Advice on how to help one cat after the other passed away

Hello,

I lost one of my cats, Ivy, last night. I posted about it over in the Crossing the Bridge forum (http://www.thecatsite.com/t/264297/ivy-passed-away-last-night). I'm just wondering how I can help her brother best right now.

He did get to see her body, so he might know that she's dead, if cats can understand that. But all last night, and most of today, he's been searching for her, and calling out for her (it sounds so sad, it's like he's shouting for her to stop hiding and come back). It seems that the only time he calms down is when I'm cuddling with him - nobody else can keep him calm. I know that he's going through his own grieving process right now (at the moment, he's just sitting in the last place they got to cuddle together, meowing for her), but I'm worried about how he's going to take it when I can't be around. If I could take him everywhere, I would (I wish I could), but I'm afraid that he's going to become so dependent on me to calm him down that he'll get too stressed out when I leave. With school and work and stuff, I'll be gone for at least 8 hours most of the time, and I just don't know what to do.

This evening he also started doing the thing he does when he gets stressed out - twitching and grooming himself like crazy. When Ivy was in the hospital about a month ago, Oliver scratched the fur completely off in a couple of places, and I'm afraid that's what he's starting to do now.

I'm thinking about finding a new friend for him, but I want to wait a while to give him the time and space he needs to grieve, and I don't want to stress him out. (I also don't think I'm ready for another cat yet...). He and Ivy are (were ) only 5 years-old, so I know that Oliver has a long life ahead of him. The thought of one day losing Oliver after already losing Ivy is already too much, though, I don't want to add another family member to one day lose if I don't have to...

Any advice? Should I keep loving him as much as he needs, whenever I can, so that he's calm? Or is that going to make him so clingy that he won't be able to handle it when I have work and school? Thanks for your input.

I really think that if we shower their sorrow with sympathy it makes it worse, but that doesn't mean not to cuddle a lot!   It's more a state of mind.. positive and uplifting, even though you're probably not feeling much like it yourself. 

I'd certainly be 'loving him as much as he needs' 

That can be cuddling, or being a playmate.. he'll be missing that and as it's too early for a new cat, you're it!

I think a feliway diffuser could be useful in this situation, too.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I didn't even know cats grieve like. I'm a first time cat owner of a 8mo old tabby. Seeing that I don't know much about cats it would be hard for me to make and suggestion. I read story and feel for you and cat. As I think about it I bet he does miss his sister, and he can smell her throughout your house. Maybe, just maybe new toys, or even a new climbing post would be good.

...cont. slowing start removing toys they shared together, and storing them to bring them out later. his interest in new things may interest him. i pray he settles down. tell him when cries yes gone to heaven, and give a new toy. he will work his way through it i think. again im so sorry for your loss.

My four year old Milo recently passed away very suddenly from a blocked urethra.  He and my other cat Missy got along really well. I've only had Missy for about 1 1/2 years, though she's approx. 8 yrs/old. She's always lived with Milo and I really didn't see her as being an only cat, and I planned on getting another adult cat relatively soon, before she got used to being by herself? I really don't know the best way to go about it. Missy definitely knew something was up when Milo didn't come home. I didn't let her see the body, but I did place the carrier/hearse he came home in in their room, and she stopped standing still like a statue and crying; though I do think she groomed more than she usually does.

About a week after Milo died, my husband came across a kitten abandoned near woods off the side of a road. It wasn't the adult I'd planned to adopt, but Mike has been with us for 2+ months now and they seem to be getting along well. Missy definitely seemed annoyed for a bit, but I started playing with the kitten with her watching, and she very quickly joined in -- and this is a cat who NEVER PLAYED. Last night, I was hanging out on their bed (I have a designated cat bedroom so they have a refuge from the dogs) and I actually caught Missy grooming Mike! It was vigorous grooming, but it's something!

I would suggest the diffusers, and lots of happy play. I would think about getting another cat, I can't believe how much better I felt after the kitten came into our lives, it was like I was channeling the energy from my grief into giving this new cat a chance at a happy life. Good luck, I know it's so hard.

Thanks everyone. I'll definitely look into getting a diffuser. I got one when I first rescued them, for the first month they were with me, and I think it helped with their transition from their old home to mine. I had forgotten about those. Thanks for reminding me!

I do also have a new cat climbing tree thing on the way. I had ordered it last week, as I wanted to get them something nice. It looks like it might be too big for Oliver now, but I think I'll keep it anyway, if guys think the new toy might help.

And maniacmaddy - I'm really sorry about Milo. I'm glad you found a new friend to bring into your family, though! I'll keep my mind open to the possibility of a new family member, myself, I just think I'll wait a little bit longer.

I'm really sorry that you have lost Ivy, and that you are worried about Oliver.  I think you have received some useful advice, and what is best for your family will come to you in good time.

I would try the diffuser and not rush any decision, either for your self or Oliver. 7 years ago my own experience was a very unexpected one.  I had had 2 sisters from 9 weeks of age and they had been extremely close for many years. Gradually from when they were in their teens they spent less time grooming each other and didn't sleep together any more but still shared everything, and both lived in my small apartment as indoor cats. When I suddenly lost one shortly before her 18th birthday I was initially very concerned about her surviving sister. Pal would prowl around the apartment, miaowing loudly and constantly searching, looking for her sister. I do think she understood her sister was extremely ill just before she crossed the RB but did not see her as it happened at the vet's surgery.  What happened after about 10 days however was quite remarkable.  She stopped her calling and searching, and actually seemed to become a very relaxed cat:far more so than she had ever been before.  Initially I thought maybe she was getting depressed but it quickly became apparent that she just didn't feel the need to be on the look out any more, no other cat to stray in to her space or jump her when she didn't expect it.She could sleep and not get any unexpected paws telling her to get off, or not eat second.  I talked it through with my vet and a ffew other people as she seemed quite transformed. The conclusion was that she had been the less fit of the 2 and had become the non dominant cat.Once she was on her own she could relax and feel safe in her space. I had initially thought I would get another cat to keep her company but once I observed her settle I decided that for her the kindest way to let her spend her remaining pensioner years was in a nice warm comfortable home of her own where she had no competition. She was the happiest I had ever known her in those last 4 years of her life. I resisted bringing in a new member in to my family until Pal passed over the RB to see her sister again.

 If you watch Oliver and see how he adjusts and copes with this loss over the next week or so I suspect he will tell you what he would like from you.  I wish you all well and hope that his over grooming stops as he becomes less stressed.  

Take care of your self. 

Dear Papaya, sorry for the loss of your cute cat. I know and understand how it feels. I had lost my precious cat about year and half and she had left little kitten behind. You would not believe that kitten (now have become a grown up cat) still cries for his mum. Also he has come out to be very shy and introvert cat.

What all you need is to give lots of care and love to your Oliver. Bring him new toys and new things to distract his mind. Play with him and talk to him. you can add another kitten in coming times but not now. Also try not to mourn the one who has died. I mourned a lot cried in front of the kitten and now he has developed shyness and fear. What I did was wrong I suppose. Though I never showed him his mum's body and he still waits for her sometimes. So be happy in front of Oliver and play a lot so that he thinks you as a playmate for the time being you add another cat. Rest all the members have given good advise. Lots of love and blessings to dear Oliver.

So sorry for your loss. Whether or not to get another cat depends on your cat but also on you! One time I felt I adopted too soon and the cats didn't get along. they got into huge fights.That was very distressing and I was not in an emotional capacity to handle it. Earlier with a different cat when his brother passed away he did the same thing, cried out for him and looked for him. I spent every night on the couch with that cat for several days or weeks after. 3 months later I adopted a new sweet cat and at first they don't like each other but eventually they were friends. So best of luck to you. In whatever you decide.

Thank you everyone for continuing to give me advice and support.

Oliver actually seems to be doing much better now. He's still searching and meowing for her, but he does it less and less each day, and seeing him get better each day has definitely made it easier for me to cope as well. I don't know if it's still too soon for me to bring in another family member, but the rescue association that I got Oliver through initially has some beautiful cats in need, so maybe in a few weeks I'll bring one in as a foster, to see if they get along, and then permanently adopt after a couple months. I've been trying to play with Oliver as much as I can, but he just doesn't play with me the same way he used to play with Ivy - they would run all over the house together. I play with string toys, and balls and stuff, and he loves that, but I want him to have a playmate while I'm gone at school and work, too...

I know that nobody will be able to replace Ivy, for me or for Oliver. But maybe bringing in another family member won't be as hard as I thought, and maybe beneficial for Oliver, too. I'm still going to wait a little bit, since I don't want to rush the decision, but at the same time, I don't want to hesitate to save a life of another cat in need.

I'm so sorry for your loss! :grphug: I've lost many cats over the years and not so different than humans, cats have their own way to grieve over the loss of their friends. I've had some respond marvelously when I adopted a new cat, and others that just wanted to be left alone for a while. Those that are more cat-oriented rather than people-oriented seem to like a new cat friend.

If you bring in a new foster and it doesn't seem to work out, don't give up on adoption. Oliver may just need more time to adjust to life without Ivy.