Going to have to say goodbye to my kitty girl

runekeeper

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You can read more about my kitty's circumstances in this topic.

In short, my 14-year-old kitty Caspurr has been just in a steady decline for the last couple of weeks. I come home from a class trip and she's just not herself. Skip ahead and she is found to have a lung tumor, an esophageal tumor, and an esophageal stricture. For a while, I was hopeful - after all, she was still cleaning herself and walking around, meowing...doing cat stuff. She's been given all kinds of tests and recently had an endoscopy as well as a feeding tube inserted.

It was after this surgery that she seems to have taken a turn for the worse, developing a fever and just being generally sluggish. This is apparently strange for animals with feeding tubes because normally they perk up, but the vet feels the fever may be due to cancer and not any infection. Especially since her fever has managed to go up a whole degree in about 5 hours despite antibiotic treatment.

I was asked to consider euthanasia for her just because she's in worse shape than was originally thought and there is really no getting better from what she has. To be honest, while this is terribly upsetting to me, I am agonizing more over putting her through all these tests trying to help her. It breaks my heart knowing what will most likely be her last couple weeks of life will have been filled mostly with getting poked and prodded and being kept in kennels around strangers.

I don't think she's at death's door, but the fact that putting Caspurr to sleep was even suggested leads me to believe it must be pretty bad. I don't want my poor baby to suffer at all, but at the very least, I'm hoping to be able to see her one more time so I can tell her I love her and snuggle her.

For those who have had their dear companions put down, can I ask this: Would I be a horrible pet owner if I was not in the room if/when my kitty is put down? I don't think I would be able to handle seeing her die in my arms. Or should I try my best to be strong for her so she isn't all alone when she leaves me? I've never had to have a cat put down before - just about every other cat I've had has passed away on their own.

Due to her esophageal problems, I can't even let her have some of her favorite treats before she goes. It truly is a cruel fate for a cat that absolutely loves to eat to be stricken with, of all things, such a rare condition that would rob her of her ability to do something she likes so much.

I only wish there was some way to explain to my Caspurr why she's been getting all these tests and why I've been leaving her with strangers. I wish I could somehow tell her I was trying to do what I thought was best for her, and I worry now that maybe I was trying to keep her alive for my own selfish reasons rather than what was best for her. I just want to tell her I love her again. I hope I am at least given that much.
 

carolina

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:hugs: :hugs:
I understand how you feel.... And how serious the situation with your girl is.... Hun, can this wait a few days? She just got the feeding tube.... Any antibiotic will take a couple of days to start slowing down the bacteria, then after those couple of days it will start killing them. Five hours isn't nearly enough time to even start working and having an effect.
I am not sure about cancer, and not an infection bringing on the fever.... That's really odd :dk:
Don't take this the wrong way.... this has been a long road for you and her.... But I think for your sake, for your peace of mind, you will feel better if you give her a fair chance.... And imho giving her a few days of proper nutrition and medication might be that fair chance. She hasn't had that since she gotten sick.
It will take some time for her to recover, and thats only natural after what she has gone through.... It won't be in 5 hours or a day....
Whatever you decide, we will be here for you :hugs:
 
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runekeeper

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I thought that too about the antibiotics. Any time I've ever been on them, I didn't notice a decline in my symptoms until at least 3 days into the pills. Also, she started to get a temperature around 9 this morning - it was around 5 that her fever went up a bit (from 103.3 to 104.3). I don't know why she would be reacting to the feeding tube since the place where it's been inserted isn't swollen or leaking anything.

The way the vet spoke, they just sounded not too hopeful. My plan was to maybe keep the feeding tube long term and take her home to make her comfy and keep her fed and adequately showered with love...at least for a couple months. But why would she feel so sickly all of a sudden? Why the fever and lethargy?

If she looks like she has some life left in her and, with proper nutrition, could stay with me for a bit longer, then I will most certainly give her that chance. If that's the case, I wonder if I could bring her home to feed her and medicate her (could I dilute antibiotic pills in water and administer them via the feeding tube, I wonder?).

I just don't want to get my hopes up about anything. I've been doing that the entire time and my Caspurr has done nothing but get worse and worse. I will keep everyone posted on what's going on with her, though.
 

carolina

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Honestly? The stress of being at the vet alone is know to elevate the cats temperature to that level.... Why the decline? Because she was in a very fragile state already, pretty much without any nutrition for almost two weeks, then she went through a procedure.... Yeah, it will do that to a cat that's already weak....
If this was my kitty, I would bring her home, bring her food home, her medication, and treat her at home. Imho there, with you, is where she will have her best chances..... She needs a quiet and familiar place now, nutrition, medicine, and love :heart3:
If she turns around and starts feeling better, you make a decision of what to do when she is stronger.... For now she needs food, peace, quiet and love. She can have that by your side :heart3:
Also, the vet is talking cancer and not infection... Before you bring her home, since she is there, make sure he runs a full CBC on her. She might have a generalized infection, not at the site of the feeding tube. It will show on her wbc count. Some cancers show on it as well.
 
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otto

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Oh I would definitely bring her home, even if it is just to tell her all the things you said here, and to say good bye. Unless she is in some sort of agony, that needs to be stopped right away, bring her home for a day or two and see how she is. Being home may give her new spirit, to fight this thing.

Tell her how much you love her, tell her why she has been going through all these things, ask her if she has had enough, and listen with your heart. She will tell you, if she's had enough.

And, I have to tell you, if it does come to euthanasia, I think you need to dig deep within yourself for courage, and be with her. Euthanasia is a gift, a release from suffering. It is the final most loving act we do for them, we let them go when they've had enough. They are grateful. You will not be happy with yourself, if you aren't there when she leaves.

Speak to your vet about a home visit for euthanasia, if you think that would be better for you both.

:hugs: :hugs:
 
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GoldyCat

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I agree with what the others have said. Definitely bring her home. What antibiotic is she getting? Ask your vet if it comes in a liquid form. I've always gotten liquid antibiotics for my cats which is a good thing because none of them are cooperative about taking pills.
 

carolina

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I agree with what the others have said. Definitely bring her home. What antibiotic is she getting? Ask your vet if it comes in a liquid form. I've always gotten liquid antibiotics for my cats which is a good thing because none of them are cooperative about taking pills.
Oh, the liquid antibiotics is an excellent reminder, specially now that she has a feeding tube.... just give it right with the food..... No fight, no stress.....
More vibes going her way :vibes::vibes::vibes::vibes::vibes::vibes:
 

mrsgreenjeens

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Oh I would definitely bring her home, even if it is just to tell her all the things you said here, and to say good bye. Unless she is in some sort of agony, that needs to be stopped right away, bring her home for a day or two and see how she is. Being home may give her new spirit, to fight this thing.

Tell her how much you love her, tell her why she has been going through all these things, ask her if she has had enough, and listen with your heart. She will tell you, if she's had enough.

And, I have to tell you, if it does come to euthanasia, I think you need to dig deep within yourself for courage, and be with her. Euthanasia is a gift, a release from suffering. It is the final most loving act we do for them, we let them go when they've had enough. They are grateful. You will not be happy with yourself, if you aren't there when she leaves.

Speak to your vet about a home visit for euthanasia, if you think that would be better for you both.

I totally agree with Otto here.  Otto and I both lost our soulmate cats within the past year, and both of them told us when they were ready to go
,.  As heartbreaking as it was, for me, anyway, I also felt almost peaceful, because my Sven told me it was time, so I knew it was what HE wanted and even though my heart was literally breaking in half, I was right there with him and didn't break down until afterwards.  Then, of course, I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed (and I'm crying now just thinking about it). 

How IS your little one today...better? 
 
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runekeeper

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The good news is not only is Caspurr's fever gone (her temp is about 100 degrees), but she gained an entire pound from being on the feeding tube for just a couple nights.

She's still acting pretty listless, but as some folks have said, for all I know, that could be from her missing me. However, I was told the spot where the feeding tube was inserted is swollen (funny, I was told it was neither swollen nor leaking discharge yesterday) and that Caspurr is drooling a lot and occasionally spits up mucous/saliva. I'm told this is because of the stricture and the tube preventing her from swallowing said saliva...and I guess this is enough to consider removing the tube.

I'm to call the vet back in a little bit for an update and they'll let me know if they want to keep her another 24 hours to see if she can tolerate the tube better or if it has to come out. I just feel so bad - from what I read on my own and from what the vet told me, a feeding tube would not be overly bothersome for a cat. My poor kitty is probably sore and feeling like crap, and even the vets are saying her reaction to the tube is abnormal.

Even if the feeding tube gets better, is it right to keep it in place if it makes my kitty uncomfortable? I don't think I'm going to do anymore tests and definitely not doing anymore surgeries (unless they need to take the tube out, but I have no idea if she needs to be totally under for that or not). So if the tube has to come out, I'm back to hand feeding her, which absolutely does not provide adequate nutrition and there's always a chance she'll throw up what she ate. I don't know which is the lesser of two evils: Hand feeding her and have her be hungry all the time, or keep an awkward, uncomfortable and possibly painful feeding tube in (that keeps her adequately nourished). I don't want my kitty to suffer at all, but I'm hoping I can have her home for at least a few days. I just don't know which option (if I am left with a choice) would be best for her and her comfort.

One way or another, I just want her home.
 

carolina

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This is good news.... I don't understand the esophageal feeding tube as opposed to the one that goes straight to her stomach though, when her esophagus is so compromised.... Seems to me a feeding tube is essential for her to get better... :vibes:
 
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mrsgreenjeens

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I agree.  Don't know why they didn't put the tube directly into her stomach.  My Bashful has that kind of feeding tube, and he hardly even knew it was there.  He used to purr when he got fed too
.  He just had to wear a tube sock thing around his stomach to hold it in place.  But that definitely requires surgery, and I can see that you might not want to put her thru another one. 

Well, at least she's put on some weight with the other one, and her fever is down. 
for your dear brave little Caspurr
 
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runekeeper

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Unfortunately, the tube had to come out because the swelling wasn't going down, and now I have her back home with me. She perked up when she saw me, but is is definitely more sluggish than normal and she sounds like she's a little sniffly. I was sent home with some pain meds for her since she's still kinda sore. I've been snuggling with her all night since I got her back and she's taken a few moments here and there to clean herself and use the litter box.

I was told I could take her home and continue feeding her the watered down food. The vet was feeding her the same thing - the A/D canned food - about 166 mL a day. So a little over one full can. I have no idea how I'm going to achieve similar results because her current health issues will present major challenges. If her food is not diluted enough, she will throw it up. If I let her eat/drink for longer than a minute, she will throw up. While she is my main priority, I also have a ton of homework I have to get done (my professor did give me an extension on everything, thankfully). I'm going to have to feed her probably every hour, and that's assuming she's not too weak to eat on her own. Force feeding by hand would be out of the question due to the extremely high likelihood of regurgitation.

I also wish the food she needs wasn't prescription because I don't think the local clinic carries it and I only have about 4 cans left.
 
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runekeeper

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I think my cat is trying to prevent the other animals from seeing her in a weakened state (they already think she's hissing at them when she wheezes) and occasionally tries to hide. She doesn't really want me to hold her either. Thing is I don't have a room to close her in with absolutely no nooks and crannies - plus my kitty is quite thin and can be limber if she must. I just don't want her wedging herself between a wall and a dresser and then I find her dead a week later.I hate to ask...should I keep her in a cage to prevent her from running off?
 

mrsgreenjeens

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By running off, do you mean outside?  Does she have access to the outside?  Gosh, your situation is so difficult, because she will be this way for life, correct? I, personally, don't think I would put her in a cage for the rest of her life...what kind of life would that be?  Or are you just talking about until she gets over this possible URI? (I'm reading your other thread where you indicate she has a cold)

In all seriousness, what did the Vet's say for "going forward"?  Surely they offered some advice?  I'm just brainstorming here, about the feeding situation mainly, and thinking about those feeding stations.

Do you think it's possible to use one of those that distributes food a little at a time to distribute watered down A/D a little at a time, maybe hourly?  And I wonder if after you hold her upright after eating several times to keep her from regurgitating she might actually associate being upright with NOT regurgitating
.  For instance...hold her a few tmes where she doesn't toss anything up, then don't and let her do it
, then hold her up again so she can learn the different.  I think cats are smart enough to catch on, aren't they? 

Hoping others will jump in here and add their thoughts! 

 
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minka

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I would probably keep her in a room by herself regardless while she's sick. it might be a pain, but I'd just move the furniture somewhere else so she can't hide. Or keep her in a bathroom. You'll be seeing her every hour anyways.


:vibes::vibes::vibes::vibes::vibes:
 

speakhandsforme

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I have some thoughts in addition to what everyone else here has said:

--At this point, I would feed her whatever she wants to eat. If she wants A/D, then give it to her, but also maybe try deli meat, cooked turkey or chicken, anything she likes. It'll make her more enthusiastic about eating, and if she really is nearing the end of her little life, it'll make her quality of life much happier.

--As for when the time comes to put her to sleep, there are some vets that will do it in the comfort of your house. Call around and see if any of them will make a house call. It prevents the stressful ride to the vet for both of you, and will make her passing much easier if she can be at home.

Personally, I could never let my cat be PTS alone, but I certainly won't judge you if you feel that's what you need to do. All of us cope differently. :rbheart:

Good luck. :vibes:
 

whollycat

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Oh my. My heart goes out to you and your sweet baby girl. I wonder if kitten formula made with goat milk would be acceptable? I'm including the goat milk kitten recipe from my files just in case. Note this says 'kitten' but can be used for any kitty that is not feeling well or having problems--you'd have to adapt amount and frequency for your kitty, as this is only a reference for baby kittens. Goat milk is nutritious (as is the egg yolk) and any kitties I know of that have been fed this, there has been no vomiting like with regular cow milk (which most kitties can not tolerate).

Here's a basic kitten formula that you can make for your kitty (I'm not keen on store bought stuff, especially by Hartz--too many inappropriate ingredients!):

This is enough for 2 days for one 1/2 lb kitten's daily needs; you can keep for 1-2 days in fridge.

- 8oz of actual raw goat's milk or Meyenberg goat milk liquid
OR
if using powder
- 8 oz of freshly boiled water with 4 oz powdered goat milk, for example Meyenberg brand which comes in 4 and 12oz sizes (another good powdered brand is Mt Capra's CapraMilk [to give you an idea of what to look for in a powdered goat milk])

- 2 egg yolks (raw) - add when boiled water/powdered goat milk is cooled or it'll cook

- 1 tablespoon of any animal fat e.g. ghee, lard, duck or chicken fat

- 50 mg taurine (goat's milk contains a lot but this is insurance), use from capsules not tablets with minimal fillers--look for pure taurine

You'll basically end up with approximately 8oz liquid or 1 cup or 16 tablespoons. Should be given at warmish temp, not hot and not straight out of the fridge, kinda like a human infant's formula, warmish. Test it on your wrist first.

You want give between 1 to 2 teaspoons of this mix every 2ish or so hours. You can use an eye dropper, and with really teensy weensy peeps you can dip a cotton ball and squeeze the ball, but a dropper might be preferred even for wee ones. A pediatric syringe (holds 5ml) also works if it's smooth enough to squirt gently.

BTW, the Ca:phos of goat's milk seems to be about right (kittens need lower ratio than adult cats, but can be used for sick adult kitties), so no need to add a calcium supplement or anything else: Benefits of Goat milk.

I hope your sweet girly is doing better soon. It's so hard. Regarding when it's time to let her go, I went through this with my Tuffy and I didn't know if I could handle being with him at the very end. I decided to be there and haven't regretted this decision at all. He needed his mama there, as heartbreaking as it was.
No judgement if you decide not to. It's a personal decision only you can make.


Sending lots of prayers and cyber cuddles to your little one.
 
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runekeeper

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Thanks for all the great advice, everyone. Unfortunately, my kitty has lost her appetite (whereas prior to her surgery, she was ravenously hungry). I've been feeding her with a mouth syringe, which she hates. Yesterday she kept down all I gave her (about a whole can of A/D with water), but this morning when I saw her, she was just so out of it. She didn't even want to stand up and I stayed with her all day - I honestly thought she was going to pass away right in my arms. She moved around a teeny tiny bit (went from my bed to her carrier to my bed again), but I've just generally been snuggling with her all day.Unfortunately, she threw up when I tried to feed her today, including when I tried giving her water via mouth syringe. It worries me when I give her water this way because I don't want her to inhale it into her lungs. She's still sniffling and wheezing, but when she sleeps, she doesn't make any noise....which is odd, but I want to hope she has a little peace when she naps.I want her to be comfortable because I know there is no coming back or improving from any of this. But what would be better in terms of her comfort? Force feeding her (which she hates and probably gets stressed out from) and hoping it doesn't come back up, or letting her sleep all day and night? I don't want her to starve, but I know it's distressing for her when I shove a syringe in her mouth and she gags on her food (and throws it up moments later). Today, holding her upright doesn't seem to be working - I did the exact same thing as yesterday, but she started gagging even sitting up. Perhaps it was because I used Viyo instead of A/D. But it doesn't explain why she threw up water (it was lukewarm - I didn't want to burn her with hot water or shock her with cold). Unless it was a coincidence - yesterday she didn't vomit at all. Today she threw up some mucous after having nothing to eat or drink, and then a few times earlier tonight when I tried to feed and water her.Also, Kitty is not an outdoor cat - strictly indoor. But there are plenty of places in the house where she could squeeze into, even in closed off rooms. The vet didn't really offer much in terms of going forward or long-term care. Just that she is worse than they thought and that if I take her home, the care I provide would only be supportive. Also, I don't know if she has a respiratory infection or if her sniffles are a problem caused by the lung mass. She was on antibiotics while she was there, so I don't think it's an infection, unless it's a particularly bad one that resisted her medication. I wonder if this is simply my kitty getting near the end of her rope and just winding down, or maybe if today was just a bad day.
 
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