It has been a long time - PART ONE and TWO (Very long, but please read.)

Well, it has been a long time since I posted or even visited TCS. I'm not sure where to even begin, but so much has happened and it's resulted in my not wanting to be here. It was no ones fault, but it was painful to even think about this site. And, even now, I am afraid of being judged harshly. Possibly, because I judge myself in such a way. But, I want to be back - as hard as it is.

So many of you probably either don't know me or don't remember me. This past year was the most painful and difficult year that I can remember. Thanks to my eating disorder, I lost so much. In the beginning, I did treatment full time and work full time. I was in a partial hospitalization program from April to the end of June - with just a couple of weeks stepped down into a lesser program. Quickly, they determined that I was too sick and they informed me that I had to go to a residential facility. I took FMLA, which was the hardest thing I ever had to do since it meant possibly losing the job I love, and spent 6 weeks in Arizona trying to get well. I muddled through, but wasn't ready to leave when my time came. Insurance decides, unfortunately, not your treatment team. I returned home and entered a more structured day treatment program and spent my time there from the end of August to mid-December, when I stepped down, again, to a lesser program. In that time, I returned to work in September - only part time as my schedule for treatment impeded on my schedule for work. I lost my benefits and I had to pay for everything out of pocket. They hired someone in my place and, while I knew I was guaranteed a job due to FMLA, it was unclear what would happen as they could have changed my position or asked me to go to another location (which would be impossible since I cannot drive right now). In that time, my roommate began struggling with her own demons and it was decided that I would move out as of January 1st. Due to the move and my new location, I couldn't afford my Cobra insurance and had no transportation to treatment. So, against medical advice, I left. I can see my therapist again once my time commitment for that program is up. That will bring me to March. I'm still struggling, but I am getting by - with some times being far better than other times. In the end, I did move to a small apartment in a nice Cleveland suburb - right by the lake. But, even though things seemed idyllic, they weren't. Not by a long shot.

In November, one of my cats, Cassidy, developed strange symptoms. She was urinating outside of the litter box and her urine was tinged with blood. She was also vomiting and losing weight...very quickly. I work for a veterinary clinic and so I brought her in immediately. Her urinalysis was negative and so was her urine culture. Her bloodwork was within normal limits. We tried medication despite the negative results to no avail. We did radiographs and even an ultrasound. They did find an abdominal mass and I immediately had her in surgery for it to be removed. We sent it out for consult and it was determined to be benign. After her recovery, she began eating well and gaining weight. Her urinary issues persisted, but were less of an issue following the surgery. I thought we would get past this. However, she developed the same symptoms as before in mid-December - only, this time, they seemed to manifest more quickly and her condition deteriorated rapidly. We did additional testing and another mass was found. But, despite scheduling her surgery only a few days out, she passed away in her sleep on December 21st. Obviously, I was devastated. The other cats were confused and everything felt off kilter. It was wrong to not have Cassidy in my life every day. I hated myself for not taking action sooner. But, it only got worse from there. On December 23rd, Finnegan, another one of my cats, started to have seizures. I rushed him to the vet and we were able to get the seizures to stop. But, that evening, while we were at the emergency clinic (he was hospitalized, I was sleeping on a chair in the waiting room), he began to seize again. And, despite all of the medication in the world, we could not get the seizures to stop. I had to make the hard decision to let him be at peace and he was put to sleep that night, in my arms. There was no known cause for his seizures - no accidental toxin ingestion, no illness that we were aware of, no malignancies in his brain. It was heartbreaking to go home without him. I miss my babies to the end of the world and back, but I know that they're together at the Rainbow Bridge.

I moved on January 6th. I brought my dog, Madeline (my other dog, Mackenzie was always going to stay with my roommate as she and Madeline do not get along and, if together, will fight, draw blood, and worse), and my three remaining cats, Delaney, Emory, and Guinness. I thought we would do our best to move on from what had happened and start our new life together. I was wrong. Immediately after the move, it became obvious that the cats could not tolerate all of the changes they had experienced in the last month. Delaney quickly developed a urinary tract infection that was resistant to medication and Emory was licking herself raw. No one was eating, no one was drinking. Guinness handled the move best, but even he began to withdraw and urinate out of the box. I could have dealt with all of that, but I was so afraid that I was going to lose my babies. Everyone was sick and stressed - myself included. After trying to manage for about a week or so and watching my loves suffer, I made the decision to call my roommate and ask if she would take them. It was an agonizing decision, but I could not watch my cats deteriorate as they were. Once returned to the home they had always known, things improved tenfold. Delaney's urinary issues subsided, Emory's fur started growing back in, and Guinness stopped vomiting and urinating outside of his litter box. They were calm - it was obvious that they were where they needed to be. And, even though I wanted to try again, it wouldn't have been fair to them. The loss of Cass and Finn was hard on us all and the move just magnified everyone's grief and fear. My roommate has promised to keep my babies forever and I see them, at least, three times per week. I go to my roommate's house to see Mackenzie, Delaney, Emory, and Guinness and we all play and cuddle with one another. It is our special time and it is healing all of our hearts. They are doing amazingly well and, while it has been a major struggle in so many ways, I am getting through each day a little bit stronger and more whole than before.

That brings me to the present. I greatly miss my feline companions. And, Maddie, who has always been around cats, seems lost a bit as well. I had planned to take Guinness back, but everyone is doing so well that I can't see causing further stress. And, there was one more issue. A  few weeks after I brought my babies back to their forever home, I received a notice from my apartment's management company stating that they needed to see vet records to determine whether my pets were spayed or neutered, up-to-date on their rabies vaccine, and, for the cats, declawed. I called them immediately and informed them that my dog could not receive the rabies vaccine (or any vaccine, for that matter) due to a very severe medical allergy. I also mailed, faxed, and e-mailed information about declawing and why it did not serve the purpose of protecting property as they management thought. I sent everything I could find, informed them about nail caps, and crusaded despite my lack of a cat in the home. Unfortunately, while the apartment manager was swayed, the company she works for was not. Had I known that this was an issue for them, I would have backed out of my lease - I would never have declawed any of my cats. As for my dog, I had to pay to have a titer done to ensure that she was protected from the rabies virus. In the end, I decided to stop fighting, though I will still periodically send e-mails and letters about the dangers of declawing. I do love my apartment. It's affordable, in a lovely neighborhood, is safe, and is close to work. Madeline is thriving here and I have come to see my apartment as my home. Our home. So, I made a decision. Once I was able to return back to work full time, I would explore the option of adopting a cat from the shelter or local humane society who was already declawed. I don't agree with declawing, but I do believe greatly in rescue. I wasn't sure when that would happen or if I'd even be able to adopt after the sadness I had experienced, but that time came sooner rather than later.

To be continued...

I returned to work full time two weeks ago. My benefits were reinstated as of today. I did well on my work performance review and am expecting a small raise come March. And, I will return to outpatient treatment for my eating disorder at that time as well. Since I work at a veterinary hospital, we often have pets that are available for adoption through the local humane societies and shelters. I have not been actively looking and, truth be told, I haven't wanted to. Since I miss my babies, I usually stop by the adoption center and play with the available cats and kittens once or twice a week. It has helped me heal and it helps them feel more relaxed, comfortable, and safe in their environment - not to mention that it helps to socialize them. Well, I went into the adoption center yesterday and was immediately tapped on the shoulder by a cat. That cage had been empty so it surprised me when I felt something on my shoulder. When I peered in, a tiny face looked back at me. And, within seconds, she had pushed herself against the cage bars and was trying everything she could to rub against me. I was taken aback at first, but soon was petting and talking sweetly to her. And, when I would stop, out came that paw to tap me on the shoulder again! I decided to take her out as she was obviously starved for attention and she was absolutely precious. She was winding herself around my legs and trying to get me to pick her up. I sat on the floor with her for a few minutes and she did nothing but try to head-butt me and give kisses. My break was almost up, though, and I had to put her back into her cage. And, as I did, someone walked in with the paperwork to be attached to her kennel door. The poor baby had just been surrendered by her elderly owner as she had developed a severe lung disease and could no longer keep her. She had been spayed and front declawed as a kitten since her owner also had frail skin and could not risk getting scratched and developing an infection. She was 8.5 months old and had been socialized with dogs. And, she was taken in by a humane society who does a lot of work with our veterinary clinic. I felt something - a twinge that maybe she would be the right kitty to bring home. But, my broken heart said otherwise. Well, in that moment anyway.

Back to work I went, but I couldn't get her out of my head and I found myself frequently walking back to the adoption center to see her. However, I kept telling myself that it wasn't right and that I needed to continue to walk away from, not to, this kitten. But, when I saw someone interested in her, I felt something change within me. My cats, even though we're not together all of the time, are still loved and cared for by me and my roommate alike. They have a home where they feel safe and secure. They have food in their tummies and receive scritches behind their ears. They wouldn't want me to not have companionship from another cat. And, poor Cassidy and Finnegan would never want me to feel lost or alone. Maybe, adopting this kitten could be the right thing to do. So, as I watched the other individual fuss over her, I called my contact at the humane society. She forwarded me to someone else and, within minutes, I had the adoption application in front of me and half filled out. The application, at that point, was a formality and I knew that this little girl was going to be coming home to live with me in just mere days. There is now a sign on her kennel that says "Almost Home." She truly is almost home as I am planning on going to the pet store this evening to purchase everything that she will need. And, if all goes as planned, tomorrow will be the big day!

Her name is Lulu, but I am planning on changing that. She should have a new name for her new life. As I stated before, she is 8.5 months old, spayed, and is front paw declawed. It turns out that we did the procedures and I have access to all of her medical information. She is on the small end, I think, but she may grow more as she is still just a kitten. Coloring-wise, it is always hard to see in the adoption center due to the fluorescent lighting, but she appears to be a patched tabby or torbie. She is a DSH and has the sweetest little face. I will have an exam done on her before bringing her home, but she looks healthy and in good condition. Her eyes, nose, and ears are clear from discharge or debris and she is a good weight. She is a very friendly little kitty and loves attention - after all, was it not her who tapped me on the shoulder?! 

In the end, I am feeling so many different emotions that it is hard to decipher what is what. But, I do know that one of the feelings I am experiencing is happiness. My five cats were the loves of my life. And, I will always be there for my remaining three. And, Cass and Finn will always have a place in my heart. I don't think it is any coincidence that this little cat caught my attention yesterday. I have been struggling a lot lately and my cats have always been there to comfort me. They were the reasons I kept going when I felt as though all I was capable of was collapse. I have Madeline and I adore her more than words can express, but there has been something missing since Cassidy and Finnegan passed and I had to take my other babies back to their home. And, the truth is, I have been what has been lost. I have a choice to make this year - I can go back and live in a hospital bed and walk the beautiful grounds of a residential treatment center or I can make my life the beautiful life that it has always been, but I have failed to see. I know I may have made some decisions that others may frown upon. But, I have always made those decisions out of respect and love for those who have loved me unconditionally. I am not perfect, but, then again, is anyone? Last year was a difficult, painful year. But, due to the lessons of 2012, I think I know which choice to make going forward. I may struggle and I may falter, but there is always hope. And, there is grief, there is happiness, and, today, there is even a little bit of excitement.

Thank you all for still being here after all this time. And, I hope you can find it in your hearts to welcome me back. I know that I sometimes need a friend and I'd like to be able to come here and find what I am looking for - no matter the reason. Besides, I am going to need help naming the little sprite once she comes home tomorrow! I love you all. And, it feels good to be back.

It's so good to see you again! 

I'm sorry to hear life has been throwing so many difficulties at you, especially the loss of Cassidy and Finnegan.   I read your whole story and have to say you sure do the right things for your animals - all the way - no matter how difficult it is for you, you are looking out for them! I hope you continue to heal, too, and I love your statement: "...or I can make my life the beautiful life that it has always been, but I have failed to see." 

Like I said, SO NICE to have you back!

back! I'm so sorry to hear about Cassidy and Finn, and that your other three couldn't adjust to the new apartment after all the upheaval in your lives. It really sounds like fate brought you and Lulu together - congratulations on the new addition! that you can get your health back on track and settle into your new life.

I'm sorry for the loss of your beloved cats.  I think you were brilliant in adopting a cat that was already front declawed.  Previously declawed cats need good homes like yours, where they won't be "thrown out to the wolves" with no defenses.  I have wondered about you often.  I hope that you'll be able to post more, as time and health allows. 

I am happy to hear from you. 

Glad to see you back. I was wondering why you hadn't mentioned your cats on FB lately, only Madeline. This new kitten is surely meant to be yours.

BTW, did the contract you signed say cats have to be declawed or is that something the company came up with after the fact? If it's not in your contract they won't be able to enforce it legally.

I'm so sorry about the loss of your kitties.  There never is anything easy about life. If I have learned anything about life is that it can be full of disappointment, unfairness, cruelty, etc. We all endure hardships of all kinds, but it isn't until you endure them that you truly realize how strong you are and what is really important in life. I believe that until you endure a real hardship you can't be truly aware of your surroundings and what you still have left to live for even though it may not seem like it at the time. Once you get past the anger, grief, sadness, and forgive yourself - that is the only way to move forward.

I did read through your whole story and it sounds like you have endured so much, but despite that, you were still able to make the right decisions - no matter how difficult. That in itself it being completely selfless and putting everyone else first.

I think that the kitten that tapped you is a true sign. Afterall, they pick us, and not the other way around. Do not let this opportunity pass because she will bring such joy and happiness in your life. I recently had the same thing happen to me, losing two cats within 3 months, but one was expected and the other a complete slap in the face.

As you said, we are all human, make mistakes, but all too often people are quick to judge when they have not been in another shoe's. It is easier to place blame on another rather than take responsibility. This is a hard lesson I have learned - and I try to ensure that I do not become like that by focusing on helping others.So focus on yourself - don't worry about what others think and do what makes you happy.

I know it is easier said than done, but it is a work in progress, and some things are worth fighting for. Do what is best for you.