I had to put my baby Moses to sleep last night. I need help

I had the greatest cat in the world. He was a 15 month old stray I got at about 3 months. He was a perfectly handsome tabby cat. I taught him how to sit on command, lay down on command, roll over, shake with his paw, hop from counter to counter when I tapped, go up, come when I call, etc. He could open my drawers, and would even open my bathroom drawers, do a pull up, crawl into it, dig everything out, close the drawer while in it, hop into the back of the cabinet, push the doors open and walk out. He slept with me every night or anytime I was on the bed or couch. He would lay between my legs or lay on my chest and lick my face. He was a licker. He was soooo cute and everybody loved him even people who don't like cats. A girl I dated who was allergic would hold him and lay with him even though her eyes would get swollen and she'd start itching. He'd hop on the kitchen table and eat with me. He loved almost every kind of food. He was a talker. He'd respond any time I spoke to him and always had a lot to say. He purred super loud. He loved to wrestle and fight. He'd drag his toys all over the place. He had a feather on a string toy and he'd drag it up and down three flights of stairs with the long rod handle dragging behind him clopping all over the place. Sometimes he'd get into attack mode and his ears would go back, he'd start to make a noise, and I'd say "don't do it" repeated times. He'd start to lunge at me and I'd grab him and throw him off the bed, he was my little hunter. He was my best friend and partner. I used to tell him that we'd be together at least twenty years(just like my last cat).

I went to NYC last Tuesday. I was supposed to leave him with this girl which I had arranged a week earlier. She got intoxicated and disappeared the night before. She stopped responding to texts around 2:00am in the morning. I sent texts out to everyone I knew as I was leaving at noon just 10 hours away. A "friend" of mine, James, responded he would take the cat. I could have left him in my house and my brother would've stopped by to feed him but I didn't want to leave him alone for an entire week. He would get upset if I was gone a whole day, I would never leave him alone for that long. So I left him with this guy...big mistake.

This guy was renting a basement from another guy. It was horrible and I should've known right then not to leave him there. This friend has always been irresponsible never keeping a car or a place for long. He's in his 30's with no direction, but I figured all he has to do is feed him and give him water. I left multiple disposable liter boxes. When I knocked on the front door the owner of the house some guy answered. He had a dog and a cat upstairs. He didn't know James was watching my little Moses. I went downstairs. There was a separate entrance for the basement. There were paint cans, and other chemicals laying around. It smelled down there. I didn't want to leave my cat, but James assured me it was fine, and that the cat would be fine. So I left.

A couple days later James texted me the cat wouldn't eat. I called him and he gave him some tuna fish and the cat ate some of that. There was no natural light in the basement, it was dreary, and I knew Moses wouldn't like it, but I figured it was only for a week and he'd have James to play with. 

Friday night I got a call from an animal hospital that my cat had been abandoned at the hospital by Darrell I guess he was the owner of the house. He didn't say what happened or what was going on just that he wasn't responsible and gave James name and number as the person watching the cat. James gave them my number and they called me. I tried to get a hold of james multiple times through text and voicemails. It is now 5 days later and I never heard from James what happened exactly.

They said it was the worst case they had ever seen and they weren't sure what had happened to him. They said the skin on his underside was completely missing and all of his organs were showing. They had stabilized him. They had him on a morphine drip with fluids. I asked what they could do and they said they could do emergency surgery to repair his small intestine, put his organs back into place, and try to flush some of the contaminants and infection out. They said it'd be $2500.00 and I told them to do it. The doctor told me there was a good chance Moses would die on the operating table from the anesthetic. He thought initially it was a dog bite.

He miraculously made it through the surgery and the doctor said he even sat up and purred with no skin. He said everyone at the hospital was invested in getting little Moses back on his feet. He said he was the sweetest cat and never complained.  He said it was a miracle there was no damage to his organs. He did say that there was still the issue of the infections to get over but the surgery was a huge hurdle. He also said that he now thought he was hit by a car and dragged.

Saturday I tried to get flights back to st. louis to cut my trip short. I had friends visit moses in the hospital. He had 5 visitors on Saturday. The hospital told me he was the most popular animal ever at the hospital and had the most visitors ever. They were changing his bandages and told me things were progressing well. 

Sunday they told me he was progressing well and on Monday they would like to move him to a skin and wound specialist. He had three more visitors on Sunday including my friends family whose kids brought Moses a toy. I arranged for a flight out Monday.

Monday I got in and went straight to the hospital. He looked sad but he perked up when I showed up. His entire body was wrapped in bandages except for his head. He was heavily drugged but he knew I was there. I was sure he was going to make it and I was so happy to be with him. We loaded him into my car with his fluids and I took him to the specialist. The doctor there told me it would cost me another $2500.00 at the specialist which I was prepared to spend.

The doctor at the specialist came out and said he was in horrible shape. She didn't think there was any chance of survival. I was shocked. I told her to run blood work and find out for real what was going on with him. She told me it would be $10,000.00 to $20,000.00 to keep him there for the week. I was floored. It doesn't cost $20,000.00 to keep a human being at a hospital for four days. But I told them do the blood work, start the process, we can do surgery in the morning, and I'll figure the money part of it out. I gave them a deposit and went to my moms house.

I called the original hospital to try and find out what had happened and why there was such a discrepancy between what the two places were saying. The original hospital called the specialist, got the results of the new blood work, and told me things looked bad. I spoke to the specialist doctor and she said his white blood cell count was way down as well as his red blood cell count. She said putting him under anesthetics would kill him at that point so she couldn't change his bandages or do surgery. She said his colon was detached and he'd have in-countenance for the rest of his life both defecating and urinating. She said his liver was beginning to shut down and his kidneys would be next. She said she could keep him alive till the morning, they could do the skin work maybe then, but he would die anyway. She told me the right thing to do was to put him down. 

I was absolutely devastated. I went back to the specialist, and sat with him in a room for over an hour. I didn't want to let him ago. They came in several times and finally I said it wasn't going to get any better. I held his head in my hands while they administered a sleeping medication and then phenyl-barbitol. He was dead in a few moments. I said thank you and ran out. I cried all the way to my moms house.

I can't even go back to my place. I slept at my moms. I can't stand the thought of walking in there without him. He won't be waiting for me at the window, he won't be laying down in front of me when I open the door waiting for me to pet him and give him a treat. He won't be following me around, attacking my leg, looking for attention. He won't follow me upstairs and hop on the bed with me or hangout in the bathroom with me. His liter box is there, his liter, his food bowl, his toys, I just can't do it. I'm starting to get upset now.

I loved Moses more then anything except for my own mother. I would've done anything for him. I was so stupid to leave him with that guy. My whole life is upside down. I haven't left my moms couch yet. I feel nauseous. Everyones been texting me support. I can't understand how this could happen to a perfectly happy healthy little 15 month old ball of joy. He was so loved and I felt loved as well. He was like a son to me. I was supposed to have twenty years with him. Not one year.

I don't want to feel like this anymore, what do I do?

Oh my. This is horrible. I am so so sorry for your loss of your dear feline friend.    I really don't know what to say, except that you have a great support team here and we're available to listen and help you through this. I won't lie - the loss you feel is huge and you're going to hurt for awhile. It's okay to cry and grieve. Gee, even I'm getting choked up right now.

I want to be more sensitive to your emotions right now, but I just want to say that I hope these "friends" won't be friends of yours anymore. Even I am hurt that they would neglect a poor kitty as they did.

With that said, all you can do is remember the good times you had with Moses and reach out to those who will support you as you are now doing. The pain will eventually pass and you'll be left with the happy memories of his love that you described in such detail in the first paragraph. 

You were betrayed by your "friends." It sounds like Moses had some kind of horrible accident, if not outright abuse. How could you know? People won't tell you in advance that they are abusers or freaks or even just undependable. I do wonder if the hospital that made the $20,000 estimate was really trying to help you see that it was a hopeless case.

Moses will leave a hole in your heart that no other cat can ever fill, so don't be ashamed to grieve for him. Also don't be afraid to get another cat. They will never completely fill that Moses-shaped hole in your heart, but you will love them in their own way.

I am so sorry that you have lost Moses, and in such a terrible way. It sounds like he was a wonderful, fun young cat and that you had a really close bond. I am sure you feel a huge loss right now and it must be all the harder that this has happened as a result of people you believed were friends and trusted with Moses' well being.  No one could think that such an awful thing would happen to a small, defenseless creature left with someone they knew, and what ever the accommodation you could not have anticipated anything like this.  I too hope that these people are no longer considered your friends, and that you have other, kinder, and compassionate people around who can be with you and support you at this time.  

Thank you all for your kind words.

I am so distraught. I still haven't left the couch at my moms house. I can't go back to my place. I am afraid to see his liter box, his toys, etc. He was the life of that house. I've had friends offer to go clean it up and get all of his things out before I go back but that won't make a difference. The counters were the counters he used to jump on, the couch with all those scratch marks are his, the bugs he used to hunt will have a free for all now....

I told them this is my pain to endure and I have to live with it. It's my responsibility. One stupid decision to leave my baby at this idiots place. I mean you wouldn't do that with your child, would you? How could I be so stupid. It's completely turned my life upside down.

Yes this guy was a moron. He finally called me back a couple hours ago. Five days after it happened and a day after Moses was put to sleep. My "friend" wasn't there and supposedly the home owner let him out by accident. He told me this story and I told him the entire thing was a fabrication and not what happened. Factually I tore it apart. In addition I told him if this guy was trying to be helpful and isn't guilty of anything he doesn't drop the cat off and run out with no information being given. Obviously something happened and I'd at least like to know for closure, although it doesn't do anything for poor little Moses.

I am so pained now and in some ways I want to feel this way. It's like I deserve it for being a shitty father when it mattered most. 

I just want him back and it's not going to happen.

Stay strong, listen to your caring friends and family, and remember that you loved your cat and did everything you could for him. You had responsibility for him but you were not the one who harmed him so badly, and you believed that this 'friend would not harm him either.

I don't think I would be able to go home right now in your situation but when the time is right for you you will decide to return, and how to live in your space there.

Everyone makes mistakes in life, and can make judgments that have terrible consequences which can be difficult to live with. We can all be bad parents, but to have harm come to those we are responsible for and not care or learn from the consequences would be far worse. Love the one you have lost, grieve and learn from the experience so you can prevent it from happening again.   Given time and support it is possible to grow stronger and wiser from these times although you may not be able to see that just now.  Try not to punish your self,  use what ever bad and painful feelings you have to grow and learn so you can give even more in future when you are ready to move forward. Do not let what ever terrible thing that happened to Moses before you got back to take away your care and compassion. Retaining your care and compassion, including for your self, is what will help you heal -  enable you to give to others, and over come some of the bad thoughts you are experiencing just now. And perhaps, eventually, offer a safe and loving home to another cat or creature who needs you if you feel that would be right for you. 

Moses Dad ~ I really don't know what to say ...what you and Moses have gone though is just so very devastating and I guess all I can say is I'm so truly sorry for your loss.  Time will heal but you need to give yourself time to mourn Moses, he was your best buddy and companion but, in time you will be able to give your love and care to another pet. Everyone here understands what you are experiencing and how deep you are hurting and we all care.  Big hugs to you. 

Moses RIP and be free to go and jump high over the Rainbow Bridge ~ you are now completely healed to run freely with all the other pets at Rainbow Bridge.   

Mickey's Mom 

I'm so terribly sorry to what happened my dear, my heart goes out to you. What an incredibly shocking experience!
 

I'm not sure if it would help, but, is there a way where there could be charges against these former "friends"? If there was a legitimate case of animal abuse (And I suspect there is, if not actually unpurpose physical abuse, then certainly neglect) you could do something about it. They deserve punishment of some sort. I would personally be horrible towards them, which is rare to ever see a 'dark' side of me. Hurt my babies, and you will face very dire consequences from me!

But, I know that is easier said then done when everything is still so fresh. If no "official" action, then at least karma will one day bite their arse.

Again, I am terribly sorry for the whole ordeal. I can totally undestand why you feel the way you feel. I think everyone else here would feel very similar to you. The pain of guilt and what if's, over the helpless trusting creatures we are suppose to love and protect, can be overwhelming.

Please don't forget that you were great to him prior to what these *Insert a variety of insulting swears* people did. Your kitty knew he was loved, he had his memories with you. Most of his life did consist of joy and warmth. You did save his life early on, and that was a blessing. Even though it was short, he left the world having had a lovely life with support around him, instead of having a life that was cut short even sooner, and likely more lonelier.

As someone mentioned, at the end of the day, take this as a valuable experience to gain. Experiences can be awful, painful and regrettable, but sometimes you have to eventually grasp it and put it under your control, instead of wallowing in despair and constant thoughts of regrets. Think to yourself "Wow, that was dreadful. But at least now I can be a stronger person because of it, and rise above it" That is also easier said than done, but it can happen.
 

Shame on those people that did what they did. At least you have real folks there for you, wonderful friends and family. We are all here for you when you need it *hugs*

Don't close your heart to saving another cat someday, when you are ready. You will be of great importance in helping out and loving another pet all the same. Those people were the real idiots, not you.
 

R.I.P Moses, a wonderful cat, you will be missed. You are all in our hearts.

I'm so sorry this happened to you and Moses.

I know you feel terrible now, but having lost beloved cats of my own I can promise you that one day you'll feel better. Give yourself time to cry and grieve and think of things you'd like to do to remember Moses.

I put together a disc of all my favourite photo's of the cat I lost with music to go with it. I watched it over and over again and sobbed, but it does help you get over the loss. I also planted a little garden with flowers that bloom every year on his birthday, it's good to have something positive to remember him by.

You're not alone, we know how you must feel. We love you and we love Moses.

I"m so sorry for you losing Moses. I understand how you must feel, but don't forget the happy times with him, and how he was such a nice kitten.

I lost Pirate, a Labrador who I lived with for 11 of his 13 years, and it was my fault. When he went for his yearly shot, I told the vet he had problems with arthritis, normal at his age. She put him on Prednisone, which I discovered, too late, is fatal for dogs, after a very short time. He was dependent, in no pain, but it was destroying his kidneys. One day he had blood running out of his penis, and I took him for his last injection.

I too held his head, and kept from crying till he took his last breath. Even after a year I still cry when I think of him.

We all make mistakes, but sometimes we can't change the result. I nursed Pirate for nearly 6 months, as he got more and more feeble. I felt so at fault, but could only give him love and comfort. He'd had a very good life, and was so loved and loving. I'll never let an animal take corticoides again, unless it's vital. 

Moses is at peace now. One day you'll meet another cat, and though you'll never love him like Moses, you'll love him for himself.

It's such a hard bridge to cross for us, who love and live with animals, especially in circumstances like yours. But your pain will become less, even if it never goes away completely. I'm thinking of you.

My condolences. It's always extremely difficult to lose a beloved pet, but particularly devastating to lose one that's so young. Moses managed to cram a lot of fun and loving into his short life, but that's small consolation. Give yourself time to grieve him. The pain does lessen in time, and some day you may find your heart is open to another cat that needs a home, and you'll be able to take him in as a sort of tribute to the love you and Moses shared.

RIP, Moses.

I am so sorry that you're going through this...... my heart aches for you. There is a group called The Association of Pet Loss and Bereavement that has regular chat room sessions (guided by experienced counselors) to help people suffering through the death of a furry loved one. I know if I was in your position, I would most definitely need some support beyond even what close friends and family could offer. Here is the website if you think it might be of benefit: http://www.aplb.org/

Peace to you.

My heartfelt sympathy on the tragic loss of your wonderful boy, Moses. I'm sorry I can't say more as I'm severely struggling with the sudden loss of my teenager Bella just two weeks ago. I'm sorry in the way you and Moses were betrayed by your "friends." This is very devastating, shocking, and heartbreaking. May you be comforted by all your wonderful memories of Moses. May precious Moses rest in peace.

Jlc20m

Thank you all for your kind and loving words. I'll try to upload some photos, an avatar, and videos when I figure out to do so. It was so fortunate that I found this site, it's been very helpful and the people are wonderful. I tried to respond to each person individually with the thumbs up and comment but it would not let me. It shows the box I type the words but there's no way for me to get it to send or accept my entry. Any help with that would be appreciated. 

So an interesting thing happened last night. I woke up this morning and got a text from James the guy who was supposed to be taking care of my cat. Apparently somebody created a bunch of flyers and flyer'd the cars in front of his work(Moses had a lot of admirers). Here is what they put on the flyers:

CAT KILLER!

Do you recognize this creep?

He's responsible for the painful and violent death of...A CAT

Gross, right?

What's more terrible is the fact that he is taking NO responsibility for it, and cannot even be found!

So, if you see this face, lock up your animals!

<half page picture of his face>

I got his text of this flyer this morning. I responded with the following text:

I, of course had nothing to do with what you just sent me and knew nothing of it until I got this text right now. I haven't left my moms house since I had to put Moses down. I'm not even sure  who knows you had Moses. I do know that Friday people were trying to figure out who your housemate was to try and get more info on how it happened for the hospital, and knew nobody could be reached. This should be a lesson to you about your going into hiding, avoidance, etc. response to the situation instead of trying to deal with and make a bad situation better. But like I said I don't anything about that, who would be responsible, and of course don't approve of it. I do think however there is something to be learned.

Twenty minutes later I sent an additional text:

I think you should show that flyer to your housemate and see what he thinks about it. It's really a reflection on how he handled things as well.

James wrote me back:

So you did that?

I wrote:

Did what?

James:

You knew about the flyers?

Me:

This is so typical of you. I sent you two messages, the first one was detailed. Why don't you re-read it. At 9:30am.

I threw the last couple messages in so you could see how scatter brained he is. He's such an idiot. I should never have left my baby with him. I'm not sure if he was looking for sympathy from me, but he was definitely barking up the wrong tree if he was looking for that. I still want to have a face to face with his housemate to find out what happened since the first story was clearly a lie, or it could be that James is so scatter brained that he couldn't get the story right. Either way I still can't muster up the courage to leave my moms and go back to Moses's house.

I keep thinking about being in the basement, working out with my club system cranked all the way up and Moses just chilling on the couches in front of the speakers listening. I don't even want to work out anymore. How am I going to lay in that bed and watch movies or tv without his company. I don't have a wife, kids, etc. I had Moses, now I'm alone. I know this all sounds pathetic but I can't get this knot out of my stomach. I am going to try that support group somebody so kindly listed, as well as take peoples suggestions at eventually getting another kitty when I'm ready. I also like the idea of doing a memorial for him. He has a facebook page with over 400 friends. Maybe I could do something on there as well. 

I'm so sorry for the other peoples losses especially the person who lost a teenager. It's all so difficult and painful to deal with. Like I said before if somebody can tell me how to do the thumbs up and individual comments I'd like to do that for all of the posts.

Thanks again for all of your support and love, it helps.

It sounds like your little guy was really popular around your neighbourhood and you have supporters you didn't even know about.  It may not be something you want to think about but Casiopea suggested possible charges for animal cruelty against your friend earlier in this thread. If there are people in your community who do know something more about what happened to Moses this might be an option. What ever helps you heal, whether it is to work through what has happened quietly with friends or to try and seek some form of justice and future protection for others.  Some form or memorial and something on his Facebook page sound really positive.  

For the individual quotes and comments if you want to do in future, I'm not sure how you've been trying to do it but it should work if you click on the 'multi' at the bottom of each post that you want to quote and when you have selected all the ones you want to include click on 'reply'.  You should then be able to type in to the editor page underneath each blue quotation box. You can delete any of the quoted text you don't want to include before you submit.  The thumbs up is one of the many little insert smileys, just click on the smiley on the top menu bar and scroll down for ages and it should be there.  Hope it works for you the next time you try.

I'm so very sorry for your loss, but remember, don't beat yourself up more then you already have, you had NO way of knowing what would happen. It was a horrible, horrible tragedy, and you did all you could. I can't think of many of us that could come up with that kind of money, although I know ALL of us would have wanted to. Please be kind to yourself. Moses was a sweetheart and would not want you to be so sad. I'm so very sorry you have to go through this, it hurts so bad because we love so much. RIP precious Moses!

Thanks for the kind words.

I definitely want to have a face to face with the housemate to find out what happened. Right now though I'm still mourning and haven't left my moms couch yet. I also would've come up with the money somehow if it would've made a difference but the doctor said there was no chance. I still feel bad like I should have had her try everything but she convinced me that I'd just be putting him through a lot of unnecessary pain...but I'll never know, maybe he would've pulled through, they said he wouldn't make it through the first surgery.

In any event, I need to go back to Moses's house tonight. I've got two early morning meetings tomorrow and need to go home. I'm really scared about walking into that place without him there. I don't think I'll be able to sleep there without him there but I'm going to give it a shot tonight. It's going to be so sad for me. I really miss my little guy.

I updated my avatar with a picture of him at around 5 months I believe. It's such a cute picture and the only one I have on this laptop(Don't worry I probably have a thousand pictures and dozens of videos, just not on this laptop). I also gave everyone a thumbs up with comments(it works now). I'm not sure if people get a notice that I gave them a thumbs up with a comment or not, but I sure hope so.

I'll update everyone how it goes tonight.

Thank you all for all your kind comments and suggestions. You don't know how much it means and how helpful you have all been.

John

 John,   

 I  am so sorry about what happened to Moses.   Even though your former friend James was such a flake,  there was no way to predict anything so horrific would happen!  and I understand you thought it would be better for Moses to have some company  instead of staying alone in your house with your brother coming by to feed him.  

It's interesting that someone spread those flyers...   I wonder if someone knows more about what happened.     

Thanks for posting  a photo. That is a very cute photo and he really is a classically handsome Brown Tabby.

Moses sounds like such a wonderful cat and you did a great job of sharing his personality with us.   He was really a character.   sounds very smart,  very funny, social and loyal.    He SHOULD have got to be with you for 20 years.  but  at least I'm glad he had such a loving home for a year.    Whatever terrible thing happened to him at the end, that was such a short part of his life compared to the happy year he spent with you before that.   

 I have felt so devastated at the death of cats I had until their old age;  I once had another cat who got out and was hit by a car & died while staying with family,   and I was very sad,  but at least I knew exactly what had happened .  I can hardly imagine what it would be like to be going through what you are, to have been so betrayed by someone you thought was a friend .   

 For me I think i would want to get another pet soon .   not as a "replacement" but another animal friend.     But  I know other people who would need to wait longer.  

Anyway   I hope in the future  whether it is soon or a long time from now,  you will some day feel ready to give a home to another cat  ...   not to replace Moses because that's impossible.   But you obviously have a lot of love to give,   and there are a lot of cats who need it.   At some point maybe you could start visiting some cats, maybe volunteer for a shelter .  don't necessarily do it with the expectation you will adopt a cat soon,   but just helping out other cats could be a way of honoring his memory.    And it's possible that some day you might meet one that you connect with and decide to bring that cat home.  

Ill post more in depth tomorrow. I'm so down right now.... I finally left my moms and went to the house.
I started to hyperventilate when I walked in. No moses in the window, no Moses at the front door. I flipped out when I sawn his liter and shoved everything in that bathroom back and closed the door. I threw his food in a closet. The worst was seeing his favorite toy in my bedroom. I started screaming and crying. I put all of his things in that closet. I started to unpack and thought I'd be ok. I took my clothes into the basement I started to close the door because I didn't want Moses to get downstairs and realized I didn't have to do that anymore. I flipped out again. Now my cables not working. It's very quiet here and I'm not alright. I really screwed up. I lost my little buddy who depended on me. I think I should go see a therapist next week. door. I threw his food in a closet. The worst was seeing his favorite toy in my bedroom. I started screaming and crying. I put all of his things in that closet. I started to unpack and thought I'd be ok. I took my clothes into the basement I started to close the door because I didn't want Moses to get downstairs and realized I didn't have to do that anymore. I flipped out again. Now my cables not working. It's very quiet here and I'm not alright. I really screwed up. I lost my little buddy who depended on me. I think I should go see a therapist next week.
It's hard to post. Im using my phone with a cracked screen. It broke at the hospital in the room just before they euthanized him. I'm gonna try and get some sleep. Thx everyone.
Gnite

Going home is really hard even when there hasn't been a shocking event like you have had to cope with and you should use all the support you can get. If you can see a therapist and think they can help then go for it, anything is worth it to feel better than you sound just now.  I hope you got some sleep but I don't think I would have managed -and I know I can get kind of like you describe in your post.  Try to find company, and know that you are needed like Moses needed you, it can really help when you feel really bad.  (I'm like Maewkaew, I had to get another cat ASAP, I just couldn't be at home on my own). I hope you manage to cope at work.