My baby girl is gone

My poor kitty Caspurr finally had to leave me today., and I feel absolutely horrible about her last couple days with me. Friday morning began with her getting attacked by the dog twice, and today was awful. I was going to reschedule her appointment today because of the weather (living in the country means your road gets plowed last), but my mother insisted we go today. Not because she cared about the cat, but because she was in a foul mood when she got home after sliding most of the way home. We slid quite a bit on the way to the office, and Caspurr peed in her carrier. A urinalysis was done with the urine in the carrier and she was found to have a UTI. I should have known how bad she was when she was laying in the corner on the floor at the vet's, eating litter, and vomiting up white fluid). She was given an antibiotic and some vitamin B to help stimulate her appetite, and for whatever reason, the vet gave her an enema. I have no idea why, but since I was so distraught, I did not question it much. I took her back home and she kept needing to move her bowels about every 2-3 minutes. The mess wasn't the problem - it was the fact that she couldn't even relax in her final hours, and she was straining herself so much trying to move her bowels and producing a tiny bit of fluid that she began to bleed from her backside. I stayed with her the entire time after her vet visit, leaving only to get more towels to put under her. I snuggled with her and told her I loved her because while I said I wanted to have the weekend with her, something told me after I got home that she wouldn't last that long. She became very lame, not even wanting to lift up her head or open her eyes, and for some reason, I chalked this up to the antibiotics and enema - I wouldn't want to move if I just got shots and an enema either. But then her eyes bolted wide open and she started twisting and lurching around and sticking her legs out to claw at the air. She never made a sound the entire time. I lifted her onto a towel and she was...somehow limp, but stiff, and she never blinked, but her pupils were totally dilated. She continued to stretch her legs and reach for something in the air, so I told my mother I can't let her go like this all night and let her die on her own. The driveway was not plowed, so Mom tried to shovel it (and it's a big driveway), but she ended up getting the car stuck in a pile of snow and we had to call a nearby friend to give us a lift to the clinic in the middle of a snowstorm. By the time we got to the clinic, Caspurr was foaming at the mouth. Her blood pressure was so abysmally low that the vet couldn't even find a vein to administer the pink liquid, so she just stuck the needle under Caspurr's front leg/arm. Caspurr didn't even flinch and her final moments were much more peaceful than I thought (yes, I made the decision to stay with her).I feel awful about the way in which her last hours went. Why did I not opt to help her pass the first time I was at the vet's? Why was I so stupid about how bad she was in the morning? I will never ever get the images of her writhing around in what I can only imagine is pain out of my head and I feel like a failure as a cat owner for letting her suffer like that. I don't doubt helping her pass on was the best thing to do considering how bad her condition was, but I'm never going to forgive myself for letting her suffer. I have no idea what caused her death - I don't know if it was an infection, cancer, or something else. I have but two regrets: Not letting her cross the Bridge before she reached such an awful state (and saving her further suffering), and any time I ever took her for granted in her almost 15 years with me. Right now, I would give anything to have her back for just a few minutes, meowing for food or patting me on the nose in the middle of the night. At the very very least, I'm glad I was able to have one more Christmas with her. Rest in Peace, my sweet Caspurr. March 16, 1998 - December 29, 2012. I love you, I miss you, and I'm sorry if I ever put my comfort above yours in your final weeks with me.

I'm so sorry to be reading this, especially since I thought she was doing better.  I know you are in shock right now, and blaming yourself, but it seems obvious that your Vet didn't know how bad it was, or you wouldn't have taken her back home .  It's terrible when we see our loved ones suffer, but now she is at peace,   My heart is breaking for you

Rest in peace, sweet Caspurr

I'm very sorry about your loss. It must have been a horrible experience for you, but you were trying to do what you could to help Caspurr, and second guessing yourself is natural when you lose a pet or person. Eventually the good memories from 15 years of companionship will come to the fore.

RIP, Caspurr.

iM SO SO SORRY TO HEAR THAT, i KNOW RIGHT NOW YOU ARE BLAMING YOURSELF BUT IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.  YOU WERE A  GREAT CAT OWNER! YOU WILL BE IN MY PRAYERS I WISH I WAS THERE TO GIVE YOU A HUG.

LOVE

BRANDI

Thank you for your kind words. I know I'm acting like the first person to ever have to put a kitty to sleep, but it is a first for me. The couple other kitties I had in the past died on their own (one of feline leukemia - Caspurr's mother, actually - and my tabby cat Mollie, who I believe just died of old age), so they made the heartbreaking decision for me. Had I left Caspurr to her own devices, I think she may have done the same since she was having seizures that cats sometimes get before they die. But I didn't know if she was in pain or suffering and I didn't want to take the chance of prolonging her seizing for hours. I have never known a cat quite like her either. Caspurr was independent and very much marched to the beat of her own drum...but you were her bestest friend when she wanted food. Which was about every 3-4 hours and she was not shy about letting everyone within a 50-foot radius know she wanted to eat. And I'm trying to remember all her funny little quirks and all the mischief she got into, like her sleeping on my legs every night (and cleaning herself while doing so), her patting me on the nose at 4 am because she wanted food, and proceeding to walk back and forth across my head if I chose to ignore the pats. I remember when she got stuck on top of the refrigerator trying to get at some cat treats and couldn't get back down, and I remember how she would meow with a sort of upward inflection as if she was asking a question. I remember always laughing when she would sharpen her nails on the rug and look kind of like she was shimmying, even though I knew she shouldn't be clawing the rug. She's also the only cat I have known personally that flinched when her nose was touched and I admittedly did just that a lot because I thought her reaction was funny. She had me trained to carry her over my shoulder with one arm and do whatever I have to do with my other arm, and she loved being cradled like a baby. She used to only sit on my lap when I was at the computer, and due to the tiny space my desk is, she would always have a drawer knob digging into her ribs. That didn't stop her, and she would roll herself into these uncomfortable-looking positions where she was on her back and had her hind legs clutched between her front ones, and then she's growl and hiss when I dared try to move her. She would always have to follow me into the bathroom and want to be petted and then would do things like violently rub her cheek on the corner of something or lick the bottom of the bathtub. Never ever a dull moment with this kitty. Even when she was in her final hours, she continued to enjoy getting her back scratched. She always loved that and even when she was too sick to lift up her head, she would arch up her back like she did so many times before when I scratched right below her tail. Looking back at photos of her - even ones that I took just back in September and October - I still cannot believe it has already been 14 years, going on 15. A decade and a half since I first saw my kitty girl and held her in my hands not long after she was born and cleaned off, getting to watch her grow from a totally helpless kitten into a beautiful lady with an attitude and a personality all her own. I honestly don't think there was ever a time in her whole life I was angry at her. Not even when she woke me up and I was exhausted. Thinking of the good times makes me smile a little through the tears, but I know I will still cry for her for a while too. I'd do anything to be able to hold her again or even just hear her happy little meow one more time.

I'm crying for you right now :'(

I know exactly what you are going through right now.  Don't blame yourself for not letting her go sooner.  I did the same thing.  First and foremost, these "animals" are our children in every sense of the word.  They want to be with us too.  And we keep them as comfortable as we can for as long as we can so that they can stay with us.  It is just so unfortunate that at "the end", their body shuts down, sometimes in different ways. I watched my Mother go through the same thing.  People are kept alive and comfortable, and then sometimes, as they are passing, it seems horrible.  Second, as humans, for some reason we say up until the end "they'll get better", or "there must be something else we can do that we haven't".  In our hearts we know the truth.  It is apparent that as soon as you saw her suffering was not tolerable to her or you, you let her go.  Cry away so the bad memories will go away and leave you with the good!
 

We all feel your pain. I'm so sorry about your loss, but now she is at peace. Just remember all the happy times that you had together.

soo sorry about the way she passed,it is very hard to decide to let a pet go,I've had to do that and know I waited too long and somehow that decision was made for me by the pet.  You hope for a miracle and when it doesn't come,you get paralyzed and can't do what you know you should.  Caspurr is free of pain now which is all that matters,RIP. Take it easy on yourself and don't let others that may not understand get to you,they don't know better.

I guess it was too much to expect a second miracle after Caspurr got better from the esophageal stricture all on her own. A little part of me thought maybe she'd be one of those kitties that manages to hang on for a few months despite having cancer. But I don't even know what caused her to die (from what I have found, a cat will begin to have seizures like she did a few hours before death, so she was definitely on her way). I don't know if it was her lung mass, or possibly the UTI or something else that managed to develop between her last blood tests and this week. I did not opt for the necropsy or autopsy or whatever it's called for cats because if I found out the cause of death, in fact, something preventable/treatable like the UTI, I would probably go crazy knowing that I essentially neglected her to death. As awful as it seems, I would rather remain ignorant to the true cause of death and just assume it was cancer or something I did not know about that managed to set in in her final days. I was glad she was able to recover somewhat and have an alright quality of life for a little bit before declining again. And I'm glad she didn't have to be alone on her last day. My last kitty that passed away was rushed to the emergency vet's and he just died right there on the table without me to hold him or even to hear my voice. It's been seven years since that happened and I still have difficulty getting over that. Had she left me in a warmer month, she would have been buried in the backyard along with my late tabby cat, but since I had no idea where I could put her until spring, I opted for cremation. Why is it that post-mortem options for a person's or animal's remains only seem gruesome when it happens to one you know personally? Either put them in the ground or burn them. And of course, now I wonder how much time I have left with Caspurr's brother. I think he might have some kitty conjunctivitis going on in his one eye, but otherwise he seems to be in good health.All 20 pounds of him. But for all I know, he'll get sick and die in a month or two as well. Again, thank you all for your kind words and just for reading/listening. I know everyone here has dealt with the loss of at least one kitty, but I'm very grateful for being allowed to just talk, especially to folks who will not tell me, "It was just a cat, I can't believe you spent $4000 on a cat, etc."

Aww, I'm so sorry to hear that, your cats in a better place now.

.  Try not to worry about Caspurr's brother.  There is no reason to think that he won't live much longer just because she is gone now.  He hasn't been diagnosed with cancer or anything, has he.  You're just running scared now, which is normal .  And I don't blame you at all for not finding out what actually happened in the end...what good would it do anyone?  She was ill, had just gone through a major crisis, still had the cancer to deal with, and apparently it was just too much on her .

You know, come springtime, you can always bury her ashes next to your other cat in the yard.  

Try not to be too hard on yourself.   At least you were with her, which I know you thought you weren't going to be able to do!  You DID it, because you loved her so much

I am so sorry for your hurting

I know I'm just worrying too much about Rolly. I look at him doing things he's been doing for years and get scared that he's dying too...like thinking he's sleeping too much or his eyes aren't open enough. He's been a couch potato for years, but it seems like something to worry about after losing a kitty that also appeared totally fine until her last month and a half of life. And even then, I don't think she began showing actual signs of her cancer until her last few days when her breathing became rapid (her lung mass was found during an X-ray that was done to determine the cause of her esophageal stricture). For all I know, Rolly has cancer too and I just don't know it. Same with my younger cat Kip. I knew I didn't want to do chemo for her because I know while cats can handle getting chemo alright, I know they tend to feel icky afterward (and that chemo doesn't do a lot for feline lung cancer anyway). I didn't want her to feel lousy and live longer just for me. Also I'm glad I opted out of the thoracic surgery to remove the lung mass because I know the odds of her not waking back up were high and that recovery would have been painful (with no guarantee that it would have helped). I feel like I at least did those things right for her. I have no idea how conscious she even was because she was already seizing and foaming at the mouth (which I know means her body is shutting down), but looking back, I think I would have regretted not being there with her. She gave me so, so much in the last 14 years and while I can only hope her life with me was a good one, I'm glad I was able to be there with her. If it made her feel even the tiniest bit better hearing my voice - distressed as it was - I'm glad to have done it for her, and I think it provided me with some closure as well. I know I will still question my abilities as a cat owner for quite a while and go over what I did wrong for Caspurr over and over again, but I imagine a time will come when I can think of her and smile rather than tear myself up.

I just went through pretty much the exact same thing on November 20 with my Charlie, except for the snowstorm part.  Which I have to tell you was a great issue of stress for me, thinking what would I do if there was a snow storm and I couldn't get him to the hospital.  I didn't have snow, but I had cared for Charlie with cancer for 11 months and when he died I asked myself the same questions you are asking yourself; did I do enough, did I do too much, how was he feeling, did I deserve him or do I ever deserve to be a mother again?  Did I wait to long, could I have waited longer, done more?  Why didn't I plan for his death instead of having to take him when he started to go and see him scared, hearing my upset voice as he crossed over?  About that one, could I have lived with myself "planning" thinking he could have had weeks, months more?  Oh God above, I don't think I am saying anything that will necessarily help you with the answers, but please know that I completely understand.
 

I really did not know exactly how far along she was with her cancer because the lung mass was an unexpected discovery and it was never biopsied, but I imagine by the time it was found, it was advanced considering that on top of the lung mass, her lungs in general looked a bit cloudy. But that's kind of how it is with humans too - lung cancer often shows no symptoms until very late stages. Hopefully, in time, I will maybe be able to forgive myself for things I feel I did wrong in terms of her care. Of course, I've been going over her entire life lately and kicking myself for every little thing I think was a mistake or caused her to be upset...like not seeing her for most of the 4 years I was in college or shooing her out of my room when she wouldn't stop pestering me or any time I lifted her off my lap or closed her out of the room when I know she wanted to come in. I would trade anything to welcome her back to my lap or my room for just a few minutes to let her know that I wasn't rejecting her and that I still loved her. Even though I'm sure she knew that, I feel guilty that I ever did anything that made her feel sad, upset, or lonely.

I'm so sorry, what an awful time you've both had

RIP Caspurr 

I was browsing the cat site, I saw empirefalls' post in 'crossing the bridge' saw that in your reply you said your cat had died. As I had been following the story of Caspurr's illness with the feeding tube etc, I immediately thought of her. So I started looking through your posts and I found the post about her passing away. I just want to say how sorry I am, but she was an incredible cat and her esscence will never leave. And I can understand how you feel about Rolly because when our cat Flower died in December my mum couldn't let our other cats out the first night and we all felt really protective of them the first few days. But your amazing cat will never really have left you. I'm sorry that she had to go.

Thank you all so much for your kind words. I am slowly starting to heal, though I have been trying to distract myself to stop from crying all the time. My Caspurr made such an impression on me her whole life that I will never ever forget her. Part of me still sits and wonders what I did wrong, if anything. Like thinking, "She was 14 when she died and that is an average life span for a house cat. So does that mean she only had an average life with average care?" But I try to remind myself that had it not been for my family taking in her mother when she was pregnant, Caspurr might have been born a stray, picked up by a neglectful owner or hit by a car or killed by angry neighbors who don't like cats. I was only in fifth grade when she was born, but when I saw those four little newborn kittens, I immediately knew I wanted the little grey one with the white spot on her face. Actually, I got her brother because no one wanted him when we were finding the kittens homes, and I'm glad they didn't because I love my Rolly to bits and couldn't imagine him with anyone else. Had it not been for all those things happening, I'd have not had these two wonderful kitties who have made me so happy for a majority of my life.Despite being female, Caspurr has a male name because my cousin and I thought she was male when she was a kitten. But when we found out she was, in fact, a she, we attempted to think of a new name, but no other name seemed to fit. So Caspurr it remained. Don't mind me. Just reminiscing about my kitty when she was a wee one. I swear she stopped visibly aging once she turned about 5. Looking at all the photos I have of her over the years, she seemed to reach a certain size and just continued to look relatively youthful her entire life.

When Your Pet Dies: A Guide to Mourning, Remembering and Healing

by Alan D. Wolfelt PhD

$9.95

Good read.