Lesson Learned!

I've gone to North Dakota with a friend of mine to stay with her aunt and uncle for a few weekends this year. Over that time I've gotten to know some of their friends who live in the same building as they do.  One girl is a few years younger than I am and is originally from my city and even graduated from the same high school a few years after I did. I'll refer to her as Jane.

Anyway, Jane has fallen onto hard times.  Jane is extremely well educated and works as an Industrial Engineer and has been living and working in the US for several years now.  She had been working in California and was recruited to this small town just over the Canada/US Border by the same company for which she worked in California.  Since she is originally from Winnipeg, she thought it would be ideal because she could still live and work in the US and travel to her home city anytime she wanted to. So she took the transfer.

After 3 months and training up 2 people who were born and raised in that small town, the company cancelled her contract and kept on the 2 locals.  So now she is out of work and there are no other prospects for an Industrial Engineer in that town.

Jane had made arrangements to have all of her stuff shipped to Phoenix where her Mother is living, with the intention of moving there to be close to her.  She even went there for a few days to interview and some places.

Now backup just a bit, a few weeks ago we were in ND staying with my friend's aunt and uncle, and we found out that Jane lost her job a couple weeks prior.  Over dinner and drinks we all talked about her prospects, potential job leads that she had and tried to bolster up her self confidence.  The Sunday of that weekend she was catching a flight to Phoenix for job interviews with no intention of returning to that small town in ND. 

I don't know what possessed me, but after dinner and drinks that Saturday, I suddenly heard myself telling her that if she wanted to look for work in Winnipeg, that she could come and stay with me!!!!!!  As soon as it was out, I regretted having said it, but since she was moving to Phoenix the next day, I didn't think anything would come of it and it was a harmless remark.

Oh how wrong I was!

I found out on that long weekend Monday as we were getting ready to return to Winnipeg, that Jane was in Phoenix and had decided to take a friend of her's up on an offer to pay for a hotel for her in Phoenix for a few days while she interviewed. It seems she didn't really want to stay with her Mother because she feels like such a failure for being in her 40's and suddenly finding herself with nothing and having to start over. Anyway, her friend paid for the hotel for a few days and Jane returned back to the small town in ND to wait for the results of those interviews and to also be closer to another place where she was going to be interviewing later that week in another nearby state.

Fast forward to last week on Tuesday. It seems that none of those jobs panned out, and Jane had to give up her apartment and was now staying with my friend's aunt and uncle.  Jane called me asking me questions about "if I come to Winnipeg, how long can I stay"?  and "Is there parking?", and "Do you have internet for my laptop".

I felt like I was suddenly on a runaway train and found myself answering her questions and not knowing how to get out of it.  She said she would let me know in a couple of days.  Man! I was freaking out! Total panic attack!

Several things had me on edge:

1.  I'm 51 years old and have lived on my own since the early 1980's and I have my own routine and so do my cats;

2.  I love living alone. I love being able to come home and shut out the world after work and just do my own stuff;. I love being able to sit around (naked if I want to )  and just veg out and watch TV in the living room

3.  My spare bedroom is not a bedroom. It's a storage room, laundry room, cat room where their tree, beds and cat litter boxes are. There is no other place to put the boxes other than the bathroom which is narrow, my bedroom or the living room.

4.  I didn't have anywhere for her to sleep.  My loveseat is smaller than most loveseats, and the spare room is a storage room. So I was going to have to buy a bed and start moving stuff out of the room into my living room turning it into a cluttered mess.

5.  I would have to spend an additional $70 per month for a parking spot if I could even get one.

6.  And finally, I would be supporting her until she found work, and there was no set date for her to leave my home.

7.  Jane is a very insecure girl and constantly needs to be reassured and "boosted up". I have enough trouble keeping myself "boosted up".

Thursday, I hadn't heard from her, so I figured that was a good sign. Then Friday Jane left me a message saying that she "was going to come next week" but decided to wait in the US until Monday because she was waiting to hear from a recruiter for a job interview she had last week.

My anxiety escalated to the point I had hives all weekend. I talked to my friend today (the one that knows Jane) and told her what I was feeling, and to get some moral support.  I then called Jane and had a very difficult talk with her. I was honest and I felt so bad for reneging on something I said that I started to cry.

Anyway, she said she understands (I hope she does). She didn't sound upset about it and told me that her brothers and sisters have offered to help her financially for about 6 months while she looks for a job. She said that she had been looking and had found a place in Winnipeg to share a house with several other girls who were in university and that she had been hoping to move in there for July.  But instead of staying with me until then, she will stay where she is.

So talk about a huge relief.

The moral of this story?  Never, ever make an offer of something that you don't think will ever come to pass, and if you do and you regret having made the comment, speak up.

The moral of this story?  Never, ever make an offer of something that you don't think will ever come to pass, and if you do and you regret having made the comment, speak up.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

[font=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]I totally agree with this .. my husband and i are so soft and often get our self into these situations.. very good advice, thanks for sharing.[/font]

OMG, l'm stressed just reading your post! l can totally relate to your love of living alone - people think l must be lonely. l'm alone yes, but lonely, no never. l couldn't stand the thought of having someone stay with me, especially open-ended. lt's good that you were honest with her early rather than going through the motions and resenting it. 

On another note, it's difficult to believe she would need to be supported financially after earning lndustrial Engineer money for all those years. Maybe they're not paid as well in the States? The Engineers make a fortune at the company l work for (and no, she can't stay with me  ).

I don't understand why you'd have to buy her a bed or pay for her parking space! That's way too much. I realize you reneged on the offer, but really you were in charge to set the terms. You could have told her she'd have to find her own parking, bring a sleeping bag for the floor, that you are providing a place to sleep and not buying her food or supporting her, and that she can stay <fill in the blank for how long>.

You could have set the conditions to keep things in your comfort zone. Then it would be her choice to accept the terms or not. But I agree, don't make the offer in the first place if you don't want to do it.

SwampWitch said:

I don't understand why you'd have to buy her a bed or pay for her parking space! That's way too much. I realize you reneged on the offer, but really you were in charge to set the terms. You could have told her she'd have to find her own parking, bring a sleeping bag for the floor, that you are providing a place to sleep and not buying her food or supporting her, and that she can stay <fill in the blank for how long>.

You could have set the conditions to keep things in your comfort zone. Then it would be her choice to accept the terms or not. But I agree, don't make the offer in the first place if you don't want to do it.

Click to expand...

 The problem is that I'm too soft. She isn't working and apparently she doesn't save money well.  And I'm not the kind of person that will tell someone to sleep on the floor.

I can't remember if I mentioned it in the initial post, but during our conversation she stated that her siblings had offered to give her money every month for rent, and the reason she decided that she would take me up on my offer is so that she wouldn't have to go to her siblings for more money as they already helped her a couple months ago.

So far as parking is concerned. There is street parking, but the area I live in is the most highly populated area in the city and there are lots of rental houses and apartments, so street parking is a hot commodity and very hard to find.

The big issue is that I am so used to living on my own and have my own routine that I was feeling extremely tense about the idea of having someone share my space. It's not like a house where you can set up a space for the person IE: basement and have them come to the kitchen for meals and then back to their space. I live in a 2 bedroom apartment and other than the bedrooms, it's all shared space, and that is what had me going into a panic.

Anyway, it's done now. She isn't coming and I'm feeling greatly relieved.  And I have learned to never make such an offer again, even if the person is "moving" to a different state/province, because apparently people are subject to changing their minds. I've since learned that Jane has a habit of making plans and then changing them up at the last minute because she has a difficult time making decisions and sticking with them.

A friend of mine did something similar recently. One of her neighbors who is also a close friend of hers, is moving to Washington State. They were out to lunch and her neighbor was talking about how she really wants her son to be able to finish his last semester in high school before moving. My friend blurted out that he could stay at her house with her family. And almost as soon as she said it, she realized what a bad idea that was, because they have totally different parenting skills, with my friend's household being much stricter- not to mention liability issues. And my friend's children and her neighbor's children don't hang out together- and my friend hasn't really seen her neighbor's son for a long time, not since they were younger. She is aware he is allowed to smoke pot at his house etc. none of which is ok at her house. 

She ended up having her husband send an email to the neighbor saying he couldn't let this happen as his wife had been through too much in the past year and it would just be too much. And it is true, she had been thru a lot- her father died along with several of her fur children who had been hanging on in old age longer than almost any pets I've ever known :-(, and other things too.

I used to do the same thing as you, so don't feel bad about it. It is natural to want to help others in need. Sometimes tho it is just beyond our ability. That was my friend's issue, knowing that her neighbor is more easygoing and she could have stayed with her neighbor who would not mind, but not vice-versa as she is not as laid back. 

This is a good lesson learned, thank you for sharing it. 

I heard she is still at my friend's aunt and uncles place.  I don't understand why she is still there.  She is a Canadian Citizen who is living in the US on a work visa. I don't know anything about US work visas and how long you can remain in the US if you aren't working. I do know that she cannot work there until she finds a job and the company sponsors her.

My friend and I were talking and we don't understand why she didn't just go through with her initial plan to move to Phoenix to stay with her Mother as she was so worried about her and missing her before. The arrangements had all been made. She shipped all of her belongings there. She even flew out there. But instead of staying with her Mom like she planned, she stayed in a hotel that a friend of her's paid for, for 2 days and then returned to a town of 550 people where there are absolutely zero job prospects of any kind whatsoever.  At least in Phoenix she could find a job in another field and get sponsored to work in the US again. Where she is there is zero opportunity.
 

Honestly, it sounds like she is embellishing to extract more free offers from people who don't know her very well. i have the impression those who know her have already helped her a lot. As for why she is in nd, She had been going to stay w you, and now nd is the closest place to Winnipeg until July when she may have that p.ace in Winnipeg lined up. I hope she lands ok and soon, and that your friends aunt and uncle are ok!