Mourning Sudden Loss

I still find that I am in shock that I have to write this. On 11/8 my husband and I had to put to sleep our beautiful 2 year old cat, Darcy. Darcy was acting completely like herself up until Wednesday. That morning she seemed lethargic and wouldn't eat her breakfast which is unusual for her and I noticed throw up on the floor and as she was the only one of our three cats acting strangely I assumed it was her. I immediately called the vet and took her in. They discovered that she had lost three pounds but being that she was so fluffy and still had a strong appetite we didn't notice (which makes me feel awful). The vet said they'd run some bloodwork and get back to us. When I brought her home she ate as she normally would but was still lethargic. When we woke on Thursday Darcy wouldn't eat and spent most of the morning in my lap or in a hunched position on the floor. When the vet called with the blood results they said that her liver values were too high and they said we needed to get an ultrasound and some fluids for her right away. We took her in and waited to hear what the ultrasound would show. The vet informed us that they found a mass on her pancreas that was blocking her gall bladder which was leaking poisons into her. They said that they were 80-90 percent sure it was cancer but they would need to do exploratory surgery to confirm and if it was cancer they would most likely put her to sleep during surgery. If it wasn't cancer then she may have three months but she would have been in pain. We made the gut-wrenching decision to put my baby girl to sleep and end her pain.

Now I am left with many feelings, shock, grief, anger, and guilt. We never expected this to happen to a cat so young and we just weren't prepared. I feel guilty all the time wondering if I made the right decision. What if it wasn't cancer and she could have made it? To make it worse I keep picturing my moments with her before the vet came in to put her to sleep. She didn't seem sick, she seemed so alert and I keep replaying the look she gave me before it happened and she looked so confused. It just breaks my heart. And now that we're home I keep imagining that she's still here, that I'm hearing the little bell on her collar, that any minute she's going to come in the room and snuggle me. Even though I have two other cats I just feel so lonely. Darcy was my best buddy and we spent all our time together, she would follow me everywhere. I find myself crying over everything, looking at where she used to eat, missing her sleeping by my side every night, the way she'd flex on either side of my neck like she was hugging me. I found one of her furs on my clothes and I lost it. It feels like my pain and my guilt will never go away. Another part of me feels the need to adopt another cat but then I'll feel like I'm betraying Darcy and trying to replace her when I know that's impossible. I'm sorry for the long post but I'm just feeling so lost right now.

Oh I'm so very sorry.  I read your post and just felt for you so much.  Everyone on this site will understand the pain you feel.  And it's natural.  There is no need for guilt, yet for some reason we still feel it.  The sense of concern about having done the right thing when you know deep down that it was your only option.

I can only say the obvious.. that time will heal the wounds, that you have such wonderful memories of your time with Darcy and that all of us who love our felines send our care.

So sorry for your loss.

I'm sure the shock is a terrible one to you.  And feelings of guilt are normal.  Our cats are SO good at hiding an illness that it's not unusual for it to be very serious before we see any signs of it.  Did you do the right thing?  Almost certainly.  You were looking at the very least at weeks of recovery from a serious surgery that might very well not have done her any good.  Nothing in this world is 100% certain, but I would say this one is close to it. 
 

I'm so sorry this happened to your beloved Darcy. You did the most loving thing you could do, free her from pain and suffering. Yes it hurts terribly, such a loss. You are still in shock. I'm so sorry.

Thank you for your support. I just still don't know that I made the right decision. Darcy was just so vibrant and young right before the end and I just feel like I killed her. I didn't give her a chance. I love her and miss her so much. I can't stop picturing her beautiful face looking at me so confused and my heart is broken. I'm just so lonely without her, even with two other cats in the house. They are older (12 and 13) and we just don't have the same relationship Darcy and I had. I just feel so alone.

I'm very sorry for your loss. Two years is just so young to succumb. You followed your instincts and spared her pain and fear - what more could you do? RIP, Darcy.

I am so sorry for your loss.  Also please do not feel guilty you did everything you could for your baby.  I am sure there are other people here who would have made the same decision you did based on the information you were given by the vet.  You had to make a very difficult decision and your baby will not be in pain.

Also please do not feel guilty about thinking of adopting another baby. Everyone grieves differently and sometimes adopting a new baby helps one to move forward.  No one can replace your baby that you just lost but there is nothing wrong with adopting a new kitty right away if it helps you.  In a way your would be honoring your baby by giving a new kitty a chance at a loving home.  Adopting a new kitty does not mean you are replacing your baby it is a way of honoring her by paying if forward.  No kitty will ever replace your baby but this may help to fill the hole in your heart the loss created.

Hugs to you during this difficult time.

YOu did the right thing. You got the tests run and followed the vet's best advice. Cats can hide their illness so well. I have a picture of our Speedboat the morning he was put to sleep. He was laying on the floor next to the kitchen door going out to the porch. He was beautiful and alert looking. Nobody except us looking at the picture would know about the weight loss and the failure to eat for two or three weeks.
I had syringed fed him and tended him like a baby. Don't beat yourself up. Cry all you want because it helps. One thing I did when my soul mate, Max, was put to sleep, is I wrote his life story. so I wouldn't forget all the unusual things he did. My husband could never bring himself to read it, but I do from time to time, and still cry. That was in 2005. Take all the time you need to heal. You will know when the time is right to get another cat. Hugs.

I'm so sorry for your loss. What a sad time for you, especially when it was so quick and Darcy was so young.

From what you've said you did everything you could, so please don't beat yourself up.

Darcy