Need Help for Lily

Hi, I'm a newbie here and I've decided it's high time I seek some advice.

Thirteen years ago, I trapped, spayed and adopted two feral cats, a mother and a daughter. Through the years, the mother became somewhat domesticated and greeted me in the morning, took food from my hand, occasionally allowed me to touch her and knew I was helping her when she was sick.

Her daughter, Lily (thus my name), never domesticated in the slightest. She would never eat while I was in the house. She would, however, lay on my couch, in my living room, while I was in my den or another room, as long as her mom was on the couch with her. Sometimes in the wee hours of the morning, I would hear her talking with her mom and there is a possibility she played with toys, as long as her mom played with her.

At the end of February, her mom got sick with Lymphoma and we lost her. I had hoped, at that time, that Lily might start socializing with one of my other cats, but she doesn't like the male cats and the females don't interact with her either.

Now she hardly comes out from under the bed or couch and I have to feed her under my bed. I give her treats that way too. Instead of progressing, she seems to be regressing.

In all honesty, it breaks my heart...even though the other day she just about spit at me. After 13 years I don't know how to make her understand I would never harm her.

I talk to her sweetly all the time and even though I have the same routines daily, she will run and hide if I so much as step into the room she is in.  She still hisses at me if I look at her.

I can't go near her and unless she was deathly ill, I probably couldn't get her to a vet.

Is there anyone who has even a remote possible answer as to how I might go about getting her to trust me?

She's so alone without her mom and I feel helpless. Thank you.

Oh this is so hard!   At 13, I'm not sure how much she can change in her ways, but I'd suggest give her the opportunity to form a bond with you now - keep her in one room for a while and visit often, play with her, give her treats kind of like you would with a new feral you'd taken in.   It's possible that she will redirect her needs for social connection now that her mother is gone to you.   I know that might sound a little crazy, but something similar has happened with Patches my ten year old feral.   She used to be bonded to two of my other cats who passed away in recent years the last one a year and a half ago, so at the age of 9 years she finally began to move much closer to me than in the past and even now shows new tamer behaviors every month or so.  

Another possibility to is vet issues - I had to trap Patches in a humane trap indoors.   You can check my old posts on this I was so worried it would set back her trust in me, but in fact it did the opposite!   She actually did have a couple painful teeth that had to be pulled and she's the most relaxed and happy indoors now that I've ever seen her.    And that's at 10 and I trapped her seven years ago at age 3.  Now I I still can't pick her up, if she startles she runs like the wind, and if I have to take her to the vet again it'll still require some form of trapping - but loves to be petted and purrs at me all the time now.  Anyway....I hope Patches' story gives you some hope, there's still room for change and progress for Lily even now.

Flower essences are also helpful - there are particular ones to help with feral cats and grief.  Can help people too and also I'm sorry for you loss of Lily's mother she sounds like she was very special cat.

Bastfriend said:

Flower essences are also helpful - there are particular ones to help with feral cats and grief. 

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There is also the Feliway adapter and spray. Had you tried it?

Music theraphy, like playing relaxing classical harp music, may also help some.  Had you tried with playing soft, relaxing music??

Lets hope others will tune in too!

Good luck!

Welcome to our Forums!

Bastfriend is right. Keeping her in her own room will give her some sanctuary and you an opportunity to interact with her alone. Her mom's presence may have shielded her from the other cats, so she's lost that sense of protection. If you sit in her room and read outloud to her every day, your gentle voice will soothe her.

Bastfriend - that is a great story about Patches.

Thank you all so much.  Sometimes I do sing to her.  It's a song from a musical and it goes "hi lily, hi lily, hi lo".  She does know her name and she does respond to it.

Can you tell me what kind of flower essences you mean?

I'm going to try all of your suggestions.    I think she may have at first started to come around, but my two male cats love to chase anything that runs.   I'm trying to stop that as well.  It amazes me that my 19 year old cat still has that in him. 

Lilys Mom said:

Thank you all so much.  Sometimes I do sing to her.  It's a song from a musical and it goes "hi lily, hi lily, hi lo".  She does know her name and she does respond to it.

Can you tell me what kind of flower essences you mean?

I'm going to try all of your suggestions.    I think she may have at first started to come around, but my two male cats love to chase anything that runs.   I'm trying to stop that as well.  It amazes me that my 19 year old cat still has that in him. 

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You can do a search for Spirit Essences from Jackson Galaxy.  I have used his Feral Cat Rehab with great success and currently I am using Bully Remedy and Peacemaker.  I know there is also one for grief.  You can also ask a question to his assistants as to which remedy would be best.  You can add the remedy to wet food, spray it around the room or put a few drops in your hand and rub it onto the cat.  Food is the easiest and spraying around the room or on bedding or sleeping spots works well too. 

Here is a link

http://store.jacksongalaxy.com/

How is Lily doing?

Thanks for asking.   I have been taking everyone's advice, little by little and so appreciative of all.  Lily is doling a little better.  I am home today so she was out from under the couch for a bit and when I gave the other cats their morning treats and put some closer to her "area", she came out and ate.   I also brought her a catnip toy and left it under the couch yesterday and today she was out laying next to it on my living room floor.  I also sang to her yesterday.   It was the first time she didn't hiss at my singing.  LOL

I seriously doubt I'll ever be able to touch her because she's back under the couch now, but I'll keep trying.   I'm going to buy one of those "mellow " tapes and keep it on when I'm working.  I'm also looking into some flower essences that may help.

I guess baby steps are better than no steps.   Honestly, I wish I knew a pet therapist that didn't cost an arm and a leg because I'd love to get help in that area.   I think when she was a baby, she may have seen one of her siblings being carted off by a coyote.  That was before I trapped her and her mom and another male cat.   I don't have the male and the people I gave him to let him out.  He joined a feral colony and I went to that area to try to find him at least 3 times but to no avail.    I do think there may be something wrong with her.    I never understood why she never picked up on her mama's trust of me, especially when she was only 8 weeks old.

Unfortunately 13 years ago, I was not educated in the ways of feral cats.  Perhaps if I were, she'd be doing so much better by now.

Ah well...I'll continue working with her and trying my best.    Otto, thanks for directing me here.  

Marla

Oh, Lily's Mom', don't beat yourself up for what you didn't know 13 years ago; you did the best you could with the information you had.

Sometimes it really is Them, you You.

I agree with the other posts, keep her in her own room, with lots of toys, and a cat tree so she can get up high and view her 'kingdom'.  And one or two boxes she can hide in.

You are doing great Lily's Mom!   Just give it time, there really is hope for change.    I too beat myself up sometimes because I wonder if Patches would have tamed faster when I first brought her in knowing what I've learned in the last year - instead I let her out to bond with my other cats and she stayed "wild" for many years.   We do what we can and even if it's just providing them a safe home and food, that's a hell of a lot compared to a life lost outside.

Hi Marla, yes baby steps are better than no steps, and even if there are backward steps, there will be forward steps again. It's difficult not to beat on ourselves about things we didn't know in the past, but I hope you will try not to. Imagine where Lily and her momma would have been without you.

I'm glad she is feeling a little better, grieving takes time. I'm sure your presence gives her more comfort than you can even realize. Please keep us posted.

The thing also about Lily is that if I give her a scratching post all by herself...she will mark it.   I did give her a brand new door scratcher, which I sprayed with cat nip but so far...I haven't seen her use it, although I've been teaching all day.   

I'm going to try those floral essences and some comforting music and will pick it up this weekend.   

Thanks for your kind words.   I do at times remind myself that she is healthy, eats well, does have toys AND most importantly, is safe from predators, which abound in my area in the forms of coyotes, hawks and owls.   I do have an enclosed patio, but she has not gone out in a while.   

Thanks so much, everyone for your support.

UPDATE on LILY:

First of all, thank you all for your help.   I have not as yet done everything, but I will.    But here's a brief update.   Lily has adopted my living room as her home.   It's not confined in the sense that there is a door that closes her off, but I rarely use that room unless I have company.   Mostly my other cats and I use my family room and my den, so for Lily that's a safe haven, especially because that's where her mom hung out.   In as much as I hate to put a litter box in that room, I did.   I'll just have to remove it for a short time if and when I have a lot of guests.   Most of the time everyone congregates in the family room.  Lily will not come out any way when there are guests in the house.

I also gave her her own toy box with toys full of catnip and a scratching toy sprayed with cat nip.   She is out more and only goes under the couch to hide if she hears someone at my door.   I have been able to walk in the room to do menial things that I do there every day without her always running under the couch.    In the living room, I have hardwood floors with an area rug and although she will lay on the rug, I noticed that she was laying on the hard floor behind one of the chairs.   She's urinated on a lot of cat beds, so I hesitated to give her a bed, but what I did was take a piece of particle board and place a little soft rug that you get from Petco on top of that.   I figured at least, if she urinates on that, it will go onto the particle board and not the hardwood floor.   Her mom often used that as her bed and so do the other cats.   And even though it was newly washed, I had hoped she'd take to that.   And she did!!!  

In the morning I come into her room and I can see some toys moved.   Once I even saw the scratching toy moved.   I don't know if it's her or my other young cat doing it, but I'd like to think it's her.   She will also wait for food in the morning.   Although I do leave dry food out for all my cats, the 19 year old still insists on me waiting on him hand and foot all the time, so I give him some dry food in the morning.   Lily knows this routine and waits til he finishes.  Then I take the bowl and put it in the area close to the living room and she will always come and eat.   She hesitates when she sees me, but now she is not running away as much.

I have an enclosed patio and last week, for the first time in I don't know how long, she ventured outside.   Unfortunately my youngest male cat was out and chased her back in.   I know he just likes to play but he's all boy.   Mischievous and frolicking.    She ran back in but I'm hoping this will happen again.   That same cat....Oliver...has been visiting her room daily and sometimes she minds but sometimes she's fine with it.   I didn't want her to be confined by herself totally for this reason.   I'm hoping one of the cats can get her out of her shell.   It works well for Oliver too because right after Tobi, Lily's mom passed, I lost my cat, Jesse to kidney disease and he and Oliver were best buddies, even though they were 9 years apart.    So I'm hoping maybe they will help each other.

Thanks again everyone.   I'll keep you updated with changes from time to time if you don't mind.   Here is a picture of Oliver and his buddy Jesse...just to show you how close they were.  Oliver is the orange tabby and Jesse was my tuxedo cat, who I found under the make up trailer when I worked on a TV show called "7th Heaven".  He was only about 8 weeks old.  I had him for 16 years.

Thanks for the happy update! It does sound like Lily and Oliver may form a bond, or at least it sounds like Oliver is hoping for it. Red boys are the sweetest cats, and they do love to cuddle with a special friend. I hope Lily accepts him! After all they both have lost their 'significant other'.

Seventh Heaven is one of my favorite family shows, at least, it was until the last few seasons. That must have been an interesting job.

My black and white cat Bibbs was lucky, she had TWO cuddly red boys in her life. Baby raised her and a couple of years after he left us for the Bridge, Tolly found us, and Bibbs got to raise Tolly. She was devoted to them both. They are all together now.

We do indeed hope that you will continue to post updates on Lily, and talk about your other cats too, if you want.

Thanks for the update.

Frightened, timid cats often learn not to be so afraid when they see another cat interacting with a human.  That's a great idea, tool.

Keep up the good, patient work, you're doing great.

Otto, I had an orange stumpy tailed tabby named Miko who found me and a long haired orange tabby named Rufus who had me at meow.  I loved them both tremendously.  Even people who were not cat people loved them both.   They were so loveable and affectionate.  Both are over the bridge too.  I hope they are together.   My calico, Lexa loved Miko so much.   She has never liked another male cat since his passing. 

Just another update on Lily:

I'm happy to report some new developments.    While her mom was alive,  I would only hear her speak in the middle of the night if they came into my bedroom.   Now I'm hearing her speak during the day and fairly often.   I found her playing with her toys too.   She also allows me to speak to her sometimes, without running away.   Lately I've been able to walk into her room, which is my living room, to do every day things like turning off night lights, opening my front door (there is a screen also) and scooping out her litter pan and sweeping.  She also allows Oliver to hang out with her and last week, they may have been playing with the same toy together.   I say "may", because they were laying pretty close together with the toy in between.  

The other day I heard a ruckus in the living room and Oliver was with me in the family room.  It was Lily playing with her toys.   As I type, she is in only about 4 feet away from me eating her food.  She never use to do that.  She'd always wait til I left before she ate.   She's still leery, but she's staying.  Also as I type, she just walked into my bedroom.  I followed her in and I was able to speak to her from one side of the bed.  She use to run under it immediately in the past, if I walked in, while her mama was with us.   For me to be able to speak to her and for her not to immediately run...or actually not run at all...is major.

For her, these are steps in the right direction and shows me she may be coming out of her depression or fright, since her mama passed.    Once again, I owe it to all of you for helping me learn how to help her.  

Maybe one day, I'll be able to touch her.  

Wonderful news!  Thank you so much for the update.  Isn't it great when you see progress being made?

Such great news.  Yea Lily!!!  Taking care of ferals or at one time ferals, is always a very slow process.  I still feel that I go one step forward and a few steps backwards.  Yet, the steps forward are usually so great!! 

Keep us posted.
 

So very happy Lily is opening up...to you and to Oliver. And I'm sure she will eventually let you pet her. My semi feral kitty started with letting me pet his head...now she like to actually cuddle with me for a while in bed by my pillow so I can rub her tummy.  Sounds like a solid foundation of trust is definitely building! Ya Lily!