- Joined
- Jun 11, 2013
- Messages
- 18
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I don't know if anyone messed up so bad as I did, I guess not, but, in case someone did, tell me, do you ever manage to forgive yourself when you are responsible for your baby's death? I only meant the best for him, but somewhere along the line my brain stopped working and I ended up causing his death. It's been three months since I lost my four-year-old baby Rufus and I miss him very much. The worst of it is I realized I've got only myself to blame. He had been very sick last summer, they said it was a gall stone, but, finally, after a lot of treatment we managed to pull him through. The only trouble is after that I became a bit paranoid and started feeding him less wet food (although it was already diet food), especially after he seemed to develop a bit of diarrhea (though it may have been me being paranoid again). I was constantly on the phone with the vet, trying new dry food diets, but it never occurred to me to start feeding him more wet food. Eventually, the vet proposed doing some more tests and my baby was diagnosed with triaditis, we tried a number of treatments, but they didn't seem to help either. He stopped eating dry food altogether and would eat even less wet food than I was giving him. We were just about to start some acupuncture sessions and, frustrated with his lack of appetite, I thought it might be a good idea to start giving him boiled meat. I checked with the vet, he said it was ok, so I started feeding him boneless chicken breast. He seemed to enjoy it at first and, thinking it was the healthiest food for him (boy, was I wrong), I gave him that for about two weeks. I tried tempting him with it even when he clearly didn't want it and only when all else failed did I switch to Hill's id. Again, he seemed to enjoy it for a couple of days, then he wouldn't touch it, in fact, he seemed to have less and less of an appetite and was becoming very lethargic, but it never occurred to me to offer him more appetizing foods, even when he stopped eating altogether (well, I did offer him a can of Schesir, but when he refused this as well, my brain simply stopped working). At this stage the vet suggested running some more tests and this time they found he had a severe anaemia and his pancreatitis had gotten worse. They got him on iv, I took him for three blood transfusions, after the third transfusion he started urinating blood and died in my arms during the night. Sorry to bore you with all the details, I just wanted to give you a gist of all the things I feel guilty about (there's more actually, but these would be the main things). My question is how can I possibly forgive myself for all the stupid mistakes I made, for literally starving him to death? I should have researched more about his illness and the proper diet, I should have quizzed the vet more, I should have acted faster when I saw how lethargic he was becoming. I feel I am a terrible person and I will never forget the look in his eyes as life was draining out of him..
From what I read, it doesn't sound to me at all like you caused his death. It only sounds like you loved him dearly and were working with the vet to do everything you could to help him. Please don't blame yourself. I know how frustrating it can be, having experienced a cat with pancreatitis that wouldn't eat. Sometimes a cat just can't keep fighting an illness, no matter how hard we try to save them. 
There's only so much you can do in some circumstances, and you shouldn't add "What if I had ...." questions to the grief you're already feeling. You did what you could for him, but sometimes things are just beyond our control.
