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It seems like the time.....

post #1 of 15
Thread Starter 
To tell you this. inspired by Tamme's thread.

My Biological dad was only with my mother for two months and then he fled to Scotland. I have never seen him since and personally NEVER want to.

Then my mum went out with a guy called Mike for a few years he's the only person I call Dad. We still see each other lots I him.

Then for 11 years of my life My mother went out with Ian, and he was my step dad, He still is to me and we still see each other.

Now my mother goes out with a guy called Tom he's nothing but my mothers partner to me.

I don't wanna have four dads, I have one dad and a loving caring person who raised me, Ian.

This thread has reduced me to tears, I hope you understand and I felt it was the time to say(Since I'm getting to know you well) I'm not looking for sympathy or anything just I wanna hear your views.

post #2 of 15
Like it said in one of the post's by Tamme.......You only have one true dad and that's the one who was there for you and loved you. You have Ian. Your mom may date other men but you don't have to consider them anything but a friend for you. ((HUGS))

Everyone's family is different like mine. I have a totaly of 5 brothers and sister but I only know 2 of them. and out of all of them only one of them is my full blooded sibling. But since my sister was raised by my Dad and not her own she is my FULL sister.

It doesn't matter if they are truly a member of your "family" it just matters that they are there and care and love you.

Smile and be thankful you had Mike and Ian in your life.
post #3 of 15
I can tell you from personal experience that a good Stepdad is better to have around than a bad "real" Dad.

I haven't seen my biological father since I was 11(I'm now 28) and my opinion on THAT is good riddance to bad rubbish. My stepdad is fantastic. He's there for my brothers and sisters and I, and spoils my kids rotten. My mother died in June and my "father" didn't even call to see how we were doing.(He did know she had passed, his mother sent flowers and called every other day for two weeks checking up on us.)

You're very lucky to have Mike and Ian in your life, and there is NOTHING wrong with you calling them whatever you're comfortable with. As for your biological father, sometimes an absentee father can be a blessing in disguise.
post #4 of 15
Sam, the other thing to realize from what Tamme wrote is that she did not even think about contacting her biological father until she was an adult. Right now you need the security of one "dad" who loves you, who you can count on, and who is a stable presence in your life. That is Ian.

In another 10 years, you might be in a way different place emotionally, and have some reasons to have a different kind of relationship with the others, but for now, you just keep focussing on your one Dad. You don't need 4.

And you know that some people are perfectly happy their whole lives never ever contacting biological parents. Its not something anyone "has" to do, and there are lots of issues that may be negative as well as positive.

And of course, you have this huge family of cyber aunties and uncles and sisters and brothers......
post #5 of 15
I stated my views about "dads", in the other thread. What matters, are the people who love you.

My biological father does not like strong-willed independent women - his loss. Over the past 30 years, he's popped into town and contacted my brothers but, not me.

My son, Mark has never met his father, who took off before Mark was born. It took a lot of years, for Mark to figure out that the people who are there for you matter more than someone who happened to contribute half of your DNA. I think that not having his father around, will make Mark a better father, though. He doesn't want the twins to go through what he did.
post #6 of 15
Sam, my fiance and his siblings never knew their father. Their parents divorced and the dad was never in the picture. We found out that the dad was an alcoholic and drug addict, so just as well he wasn't around, IMO. There is also the possibility of other children by him, half-siblings of my fiance. We may never know.

The point I am trying to make is one others have mentioned, you have a dad, the man who raised you. Ian obviously did a good job, along with your mum, you seem to be a great person.
post #7 of 15

Both of my parents were remarried. My mother is on husband #3. I would never even think to call either of these other men anything other than "my mother's husband". My dad was remarried to my stepmother for over 20 years. She is a very nice woman, and while my dad was alive, she made him extremely happy. For that, she has my eternal gratitude. Although I wouldn't exactly say that my mother and I are on the best of terms, I still never felt that Ann was like a mother to me at all. Perhaps a friend at best.

My kids' father has a girlfriend who lives with them. I don't think they consider her to be a mom either. Ask Allie (pythagorus). She would be able to give you her own insight.

I don't believe in the line of thinking that just because a parent is in a relationship with another, that person is automatically granted 'mom' or 'dad' status. A long time ago, a friend of mine had a stepfather who insisted the kids call him "Dad" from day 1. (Their real father had died of lung cancer at age 38.) There was a lot of resentment from the kids, who felt bullied into calling this other guy "Dad".
post #8 of 15
sam, it sounds like you have all your marbles lined up just right, you are a very smart girl, you are lucky to have Ian, he sounds like he means alot to you, i hope you and him are always apart of each otheres life.. you will go far in this world sam you have a good head on your shoulders, always use it..
post #9 of 15
Sam, I can't say much more than the others but 100% agree with them. A Dad is much more than who helped make you...it's the one who loves you.

I understand somewhat of how you are feeling & what you are going through. My only sibling Marc is adopted & he was told that when he turned 5. He had never met his bio. mother & she refused to tell my parents who his father is. Marc has never been treated any different that I have by my family or by anyone else who knows. It's funny when I happen to tell someone that Marc is adopted. No one can believe it. They say he looks just like me & etc. Now that he's 18, he has the chance to find his biological parents but he doesn't want to ever meet them. He might change his mind after a few years, but if he doesn't that's ok. It's his decision. He knows that he had a much better life with his family then if he was with her. He is more concerned about finding his brothers & sisters at this point. The woman that gave birth to him has never called or attempted to see him in the past 18 years. I know that has to leave some scars deep down on him, but he wouldn't admit though.

My whole point about all of this is, you might want to give him a chance later on in life. Count your blessing Sweetie...thank your lucky stars that you have 2 Dad's that care so much about you. There are many people out there that would love to just have one, but don't have someone to call "Dad".
post #10 of 15
Thread Starter 
I have found it interesting reading each others views on this. "Les" My bio- dad came to Wellington a few months ago and rung and asked to see me- mum told me he never liked kids and never wanted any. I said No of course he wasn't there for me so why should i be there for him? Yes I have Ian & Mike. I text Ian nearly every day and even though dad(mike) doesn't have a phone we write to each other.

Thanks for the kind words also-

post #11 of 15
Thread Starter 
Originally posted by Shell
He knows that he had a much better life with his family then if he was with her.
This is how I feel Shell- Mum raised me treating people with respect but I can't respect someone who didn't have the guts to raise me- I have a family( My Nana(Mikes mum) got us into breeding cats and if i didn't have cats i would never be at TCS!)
post #12 of 15

I am glad you have cats then, for knowing you is a joy. Just because someone is named as a father on your birth certificate, does not make him so. Especially if he has little or nothing to do with you. But it would be wise to keep your heart open just a little towards your biological father, and when you are an adult, and have a life and are settled in it, perhaps expecting your first child with your husband, perhaps then, you might make a step towards this man. It is up to you. Some of us with real dads simply wish we had others to choose from- you are lucky in that way, as you have a bunch, and your heart can make the right choice about who is good, and who is not!
post #13 of 15
The important thing is that you have so many people that love you. That is more importnt then anything. What you call them or don't call them is just a name. What matters is what is in your heart. Biology doesn't make a parent!
post #14 of 15
Sam, I agree with Shell. Just count your lucky stars you have someone. I grew up all my life never knowing who my dad was and never having anyone to call dad. My mother decided, I guess, that she didn't like men and never had anything to do with them. Except one when I was very little and that didn't last more than a month or so I think. I never had anyone to call dad. No one to show me how to love and be loved. Count yourself very lucky Sam.
post #15 of 15
Thread Starter 
Thanks for everyones views.
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