- Joined
- Sep 19, 2013
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I share in grief and pain with you guys that are hurting for your loved one(s). Last year 2012 was a typical year. Summer came and things seemed bright and happy. On a sunny July day I sat in the floor with my black and white tuxedo cat and was doing my typical massage I would do to him. I rubbed him gently under his front leg pit area. I took note then that I felt something that felt like many small lumps ... I freaked out. This was my first cat ever. He was my boy and we had shared 11 great years together. He was a big boy weighing in at 20 pounds. Well, after finding this condition, I immediately scheduled an appt with the vet. After an exam, she said it could be some type of infection. She sent me home with a steroid drug. After completing that, I noticed that there had been no change. I took him back in and she examined him again and then said those words that still ring in my head. I'm sorry to have to say this, but Chad has cancer. I lost it then. In my panic I had scheduled an appt with an oncologist . They confirmed that he had cancer. The cost was astronomical . I then realized it was going to be too much on me and with no guarantees, I was batting 50/50... I decided then that I would take chad home and make his life as comfortable as possible. He grew so weak. I had to literally put the drinking bowl on the bed so he could drink . He did eat some but that soon quit as well . When I had to move him I would notice this strange sound he would make. He was in pain. I then decided that I was not going to allow him to suffer anymore. I cried and cried over and over again. I had talks with him. I wrote him a poem and read it to him the night before I was to take him in. I let him know how he impacted my life. I pet him and loved on him . The next day was full of fog in my head. I could not find anyone to go with me to have my boy put down. This being my first I was sure to fall apart. A neighbor I do not know well agreed to go with me. On the way to the vet, I played a song by rob Thomas called now comes the night. It was my song to chad and my way of saying don't worry I am here with you and you will not be afraid and you will not be alone. Once there I was lead into the room. She quickly explained what she was going to do and what would happen. I held his head in my hand and talked to him. She inserted the needle and his head fell limp and his eyes stayed open... I yelled a yell that could be heard all over. I cried harder then than at any time I can remember my whole life. Even losing my grandmother did not feel this devastating .. They told me I could spend as much time as I needed. I stayed with him 50 minutes. Crying and talking to him.. I am a man in my 50's so I guess big boys do cry.. I will forever love my boy chad. I had him cremated and the ashes returned to me. This past August 16, was a difficult day. He was on my mind a lot. I went out and bought some balloons and then took a magic marker and wrote on the balloons how I felt and that I missed and loved him and will forever love him. I let them go in the sky and I cried for my friend. The pain was so severe that I found a support group to go to . I found others who were dealing with the same thing. It brought a lot of comfort to me. I even worked up the courage to find love again. I figured while I was mourning the death of my boy Chad, that I could still find it in me to love another while I worked thru my pain with Chad. So on Sept. 10th, 2012 I adopted the most beautiful long haired gray and white boy named Joey. Joey was a doozie. Very active and young and happy. I felt good about how life was going . Chad was still my best bud however. My first love. I took a picture in of Chad to Michaels and had it framed into a beautiful 11x14. When I got it back I proudly hung it in my living room. Two days later on Sept 22, my family came to visit me and they met Joey and took pictures of him and they played with him. Finally in the evening we decided to go out to dinner before they would head back home. We went out and had a beautiful evening and the beauty was cut short. On the drive home I got an odd call from a neighbor telling me that some lady was knocking on doors and yelling something... I told her I was driving and to let me know what was going on .. She said she would. Well minutes went by and no call back. So I called her and said you didn't call me back what is going on ? she said I don't know . she said firemen and rescue are here and they are at your apartment ... I SAID WHAT??? OMG WHAT IS GOING ON ? She said they evacuated the building and the next building. She said they are bashing your windows out!! I screamed DID THEY GET THE CAT !??! She said I don't know... I was wailing and my relatives got upset. I pulled over and my relative had to drive. My cousin was screaming and crying and I was crying. Then another neighbor called and said where are you? I SAID 5 min from home.. what is going on .. She said I don't know they are bashing out your windows and throwing things out. I Said did they get the cat .. please omg did they get the cat out? She said I am going to try and find out. No one is allowed back inside yet.. She called me back and said , your cat is dead. I threw my phone and just wailed out. We got back to my home and the scene looked like a Bruce Willis movie.. Red and blue flashing lights and fire trucks all over. Police and rescue... I was in shock and seeing my things laying out in the yard all charred. I cried and it would be later that my cousin came to me and said they want to know what you want done with Joey's body.. I cried and said don't ask me that please!!! I don't care I said I cant deal with this ... So the firemen went in and wrapped his body in a sheet and brought him out and gave him to my cousin and she put him in her trunk and would later have him cremated and returned to me. I was put up by Red Cross in a local hotel for 3 days. I cried the whole time. Sure I was going to have a break down . I tried staying strong and going back to that support group. I was placed in another unit in the same complex and the apartment was rebuilt from ground on up. So, not only was I mourning Chad, I was also mourning Joey now. I was a mess the days that followed. Now soon Sept 22 is coming. This Sunday will mark 1 year since his death and the date I lost all my possessions.. I'm handling it ok but I don't see how. November 18th, 2012 I adopted yet another beautiful boy and his name is Tyler. He is a sweet cat with a good disposition. He makes me smile and gives me hope for a better tomorrow. I still mourn my 2 boys and I think I am suffering slight PTS. I'm making small strides back to my life again. Small steps. It has not been easy and because I had no renters insurance, I have had to replace everything slowly as I could. Today, I am back in the same apartment that was burned out last Sept. I had to work through the memories and the haunting of knowing it was here that all the ugly transpired. I am blessed in knowing that at least my boy Chad died from cancer and did not perish in the fire. I try and find light where I can. Its sad Joey died the way he did. I tried to give him a life and the life he had was not long at all. It wasn't fair. But is life ever? Thank you for allowing me to share my story of pain, fear and recovery.
I hope Tyler brings you as much love as Chad and Joey did 
Glad you made it through the anniversary 
