"How a Grown up Acts"- Thoughts??

nebula

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So those as many of you do know I have had lots of problems with hubby, and now we are getting counseling - this was part something my therapist told us, and part stuff I wrote, I think it is for the general population- what does everyone think? Even though it says "he" it is He/She.

How to be Mature

REGARDING YOURSELF

1)      Remember personal care things. Brushing teeth, changing underwear, putting on deodorant etc

2)      Be Responsible- Hold down a steady job

3)      Lose the negative self talk. Anyone who is overly negative with low self esteem will be seen as immature

4)      Eliminate Magic Thinking- “Magical Thinking” is what occurs when you think something will happen without any effort on your part, this thinking is often seen in the mindset of children, but should not be in adults

5)      Be diligent with your time, learn to time things effectively and you will accomplish more.

6)      Recognize and appropriate express your anger, bottling things inside will make you either shut down or explode- both of which are immature behaviors.

7)      At some point you will fail, deal with it. Get up- dust yourself off and move on

8)      However,  failing at some task does not make you a failure- remember this

9)      Understand why you do what you do. “I don’t know why I did that” is a childish and immature mindset, cast this away.

REGARDING OTHERS

10)   Help our whenever possible without being asked

11)   Talk about relevant topics, while there is a time to goof off and joke around- remember your age.  

12)   Put the other person first and care about them. This means, get rid of all selfish thinking.  

13)   Quit victimizing yourself and making excuses for your behavior. ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY

14)   If you did something wrong, freely admit guilt, apologize, and move on  

15)   Ask for help when you need it- put away pride and ego  

16)   Tell the truth NO MATTER WHAT and NO MATTER WHAT THE CONSEQUENCES, be honest  

 

REGARDING PROPERTY

17)   If you move it, put it back where you got it

18)   If you break it , lose it, or destroy it- replace or fix it

19)   Always ask permission to borrow another’

 

Some of the characteristics of the person who has achieved true adulthood are suggested here:

1.  He accepts criticism gratefully, being honestly glad for an opportunity to improve.

2.  He does not indulge in self-pity.  He has begun to feel the laws of compensation opertaing in all life.

3.  He does not expect special consideration from anyone.

6.  His feelings are not easily hurt.

7.  He accepts the responsibility of his own acts without trying to "alibi".

10.  He is a good loser.  He can endure defeat and disappointment without whining or complaining.

11. He does not worry unduly about things he cannot help.

12. He is not given to boasting or "showing off" in socially unacceptable ways.

16.  He plans things in advance rather than trusting to the inspiration of the moment.

Last of all we think in terms of spiritual maturity.

3.  He obeys the spiritual essence of the Golden Rule: "Though shalt love thy neighbor as theyself."

(From the "Moral and Spiritual Values in Education," used by the Los Angeles City Schools as part of their education program.)
 

stephanietx

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Sounds pretty good to me!  What is it that you're struggling with on this list? 
 
 

stephanietx

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Patience helps deal with it.  Sometimes I think men are just overgrown little boys!  It helps me to remember that my husband is married to ME and I'm not all that great at times either.
 
 

kimkats000

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He was like this when you married him so you knew what you were getting into.

NEVER marry/live with with someone with hopes of changing them! You WILL fail. 

Men think different! It is true. They really do not see the dirt/mess. When they clean they do not get the corners or edges. When they wash the dishes they do not wipe off the surfaces or rinse out the sink AND expect a thank you!

I have been married to my husband for 27 years. We lived together for 1 year after dating for 6 yrs.  That is a total of 34 yrs together. He is the best husband ever! I am VERY spoiled and loved BUT he can drive me nuts-leaving his shoes right in the middle of the floor where I am sure to trip on them. I just think "I am glad he is here to leave them there".

Pick ONE thing you want him to do-put things back where he got them. Work on a behavior  mod plan-ask him to put the ____ back where it belongs. Watch him do it. Reward. Work on this behavior until he does in every time. 

Just make sure to pick your battles wisely. 

You say it is your husband that needs to change. Please look closely at yourself. Everyone has things that can/should be worked on.

I hope it works out for you. At least he is willing to try. That is a good step.

Kim
 

stealthkitty

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Always praise, never scold! Even when he does something that drives you nuts--overlook it (yes, I know that can be very hard sometimes). And then, when he doesn't do it (or does something right) praise him to high heaven! Repeat as necessary.
 
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nebula

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Always praise, never scold! Even when he does something that drives you nuts--overlook it (yes, I know that can be very hard sometimes). And then, when he doesn't do it (or does something right) praise him to high heaven! Repeat as necessary.
Sounds like how you would treat a kid,,, or a cat.. lol

But yeah okay -- I know I have some things I can work on.......
 

stealthkitty

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Always praise, never scold! Even when he does something that drives you nuts--overlook it (yes, I know that can be very hard sometimes). And then, when he doesn't do it (or does something right) praise him to high heaven! Repeat as necessary.
Sounds like how you would treat a kid,,, or a cat.. lol

But yeah okay -- I know I have some things I can work on.......
Exactly! But it works for grownups, too.
 
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smitten4kittens

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A new therapist might be in order. Does she actually charge money to remind people to change their underwear and brush their teeth ?

I hope things get better for you, but I think you might have better luck with a different therapist.
 

swampwitch

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I'd like to add a line about misplaced anger: "don't lash out at others because of your frustrations and disappointments - these are your problems alone so figure out how you need to deal with and/or change."

I think everything you listed is great. I kept thinking of our 14-year old who is learning all these things right now and really struggling with some of them. The "magical thinking" one is so annoying to me, saying you are taking out the trash and recycling is not the same thing as doing it!
 
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nebula

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I'd like to add a line about misplaced anger: "don't lash out at others because of your frustrations and disappointments - these are your problems alone so figure out how you need to deal with and/or change."

I think everything you listed is great. I kept thinking of our 14-year old who is learning all these things right now and really struggling with some of them. The "magical thinking" one is so annoying to me, saying you are taking out the trash and recycling is not the same thing as doing it!
Yeah- Swamp I have indeed had similar. "I am taking it out now" and an hour later still there... magical thinking. I expect this, your son is 14- my husband is 27.
 
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nebula

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A new therapist might be in order. Does she actually charge money to remind people to change their underwear and brush their teeth ?

I hope things get better for you, but I think you might have better luck with a different therapist.
I love our therapist he is great........... And on my insurance there is no copay.

I added that part because when I married him he had not brushed his teeth literally in 14 years, it's a wonder he has any teeth left.
 
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natalie_ca

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He was like this when you married him so you knew what you were getting into.

NEVER marry/live with with someone with hopes of changing them! You WILL fail.

Kim
Further to that....

Men marry women hoping that they won't change.

Women marry men hoping that they will change.

Back when I was in my 20's I was living with a guy who I found out was a total lazy slob. Yes, he worked, but he did absolutely nothing around the house, and I even had to remind him to shower and brush his teeth.  When he undressed he left a path of clothing on the floor all around the house, And water and wet towels on the bathroom floor.

I got sick of playing his Mother, so I gave him fair warning that the next time he left his clothing all over the floor, I was going to throw them out.  He didn't believe me. He left clothing all over the floor as he always did, I reminded him for 2 days to pick them up and either hang them up, or put them into the hamper.  He didn't.

So I threw them out!!!

One morning he was looking for his suit and couldn't find it. I told him that he would have to go to the dump to get it because I had given him warning after warning that I was done picking up after him and that I was going to throw out anything he left laying around; which happened to be 3/4 of his clothing!
 
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nebula

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Further to that....

Men marry women hoping that they won't change.

Women marry men hoping that they will change.

Back when I was in my 20's I was living with a guy who I found out was a total lazy slob. Yes, he worked, but he did absolutely nothing around the house, and I even had to remind him to shower and brush his teeth.  When he undressed he left a path of clothing on the floor all around the house, And water and wet towels on the bathroom floor.

I got sick of playing his Mother, so I gave him fair warning that the next time he left his clothing all over the floor, I was going to throw them out.  He didn't believe me. He left clothing all over the floor as he always did, I reminded him for 2 days to pick them up and either hang them up, or put them into the hamper.  He didn't.

So I threw them out!!!

One morning he was looking for his suit and couldn't find it. I told him that he would have to go to the dump to get it because I had given him warning after warning that I was done picking up after him and that I was going to throw out anything he left laying around; which happened to be 3/4 of his clothing!
Love it!!! I have done simliar......... one time he just would not untie his tennis shoes before taking them off - well that stretches them out and ruins them, and since I am the only income right now- I have to pay for them. That being said, I got so fed up one day I said fine "You can just have slip on shoes" and cut his laces out LOL
 

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Hello,

I don't know your situation but I thought I'd chime in. :) I would strongly avoid feeling like it's your husband who needs to be fixed and there's nothing you need to change about yourself. I would also certainly avoid a therapist who supports that notion. I have no idea what's going on in your sessions but it sounds like all of the focus might currently be on your husband and he, understandably, probably feels a bit attacked/nagged/etc at this point. That's not how couple's therapy should work and it simply does not work. I've noticed many women have a tendency to talk about their husbands in a derogatory, insulting manner(not to say you do but the list, especially if he was not asked to make a list for you as will, could be seen this way) and that can only add to your feelings of frustration.

That's not to say you shouldn't feel frustrated by some of the things you've listed; I would be too. :) One suggestion I'd have is to express your feelings about the dental hygiene issue: "I feel ___ when you don't brush your teeth." and then ask if you could brush/floss together every night(or whatever time works for you). That can be applied to a lot of things.

Here's an article you might find helpful: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...how-idealize-your-partner-relationship-health
"Rather than saying, "she's perfect", protective idealization is more accurately described as people saying "she's not perfect, but she's perfect for me." In other words, idealization that can reconcile a partner's imperfections seems to have protective effects for long-term relationships."
 

stephanietx

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The thing about changing your underwear and brushing your teeth is extremely important if the patient suffers from depression.  There are days/weeks when my husband is depressed.  Doing the basic things such as showering, brushing teeth, putting on fresh clothes is difficult. 

Something that helps me with my husband is to write out my thoughts, then put it away for a day.  This gets my frustration out.  Then I pull it out the next day and pick just one or two things to focus on.  I write out how I feel about those two things.  "When you do ____, it makes me feel _____."  Then I sit down with my husband and we talk about the one or two things that are frustrating me.  Just recently, we discussed how important it was for me for my husband to clean up after himself.  He doesn't work (due to health issues), so he's home all day.  When I get home at the end of my workday, I don't want to spend two hours cleaning up his mess that he is perfectly capable of doing for himself.  My motto is "if you can dirty it, you can clean it".  If his asthma is acting up, I am more understanding and more willing to help him, but for the most part, he needs to do it himself.  We also talk about what I do that helps/hinders his desire to clean up after himself and what I can do to make it easier on him.  Sometimes I see results right away, but other times, it takes a few days to see any change.

I could go on and on....LOL
 
 

auroraei

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Love it!!! I have done similar......... one time he just would not untie his tennis shoes before taking them off - well that stretches them out and ruins them, and since I am the only income right now- I have to pay for them. That being said, I got so fed up one day I said fine "You can just have slip on shoes" and cut his laces out LOL
That sounds like a really weird issue to be arguing about. Pick and choose your battles, some things aren't worth the fight. I never tie my shoes, they are permanently in double knots and I slip them on and off.
 

Willowy

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Love it!!! I have done simliar......... one time he just would not untie his tennis shoes before taking them off - well that stretches them out and ruins them, and since I am the only income right now- I have to pay for them. That being said, I got so fed up one day I said fine "You can just have slip on shoes" and cut his laces out LOL
TBH, to me this is something grown-ups do not do. Very passive-aggressive. What about #18 on the list, ya know? I think part of being a grown-up is respecting others' decisions, even if they annoy you.
 

Winchester

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Love it!!! I have done simliar......... one time he just would not untie his tennis shoes before taking them off - well that stretches them out and ruins them, and since I am the only income right now- I have to pay for them. That being said, I got so fed up one day I said fine "You can just have slip on shoes" and cut his laces out LOL
That's not funny, especially since you had to turn around and pay for another pair of shoelaces. So, really, who won that battle? And it's not even a battle worth arguing about. (You can win a battle, but still lose the war.....if that makes any sense.) Sounds like you need to work on some issues, too.
 

rosiemac

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Love it!!! I have done simliar......... one time he just would not untie his tennis shoes before taking them off - well that stretches them out and ruins them, and since I am the only income right now- I have to pay for them. That being said, I got so fed up one day I said fine "You can just have slip on shoes" and cut his laces out LOL
I'm another one who doesn't find this funny.

I'll tell you what l would say to a close friend. lt sounds like you like control?.

Their his tennis shoes, and if he wants to ruin them that's his fault, but for you to cut the laces out isn't what an adult would or should do.

If it's small things like this that are an issue to you, you've got real problems?.
 
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