Fear and loathing... in the passing of my kitty

My kitty Pearl passed away about 2 months ago. She had numerous health problems by that time, and she was euthanized at home with me.

I thought the worst of my grief was over, but I had a terrible dream last night.

I had a dream that, in her final months as she began to slide into serious illness, I had been convinced to put her up for adoption and send her away.

A couple months later, I found out she was still up for adoption. I went to visit her.

For some reason, she was being kept in a filthy basement full of cockroaches. It was dark, and she was all alone down there. She'd been put in some kind of "reject" pile and cornered off. She had sores all over her body and missing patches of fur. She was so depressed and lonely and sick. The dream was so vivid I actually recall the feeling of her damaged skin under my fingers.

I took her back home, and that's when I woke up.

This is not something I could ever imagine myself doing, obviously. I don't know where this dream came from, or where this guilt is coming from.

My only idea is that it's related to my last apartment.

My last apartment was a duplex that wasn't in the best neighborhood. I had been charmed by the beautiful turn-of-the-century building, without looking at the shape it was in or the location. It was a silly mistake.

It turned out my downstairs neighbor was a hoarder, and I wound up with her cockroach infestation migrating into my apartment. It was impossible to get rid of because there were so many cracks in the infrastructure of the building, and they would just hide and then come back again. It was also complicated to treat because I had Pearl there, and I didn't want them spraying in places she would go. I actually had the kitchen totally sectioned off for a while to keep her out, but I worried anyway.

I did move somewhere much better about 6 months before she died.

Pearl had been sick since before we moved there. I know, at least intellectually, that this didn't cause her illnesses.

But this is the first time I have lost an animal of my own. Some childish part of me believes that if I had done a good enough job, she just wouldn't have gotten sick at all, and she'd still be here.

I didn't know I was still harboring that kind of guilt, but that dream has put me in an awful mood.

I think you're sorting through your emotions. They can be very complicated. You know "intellectually" that you didn't cause her illness but the dream sounds like you're not sure emotionally. Accept the message - you are NOT responsible, so you can believe it entirely.

I'm sorry for your loss. It will take awhile to fully grieve. Take your time and think of all the good things.

Pearl

Ondine said:

I think you're sorting through your emotions. They can be very complicated. You know "intellectually" that you didn't cause her illness but the dream sounds like you're not sure emotionally. Accept the message - you are NOT responsible, so you can believe it entirely.

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Lilin said:

But this is the first time I have lost an animal of my own. Some childish part of me believes that if I had done a good enough job, she just wouldn't have gotten sick at all, and she'd still be here.

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It's natural to second guess yourself, and it may take some time to accept that there are things beyond our control, and we just have to do the best we can under the circumstances. I'm very sorry for your loss.
RIP, Pearl.

Thank you guys. I know you're right, but for some reason it's hard to accept. Like with good enough care, they'd just live forever.

That's childish and silly to believe, but Pearl was the cat who saw me through my childhood. Even in her old age, some part of me saw our relationship in terms of what it was when I was a kid.

I'm really nervous right now. I opted for what is apparently a rather non-traditional method of dealing with her body. I opted to have her skull preserved. I think of it kind of like cremation, except I know what bone I'm actually looking at.

I went with a taxidermist who uses natural processes (beetles), so her body could go back to the soil, so to speak, leaving only the bone. It takes a couple months. I should be getting her remains back any day now.

I'm worried about how I'll react. I think it's a beautiful tribute, which is why I did it; the anatomy of cats is so unique, and there's so many beautiful things to do with bone.

But I wonder how I'll feel being confronted with it. I thought I was over the childish guilt. I'm clearly not.

Pia has been helping me with that a lot, in her strange, shamanic way. And perhaps seeing it will help me.

It's never childish to feel the way you do. It's human. As Ondine said so well, this is your way of sorting through your emotions in your own time. I think your plan for her remains is lovely. I'm not sure if you thought about this way, but the images in your dream could also be influenced by where her remains are now. The basement with the cockroaches is not unlike being buried with the beetles. The one big difference being that she is not suffering, I suppose that part of the dream comes from the guilty feeling you described. I think the dream is preparing you for the return of her remains and you will be able to sort through your feelings when the process is complete. Best wishes.

I felt like a hit man asking the vet to come.

I feel for you, it is so hard to lose a pet you love so much, I lost my special boy 3 years ago
and I still go through the wudda, shoulda, coulda but I know that putting him to sleep was the best
thing I could have done, dont feel bad about having dreams and doubts, you will have these from
time to time, just know deep in your heart you gave your baby a wonderful life, you did nothing wrong and only did the most unselfish thing you could do in the end, too many people make their babies hang
on becasue they cant bear to lose them instead of doing what is best for the cat/dog. I hope
your heart heals and you are able to smile when you speak about Pearl who shared so much
of your life.

It's natural to feel guilt and go through all the what-ifs when our furbabies die, and we all need to mourn in our own way.  I wish I would have handled my Chrissy's remains differently now, I wish I would have kept SOMETHING of her. All I have is the little bits of hair I found later. It's normal for you to be nervous, expect to cry when you first see that part of your baby again, but she is beyond hurting anymore, her soul has departed. A little part of it is in your heart forever.  I'm so sorry you have to go through all the sorrow, please accept my condolences. RIP beautiful Pearl, you were greatly loved.

Do not forget that the body is an empty vessel. Her soul/spirit left her with her last breath to go to somewhere better. There is no more suffering for her. Just green fields, sunny days, blue skies and happiness until you come to her. Be at peace as well now. God bless.

Thank you guys. You're the best.

I knew she was gone the moment she passed. I think I actually said it out loud. I was on the floor with her, nuzzling my face to hers, as the vet gave her the injection (she was euthanized at home with me). She was gone within moments, and I felt her go. I moved back to look into her eyes, and before the vet had even listened for a heartbeat, I already knew. I said something like, "This isn't Pearl anymore." She was still beautiful, but her "Pearl-ness" was gone.

Pia has helped a lot. I was still in full-swing grief when I took her home. I hadn't planned on getting another cat as soon as I did. She just sort of popped up on the radar, and I knew I was her person as soon as I saw the videos people were trying to get around about her. I see people posting about adoptable cats all the time, but Pia was just different.

She's almost the polar opposite of Pearl. Where Pearl was a loud, proud, leader kind of cat, Pia is a quiet, thoughtful sort of shaman kitty, who just seems to know things. She has helped me a lot with my grief, as well just the healing that almost always happens when you care for a wonderful creature. It's completely different from Pearl, but I already love her so dearly.

It's easier to remember the happy times now, and to feel ok about how I rose to the occasion of her illness. I never knew I was strong enough to hold a creature I love while they seized, awaiting a vet who would put them to death, and think about nothing other than trying to comfort her and get her through it. In that moment, I didn't grieve or get upset. I had no other thought in my mind except, "I'm going to get her through this. I'm going to get her to peace."

She just wouldn't let go. I think she hung on for me. Her final illness hit like lightening, and she went from ok to terminally ill with liver failure within 12 hours. I really can't believe she didn't die before the vet even got there. She just wouldn't let go unless I said it was ok. Whenever I had to set her down, she would try to get to her feet and be by me and comfort me by smurgling my chest. That's what she'd do whenever I was upset. Comfort me!? She was the one who was dying. But that's how she was. So it became my responsibility to decide she had done enough for me, and that I could let her go and be at peace.

I had no idea I had that in me. I really didn't.

I felt a bit like a hitman afterwards. Not during -- my focus was clear, and I knew she needed help. But afterwards, I felt terrible. All the "what if's."

But I have gotten to a point where I realize that what I did that day was show the best of myself, and thank her for all her many years of loving me more than she loved herself.

And now I'm crying again. *sigh* I'll always miss her.

sending you massive hugs from Australia! Pia is so lucky to have such a caring and loving home, no doubt Pearl probably chose her for you. That's how I became a carer for cats and kittens, when Josh
died I got more cats hoping one of them would be like him but of course they never were each has their own wonderful personality. Then my vet asked me to foster 2 kittens and the rest is history, I now have 9 babies of my own and an endless list of foster babies in and out my door and love hearing how they are going with their new families. Sometimes through sadness comes wonderful possibilities. Keep loving Pia and treasuring those memories of beautiful Pearl, the pain never goes away it just becomes easier to live with.

Cat-astrophe said:

sending you massive hugs from Australia! Pia is so lucky to have such a caring and loving home, no doubt Pearl probably chose her for you. That's how I became a carer for cats and kittens, when Josh
died I got more cats hoping one of them would be like him but of course they never were each has their own wonderful personality. Then my vet asked me to foster 2 kittens and the rest is history, I now have 9 babies of my own and an endless list of foster babies in and out my door and love hearing how they are going with their new families. Sometimes through sadness comes wonderful possibilities. Keep loving Pia and treasuring those memories of beautiful Pearl, the pain never goes away it just becomes easier to live with.

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You know, I've wondered if Pearl hung out here in spirit for a while. I am not a religious person, but our minds are made of electricity and energy. Who knows where it goes when our body dies.

The first night I took Pia home, she was very anxious. She's had a destabilized life up to now, and she's introverted, so she was hiding a lot.

But as soon as she came out, she came straight to the spot on the floor where Pearl died. There isn't anything special about it. I simply chose it because being off the ground seemed to make her feel dizzy, so I wanted to keep her grounded. She was resting on top of blankets, which had been removed and washed. And I had cleaned the carpet before I brought Pia home. So there shouldn't have been anything particularly enticing about that spot.

But Pia went there all the same -- practically made a b-line for it -- and sat down, looking up. She called into nothingness, looking very intently at something I couldn't see, and cocked her head in silence for a moment. And then she got up and left the spot. She hasn't ever done anything like that since.

I wonder if she knew Pearl had died there -- if she was saying hello, offering peace, whatever it may have been.

For the first couple months, I would see her watching something invisible very intently. Tracing it around the room. Almost always when she was in bed with me, where Pearl always slept.

Little plastic stoppers -- literally a dozen of them -- from nothing I've been able to identify, started showing up all over my apartment . Pia loved to play with them. The more she played with them, the more there were.

And then, after a couple months, all these oddities started fading away.

I wonder if Pearl had stayed for a while, and when she saw I was gonna be ok, decided it was ok to move on.

It wouldnt surprise me if Pearl was there in the least bit, Pia was obviously tuning into something.
I am so glad you got her, it sounds like it will be the first time she has had a truly stable and loving home.
All the best to you and Pia, you are a match "made in Heaven"!

Oh you gave me the shivers. My lotto went in may and I also felt like a hit man arranging for the vet to come. He'd been very bad that day but I also kept asking myself did I do the right thing and now I'm crying even though I have 2 new kitties. One I got end of July I think and what the other about a month ago. But they're not lotto. I had him for 18 years. If he had really been my son he would've been in the army now.
Lotto also used to look as if he was looking at something I couldn't see. It may have been his sister who went to rainbow bridge 3 years earlier. I was at the vet to send her. I didn't know they would come to the house. I went in the evening when the more sympathetic vet was there. My ex came with me but not into the surgery. The vet let me hold her and brought me a chair. Mom I have to dry my eyes. I saw her soul leave her body as her eyes turned grey. The vet left the room and I held her so close, something she would never have let me done, and I soaked her fur. I cried and cried. There were people outside waiting to see the vet so I had to leave. I have nowhere to bury my animals so she went to 'potters field'. The vet took her from me and I'd brought a pillowcase to put her in and that was that. I was still crying and the nurse/receptionist/girl Friday' came to hug me hard and we left. While I was in there my ex took the cage home and came back so I wouldn't have to see the empty cage. I cried all the way home which was by foot. He also wept a bit. As you see I'm still crying over even though she was such a spiteful little thing. The kids and grandkids were supposed to come that Friday night. It's our sabbath eve. My ex phoned them to cancel. My son presumed it was Lotto and was surprised that it was Gentle. A misnomer if ever there was one. Then he phoned our daughter. Soon after that Lotto became unwell and depressed. Probably because of Gentle although they didn't get on. They tolerated each other but sometimes Lotto would bullyboy her. She was a very small cat. I spoke to the vet and she suggested a kitten for him. I went to a shelter and brought home 2 gorgeous kittens. Sisters. Daisy a tabby and Lily a calico. They were so funny. Not that Lotto thought so. Didn't like them at all especially Lily. She was cheeky. Attacked his tail and hissed back at him. No respect. They came out of the cage and behaved as if it was their house. No fear just exploring. They were so happy. Never bit or scratched. They may have put their teeth over a finger but never bit. Not like my Gentle. They were about 4 months old. When I moved them to a covered litter tray with a window they just stared at it. I took Lily and put her through the window. She came straight out but then went in and christened it. She came out, went to Daisy and sat next to her and then Daisy got up and went in herself. Lily was the leader. Of course she was. She was calico. After a few weeks they stopped eating and drinking and their tummies swelled. The vet said FIV looking at the liquid she took out of their stomachs. And that was that. 3 kitties in one year. When it was time for Lotto I called the son of a friend of mine who's a vet. He came and did the deed and took him to the hospital to be cremated.
After that I was quite ill. Then I went into hospital and after I was very weak and the family wouldn't let me get another cat. I needed one so badly. In august/september the woman at the vet asked if I'd like a siamese. What a question. He'd been abandoned. About 8 months. Not done and not vaccinated. That all got done. Then about september/October via my daughter I got a lovely black and white 2 month old street cat. He was tiny. So pretty. Funny little face and big ears. Once he got brave enough to show himself he and whisky bonded. They are together all the time. He must be the cleanest cat in the country the amount whisky washes him and blighty seems to think he is his mummy and suckles and whisky lets him. It's amazing.
So you see I know how you feel. I'm still crying after 4 years.

I. too, think their spirit stays for a while. I kept finding my Chrissy's distinctive ringed hairs on top of my vanity for months afterwards, even after many cleanings and vacuuming. My other cats would stare too at things I could not see. She was always the boss. I pray we'll meet again some day, she was my soulmate. My husband always said we were just alike.

I just reread what I wrote and I'm crying again. With gentle it was so hard as her kidneys stopped working suddenly. The vet tried so hard to save her. Hydrating her all the time but she was so miserable. She wouldn't leave my side. If I got up to do something she would cry and call me and once, and I swear it's true, I heard he r say 'mummy'. On the Friday I decided she'd had enough. My ex said maybe wait till after the weekend but I couldn't do that to her. I had to let her go. I'm putting a picture of lotto here.

I finally got Pearl's skull back. Gosh, I forgot how delicate her bone structure was. I can tell it's her, not just by how teenie it is, but the straightness of the nose and the little gap between two of the front teeth. It's making me miss her all over again, but I'm glad I got it. I really think the way cats are built is so beautiful.

Pia was very interested in it. She came up to it, sniffing intently for a long time. She was especially fascinated by the face, and sniffing the nose and mouth area. Perhaps left-over scents from glands? I don't know.

Perhaps I am weird, but I think it is so pretty I had to share. I have put the photo under a spoiler cut in case it is triggering to any recently bereaved cat guardians. It is simply a completely clean skull set on a dark wood plaque.

Pearl was such a beautiful little cat, God rest her little soul. Her skull is beautiful, although I know I would bawl my eyes out every time I saw it, if it was my Chrissy. Good luck to you, and I know you'll keep her in your heart. Kiss Pia for me, and remember to love her every day, we never have them as long as we want, it's not to be. Bless you for loving them so much!

Di and Bob said:

 
Pearl was such a beautiful little cat, God rest her little soul. Her skull is beautiful, although I know I would bawl my eyes out every time I saw it, if it was my Chrissy. Good luck to you, and I know you'll keep her in your heart. Kiss Pia for me, and remember to love her every day, we never have them as long as we want, it's not to be. Bless you for loving them so much!

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I thought I might too, but it made me so happy just to have her back here with me. And I'm just fascinated by how perfectly formed she was, even though I know the brain inside was under attack. My poor girl. I miss her so much. She was such a kinesthetic cat, and it feels like a fitting tribute to preserve something intact.

Pia gets lots of kisses! I always knew Pearl wouldn't live forever, but having actually lost my own kitty for the first time, I have a new appreciation for how short life really is.