Problems with my boyfriend

sonadora · Oct 31, 2013

This is not going to be a happy post but if hope no one minds if I let some feelings out here.

I will keep this brief. My boyfriend confessed to me that he isn't attracted to me because I'm overweight and it is " ruining our relationship" I put on 30 pounds since I met him and have lost half of it since August but that is just. " body fluctuations" and I'm "not trying hard enough."

I left. I'm en route to a friends' house.

I do want to be healthy. But love should be unconditional.

Thank you

tammat · Nov 1, 2013

sonadora said:
This is not going to be a happy post but if hope no one minds if I let some feelings out here.

I will keep this brief. My boyfriend confessed to me that he isn't attracted to me because I'm overweight and it is " ruining our relationship" I put on 30 pounds since I met him and have lost half of it since August but that is just. " body fluctuations" and I'm "not trying hard enough."

I left. I'm en route to a friends' house.

I do want to be healthy. But love should be unconditional.

Thank you

True love goes much deeper than how we look. Your boyfriend is not being very nice. Let your feelings out. We are here to listen. A big hug from me to you.

sonadora · Nov 1, 2013

Thank you Tammat. -hug-

He said he was tired of looking at a fat girl and also that it's my fault for waking up every day "choosing to be fat."

I don't even want to try and talk to him anymore. Just want him to go ahead and leave me alone.

AbbysMom · Nov 1, 2013

My words for your boyfriend are not kind at all and would get my banned here.

I'm glad you have a friend nearby to help you out. :hugs:

Do you and your boyfriend live together?

As Tammat said, we are hear to listen. :hugs:

Winchester · Nov 1, 2013

Sonadora, he needs a good smack up alongside the head.

That's emotional abuse and you don't need to listen to it. You don't need to put up with it. And you're better than that. Don't ever think you're not.

Draco · Nov 1, 2013

I am glad you left him. If he's that shallow, then he's not worth it. You will find a guy who will appreciate you for who you are, not what you look like

sivyaleah · Nov 1, 2013

Sonodora, huge congratulations on the weight loss you've managed thus far. Second, kudos for leaving before it dragged on and he really made you feel bad about yourself. This takes a lot of self-worth in itself, and the fact that you were able to do this quickly without letting it drag on is a great sign of how you value yourself.

I can relate to your story, and agree with everyone else. This is his problem, not yours. Those who are in relationships and are of a healthy mental state do not judge their partners so harshly or but conditions on the relationship because of it. They realize that there is an ebb and flow to life, and that sometimes people change in ways that might be unpredictable. Appearance is one of those things which many people struggle with, including myself.

The main reason I left my first husband was because of his constant complaining about my appearance - specifically my weight. Mind you, back then I was easily 70 pounds less than I am now. I was only minimally overweight at that time. He himself, while thin, was terribly out of shape so he had no right to talk. It was really a reflections I think of how he felt about himself, and the way his own life was going. A way to drag me down with him but the daily barrage of comments about my looks was so mentally abusive (along with other problems) that after 3 years I finally got the courage to up and leave. And, never looked back.

I've gained and lost over the years, it's been a struggle mostly related to health issues but have never been what is considered a healthy weight for my height since I'm young. Right now, I am dealing with being the heaviest I've been my entire life. I'm not happy with myself, but, my current partner loves me completely and my appearance is not something which comes between us. He encourages me completely when I get the wherewithall to get back on track and do something about it, but when I'm in a place where I am not able to - as I am right now - it's a non-issue. We have other things which bind us together which override this.

My mom used to say there is a cover for every pot - which is such an old fashioned statement. But it really is true. Or maybe if lucky you find a few lids which do the job LOL. But really, there will be someone out there eventually who will appreciate you for you, and vice versa. Just know you did the right thing by discarding the one who doesn't bolster you and help you be your best.

Laurie

kookycats · Nov 1, 2013

My mom used to say there is a cover for every pot - which is such an old fashioned statement. But it really is true.

Enjoyed your quote --- my late mom used to say the same thing - maybe they were related~

Just move on to better things. Any man who would say something like that just isn't worth it.

sonadora · Nov 1, 2013

AbbysMom said:
My words for your boyfriend are not kind at all and would get my banned here.

I'm glad you have a friend nearby to help you out.

Do you and your boyfriend live together?

As Tammat said, we are hear to listen.

Thank you, AbbysMom. We do live together. Or did. Whatever. Rent for our apartment is paid through this month, so that's how long I have to figure out what my next step will be. 90% of the furniture and stuff is mine. I'm thinking about putting it all in storage and moving back in to my mother's house. She is moving to Washington state in December and I could pay her rent. Her house would be optimal to house my current cat family, too.

As for him he claims he needs space. He had been a little inebriated last night, but remembers calling me names. I don't mind, I'd rather be left alone at the moment anyway. If I do decide to stay with my mother for the time being, I'd take my fur babies with me, but leave the older cats. They'll do fine here and I can come and check on them anytime I want.

Winchester said:
Sonadora, he needs a good smack up alongside the head.

That's emotional abuse and you don't need to listen to it. You don't need to put up with it. And you're better than that. Don't ever think you're not.

Exactly. THank you, Winchester.

Draco said:
I am glad you left him. If he's that shallow, then he's not worth it. You will find a guy who will appreciate you for who you are, not what you look like

That's all I can hope for, right? Thank you, Draco.

sivyaleah said:
Sonodora, huge congratulations on the weight loss you've managed thus far. Second, kudos for leaving before it dragged on and he really made you feel bad about yourself. This takes a lot of self-worth in itself, and the fact that you were able to do this quickly without letting it drag on is a great sign of how you value yourself.

I can relate to your story, and agree with everyone else. This is his problem, not yours. Those who are in relationships and are of a healthy mental state do not judge their partners so harshly or but conditions on the relationship because of it. They realize that there is an ebb and flow to life, and that sometimes people change in ways that might be unpredictable. Appearance is one of those things which many people struggle with, including myself.

The main reason I left my first husband was because of his constant complaining about my appearance - specifically my weight. Mind you, back then I was easily 70 pounds less than I am now. I was only minimally overweight at that time. He himself, while thin, was terribly out of shape so he had no right to talk. It was really a reflections I think of how he felt about himself, and the way his own life was going. A way to drag me down with him but the daily barrage of comments about my looks was so mentally abusive (along with other problems) that after 3 years I finally got the courage to up and leave. And, never looked back.

I've gained and lost over the years, it's been a struggle mostly related to health issues but have never been what is considered a healthy weight for my height since I'm young. Right now, I am dealing with being the heaviest I've been my entire life. I'm not happy with myself, but, my current partner loves me completely and my appearance is not something which comes between us. He encourages me completely when I get the wherewithall to get back on track and do something about it, but when I'm in a place where I am not able to - as I am right now - it's a non-issue. We have other things which bind us together which override this.

My mom used to say there is a cover for every pot - which is such an old fashioned statement. But it really is true. Or maybe if lucky you find a few lids which do the job LOL. But really, there will be someone out there eventually who will appreciate you for you, and vice versa. Just know you did the right thing by discarding the one who doesn't bolster you and help you be your best.

Laurie

Laurie thank you for your story., Hopefully there is someone out there like your partner for me.

Many hugs to everyone. <3

peaches08 · Nov 1, 2013

sonadora said:
As for him he claims he needs space. He had been a little inebriated last night, but remembers calling me names. I don't mind, I'd rather be left alone at the moment anyway. If I do decide to stay with my mother for the time being, I'd take my fur babies with me, but leave the older cats. They'll do fine here and I can come and check on them anytime I want.

I'm certainly not an authority on this subject, but I can say that I learned a lot about myself after getting out of an abusive relationship. Some things you've said here are concerning.

1. My experience is that drunk words hold some truth to them. I doubt that the 30 lbs is the issue...but that doesn't matter. For some reason he feels the need to judge you. That doesn't matter either, the real point is that isn't love.

2. Leave your older cats where and visit them? If you mean with him, then you're leaving the door open for makeups and breakups. I've done similar things; it stems from low self esteem and codependency.

I let that :censor: say and do a lot of things to me...and that statement right there was the hardest for me to face: that I allowed him to treat me that way. It was only then that I really began to heal from my problems...not some breakup. Not some overgrown boy that mommy shouldn't have spoiled. MY problems that allowed someone to treat me like that.

natalie_ca · Nov 1, 2013

He isn't worth your time!

Love isn't based on conditions. He is a shallow, superficial, mean, bully and a huge jerk!

You were heavy when he met you, yet he continued to date you and even move in with you.

Sounds to me like he wants to end the relationship, but didn't know how, so he tried to get you made enough at him so that you would break it off and he wouldn't be the "bad guy" in this. In the meantime he diminishes you as a person and knocks down your self-esteem. Coward!

You are a beautiful person, both inside and outside, and you deserve someone that will love you for both! Packaging changes, but the inside of a person usually remains the same.

Please don't go back to him. You deserve so much better than what he has offered you.

I'll tell you my story.

Some years ago I met a guy. I was heavy and still am. Despite my weight he kept telling me how much he loved me etc etc etc. Long story short. After about a year, he kept pressing about my weight. He even cheated on me with a "skinny girl" and told me that while he was with her, he kept thinking about me and wishing it was me there with him, in her body! What a sick thing to say!!

We found our way past his cheating. But some months later, the topic was brought up again. Eventually we broke up because he once again cheated on me with is "model-type." He ended up marrying that girl less than a year after he met her.

A couple years later he sent me an email. It said that he wasn't happy. That he had left his wife, and they were getting divorced. My thought has always been that she booted him out, not the other way around! Anyway, he went on to say that his biggest regret has always been letting me go! I responded to him that he didn't let me go, that he pushed me out the door, and that I'm sorry that things with his wife didn't work out, but I had moved on and that he should too.

Even though I loved him deeply, and still do, I refused to entertain the idea of going back with him. I refused to be his "in betweenie" that he turned to between his "model-types" the he goes for. I have way too much self-respect for that.

Another girl on this site went through this type of thing too. Only she married her jerk before he started in on her about her weight. They're now divorced and she is much happier with someone else, who loves her for her, no conditions.

sonadora · Nov 1, 2013

Peaches, Natalie, thank you for sharing your stories. You are both incredibly strong individuals and I applaud you for standing up for yourselves.

I know I'll be okay. I don't mind leaving most of my stuff in the apartment for the time being because I'm not worried about running into him. He works 12 hour days and is currently at a friend's and I doubt he'll come back to the apartment for a while, so trying to move all seven cats AND all of the furniture in a short time simply isn't worth it at the moment. He can do what he wants and stay where he wants, as long as he stays out of my way. We did speak a little today about the bills due, so at least we can speak to each other like mature adults.

I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be happy. I deserve someone who will appreciate me for who I am and not what I look like. As others have said, he's simply not worth my time.

I want to thank everyone for their support. I wasn't sure how a post this personal would be received, and I feel so blessed to have had so many heart-warming and supportive responses. Thank you, truly, from the bottom of my heart.

Happy posting.

Sonadora

mservant · Nov 2, 2013

Looking through and just seen your post. I hope things are still going in the right direction for you.

Good for you - taking control and deciding you are worth more than this person was giving you. Anyone who talks to you like that, with or without the excuse of inebriation, is not positive for your soul. The longer you remain in such environments the more it gets in to your head and the harder it is to remember who you really are and not the negative picture they keep telling you you are. It is abusive and controlling, and it is not healthy for you. Yes I have been there, both in personal relationships and in work, and strangely I found it harder understanding what was happening and getting out of the work environment than the partnerships, but life is strange. (I am in the process of leaving my work). People are far more cruel and selfish than animals, and sadly often criticize and bring other people down to make themselves feel better. I am with everyone else here, wanting to support you to stay strong and value yourself.

That is great if you can talk and sort things through in an adult way, but take care of yourself as it will still be draining. Supportive friends and family are invaluable, and that they are with you now is a reminder that you still have love and deserve love, and they will be with you as you find more happiness in your life.

I hope you can settle and bring your cats to where ever you are and have them around you as you get through this. And congratulate yourself for the positive changes you are making in your life, both with the great amount of weight you have already lost, and in seeing that you are worth more than the relationship you were in and having the courage to leave and continue to change. Celebrate what you have already achieved and think what doors can open for you now you have started on this journey.

M

fhicat · Nov 2, 2013

You're better off without him. People like him are insecure and have self esteem issues.

If you want to lose weight, do it because you want to be healthy. YOU are the only person who can decide that. It's nobody else's business. Don't do it just because someone else said you should. Do it because you want to.

AbbysMom · Nov 3, 2013

Adding in some extra :hugs:

today.

stewball · Nov 3, 2013

Cudoes to you girl. I'd never have had the guts to do what you did. When this sort of mental abuse starts it'll only get worse. Mind you if most of the stuff in your apt is yours why don't you just throw him our. But I can understand you wanting to be with your mum. We mostly need our mums.
He needs his space! That is such a stupid and cowardly way to end a relationship. I'm surprised he didn't just text you. I also feel like spouting some names here which I can't. Of course I could do it in Hebrew but nobody would know what I said.
If you were overweight - which half the world is - when you met him then he's very nasty. Did you never notice any snide comments before and this was the straw?
I don't understand why men - mostly - behave like that. Is that what he saw at home? Overweight, underweight or standard, that's just the outside. When a relationship starts that is what's important but as the relationship developes then the outer layer disappears and the inside is what's left and that's the most important piece. Once the partner starts to criticise then you know it's over.
It hasn't happened to me but I can imagine this t what happens.
As the others said you are worth so much more than he is. You are you. A good person. You know it and that's the most important thing. To know you are better, beautiful and loved by the important people. You will find the right one and in the meantime get yourself, your stuff and your 7 cats - do not leave any behind - and get to your mum. Start a new happy life.
As far as venting that is what we all are here for. As I said in the beginning good for you. Way to go. We're all proud of you.

asherdash · Nov 3, 2013

Whatever you do, DO NOT get back with him. Also, please please please take all the cats out and don't leave any behind. Many many years ago ( in what seems like a galaxy far far away) I was in an abusive relationship and I split with just a few tshirts and jeans in a pillowcase luckily I didn't have pets yet. Getting out was the best move I ever made. Hang in there

mservant · Nov 4, 2013

I hope you're still doing OK and feeling strong in your self what ever you are doing.

stewball · Nov 5, 2013

Where are you now?

sonadora · Nov 5, 2013

Hi everyone! So I have some really BIG CONTROVERSIAL NEWS. I don't expect everyone to agree or understand what's happened and why I came to the conclusion that I did, but I will try to lay it all out and in a concise manner!

PLEASE read everything before posting! (Hint - the bold type makes a good summary!)

So. Sunday night I asked my boyfriend to meet me. I was going to end it finally. I had changed my mind about our living situation, and I wanted to ask him for his key back. I put all his (remaining) stuff in a bag and got ready to give him the boot. I'm not going to lie, even at this stage I was hesitant, though I knew what had to be done. In short, I prepared for the worst but hoped for the best.

But then he surprised me. He was contrite, knew that what he had said was way out of line, apologized, admitted to acting like a

, was ashamed of himself and afraid of how I would look at him. I honestly hadn't expected any of that. Now, I can already hear some responses to this, that of course he's going to say whatever needs to be said, that I need to take it with a grain of salt, etc, etc. And that is absolutely correct. But with little to no prior evidence of abusive and controlling behavior (this pretty much came out of NOWHERE, a COMPLETE 180 from when we started dating) I'm hesitant to judge too quickly.

So, I made the very controversial decision to take him back. Yes, I know. Shocker. Take deep breaths. I could go into the cliches that everyone deserves a second chance, that only I know his heart and who he is on the inside, and how he's really a good person, blah blah blah. But the truth is that I empathize with him. I've struggled with depression for the better part of 10 years, so I have my inner demons, too. Ones that try to turn me into someone I'm not and don't want to be: paranoid, afraid, and incapable of accepting love. His struggles with himself, while outwardly different, are fundamentally the same as mine: he struggles with his self-image and how he wants to be seen by other people (I think the blame here can be partly based on his military training but that's a whole other psychic breakdown). The key here is that I understand they are his problems, and furthermore I understand how difficult that can be.

So, on the one hand, I really do want this to work. I really do. Insert tons of mushy romantic memories here. We work well together when we are both in happy states of minds (or at least one of us is). He's had to witness some of the scarier moments of my depression, moments that would normally make people run screaming for the hills, and we both have too much invested in this.

That being said, on the other hand, I know what I'm worth and I am not afraid to walk away. I made sure to communicate this to him, that I deserve to be loved for who I am (flaws and all) and that if he can't do that I will find someone who will. Simple as that. I even have an action plan, now, in case I ever need it. I went all the way to the edge of single-dom and I am not afraid to go there again, because I'm worth it.

So what now? Well, we agreed to take it slow. Whatever that means. For me, rent and the other bills have been paid through the end of November, and I see that as a convenient trial-period. What he told me in our meeting was nice and all, but talk is cheap. If I even suspect any sort of transgression from the "straight and narrow" then I'm gone.

I'm confident that whatever happens from here on out is meant to be. If this works, and I get t hat fairy tale happy ending, then awesome. If it doesn't, then I'll write him off as another ****-waffle not worth my time and move on to bigger and better things. Either way, I can wash my hands clean and be sure that I gave it my all.

Yes, I really did call him a ****-waffle. I went there. I was hoping we could laugh but sadly that was not the case. So far, it's been good, and I honestly don't plan on changing my routine very much. I am still focusing on the things that make me happy : painting, reading, writing, my kitties.

I refuse to stress about him and his stuff, because it's his stuff to work out. I refuse to live in fear, either of my self-image or even of this very controversial decision. I understand everyone is going to have their own opinions of what I should and shouldn't have done, but the bottom line is what I want. And for right now this is it. HOWEVER if you do have any concerns at all, please do not hesitate to share them with me! I will remain open-minded about all of this, I just ask that if you have serious objections to PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE PM ME. I will return correspondence to the best of my ability, I just don't want to clog up the forums with all of this non-kitty related business!

Again, a big thank you to everyone for their continued support and encouragement.

Don't worry about me, I learned everything I know from the independent free spirits that are my feline friends.

So much love,

Sonadora

Problems with my boyfriend

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