New Cat Owner, and...I don't think I like my cat

Hi everyone, I just recently adopted a cat "Peg" from a friend. Just to give her backstory, my coworker found her on the street last November and took her home. For months, all the city shelters were full and couldn't take her. So she ended up watching Peg for almost a year. 

My friend never wanted to be a cat owner, but she felt too guilty to give this cat up to a random stranger on craigslist. She heard a rumor that my boyfriend and I were looking to adopt a cat, and asked me out of nowhere asking me to take Peg (or else some creepy stranger would). 

We regularly babysit another cat, Khajit (my cousin's), and I think she just set the cat standard extremely high for us. Khajit is sweet and quiet, and loves a good belly rub. She only wants to sleep, cuddle and eat.  

Peg is affectionate, but very demanding and aggressive. She shows no signs of slowing down, even though she's almost 2 years old. She meows constantly for attention, but if I pet her the wrong way she bites me (not hard, of course). I hate how this sounds, but I sometimes think of her as the "accident" child. 

Is there a way to train a cat to calm down? Or is she just a bad fit for me? 

My boyfriend and I have always seen ourselves adopting a senior cat. Do you think this cat will calm down with age?

Also, we suspect that my friend had reinforced bad behavior, such as feeding the cat to shut her up, etc. We're trying to train her out of it by rewarding quiet behavior. 

She probably will slow down quite a bit. Although everyone knows how playful a kitten can be, a lot of people don't realize that many cats keep that playfulness until 2-3 years old.

Also, it sounds like she may be feeling insecure. Cats don't cope well with change, and Peg's been through a lot. The constant meowing for attention and biting if you pet her wrong both sound like traits of a cat who likes people but isn't sure she trusts people. It could be just the changing ownership, or it could be that something happened to her before your friend took her in - maybe she was abused or something. (I'm pretty sure she did have some good interactions with humans as a kitten, or else she'd just be hiding in your basement and avoiding you, like the one feral cat we fostered.)

Don't punish her for bad behavior, but pull away and ignore her if she bites, and do reward her for being quiet. Other than that, just give her a stable, consistent environment. She will probably feel more secure over time.

ls she spayed yet? lf she's spayed, at this age she'll gradually start to wind down and mature. 

to TCS!

She probably needs more time to settle down and become confident in her new home and will also become less active when she gets a bit older. She sounds like a good candidate for clicker training. It would keep her occupied and be an easy way to teach her that quiet = a reward and that bad habits don't. There are a number of YouTube videos on the subject in addition to several books.

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Thank you for your responses! My boyfriend and I will certainly look into purchasing a clicker to train the cat. I also have hope that she'll grow into a lazy lover like my cousin's cat. 

Should we just ignore her when she meows? I think she also acts naughty to get our attention, ie., claw our bike tires. 

We've actually sprayed her with water when she barrels into the room meowing in the middle of the night. Should we stop that? 

Sorry, to give some background, Peg has been spayed, but after she had a litter of kittens. 

When my friend found her rolling around on the street, she still had milk, but her kittens were nowhere to be found. Peg was still pretty much a kitten when she had her own litter, so she's a "teen mom." 

I agree that Peg is just insecure and needs to learn to trust you. I do not encourage you to punish her for behaviors you don't like (such as spraying her when she meows, claws at the tires, etc) as this will make her trust issues worse.

Also, all cats have different personalities. While I agree that she will calm down some as she gets older (who doesn't?) you really won't be able to tell what her personality will be until she gets acclimated to you and her new environment.

As for biting when you pet her, it probably goes back to the trust issues, but, is it possible that she has an injury (new or old) and has some tender spots?

That's a good point. We'll try not to spray her as punishment. Would clapping and yelling "no" aggravate her? 

She isn't scared of people or other animals--she's a real brat. She insists on playing all the time by nipping or swatting at me if I stop to work on my computer. I just ignore her when she behaves like that. 

I'm just wondering if I'll ever "bond" with her, as many of my friends are fanatic about their cats. I feel really guilty about this; I'd feel like a real monster to give her up. Although I'm pretty sure that's what my coworker thought when she cornered me into adopting her...

Has anyone out there felt this way about their cats? Maybe I'm just not a cat person, but Peg is definitely not inspiring any maternal feelings in me. 

I feel really sad for you that you're not feeling a bond with this cat.  I think it can happen. Most of us feel it the minute we are selected by our cats or kittens, be it in a rescue shelter or a cattery / kitten's original home. When you haven't had that initial meeting and then you get home with the cat you have been offered and find that behaviours are not close and inviting this will be doubly hard.  Much of what you are describing in your cat's behaviour suggests she is still anxious and has not yet built up trust and bonded with you yet either.  Do you feel you could give this relationship more time?.

One of the most difficult things in parenting is to bond and establish a loving relationship with someone who is either extremely clingy or rejects every move you make too be close.  Sadly this is most common where you are with a person or creature who has had scary experiences in their life that result in their feeling they have to protect them self.  They may be really sociable and friendly then snap and back off if they're not in control, or they will avoid getting close and trusting and feel everything is a threat.  You can get through, as so many of the rescue and feral cat care stories on this site show beautifully, but you have to want to as it takes time. That maternal bond probably doesn't really kick in until you are pretty well down the road, however once it's there it will be one of the biggest high you could get.

You have already been give some very good advice, and reasons why she may be more anxious than other cats.  She may take a little longer than other cats to feel relaxed with you and until then a gentle approach and play which is not 'hands on' but with wand toys, throwing or rolling toys, and food like hand throwing biscuits may help. It could also be that she wants to have more active play, and building a relationship through active play rather than feeding would be much healthier than the constant demands for food you are experiencing just now.  Nipping and swatting when you are on the computer is a classic 'cat want attention and play; behaviour that many on this site have posted about - including me.    

Anything like the water spraying and loud noises is likely to cause more difficulties in terms of your cat relaxing and trusting you, but you can your voice tone and appropriate physical responses to her biting and clawing which might help.  If you haven't read some of the behaviour threads on biting this will be useful for you to do. My general advice is

• If your cat is biting or bear-hugging and scratching you probably the worst thing you can do is pull back.  A cat will interpret this as either 1 - you want to play, or 2 - you are preparing to attack.
• It is very important that you freeze.  If you can - push very slightly in towards her, and then stay still until she stops.  Only try to take her off if she is actually breaking your skin/drawing blood.
• At the same time as you freeze you can say either 'no' or 'ouch' or something similar and short. Always use the same word for when she is hurting you.  It also helps if you keep this word different to the word you use at other times when she is doing something you want her to stop. She needs to understand that when this word is used she must not ignore it.   Say it firmly and quickly, but you don't need to say it loudly.
• If she stops, lets go, and then comes back and repeats the behaviour you do the same thing again.
• If it goes on several times, can not be diverted, and you think she is totally over excited and needs to calm down you can lift her up and gently put her on the other side of a door to where you are but I don't recommend leaving her more than a couple of minutes as she will loose the association as to why she is there.  

It is a process that takes consistency, and patience but if you can build up an understanding of each other then trust will follow and then hopefully you could have a very very precious relationship

I'm not sure how long it is since you adopted this cat but it might also be worth investing in some Feliway as this might help her to feel more relaxed and secure as well.

I so hope you find a rewarding relationship with Peg and that she can finally find a furever home.  If it doesn't happen though, perhaps you will be able to introduce her to someone who does feel that connection, and that too will be easier if she has relaxed and made sense of her life with you, so please try some of the things that have been suggested.

Awesome advice MServant!!

My parents got a cat around the time I left home, and I visited frequently as I love cats.  However, that poor cat, or should I say the people, couldn't quite forge a good bond.  In retrospect, this is because we were all too ignorant about a more challenging cat and the lesser cues of affection - prior we had the most smoogy adorably affectionate family cat, so it's a hard follow on when the next cat just isnt so 'easy'.  I can also now say 'in retrospect', as I've had to work hard over the last 3 years with my own problem fur-child.  In fact, we didn't realise just how hard he was until we got our recent girl - an easy cat (thankfully).  I can happily say that we love BOTH of them to bits, even though Kato is a bit of a special child (with many of the behaviours you describe, plus an incredible intellect and too much sensitivity!)

What helped me through the years  with a single Korat (we should have got two - and that is amply illustrated now because the work is halved with the new playmate), was the 'way of cats' blog.  That woman has a way of opening your eyes to understanding your cat and building trust and that special bond.  She can make you see things as the feline is experiencing it (rather than the frustrated human), and has SO many good workable tips.  I'll select a couple pages for you, but feel free to browse as you know what will hit the money for your situation better than I:

a couple about trust: http://www.wayofcats.com/blog/abandonment-issues/4644

http://www.wayofcats.com/blog/learning-trust-signals/7319

and now building affection - this one has the most links to all the 'affection moves' she talks about that can start without even touching the cat: http://www.wayofcats.com/blog/fixing-cats-who-wont-cuddle/9156

http://www.wayofcats.com/blog/getting-to-the-petting/22233

http://www.wayofcats.com/blog/cat-etiquette-rules/12210

http://www.wayofcats.com/blog/tell-the-cat-loves-us/262

http://www.wayofcats.com/blog/pet-the-cat/273

Hope that helps 

Thank you for all your advice! I will definitely invest in Feliway. Makes sense that she is anxious. Is that why she's so clingy? I'm trying to spend as much time with her (I have the option of working from home), but it can get irritating with her meowing and "hot" and "cold" moods. 

Also, is there a way to train her to be more gentle? Or is that just a personality trait that Peg does not have? 

I think if you give her some serious play time and run off some of her energy, and let her know when she is hurting you, as I've described above, you will probably see that gentle and trusing side come out in her.  Some cats are more cuddly than others, but some would like to be cuddly and just haven't quite built the right relaionship and trust to do it yet.  Hang in there, try the Feliway and some play time before she gets in to the biting game.

Alright, this cat finally lost her main advocate, my boyfriend. 

After an hour of playing with her, she kept meowing for food. We try not to feed her when she's noisy to not reinforce bad behavior; we were also waiting for her regular feeding time. So my boyfriend pet her instead, but as he walked away she bit him hard in the leg. It seems that she acts affectionate just to manipulate us!

We don't know if this cat is just a spoiled brat, or just plain aggressive. After my boyfriend got very mad, she spent the night cuddling with me while I slept to compensate. Until 8AM when she decided to meow in my ear and use my pillow as a scratching post. I just tried to ignore her instead of spraying her with water, but she doesn't seem to give up. 

Now I'm a little mad at my friend for cornering us to adopt her, but I'm mostly mad at myself for saying yes. This cat is a manipulative and selfish brat. How do you train that out of a cat?

chihsin said:

 
Alright, this cat finally lost her main advocate, my boyfriend. 

After an hour of playing with her, she kept meowing for food. We try not to feed her when she's noisy to not reinforce bad behavior; we were also waiting for her regular feeding time. So my boyfriend pet her instead, but as he walked away she bit him hard in the leg. It seems that she acts affectionate just to manipulate us!

We don't know if this cat is just a spoiled brat, or just plain aggressive. After my boyfriend got very mad, she spent the night cuddling with me while I slept to compensate. Until 8AM when she decided to meow in my ear and use my pillow as a scratching post. I just tried to ignore her instead of spraying her with water, but she doesn't seem to give up. 

Now I'm a little mad at my friend for cornering us to adopt her, but I'm mostly mad at myself for saying yes. This cat is a manipulative and selfish brat. How do you train that out of a cat?

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Cats do not manipulate you. I think you need to get into a different frame of mind before you can start appreciating her for what she is, a young adult. She's still pretty much a kitten! I wouldn't expect her to calm out until at least 3 years or so. 

Do you have Netflix instant? I highly suggest you watch My Cat From Hell w/ Jackson Galaxy. Other than that, please try doing more research on cat behavior. It sounds like there's not really any big issue with the cat, and I really think you guys can work with her. You just need to understand where they're coming from. 

Are you cleaning the litterbox often? Does she have a high perch and appropriate scratching posts? 

Don't be discouraged!   

Please  try to bend a little in your 'training'. She is just as bewildered at her new home as you are with her. It will take weeks or months before she is comfortable with her new routine, she needs a chance! It doesn't sound like your friend gave her much attention, as you say she never wanted a cat. She needs a LOT of attention and training, but please go slow, one thing at a time! I think she is so thrilled with all this new attention she is going a little wild. It CAN be done, it just takes a LOT of patience. Just for now, is there any way you can just let her have a bowl of hard food to eat at will? You can always change her diet later. Maybe if she was more secure in having her food available, she may be more satisfied and may calm down if she is 'full'. Just one thing to not have to worry about. I've had outside cats survive on hard food all their lives, and they were very healthy. Please read the 'behavior' threads to learn more about her unwanted behavior. I want to thank both you and your friend for giving her a chance, and I pray everything works out!

Try to persevere.  You all sound so stressed just now.  I think Di and Bob's suggestion of leaving her a bowl of hard/dry food so she is reassured and secure about not getting hungry sounds a good idea.  I don't know what you usually feed her but you

could still use her favourite food or snacks to reinforce good and quiet behaviour.  

Also, in some other behaviour threads I've read people have suggested clicker training and this might be an option for you too: it would give a clear, instant message for Peg to grasp in terms of what she is being rewarded for. There are various threads with videos illustrating the training and you can find them on uTube as well.  I never had any success with Mouse but a lot of other people have had significant changes using it.

The morning waking thing is an unfortunately common habit and if anyone has found a remedy there will probably be a mad rush to the thread to find out what to do.  One of my previous cats used to stick her cold nose in my ear at the same time as pawing my nose.  Annoying but not dangerous.       That is one thing Mouse is quite good at not doing, though he will occasionally drop a toy on my head in the middle of the night if he's bored.

Did Peg break your boyfriend's skin when she bit his leg?  If so he should clean it thoroughly and seek medical attention if it becomes swollen or red at all.  Cat bites can often be infected and this can develop very suddenly.

I agree with everything everyone has said! Don't give up yet!  It does sound like she is wildly ecstatic with all the love you are giving her, unfortunately it will be up to you to teach her how to behave like a good kitty! She was probably taken from her litter way too early, behavior problems usually arise when a cat hasn't learned proper cat etiquette and manners from their siblings and mom. Kittens learn not to play too rough when their siblings protest! If she didn't have that, then she may not understand that she is hurting you. 

As for the meowing: remember that they are not always meowing for food---feeding her every time she meows results in a frustrated, overweight cat! My mother was at her wit's end one day because her cat (my childhood friend) would not shut  up even though her food bowl was full. I simply walked over to the water bowl, noticed that it was low and dirty, rinsed it out, and she drank from it like a thirsty camel. My Romeo will let me know if the litter box is not up to standard....and sometimes I think  he just likes to tell me how his day went. Cats meow to talk to their people, not each other. My newest addition, Tabitha, will meow every time I pet her. She's kind of a weirdo. 

Hey, and if you need a place to vent, feel free to PM me. There are some really obnoxious cats out there, but sometimes it just takes the right attitude. My friend has a cat that will try to bite you while wanting you to pet him. My other friends have since refused to go near him, but I seriously enjoy thwarting his efforts. I'll pet him, take my hand away before he bites, and he'll just sit there and purr and rub against me asking me to pet him again. He's kind of a weirdo, too. 

It takes all kinds!