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I'm so mad you could boil an egg on my head . . .

post #1 of 11
Thread Starter 
OK, so Alex's best man is supposed to be his twin brother. And my maid of honor is my best friend. Anyway, they're supposed to help us plan the wedding, right?? Well, Andrew is moving to Colorado, since he's failing college! Umm, I'm thinking, what about us? What about your brother???

And it's not like this is the only time he's done this. He was supposed to live with us this fall, and go to a local college to pull his GPA back up. But then, last minute, he left, leaving us stuck with the rent! And so on and so forth. He says he'll be there for a party or for dinner, then is a no-show.

Grrrrr . . . I'm so mad. I'm so sick of feeling abandoned by him. He's one of my really good friends, so it really hurts me when he does this, and I KNOW it hurts Alex. He can be so self-centered. And I can't just exclude him from my life. He's going to be my brother-in-law. Plus, when I count on him NOT showing up, sometimes he DOES show up, and that can be almost as trying as when I try to count on him for something.

Help!! What do I dooooo????? I'm so frustrated, I could cry!
post #2 of 11
Thread Starter 
P.S. -- For those of you who don't know -- Alex and I are getting married in June.
post #3 of 11
Viva, BREATHE!!!

You have enough to worry about with the wedding, don't let the brother situation get to you so badly. It's hard, I know. I would talk to Alex seriously about making a back-up plan *just in case* his brother pulls the unthinkable and doesn't even make it to the wedding. (I had one of my bridesmaids cancel on me because her aunt died the Thursday before my wedding, and my sister and her &*^*@( husband couldn't be bothered to show up for the rehearsal dinner, or be there on time for the pictures......so really, I DO understand!)

Just know, worst case, weddings can be planned by just the couple getting married. We did it all ourselves, mostly me actually. It was still a very nice wedding even with the glitches and snafu's. Keep reminding yourself....as long as you and Alex are happily married at the end of the day, the rest is just icing on the cake.
post #4 of 11
Is there a friend of Alex's that is nice enough to be best man behind the scenes? Yes it would be all the work with no credit, but you guys could do something special for him. Or would Andrew step down as best man? Explain to him that you need someone that will be there. Or better yet ask Alex what he wants to do.

As for his habit of being unreliable, just plan around him as best you can. For things he has said he's not coming to have a little extra on hand. For things he says he is coming to just don't plan on him being responsible for a large part of the gathering.
post #5 of 11
Sweetie, I have never yet met the best man who helped plan the wedding. You're doing well if he gets his fitting on his tux and stumbles through a toast.

Also, unless it is someone who lives close by, many times the maid of honor does little or no planning either.
post #6 of 11
I'm sorry you're struggling with this. Maybe you can find someone more dependable to help out?? Sounds like he might be a bit unreliable anyway which means you might have less hassles without him. Sometimes we can love people but not always like what they do or how they behave.
post #7 of 11
I agree with the idea of having a back up. You can love your future brother in law, but that doesn't mean being blind to his weaknesses, or letting those ruin things for you. He has proved to be unreliable, so if you depend on him, you will just end up being disappointed again.

I was the "backup" MOH for a friend. We had been friends in the past, but I had moved away, and she had another friend agree to be MOH. But that friend didn't have a clue what to do. So I "helped". As in, checked that her plans were working out, showing up at the house to help the bride get dressed, and so on. And frankly, I was happy to do that for her, because it meant that her wedding day went well, and I didn't have the bother of the fancy dress and sitting at the head table and stuff.

So if Alex has another close friend who can help out as an "unofficial" best man, and leave it to his brother to just try and show up on the day, you may all be happy.
post #8 of 11
I didn't know I was supposed to help plan the wedding! My sister did all of hers....all of us helped out by doing decorations and such, the guys set up chairs/tables etc, but I didn't really plan anything with her....oops.
post #9 of 11
Sounds like this is the type of person he is. It doesn't mean he's bad, it just means he's unable to commit. You may want to stop asking him to commit to anything that is really important. That way you aren't hurt and he doesn't look bad. I know it's hard, but you're not going to be able to change him. If you do want him to be involved in anything important you may always want to arrange a backup just in case. He may still want to be involved in your wedding and may come back out for it, but arrange a backup just in case.
post #10 of 11
Wedding planning is SO stressful! Try & go for a walk or run, or have a workout to ease stress, or do something else you find relaxing when everything seems to get out of hand - taking a break can often help renew your perspective.

Honestly, I would either find someone else more reliable, or find a backup just in case. Perhaps the backup could be a groomsman who is a close friend, and just have another friend as an extra usher who could step in as groomsman if needed.

As far as planning goes, attendants can help if they want (they often do want to help), but it's not a requirement. Keep in mind that they're helping just by standing with you in the wedding as good friends. Don't forget to express appreciation for any help they choose to provide.

I hope everything works out well!
post #11 of 11
It is not too late to change your best man, if that's what you need to do to feel safe...calm down and breathe! I had a lot of crap happen the eve of my wedding and it went perfect the next day. Zack "fired" his best man (his cousin) because he was really pissed at him, so his best friend ended up being the best man (so the programs that were past out, were all mixed up, plus we ended up not having a ring bearer because that was his cousin also, the best man's son) ANYWAY, talk it over with Alex about different ideas you can help each other through this difficult time. You might want to confront your future brother-in-law in a calm and sweet way, and tell him that you want him to be their for the wedding. As of helping you out with things, the best man is really there to help plan the bachelor party and stuff like that. Get your girlfriends to help!! That's what they are there for!! Take it one day at a time, and before you know it, your big day will be a huge blessing! Good luck!!
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