I was holding a great neice (baby) in my arms at a family dinner and one of my neices who has a reputation of saying what she thinks looked at me and said "Pamela, you don't look right with a baby in your arms. A cat in your arms looks right but not a baby." That blew me away- she was about 6 or 7 at that time and I looked at my family and said wow- she's SMART! LOL.

My family have pretty much given up on me having kids- they'd compain when I was in my 20's and 30's but I'd often reply with comments such as - you already have grandkids from my brother and sister so be happy with that!

I believe that if people wants to have kids, they should.  If people do NOT want to have kids, they shouldn't be looked down on or scolded.

I saw a letter on a friend's facebook which I LOVE and will share here. It's a letter thanking women who choose NOT to have kids!

http://thoughtcatalog.com/abby-rosmarin/2013/12/to-the-women-who-choose-not-to-have-kids/
To The Women Who Choose Not To Have Kids

Dec. 21, 2013
By Abby Rosmarin




To the women who choose not to have kids, I have one thing to say: thank you.

You probably don’t hear it enough. In fact, you probably don’t hear it at all. What you do hear is an array of pro-childbearing responses, such as, “You’ll change your mind someday,” or, “Doesn’t your mother want grandkids?” or, “You’ll never find a husband if you never want to have kids.”

All things considered, “thank you” is probably on the opposite end of what you hear.

But seriously: thank you. Thank you for recognizing that childrearing isn’t for you and being true to who you are. It doesn’t mean you hate kids. It just means that raising one is not part of your path in life.

Thank you for not succumbing to the societal pressures. I’ve known far too many parents who had kids because that’s what was expected of them ....
 
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kookycats

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We don't have kids either. Just never happened and it was never a major goal for me. Don't get me wrong - I love kids, and maybe if we had them I would have felt differently. I think a lot was that a grew up in a poor home My mom was a widow and I grew up with her struggling financially. Hand-me-down clothing, etc. No luxuries To me eating out was a hot dog! Anyway, when I went to work and was able to do more for myelf financially I guess that changed my thinking. When we married, Paul was a hairdresser and money was never in great quantities. When he went into sales money was never a steady thing either. So between the two of us we managed to save, be fairly frugual. So now while we don't have a lot, we do have a house all paid for, some IRA investments, no bills, etc. If we had children our life may not be been the way it is now. Anyway, that's my story. My cats are my children and Paul's favorite saying is "kids don't talk back".
 

betsygee

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Hi. I haven't been on this forum for a long time! I just happened to read this thread and wanted to reply to this.

I grew up wanting/expecting to get married and have children since that is what's expected. However, as I got older and older and older and in no romatnic relationship, my desire to have children have waned to ZERO!!

I am now 42 years old and have NO DESIRE to have children.

It drives me nuts how people would look at me with pity when they ask if I am married and/or have kids and I say no to both. I also hate it when they say how they don't understand why I'm not married since they think I am so great, cute, blah blah blah. I know it's their attempt to make me feel better but really it's better just to say nothing. Another thing that annoys me is a common phrase which some of you have already said "You will feel differently once you have your own kid." Heck NO!

I do wish I could be in a romantic relationship/get married at least but honestly, I do not think that will happen.

Funny story- I was holding a great neice (baby) in my arms at a family dinner and one of my neices who has a reputation of saying what she thinks looked at me and said "Pamela, you don't look right with a baby in your arms. A cat in your arms looks right but not a baby." That blew me away- she was about 6 or 7 at that time and I looked at my family and said wow- she's SMART! LOL.

My family have pretty much given up on me having kids- they'd compain when I was in my 20's and 30's but I'd often reply with comments such as - you already have grandkids from my brother and sister so be happy with that!

I believe that if people wants to have kids, they should.  If people do NOT want to have kids, they shouldn't be looked down on or scolded.

I saw a letter on a friend's facebook which I LOVE and will share here. It's a letter thanking women who choose NOT to have kids!

http://thoughtcatalog.com/abby-rosmarin/2013/12/to-the-women-who-choose-not-to-have-kids/
To The Women Who Choose Not To Have Kids

Dec. 21, 2013
By Abby Rosmarin




To the women who choose not to have kids, I have one thing to say: thank you.

You probably don’t hear it enough. In fact, you probably don’t hear it at all. What you do hear is an array of pro-childbearing responses, such as, “You’ll change your mind someday,” or, “Doesn’t your mother want grandkids?” or, “You’ll never find a husband if you never want to have kids.”

All things considered, “thank you” is probably on the opposite end of what you hear.

But seriously: thank you. Thank you for recognizing that childrearing isn’t for you and being true to who you are. It doesn’t mean you hate kids. It just means that raising one is not part of your path in life.

Thank you for not succumbing to the societal pressures. I’ve known far too many parents who had kids because that’s what was expected of them.
Wow, thanks, Pamela, for posting this letter!  
 
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carebearbaby1

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"The only good kid is someone else's." Maybe I'll change my mind one day, I'm only 28, but right now I'm happy with my sweet, quiet furbabies.
 

kathyfromcanada

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Yes I've always know I wasn't parent material. Lol. 
My husband is the same. I really enjoy my nieces and nephews but it just wasn't for us. There is a lot of judgement on people who don't have 

children by choice. My niece who has a child told me she got just as much flack for only having one child and not more. Bottom line, it's nobody's business. It's a lifestyle choice. Either way.

We know we made the right decision.

We have 4 cat's and that's a big enough family to take care of anyway's!
 

natalie_ca

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  I promised myself that if I should ever change my mind, that I would adopt or do something to give existing children a chance at a better life.
Same here.  But I never got that desire either.  Though as I've grown older, I've "adopted" younger friends that I take under my wing. I'm second Mom to a few people.
 

angels mommy

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I am childless, but not by choice. I always thought that I would get married & have a couple of children, but that never happened.  Now, at 43, it's a matter of timing.  Even if that "one" came into my life this coming year, I do not think I would want to have a child at my age. (IF I could still, ..don't know).  (besides, my age + my high B.P.,( that I do take meds. for), prob. not a good idea).  

  I wouldn't have the energy to raise a child now, like when I was younger.  I've had 3 serious long term relationships, but they all were "bad timing." (So, I guess they weren't the right ones).

 At this point, & age, I have come to terms w/ the fact that I will not have children, & unlike when I was younger, I am totally fine with it. 

Sometimes I would feel a little sad, wondering if I missed out on it, how it would have been to have even one, how they would be, look, etc.......

I know my parents probably would have liked more grandchildren, but have never really said anything to me to make me feel bad. (My sister who is 3 yrs younger, has a 18 & 20 yr. old). 

I think only a couple of times my dad said he wished I'd get married & have a couple of kids, but I promptly told him that anyone could do that, but I wasn't going to "settle," that I'd rather be happy.

Living in a small, but not too small town it's hard to fine someone , just mostly filled w/ college students & retirees. Most in my age range are married, or like 2 exes, have already been & not looking to again!

(Besides hard to find my "type" around here.  ....Boris Kojoe, Lenny Kravitz, Michael Ealy.....)

In the past, I had thought about adoption, but never really had the means, & wasn't something I wanted to "tackle" on my own w/ out a husband.  

I also believe in what is supposed to happen, happens.  Yes, we have free will, & because Of that,  there are a few paths we could have taken & all turn out differently, but being a christian, I know that God knows what is in my heart, & what I need, (like guiding Angel to me!
 ) & what I am capable of handling.  I believe that If I am meant to meet that person, he will put them into my life.  I am fine with things because ultimately, I trust in him. 

I will always have fur babies though!!! 
 
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fleabags mom

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I was too busy with my career in my 20's and at age 30 I was struck with ovarian cancer so now am unable to have children. Luckily for me it wasn't a massive issue as never been hugely clucky and my partner also didn't want kids. The only time I had a wobble was when my friends started having children and then I felt I had nothing in common with them any more as they seemed unable to talk about anything else.

I do walk my cat every day because the cat likes me to. We just go for a stroll together around the streets, or we play football & he climbs tree's in the church behind the house. I've had perfect strangers come up and talk to me then say I must not have any children because I spoil my cat. It's not been said in a kind way. The last one who said something I told her off and said it wasn't acceptable to make personal remarks or presume she knew me or my situation.  She apologised a lot and hopefully she'll keep her mouth shut in future. I don't see what the issue is - I walked our family dogs all my life and nobody batted an eyelid. Just because it's a cat, a quirky fun cat who asks me to go with him at least once a day and it seems to be seen as sad or I am trying to make up for not having kids. In reality, I just love animals, all animals and will do whatever I can to make their lives nice. Done it with all the animals I've ever had and it's not a child issue! Anyone with an ounce of intelligence will realise that you cannot replace a child with an animal!  Rant over ;-)
 

kathyfromcanada

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I think you were right in telling her off. I don't feel I had much in common either with people who had kids, at least the ones that went on and on and on about dirty diaper's etc. I always felt excluded out of the their circle.

I think it's also in some cases,, jealousy that you have more time to spend on your pet's and your life in general. I wouldn't have changed a thing either. And no I didn't regret not having any children either. 
 

denice

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I was too busy with my career in my 20's and at age 30 I was struck with ovarian cancer so now am unable to have children. Luckily for me it wasn't a massive issue as never been hugely clucky and my partner also didn't want kids. The only time I had a wobble was when my friends started having children and then I felt I had nothing in common with them any more as they seemed unable to talk about anything else.

I do walk my cat every day because the cat likes me to. We just go for a stroll together around the streets, or we play football & he climbs tree's in the church behind the house. I've had perfect strangers come up and talk to me then say I must not have any children because I spoil my cat. It's not been said in a kind way. The last one who said something I told her off and said it wasn't acceptable to make personal remarks or presume she knew me or my situation.  She apologised a lot and hopefully she'll keep her mouth shut in future. I don't see what the issue is - I walked our family dogs all my life and nobody batted an eyelid. Just because it's a cat, a quirky fun cat who asks me to go with him at least once a day and it seems to be seen as sad or I am trying to make up for not having kids. In reality, I just love animals, all animals and will do whatever I can to make their lives nice. Done it with all the animals I've ever had and it's not a child issue! Anyone with an ounce of intelligence will realise that you cannot replace a child with an animal!  Rant over ;-)
I don't understand people who feel they have the right to make remarks about someone's choice as to having children or not.  It's like people have this idea that there is a group of unborn children and if someone chooses not to have children then one of those babies won't have a life.  I have always just left it alone with someone who doesn't have children.  Either they chose to not have children which is a perfectly fine choice or they are unable to have children and they don't need to have someone throwing it in their face.
 

kookycats

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Just was reading thru the above posts and realized I quoted something wrong: Should be that Paul's favorite saying is "cats don't talk back". I wrote "kids don't talk back" by mistake.
 
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