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More feline resolutions!

post #1 of 14
Thread Starter 
[Kudos to "Debbie" at Yahoo!Clubs Animal Psychology.]

1. I will not be "Cute Kitty Extraordinaire" one moment and "Demon Cat from Hell" the next. It makes my humans wonder about my sanity.

2. I will not bite my human's feet as she tries to walk down the stairs.

3. I will not censor my human's reading material by batting away the book while he tries to read.

4. I will not climb 35 feet up a tree and refuse to come down just because the neighbor's dog barks at me. I will not do this when it is 39º F out and raining; and the only available ladder is 30 feet long. When my human tries to persuade me to come to his arms and be carried out of the tree, I will not jump 35 feet to the ground. (After doing so I can at least limp a little bit. I really tick my human off when I bounce off the frozen ground unhurt; and he is stuck up a tree clinging to a branch because I nearly knocked him and the ladder out of the tree.)

5. I will not dip my paw into my human's drink.

6. I will not do a high-wire act across the curtain rods.

7. I will not do acrobatics when my human puts a harness on me for the first time.

8. I will not do the Death Leap from the back of the armchair onto the male human's shoulder when he's playing with the new computer-system, as he appreciates neither my claws being dug into his shoulder nor the impact from my leap.

9. I will not drop my catnip mouse in my human's mouth when she's snoring.

10. I will not groom my private parts in front of company.

11. I will not have one of my so called "Kitty Seizure For No Reason" attacks when my human decides to pick me up — leaving three huge gashes in her arm, four extra holes in her shirt and a chunk ripped out of the couch.

12. I will not hide in the bathtub when my human is not looking and cause her to run around the house yelling for me.

13. I will not "hide in the house and not come out" when my humans call for me. Also, I will not stay in my hiding place as they check everywhere twice (and then stroll out when their backs are turned so that they can't see where I was hiding). I especially will not do this at three o'clock in the morning.

14. I will not hook a claw into my human's nostril to wake her up on weekends.

15. I will not ignore Grandma when she yells at me to get off the dining room table.

post #2 of 14
#14 is my friend Judy's cat!!! He is 20 years old, God bless him, practically blind and deaf. But when he is hungry at 5:30 am, he will get you square on the nose with exactly 1 claw.
post #3 of 14
#15 is my Mishmish. Actually she doesn't ignore my MIL, but hisses back at her and occasionally chases her and gives a warning tap.
post #4 of 14
No. 5 is my boy Bod, he must ALWAYS sample everything we eat/drink before we do! First he gives it all a good sniff - (just to make sure its safe of course), then he gives it a good prod with his fat little paw (just to make sure its dead I guess!), if we've got a glass of water, or any liquid thats slightly see through, he has to test that too by dipping a litter clad furry black paw in just enough to leave some nice little floaters on the top. Yum.

:laughing: :laughing2
post #5 of 14
My cats do all of those things. Niqui especially loves attacking my feet! I can't tell you how many times I have tripped over him! My cat Sammy did # 4 thank goodness we have a really tall ladder and I have a tall husband. He was way up the tree and just would not come down. I love all of the curious things they do
post #6 of 14
He he all cats are so funny!!!
I decided to post this here although it's a bit out of line. You might know it but it's still funny

 If I like it, it's mine.
 If I saw it first, it's mine.
 If it's in my paw, it's mine.
 If it looks like mine, it's mine.
 If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
 If I can take it away from you, it's mine.
 If there's more than one, ALL of them are mine.
 If you have something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
 If it's mine, it must NEVER appear to be yours in any way.
 If it's boring or doesn't taste good, IT'S YOURS!


 Aquarium: Interactive television for cats.
 Cat: 1. A lapwarmer with a built-in buzzer. 2. A four footed allergen. 3. A small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist. 4. A small, furry lap fungus. 5. A treat-seeking missile. 6. A wildlife control expert. 7. One who sleeps in old, empty pizza boxes. 8. A hair relocation expert. 9. An unprogrammable animal.
 Cataclysm: Any great upheaval in a cat's life.
 Caterpillar: A soft scratching post for a cat.
 Cat Scan: To look for a new cat.
 Dog: A cat device for running practice.
 Door: something a cat always wants to be on the other side of.
 Human: An automatic door opener for cats.
 Impurrsonate: To act like the cat.
 Kitten: A small homicidal bundle of fur on legs; affects human sensibilities to the point of endowing the most wanton and ruthless acts of destruction with near-mythical overtones of cuteness. Not recommended for beginners. Get at least two!
 Purrade: An organized march of cats.

 Purradise: The garden of Cats.
 Purramour: A cat lover.
 Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.
 Purraphernalia: A cat's personal belongings.
 Purrch: Any favoured feline napping spot.
 Purrchase: Anything bought for a cat.
 Purrgatory: A houseful of kittens.
 Purrmission: A feline hunting expedition.
 Purrpetual: Everlasting feline love.
 Purrplex: A house with two or more cats.
 Purrson: A male kitten.
 Purrsuit: The garment your shedding cat rubs against just as you are leaving home to go to an important meeting.
 Purrverse: A poem about a wicked kitty.
 Yawn: A cat's honest opinion openly expressed.
post #7 of 14
:flower: :flower: that was so cute!!!! :flower: :flower:
post #8 of 14
I hadn't heard that before, but I thought it was brilliant! I have printed it out and am going to make the "Cat Property" bit into a cross stitched verse to hang in my hall way! Its just soooo true! Oh it made me laugh! Got any more like that?! Please!?

:eye&mouth :laughing: :laughing2
post #9 of 14
There you go:
All Rules can be broken when you feel like it.
Don't worry about vet bills, someone else will pay.
Know where the sock drawer is for those catnaps.
Help with jigsaw puzzles.
Sniff every stranger.
Be astonishingly mysterious.
When in doubt, chase something.
Don't play in plastic bags.
Ignore your mistakes.
When in doubt, let your tail do the talking.
Never sleep alone.
Curtains are for climbing only.
All chairs belong to the cat of the house.
Baths are for Dogs!
Feeding time is when YOU want to be fed.
Go absolutely berserk for no apparent reason.
Scratching humans and furniture is a no-no.
Try to keep that mouse alive for your human.
Make the world your playground.
Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging a sock over it helps.
If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do.
When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to shut you up.
Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.
Nap often.
When in trouble, just purr and look cute.
Life is hard, and then you nap.
Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.
When in doubt, cop an attitude.
Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the next day, annoy them.
Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains are there.
Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner.
Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, "I care".
post #10 of 14
Yet another great "true to life" from you Billie! Thanks for cheering up my rainy day - thanks for your comments on my little baby leaving for Rainbow Bridge. :angel2:
post #11 of 14
Those were great and oh so true!
post #12 of 14
OK the last one I promise but it is so funny indeed:

Although I am too proud to beg, and may appear to be a very independent creature, I ask for your loving care and attention.

Translation: I'm the boss, serve me.

I rely on you for my well being much more than you may realise.

Translation: Go out and earn money to keep me in the style to which I intend to become accustomed.

This I promise you, my benefactor, that I will not be a burden on you nor will I demand more of you than you care to give.

Translation: The more attention I get, the more I want. You may have to hire another slave for me (by the way, I lie!).

I will be a quiet peaceful island of serenity for you to gaze upon; a soft soothing body to caress, and I shall purr with pleasure to rest your weary ears.

Translation: I will tear round the house smashing ornaments at 3 a.m., infest the house with fleas, and bite your mother when she comes to visit (did I mention that I lie?).

Since I am a gourmet who appreciates different taste sensations, I pray you will give me a variety of nutritious foods and fresh water daily.

Translation: I need Evian water, changed at least six times per day, chilled but not too cold. Any food offerings that you make, no matter how expensive, will be turned down if I think there is a chance that I can scrounge the three day old bread that next door put out for the birds.

You know dear friend, how I love to sleep. Allow me, I pray, a warm sheltered place where I can rest peacefully and feel secure.

Translation: Don't you dare wake me, I know where you sleep, and will get revenge - claw type bloody revenge!

If I am wounded in battle or suffering from disease, please tend me gently, and see that I am treated by loving and competent hands.

Translation: I reserve the right to mangle the most expensive hands you hire to treat me.

Please protect me from the inhuman humans who would hurt and torture me for their own amusement. I am accustomed to your gentle touch and am not always suspicious nor swift enough to avoid such malicious acts.

Translation: If you ever find out that it was me who bit your mother's thumb and gave her tetanus, I'll have to claim that she woke me up when I was having a bad dream.

In my later years when my senses fail me and my infirmities become to great to bear, allow me the comfort and dignity that I desire for my closing days and help me gently in my pain or passing.

Translation: When I've had enough of being pampered, please send me to my next reincarnation, where I look forward to being satisfactorily served once more.

Hear this prayer, my dear friend, my fate depends on you.

Translation: I might just accept you as slave, if you behave yourself.
post #13 of 14
Thread Starter 
Bravo! Your final grade for the course: A+ with honors.

post #14 of 14
Hey Joe hope you enjoyed them
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