HELP! don't know how to calm down the situation

docwho12

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Hi guys.

So, I'm almost 19 and I'm on my first year of college. I have always been very attached to my family and always "obeying" them. But as I was coming close to my 18-th bday I wanted things to change because I was feeling like they were controlling my life more than they should. I also have a bigger sister, she is 26 now and we always argue because she is really too much controlling sometimes, even more than my mother!! 

I am in a relationship for like 3 moths now(I've known him for years), and my boyfriend and her don't get along very well... (he is almost 21) I think she kinda hates him, for I don't know what reason. My friends (except one of them) don't like him eather and I don't know why... I know he is not really "hot" guy or whatever, and he is kinda my height, or just a bit shorter, but if I don't mind that, why do they mind?? Is it a logical reason not to like someone just because of he looks to you? 

whatever, the big problem was yesterday. we are used to see each other everyday and they all say that this is too much, and we shouldn't. My father has been hospitalized for almost 3 weeks now and I don't really have much time to do many things, but still we find the time to see each other. Last night, we wanted to go out or sth, but it was a bit too cold and we didn't even know where to go... 

so, my bf had the idea of coming over(my mum is in UK right now, so I was alone with my sister at home) with pizza and coke and watch a movie the three of us or sth. As soon as i tell my sister the idea, she jumps off and starts saying me things I never imagined she thought... she called us immature and that it really wasn't the time to go out, that i had other priorities right now. and even that OUR FAMILY had other way of thinking and doing things and that even her boyfriend (they had been together for 7 years) said no when she said him to come over. 

she said that she didn't knew where we found the courage to do like we do. I felt really bad and I still haven't said a word to my bf, but I really don't know if it's us wrong, or it's my family that has a strange way of keeping me under control. (my parents don't know nothing for my relationship, yet)
I know that maybe it wasn't the best time and that she had a lot to do because of my father, but i really don't understand her way of thinking! 

sometimes i think she is just jealous because i get to see my bf everyday and i am this close with him, even why we've been together for only 3 months. she hardly sees her bf once a week or maybe 15 days and I've never seen them kissing in front of me!!! they have 7 years together, for god's sake! 

what should I do, because I don't to rise the tension with my sister, and i don't want my bf to hate her now. who has right and who is wrong? how can i get away of this sick control from my family?? :(
 

kittylove542

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You're certainly in a pickle! I wonder if the stress of your fathers health is just stressing your sister out and she is taking it out on you? (Sorry to hear that btw) Can you sit her down and ask her what her reasoning is behind her dislike for your bf and tell her how it's all making you feel? Nothing beats talking it out to end all the assumptions and heart ache.. I couldn't imagine that the way your bf looks being the cause of it all. I'm sure she wants the best for you and is looking out for you but I would try talking it out and explaining yourself very clearly in hopes of working it out. I've been in relationships where my family doesn't approve and it certainly makes it difficult, even if it wasn't a great situation and they had their reasons and were even right in some scenarios, I still did what I wanted and learnt a lot from it and it made me who I am today.. it's all a learning process right!? :)
 

swampwitch

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Okay well it's always tough to get an idea of a situation from a few sentences, but from what you wrote, here are my thoughts:

You need to communicate with your friends and your sister. They need to tell you why they don't like your boyfriend. It's possible they know something you don't, and you should listen to them. Don't assume it is because of his looks - not everyone is that shallow.

I'm sure you have reasons for hiding your boyfriend from your parents, but that is something kids do, not adults. If he is an important person in your life, your family deserves to know. Come clean, don't hide things. If you don't want your parents to know you are dating him, you need to re-evaluate dating him.

You don't say if you live at home or not, but if so, you should be paying something to compensate for living there, or at least buying groceries now and then. If your school work load makes a job impossible, you need to be sure you are helping around the house often and consistently. An extra person adds to the mess and the cleanup.

If you are living at home and sticking with the agreement for living there, then your sister and your parents cannot dictate when your boyfriend can visit. Unless they give a good reason, adults don't tell adults when their friends can come over.

I'm sorry to hear your father is not well. Please keep in mind people have different reactions to this kind of stress, and your family might be lashing out with misplaced anger. You might be doing that to them, too.

If worse comes to worse, you can move out. Apply for loans and grants, and get a job to put yourself through university. Throw all you have into it, study, work, and make good grades. You can do it if you really want, I did it, twice. Good luck!
 
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nurseangel

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I am sorry to hear about your father, too.  As said above, the stress could be making your sister more emotional.  I would ask my friends and family why they don't like my boyfriend.  If they are bold enough to tell you they don't like him, they should not mind providing their reasons.  It's possible they're picking up on something that you're not.  My cousin had a boyfriend that none of the family could stand.  Everyone told her that after they broke up, and she said she'd wished we told her sooner.  (He was rude in general and their arguments turned to physical violence sometimes.)  However, like you said, it could be a jealously issue.  Never underestimate the power of a guy who treats you really well to make other people jealous.  Good luck with this situation and if anyone makes remarks about your boyfriend, you can always politely tell them that you're very happy with him.  That's not exactly the way I would tell them, but in the interest of keeping peace, it's probably best not to do as I would do.
 
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