Letting Hercules go

Hi everyone, I've debated a bit about whether or not to post I am still so sad about it all, but you've all been such wonderful support during this journey of mine with Hercules.    He's been missing now for a month, the most he ever left before was for a week and I've tried to hold out hope that he was just on a big journey.   But I dreamed of him a couple weeks ago, one of those very vivid bits that sticks with you long after the other dreams have been forgotten - he was in his usual feeding spot looking at me very intently.    I didn't know what it meant, but worried he was saying goodbye.   I contacted LDG's animal communicator and she has confirmed that he has left this life.   I don't want it to be true but in my heart I know it is.    She said he went off hunting and ate something bad that led to stomach problems he couldn't recover from.   He was likely on one of his many walkabouts he went on this summer, way too far away to get back to me where I could help him.    I still live nearby and will keep an eye out for him though.

The hardest part is the guilt that I didn't take him in when I had the chance, he'd be alive today if I had.   Still I have two indoor cats a feral mom and her tame son that I've had for many years now.    The son, Big Guy, is very territorial and even gets aggressive chasing his mom sometimes.  His aggression always got worse when he saw Herc out the window or any other cat.   Hercules showed himself to be territorial and not get along with other cats outside, so I feared to bring him indoors given both their personalities.    I keep reminding myself that I did choose the overall well-being of the cats I'd already made a commitment to, but it feels hollow.   Thank you all for your support over this past year - this is wonderful site and you are blessed people for all you do for felines.

I am new and don't know your journey with Hercules but I am so sorry to hear this. One of my feral kitties who I had been feeding her Mom and sisters went missing a year ago July. I wish I could find out what happened, she was born under my neighbors porch in 2009 and none of them have ever wondered off. The summer before Tess had went missing for 12 days but she returned and never went missing again until July 15, 2012.......I have not seen her since. I wish I could have some closure, I still cry and pray that she will appear on my front porch.

Again I am so sorry.

Oh sweetie.......... :heart2:

Oh I am so, so, so, so sorry. :heart2:

No matter how hard, I'm glad you're able to have closure, it helps :heart2: It's better than the worry and wondering. But it sure sucks.

I know we're left with a lot more than a sense of loss. :heart2: :heart2: :heart2: And as always, I know this is easier said than done, but you cannot, you cannot pursue the "what ifs." You made the right decisions, you did the right things. I understand it feels hollow now, looking back. But it isn't hollow, hun. When it comes to caring for ferals and rescuing, we have to follow our hearts, but within the practical situations in which we find ourselves. It's just the way it is, as hard as it is.

The fact - the sad fact - is that life ends. And we simply cannot control that. Especially with ferals, we can't control where they go, what they do... we do our best to provide for them, but we can't protect them. It is gut wrenching and heart wrenching...

...and I'm just so sorry. So, so sorry. I wish engulfing you in hugs would make it all better.

I know that Hercules is OK now. And I know he wouldn't want you to feel guilty. In fact, I'm sure he feels nothing but love for you, and is now an angel by your side.

Snugglecat, thanks for your sympathy and I'm sorry for your lost kitty too - the not knowing, the hoping is so hard.   It comes down in large part to whether you really believe psychic knowledge and animal communication is possible, but if you do maybe it would help you to talk to an animal communicator.    http://enlightenedanimals.com/ was the person I talked to that LDG has had good luck with.    I do feel she's the real deal.

Laurie, you got me crying again but all those hugs do help - thank you so much.   You've been so kind to me throughout the whole process and your support has meant so much.    I know you are right about avoiding the "what ifs" but they do plague me.   I also just feel so frustrated that he still felt the desire to go out and hunt even though I fed him like clockwork every day.  She said he was hunting rabbits -  given the land around here I have an idea of where he might have traveled to, a good ways away where there were fields with grass.   I guess a juicy rabbit trumps a bowl of dry kibble any day.  I TNR'd him so that he would be safe and not want to roam and put himself in danger, but the minute spring weather started he was frequently gone.   I had prayed Ellen would tell me he'd just gone to another caretaker with better vittles, but she seemed quite sure. 

I'm so sorry to hear that you lost Hercules.

You helped him a lot and gave him a place that he could come to for food and love, I'm sure this made his life much better than it would have been without you.

It's nice that he came to say good bye to you in your dreams, this shows how much he appreciated you.

In the end, sweetie, they are cats. I just happen to live in a place where they can hunt to their hearts' delight, right here. Well - they do have to travel a few hundred feet to hunt rabbits and chipmunks, because they don't nest right here because of the cats. But it is their nature to want to hunt, to explore... to follow the sun puddles. They're free spirits, and pursue their desires, especially when they have people like us helping them feel secure that if they need a safe haven and nourishment, it is there for them. :rub:



I don't know if I wrote it in my thread about Khol, or if I sent this as a PM to Lauren (feralvr) when we were chatting about Khol. The background is that I've worked with Ellen on a number of things over a couple of years now, and she views things in a completely different way... she sees the "cosmic" (my word, not hers), the Spiritual aspects and implications of physical being and actions. So while this experience with Khol has brought me around to ... re-acknowledging a number of things I know about myself.... one of the things I told Lauren (or wrote in the thread) was that I realized from Ellen's chat with me that when the ferals leave, I feel like I've failed them.

And that's what you're feeling right now. :rub:

But that just isn't the case. In the end, we have to honor the nature - the Spirit - of a feral cat. And we are blessed (I just don't have a better word for it) that we have the opportunity to help them, to give them a home base if they want it, and a place to turn for care - if they want it. The rest is up to them, and that's the hardest part. In the end, loving a feral cat that hasn't become an indoor pet, is about the process of letting go of control from the very beginning. :heart2: :rub: :heart2:

Of course, as I also mentioned, intellectually understanding, even feeling and sensing in the very pit of our souls, the heart of our relationship with these beautiful, mystical creatures, doesn't stop the flood of all the emotions we feel because we're human: we worry because we care, and we experience that intensely painful sense of loss because we love.

I completely agree with Norachan. I think Hercules visiting you in your dream says so much about how much you meant to him, that he would reach out to you like that. :heart3:

:heart2: :grphug2: :heart2: :grphug2: :heart2: :grphug2: :heart2: :grphug2: :heart2: :grphug2: :heart2: :grphug2: :heart2: :grphug2: :heart2:

I just wanted to add... yes, Ellen is the real deal. A member of TCS had a foster kitty that pretty clearly had issues with other cats. The foster mom knew her background. Someone from the rescue had used Ellen before, and suggested foster mom contact her to find out if this kitty thought she would ever be able to trust other cats again. We chatted about whether human-animal communication is real or not.... and she decided to do it with a healthy amount of skepticism.

The ONLY information she sent Ellen was a picture of the foster, and the information that she had four cats. No other information.

Well, the foster kitty described each of the other cats so well that the foster mom knew which cats she was describing. Age and everything. She told Ellen all about her background - which was obviously correct; the foster mom knew it already.

So it wasn't much later that we had an issue with one of our recent rescues - an older feral kitty we'd brought indoors and one of our resident cats. My husband thought the whole thing was crazy, but said because I wanted to, we should go ahead. It's not like it was going to hurt. It might have been a waste of money, but that would be the worst.

She chatted with both of them. Bottom line? Sheldon was being very aggressive to Chumley. Turns out Sheldon was upset that Chumley (who didn't feel comfortable moving around the home yet) was using one of his favorite spots. And he was. He wanted Chumley to move, and he wanted an apology. :lol3: Chum said he didn't want to create any issues, he was just happy to be safe. And he apologized (through Ellen). Well - lo and behold, that night, after her chat with them, Chumley moved to a new spot. A place that none of the other 7 cats had ever used. Problem solved. So hubby was a complete convert.

I've referred her to a number of people on TCS. She was in touch with someone's bridge kitty. The things communicated was information that Ellen couldn't possibly have known.... further confirmation that Ellen is the "real deal." For another person, kitty was so chatty, she described the living room down to the details of the pattern on the couch (NOT in the picture sent). !!! This kitty even told Ellen about the person's former kitty - her name (and a lot of other information). Sometimes kitties aren't communicative, and I'm sure Ellen has to work at translating images into words.. and I'm sure that's not a perfect process.

But if Ellen is sure that Hercules has crossed the bridge, then your grief is not misplaced.

...just more

I just want to say that I am so, so sorry to hear about Hercules. 

 Hugs for you...

Oh no no no no no.  Hercules, I often thought of you as your behavior was so similar to my Patches.  I hope you are in a wonderful place and chasing/hunting to your hearts content.

Bastfriend,

I am crying my eyes out.  I know how much you loved, cared for and worried about Hercules.  You enabled to have a much better life.  Even though he was neutered, he chose to continue his wandering ways.  This was his nature.  He knew that you loved and cared for him and he will forever be grateful. 

You are in my thoughts.

Just popping in to add my sympathy.

I'm so sorry too.
Several of my stray/feral cats in my colony have gone missing in the three years I've taken care of them, and of course those cats are my favorites, the more sociable among them. I'm always sorry I couldn't do more for them. But we/I have to take into consideration my own resident cat and whether I think the cat is content outside and would be discontent inside.
I believe we have to take into account the cat's own desire, will, lessons they need to learn, work on. (Ellen has helped me with this and Ritz.)
Lack of closure really sucks and it's sad when one goes missing. But please know that Hercules was a happier cat--and LOVED-- when you were taking care of him--and when he was off exploring, becoming self-actualized.

 But we/I have to take into consideration my own resident cat and whether I think the cat is content outside and would be discontent inside.
I believe we have to take into account the cat's own desire, will, lessons they need to learn, work on. (Ellen has helped me with this and Ritz.)
 

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This is just so true.  It's one of the things I really struggle with when dealing with my ferals.  When I check in with the animal communicator I use, I always ask if Shadow is ready to come live inside the  house.  He never is.  He tells her maybe in 5 years.  He loves being outside even in the cold.  He always says that he has many lessons to learn.

It makes it so difficult when we wish we could do more, but at what price?  I struggle watching my 2 and sometimes 3 babies outside when it is bitter cold.  I cry and just want nothing more than to bring them inside for a warm home.  Yet, this is not their path.

When I neutered Patches in March it was one of the hardest things I had ever done.  He had been adamant that he didn't want to be neutered.  He understood my reasoning, but felt I was doing what was best for me not him.  He told the animal communicator that if I neutered him, he would never come back.  He has not been back.  I have communicated with him and is has softened to me, but his wandering ways will always be a part of him.  I just knew that I had to do the right thing and neuter him regardless of the outcome.  Yet losing him has been so hard.

I am sure there is a lesson I am supposed to learn!!

OH hun.... My heart goes out to you upon reading about Hercules. I am sooooooo very, very sorry and do know what you are feeling. First, I want to say that I think Ellen IS a gift and she helped me through some very emotional times with my dog Wilbur. I am grateful to Laurie for showing me the way to her. There are things she told me that Wilbur showed her that made my hair stand on end. Second, I too, lost a feral cat, Yogi. He disappeared one day and after a month, I knew he was gone. I, too, had a dream. I also had planned to take him in for the summer (it was April when he left) and had such painful guilt ridden feelings about not doing it earlier. It is just SO SO SO hard, agonizing, and sad when we have no control over these things. We just don't and we never will. We have to trust that we did all we knew how to do at the time and the best we could at that time and try not to have regret. As humans, all of those emotions just come to be part of the process when loving and then having to learn to let go of these feral cats whom have blessed and taught us to much. For that, I am grateful to them. We, as feral cat lovers, know that this will come again, this love, this pain. It is unavoidable if we want to continue on this path of caring for them.

Ritz said:

I believe we have to take into account the cat's own desire.

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Yes, absolutely. There was a VERY, VERY feral barn cat whom I named - Chloe and was TNRd. Vet thought she was about three years at the time. For TEN years, Chloe was extremely reclusive, barely ever showing herself to me. I fed the ferals in the basement of the farm house next to the stable. Chloe would, on occasion, sit in the window well while I did food/water and look at me. I talked with her but could never get closer than about 10 feet. One Fall, to my utter shock and awe, Chloe met me down by the side barn door that I walk out of each and everyday to go to the farm house and feed the cats. There she sat by the pillar. She never, ever went in the basement to be fed after that point. She met me at the barn door every morning!!! :shocker: IN a matter of two weeks, she was starting to venture INTO the barn lounge area. I would leave the door propped open for her all morning. Day by day, she became more and more willing to connect. Within two months, before winter hit, Chloe was officially an indoor barn cat. She slept on the couches, and soon was rubbing on my legs. SHE had decided the time had come to give up her outdoor life. She was a senior by that point and lived another three years with us inside the barn. Chloe became a lap cat, of all things. I will never forget how very, very feral she was but how SHE made that choice to become socialized and loving. It does and CAN happen, people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

p.s. Bastfriend, hope you don't mind me sharing this story in your thread.

BIG HUGS to all of you

will write more later!

Thanks Norachan, you know that dream made me wonder - I felt it was important but just couldn't tell what it meant so I'm glad I could confirmation even though it is such a sad thing.

Laurie, it is true - there is this feeling of if only I'd done this or that maybe he wouldn't have wandered so much, maybe he'd still be okay.     But you are so right, we have no control we can only offer to help them, but they are free - the good and the bad of that.   Those are some amazing stories about Ellen too!  I may call her up again to help me two indoor kitties who definitely have a dysfunctional relationship.   More back to you!

Thank you GoHolistic to you too.

Thanks also to you Shadowsrescue for continuing to ask and care about Hercules, that encouraged me to post here.   At first I felt too sad to post just wanting to be alone and depressed, but am glad I shared with all of you.   

Thanks to you Newbieneedhelp too.

Ritz, I like that a self-actualized cat!   But it is true their inner nature matters so much.   Hercules was a true feral, born to a feral mother and grew up outside but always fed first by a neighbor and then by me.   So he never experienced starving outdoors or even not having a safe place to hide as there were handy woods and bushes nearby.   I think it was a good life for him overall, just way too short

ShadowsRescue, oh that's tough knowing through the animal communicator that Shadow wants to stay out!   But I can believe it, Hercules never moved closer to me in all the months of my feeding him though he did start to "talk" when I spoke to him - he was satisfied with the status quo.    My own Patches otoh (the indoor feral mom) very clearly loves being indoors and never tries to escape - her outdoor experience was one of starving and unhappiness, so she'll take a comfy bed and cat tree.

Awww thanks Feralvr, and so sorry you went through this with your Yogi!   That is so hard you were planning to take him in soon too.   Ellen told me that animals come into our lives with a contract of sorts - perhaps these that touch our hearts so much and then leave feel their job is done (on a spirit level)?   And thanks for sharing about Chloe it's great to hear such a heartwarming feral story.    My dear Patches is ten and let's me pet her now more than ever before, no lap sitting yet though.

Again many hugs to you wonderful wonderful people  

I am so very sorry. Working with ferals is the greatest reward and greatest heartache. I love all of my cats, but the ferals just have such a deeper level. In a world where they don't trust, they have chosen to trust their caretaker. What a privilege! Hercules knows you loved and cared for him. I am happy for him he had you.

Bastfriend said:

 
   I had prayed Ellen would tell me he'd just gone to another caretaker with better vittles, but she seemed quite sure. 

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Dear Bastfriend, but that's exactly what did happen! I could not do what we do without that belief, it would just be too heartbreaking. My heart goes out to you. 

Thanks Krz - I do know what you mean they choose us and I think the powers that be choose us too.   I started out a very reluctant caretaker but ended up wanting to do so much for him.   I still hope in some parallel universe I did find him a home as a mouser at vineyard where he became beloved by all and had wines dedicated to him.  

Susank, thank you also I don't know how you guys do it who regularly take care of so many ferals.   It is rewarding but such a hard thing too.    It still seems so strange to me that we (speaking of American society here) allow creatures who are our beloved pets also to live in the wild to scrounge and starve.    It leaves only those who are moved to really invest personally to help at all.  

I am so very sorry for your loss.