I met my biological father

tamme · Oct 4, 2003

yesterday and it went really well. I mostly look like my mom but I have a few characteristics of him as well. I get my curly hair and freckles from him for sure and my grama says a little something in the eyes. I met my 11 year old step-sister too and she's just a little cutie! She got to skip the last half of the school day to meet me too!

I couldn't believe it.

Anyways, he seems real nice and he cares for me alot. He wanted to know all about my childhood and where I got my little scars from (falling off my bike). He was scared I was going to berate him for not being there all my life. But I knew he wanted to be there it was just my mom who prevented it. Oh well, that's all over and I'm an adult and can make my own decisions, right? right.

Well, anyway, sorry for going on and on, but I thought you all might want to know how it went.

cheeseface · Oct 4, 2003

It sounds like it was a positive experience for both of you. -interesting stuff. That's what The Cat Lounge is all about.

hopehacker · Oct 4, 2003

I think it's great that you got to meet your real father, as well as your little step sister. I'm sorry you were prevented from knowing him all these years.

tamme · Oct 4, 2003

yeah and there are still things I'm discovering about my family. It might have been a good thing to not meet him until now because it's established that my dad is my dad and my father will be someone I'll get to know and maybe get close to. Confusion of boundaries is the worst.

purrfectcatlove · Oct 4, 2003

I think that is great . Now you can start to get to know him better . I wish I could meet my real dad too

. So I am so happy for you .

valanhb · Oct 4, 2003

I remember how much you agonized over whether or not to get to know him, even in letters. I'm so happy for you that this meeting went so well! Adding to the people who love you is never a bad thing.

kiwideus · Oct 4, 2003

I remember you posting about whether you would contact him or not. I am glad that you got the chance and now that you got along. It is wonderful.

hermoine · Oct 4, 2003

I am glad you got to meet him and that he was interested.

Ifound my real dad a few years ago, well more than a few, but he wasn't interested in getting to know me. Really, he didn't want anything to do with me nor any of his family. I had met some cousins and they seemed nice and interested until I had heard from my dad and then they wouldn't talk to me anymore. He actually tried to tell me I wasn't his. My mother says otherwise, go figure?

purrfectcatlove · Oct 4, 2003

Hermoine I am so sorry aboud your reall dad . My heart is going out for you ((((HUGS))))

hermoine · Oct 4, 2003

Thanks Hedi

katl8e · Oct 4, 2003

Speaking from experience, your "real" dad is the guy who's always been there, for you.

Mom married Howard, when I was 12. HE was there, when I graduated from high school, when I got married, when my children were born and when my husband died. Howard taught me how to drive a car and to ride a motorcycle and bought me my first car. When Numbnuts deserted me and left me high and dry, Howard drove 400 miles and helped me pack up my life and move back to Tucson. He taught my sons how to fix cars, do household repairs and to pee standing up. Howard IS my "real" dad.

Tamme, I'm sure that your situation is different from mine and I'm glad that your biological father has turned out to be a nice man. Just don't exclude the man who raised you.

Hermione, its rough when someone, who's SUPPOSED to love you and take care of you, doesn't. I got lucky, getting Howard, for a stepfather. He doesn't always approve of me but, he ALWAYS loves me.

purrfectcatlove · Oct 4, 2003

kat18e how wonderfull

what a sweet man Howard is .

mzjazz2u · Oct 4, 2003

That's so cool you got to meet your biological father. Was it his daughter you got to meet? If it is then she is your half sister! How cool is that??

jellybelly · Oct 4, 2003

Aww my heart goes out to all of you and in some way I think I am lucky that I do not know my biological parents for the pain and suffering that I see of those who know of their fathers or mothers, but for whatever reason, they are left in a sour situation or a lot more pain. Hugs to all of you.

tamme · Oct 4, 2003

Originally posted by mzjazz2u
That's so cool you got to meet your biological father. Was it his daughter you got to meet? If it is then she is your half sister! How cool is that??

It was his daughter by marriage, his new wife had three daughters. So she's my step-sister. She's got four step-sisters herself, so I guess that means I've got 5 step-sisters by marriage.

Jellybelly, not all situations turn out bad. It took me a long time to finally get in contact with my father. And I never actually contacted him per-se, it was his mother I wrote, but he responded.

I could never forget the man who raised me. He was one of the reasons I delayed on contacting my FATHER. I didn't want my DAD thinking I wasn't going to love him anymore.

I didn't tell them I met him. I figure I'm an adult and I can make my own choices, but I know my mom will be hurt because she wanted to be there (to protect me I guess). But if she was there she would just start rehashing the past and that's exactly what I wanted left out of the meeting.

So now how do I bring it up to them? Just let them bring it up in a year or so? and casually say "oh yeah I met him, it went well" and change the subject? What do you all think????

jellybelly · Oct 4, 2003

Yikes! Do you have to tell her you met him? That would not make a good christmas conversation LOL! I can see it like a movie, everyone gets quiet when you say it

Sorry I'm trying to make light of the situation.

On a serious note, I have no idea, depends on how you think she would react, either a letter to her, if she's more susceptible to reading stuff like that, or calling her, either way, be prepared for her reaction. And you are an adult, there isn't anything wrong with you contacting your father, it's your right, regardless of how she felt.

Personally, I always feel that it's the child's right to know who his/her parents are, no matter what their problems were with each other. How can a parent deny their child that dignity? How else would you know, why you do or say or act a certain way that is different from your mother or father? Every day I look in the mirror and wonder who do I look more like or who do I take after more, my feet are big, is it my fathers or my mothers, my hands have slender long fingers, is it my mothers or fathers? So this I feel you had every right to find out who your father was and to meet him. Never let her take that away from you, and don't let her make you feel guilty for doing it. I commend you immensely for even stepping up to the plate and looking. Lots of hugs to you and the others who have gone through similar situations.

kev · Oct 5, 2003

I think its briliant you and him have met up - my parents split up when I was 12 and my mother tried everything to stop me seeing him. I suddenly developed interests in fishing etc that would take me out on a weekend to arrange to meet him. When he left for Canada (I was 14) I was devastated. I can recall that day he flew out and I sat and watched the sun set to the west knowing he was on the flight heading that way brought me to immense tears.
I see my father every couple of years, we either fly out or its vice versa and he flies here to the UK.
Even though the distance, miles and waves seperate us, we meet up at the airport when one of us comes through control. My step mother always gets the first hug (gentle thing) but then my dad and I - it slike the meeting of two ships head on and its a struggle to see who lets go first. We always cry at the meetings and must be quite emotional to watch for an outsider.
I would say to you - and speaking as a parent to our 4 year old - if your father wants it - hold onto him and hold on tight, never let go.
You will suddenly find you have an incredible bond that is like my father and I and despite the miles etc that are between us and everything else that went on, when we are together - the bond is that tight you could not get a hair between us.
If you want can happily send you a photo of us and I dont regret a day of it.
Start living your life as Paul Stanley said - now driving a car with no mirrors - dont look back and I wish you everything that I now have with my father and more.
Kev

kev · Oct 5, 2003

Originally posted by Tamme
[
I could never forget the man who raised me. He was one of the reasons I delayed on contacting my FATHER. I didn't want my DAD thinking I wasn't going to love him anymore.

You have not seen him long - love is something that you cannot explain, almost like a tree - it starts as the tiniest seedling, then with care and nurturing - it grows and grows. You never stopped loving him. In the past it was like the tree had no leaves now you have the chance to put those leaves on the tree and fill it out in a way that neither of you would expect. See him for what he is, accept him for the person that he is and nurture it. Make an effort to see him and vice versa. Hell if I had a daughter such as you - I would be incredibly proud to know you. As you walk together and in time, take his arm and talk - there is nothing more powerful than touch.

I didn't tell them I met him. I figure I'm an adult and I can make my own choices, but I know my mom will be hurt because she wanted to be there (to protect me I guess). But if she was there she would just start rehashing the past and that's exactly what I wanted left out of the meeting.

My mum hates and I mean hates the fact I am in daily contact with my father - the divorce was messy - no one else involved - just they fell out of love. I accept that my mum is hurt that I still see my dad - however, she now wants nothing to do with me and I accept that. She knows when she wants me that I am here - she knows my no. However, when the subject of my father comes up - it always turns nasty and he is blamed for everything I am inc my depression. I defend him totally and can understand him. Mum did her best to raise you and inc your stepfather - it sounds like they did an incredible job. I would be proud to have you as a daughter. If it aint broke - dont fix it - when the time is right, then fair enough but leave it be. Dont say anything. Its early days - see how it goes then tackle it. You have time for sure on your side.

So now how do I bring it up to them? Just let them bring it up in a year or so? and casually say "oh yeah I met him, it went well" and change the subject? What do you all think???? [/b]

As above and with it - I send you my best wishes, both Carol and I do - we both went through similar situations as I mentioned above.

Kev

sammie5 · Oct 5, 2003

Tamme, this is wonderful. I remember how much you struggled with the decision to start the contact. I'm so happy to hear that he was receptive to meeting with you.

As for your mother, all I would think is that she is going to be upset no matter what happens here. Will she be more upset in a year or so knowing that you went "behind her back", or more upset now knowing that you are going to start corresponding and visiting regularly.

And having a whole bunch of step sisters - what fun! Its an instant family!

dougbug · Oct 5, 2003

i think that is great that you got to meet him, i think any child has the right to meet their bio. parent if they choose too, congrats. i hope you stay in touch..

I met my biological father

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