Hi everyone! So I have some really BIG CONTROVERSIAL NEWS. I don't expect everyone to agree or understand what's happened and why I came to the conclusion that I did, but I will try to lay it all out and in a concise manner!
PLEASE read everything before posting! (Hint - the bold type makes a good summary!)
So. Sunday night I asked my boyfriend to meet me. I was going to end it finally. I had changed my mind about our living situation, and I wanted to ask him for his key back. I put all his (remaining) stuff in a bag and got ready to give him the boot. I'm not going to lie, even at this stage I was hesitant, though I knew what had to be done. In short, I prepared for the worst but hoped for the best.
But then he surprised me. He was contrite, knew that what he had said was way out of line, apologized, admitted to acting like a , was ashamed of himself and afraid of how I would look at him. I honestly hadn't expected any of that. Now, I can already hear some responses to this, that of course he's going to say whatever needs to be said, that I need to take it with a grain of salt, etc, etc. And that is absolutely correct. But with little to no prior evidence of abusive and controlling behavior (this pretty much came out of NOWHERE, a COMPLETE 180 from when we started dating) I'm hesitant to judge too quickly.
So, I made the very controversial decision to take him back. Yes, I know. Shocker. Take deep breaths. I could go into the cliches that everyone deserves a second chance, that only I know his heart and who he is on the inside, and how he's really a good person, blah blah blah. But the truth is that I empathize with him. I've struggled with depression for the better part of 10 years, so I have my inner demons, too. Ones that try to turn me into someone I'm not and don't want to be: paranoid, afraid, and incapable of accepting love. His struggles with himself, while outwardly different, are fundamentally the same as mine: he struggles with his self-image and how he wants to be seen by other people (I think the blame here can be partly based on his military training but that's a whole other psychic breakdown). The key here is that I understand they are his problems, and furthermore I understand how difficult that can be.
So, on the one hand, I really do want this to work. I really do. Insert tons of mushy romantic memories here. We work well together when we are both in happy states of minds (or at least one of us is). He's had to witness some of the scarier moments of my depression, moments that would normally make people run screaming for the hills, and we both have too much invested in this.
That being said, on the other hand, I know what I'm worth and I am not afraid to walk away. I made sure to communicate this to him, that I deserve to be loved for who I am (flaws and all) and that if he can't do that I will find someone who will. Simple as that. I even have an action plan, now, in case I ever need it. I went all the way to the edge of single-dom and I am not afraid to go there again, because I'm worth it.
So what now? Well, we agreed to take it slow. Whatever that means. For me, rent and the other bills have been paid through the end of November, and I see that as a convenient trial-period. What he told me in our meeting was nice and all, but talk is cheap. If I even suspect any sort of transgression from the "straight and narrow" then I'm gone.
I'm confident that whatever happens from here on out is meant to be. If this works, and I get t hat fairy tale happy ending, then awesome. If it doesn't, then I'll write him off as another twat-waffle not worth my time and move on to bigger and better things. Either way, I can wash my hands clean and be sure that I gave it my all.
Yes, I really did call him a twat-waffle. I went there. I was hoping we could laugh but sadly that was not the case. So far, it's been good, and I honestly don't plan on changing my routine very much. I am still focusing on the things that make me happy : painting, reading, writing, my kitties.
I refuse to stress about him and his stuff, because it's his stuff to work out. I refuse to live in fear, either of my self-image or even of this very controversial decision. I understand everyone is going to have their own opinions of what I should and shouldn't have done, but the bottom line is what I want. And for right now this is it. HOWEVER if you do have any concerns at all, please do not hesitate to share them with me! I will remain open-minded about all of this, I just ask that if you have serious objections to PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE PM ME. I will return correspondence to the best of my ability, I just don't want to clog up the forums with all of this non-kitty related business!
Again, a big thank you to everyone for their continued support and encouragement.
Don't worry about me, I learned everything I know from the independent free spirits that are my feline friends.
So much love,