Problems with my boyfriend

mservant · Nov 5, 2013

No lectures from me: I've done my fair share of coming and going over the years and no right to judge anyone!

My friends are the ones who supported me through what ever I did, whether they agreed with it or not. Currently living a peaceful life with a single cat and I'm sure there are plenty people out there willing to criticise and lecture me too but each to their own, my friends know who I am and how I got here. Hope you are as lucky.

Stay strong, stay positive, stay safe, and stay self aware.

fhicat · Nov 5, 2013

Sonadora:

Many hugs for you. You are a good person with a big heart to give him a chance like that. Happy to hear you have thought this very thoroughly. Hoping things will work great for you from now!

natalie_ca · Nov 5, 2013

No lectures from me. It's your life, and one day you will learn, even if it will be the hard way.

What you described is the basic cycle of abuse.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse

For you it isn't physical abuse (yet), but he is emotionally abusing you, and the longer you stay, the more psychological damage is being done to you.

http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/self-help-brochures/relationship-problems/emotional-abuse/

Years back I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. It eventually progressed to physical abuse. I stayed because I felt sorry for him. I stayed because he would apologize and things would be peachy for awhile, and then not so peachy. He would apologize and make promises, and so the cycle went on.

I managed to get out before he killed me. The day I left him he ran into the garage and was stringing up a rope over the rafters yelling that he was going to hang himself if I left. That tactic worked a lot in the past. That day I just kept right on walking down the street to the main road, and caught a bus to a friends.

He didn't hang himself. However, he did stalk me for 6 months. At the time I worked the night shift at 7-11 a bunch of bikers from a local motor cycle gang (later they joined up with the Hell's Angel's so they were no simple motorcycle club). Anyway, several used to sit in my parking lot at night. They would bring their own cups and I would give them free coffee, soda and slurpees all night (7-11 counts cups, not product), and they would keep me company and even help out cleaning the parking lot and taking out the garbage for me. Nice guys really.

One day one of them came in and told me that a car was across the street in an empty garage parking lot, watching the store. I told him it was my ex-fiance. He asked if I wanted them to go and "chat" with him. I thought about it and told them just CHATTING, no rough stuff.

My ex never bothered me again after that. Don't really know what they said to him, and I don't want to know. And yes, he is still alive! LOL

I just hope you get out before it's too late.

stephanietx · Nov 5, 2013

I'm sorry you're going through this, but you are much better off without him. Who needs that constant stress of not being accepted "as is"? Praying for you as you decide where to go from here and as you move on with your life.

peaches08 · Nov 5, 2013

I have to admit that I wondered when you would take him back. I'm not judging you; I've done it myself and have supported close friends through it. I agree with Natalie; I hope you look into help for yourself before his goes too far. Reading Codependent No More really opened my eyes...

stewball · Nov 5, 2013

I think I knew you would go back. I think he knew it too. These people know which buttons to push.
I'm worried for the next time he makes a nasty comment and it'll be worse. Still I hope I'm wrong but keep a bag packed. Good luck and keep in touch.

sonadora · Nov 5, 2013

MServant said:
my friends know who I am and how I got here. Hope you are as lucky.

Stay strong, stay positive, stay safe, and stay self aware.

Thank you, MServant. I am also lucky to have supportive friends.

Fhi09 said:
Sonadora:

Many hugs for you. You are a good person with a big heart to give him a chance like that. Happy to hear you have thought this very thoroughly. Hoping things will work great for you from now!

thanks! I'm also confident that no matter what everything is going to be just fine. ^_^

Natalie_ca said:
No lectures from me. It's your life, and one day you will learn, even if it will be the hard way.

What you described is the basic cycle of abuse.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse

For you it isn't physical abuse (yet), but he is emotionally abusing you, and the longer you stay, the more psychological damage is being done to you.

http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/self-help-brochures/relationship-problems/emotional-abuse/

Natalie, thank you for sharing your story. To be sure, I hear you loud and clear. Look forward to a PM from me.

stephanietx said:
I'm sorry you're going through this, but you are much better off without him. Who needs that constant stress of not being accepted "as is"? Praying for you as you decide where to go from here and as you move on with your life.

Thank y ou, stephanie. If you have any more concerns, please feel free to contact/PM me anytime.

peaches08 said:
I have to admit that I wondered when you would take him back. I'm not judging you; I've done it myself and have supported close friends through it. I agree with Natalie; I hope you look into help for yourself before his goes too far. Reading Codependent No More really opened my eyes...

Peaches, I hear you as well. Look forward to a PM from me.

goholistic · Nov 5, 2013

No judging here either. But I will put a different twist on my response.

Let's say it works out, boyfriend turns out to be a saint, and you live happily ever after.

I hope you will both work together as a team to be happy AND healthy. A committed, long-term relationship is a partnership. You should both make efforts to love each other, respectfully work through your problems together, keep the relationship exciting and fulfilling, eat fresh, well-balanced meals, stay active outdoors, and exercise not only your body, but your mind and soul. Open up your hearts to try new things and create unique experiences for yourselves. It may be fun to do things together than neither of you have done before, and may even help to rekindle your relationship.

I wish you the best of luck!

sivyaleah · Nov 6, 2013

I too can not judge as I also spent far too long in relationship(s) where I should have left sooner. I learned over the years that you only can go when you are ready. No amount of others telling you what to do will really help you make your decision. We can only give you our advice, tell you our stories and hope you hear them and take them to heart.

Like Natalie, the worst of which was fairly abusive mentally and verbally. The day I left, I was terrified he would get his gun out, which was kept in the bedroom. Not that he ever threatened himself or me with it previously but because I knew he was not in a good mental state in general, and me telling him I was leaving in the middle of an awful fight pushed him clear off the edge. I spent a nerve wracked hour before my parents were able to get me (I had no car, he never let me use his) wondering if he would kill himself over me leaving.

The next year was spent trying to get divorced while he too, stalked me periodically. Even his mother would send strange packages of memorabilia with screwy notes on them. I'm Jewish, and he utterly refused to give me what is called a Get, a Jewish divorce. To this day, I am still technically married to him religiously and it's been like 30 years or so (ok that made me laugh, I can't believe that many years have passed!).

You seem like you have your head in a good place and have thought things out, recognizing the potential positives and negatives. Some people, can change when they realize how hurtful they are being to another person. I hope for your sake your boyfriend is genuinely this type of person. But in my experience, even those who make promises to change, like my 2nd ex who went to therapy and everything to no avail, frequently don't have the motivation or desire to better themselves. But I do agree that almost everyone is deserving of a second chance. I know I'd like to be given that courtesy as well.

Good luck, and know that you have a group of people here who are concerned and here for you whenever you need us.

stewball · Nov 6, 2013

sivyaleah said:
I too can not judge as I also spent far too long in relationship(s) where I should have left sooner. I learned over the years that you only can go when you are ready. No amount of others telling you what to do will really help you make your decision. We can only give you our advice, tell you our stories and hope you hear them and take them to heart.

Like Natalie, the worst of which was fairly abusive mentally and verbally. The day I left, I was terrified he would get his gun out, which was kept in the bedroom. Not that he ever threatened himself or me with it previously but because I knew he was not in a good mental state in general, and me telling him I was leaving in the middle of an awful fight pushed him clear off the edge. I spent a nerve wracked hour before my parents were able to get me (I had no car, he never let me use his) wondering if he would kill himself over me leaving.

The next year was spent trying to get divorced while he too, stalked me periodically. Even his mother would send strange packages of memorabilia with screwy notes on them. I'm Jewish, and he utterly refused to give me what is called a Get, a Jewish divorce. To this day, I am still technically married to him religiously and it's been like 30 years or so (ok that made me laugh, I can't believe that many years have passed!).

You seem like you have your head in a good place and have thought things out, recognizing the potential positives and negatives. Some people, can change when they realize how hurtful they are being to another person. I hope for your sake your boyfriend is genuinely this type of person. But in my experience, even those who make promises to change, like my 2nd ex who went to therapy and everything to no avail, frequently don't have the motivation or desire to better themselves. But I do agree that almost everyone is deserving of a second chance. I know I'd like to be given that courtesy as well.

Good luck, and know that you have a group of people here who are concerned and here for you whenever you need us.

You know in this day and age and I feel you are happy not to get married let him keep his stupid get and .... where the sun don't shine besides which you would die if hysterical laughter having our Jewish divorces. They are ridiculous and still out of the dark ages.

stewball · Nov 6, 2013

Sonadora just remember we are here for you whenever you need us for whatever purpose. To vent. To cry. To celebrate. Anything. Ok?

asherdash · Nov 7, 2013

It took me a long time to get out of that situation,no harsh words from me.Hope things are going well for you

Problems with my boyfriend

mservant

The Mouse servant

fhicat

TCS Member

natalie_ca

TCS Member

stephanietx

TCS Member

peaches08

TCS Member

stewball

TCS Member

sonadora

TCS Member

Thread starter

goholistic

TCS Member

sivyaleah

TCS Member

stewball

TCS Member

stewball

TCS Member

asherdash

TCS Member

Latest Posts

Connect with us