Betrayed by my whole family for almost a year

callista · Oct 2, 2012

Your family doesn't seem to have any empathy in their hearts for you.

I wouldn't go so far as to say that about everyone... it could be that a lot of them have simply been intimidated into toeing the line. They "went along with it", like you said--maybe they just didn't have the guts to refuse. Family members can have a huge amount of power over each other.

Your being deaf might be a part of it, actually. I wonder whether they're going along with the old "disabled means eternal child" thing? That's about the most annoying experience in the universe to be treated like that. Heck, you don't even have to *be* disabled. Just perceived that way. And suddenly they're treating you like you're about three years old... I swear if I have one more person stoop down, stick their face in my face, and talk LOUDLY AND SLOWLY... I'm probably going to knock their block off. And they'll deserve it, too.

speakhandsforme · Oct 3, 2012

Callista said:
Your family doesn't seem to have any empathy in their hearts for you.

Click to expand...

I wouldn't go so far as to say that about everyone... it could be that a lot of them have simply been intimidated into toeing the line. They "went along with it", like you said--maybe they just didn't have the guts to refuse. Family members can have a huge amount of power over each other.

Your being deaf might be a part of it, actually. I wonder whether they're going along with the old "disabled means eternal child" thing? That's about the most annoying experience in the universe to be treated like that. Heck, you don't even have to *be* disabled. Just perceived that way. And suddenly they're treating you like you're about three years old... I swear if I have one more person stoop down, stick their face in my face, and talk LOUDLY AND SLOWLY... I'm probably going to knock their block off. And they'll deserve it, too.

Is having no empathy better or worse than having no backbone?

swampwitch · Oct 3, 2012

Pamela said:
...my reaction and email was exactly why they didn't tell me about Rusty. *sigh*

Your brother does realize that your mother DID tell you the truth about Rusty? Unfortunately, she did it in a very bad way, much later than she should have, and after getting everyone to lie to you, so all of that adds to the difficulty. You are now dealing with an additional stressful situation fabricated by mother. Ugh.

mrblanche · Oct 3, 2012

You know what, I'm going to go contrarian here.

I think your family mislead you out of concern and love for you. Rusty is gone; how she passed is a moot point. It turns out that the family did as you wanted them to, by having her put to sleep. Then they tried to protect you as much as possible.

Interpersonal relations is not an exact science, and we often do terrible things to each other with the absolute best of intentions. It sounds like there has been plenty of drama between you and your family over the years, and they wanted to minimize it. I can't blame them. And your reactions once you found out that they had tried to ease the pain for you seems to confirm their expectations.

Like most families, it sounds like yours has plenty of baggage. Someone needs to be working at reducing the pile, it seems to me.

natalie_ca · Oct 3, 2012

I'm going to go against the grain here.

I do think you are over reacting. Yes, you were told that your cat died peacefully in its sleep, when it was actually euthanized.

You family told you it died in its sleep in order to preserve your feelings, knowing how sensitive you are. And based on your reaction to finding out the truth, and your subsequent response to them by email, I personally think they did the right thing by keeping you in the dark. It's unfortunate that sometimes secrets tend to slip out over time.

I think you should let it go and move on.

blueyedgirl5946 · Oct 3, 2012

I agree with Mr. Blanche and Natalie. None of this is going to change the fact your cat is gone and not coming back. As much as it hurts, your family if your family. My mom and dad, grandparents, all aunts and uncles and some cousins are no longer here. I have my two sisters and I hope nothing will ever happen that will cause me to get mad and stay mad with them. Forgiveness is a big part of life. All of us have made mistakes. Maybe at some time you can talk it out with them and get them to understand how it hurt you, but you are forgiving them and moving on. I hate e-mail and texting and sometimes even telephones. If anyone has anything to say to me, I want it to be face to face.

natalie_ca · Oct 3, 2012

mrblanche said:
You know what, I'm going to go contrarian here.

I think your family mislead you out of concern and love for you. Rusty is gone; how she passed is a moot point. It turns out that the family did as you wanted them to, by having her put to sleep. Then they tried to protect you as much as possible.

Interpersonal relations is not an exact science, and we often do terrible things to each other with the absolute best of intentions. It sounds like there has been plenty of drama between you and your family over the years, and they wanted to minimize it. I can't blame them. And your reactions once you found out that they had tried to ease the pain for you seems to confirm their expectations.

Like most families, it sounds like yours has plenty of baggage. Someone needs to be working at reducing the pile, it seems to me.

That's pretty much what I wanted to say, but you said it so much better than I did.

angels mommy · Oct 3, 2012

I understand what some of you are saying, but remember she said she was deaf, so a face to face conversation may not be doable w/ some of the family members. Also that this was a point as well,

for her, that she tries to have conversations w/ them, but they don't even bother to learn/use a few signs they may know, or she tries to teach them, so they can have more conversations w/ her as well,

but it doesn't sound like they follow through. IMO, I think even though they may have been trying to spare her feelings, & meant well, there are other issues she also needs to get off her chest by communicating this to them. It sounds like they could be more considerate all together. (at least that's what I am getting from what she said).

callista · Oct 3, 2012

speakhandsforme said:
Is having no empathy better or worse than having no backbone?

I'd say that a good dose of empathy gives you plenty of backbone. If you care enough when somebody gets hurt, you're gonna have all the courage you need to defend them.

nebula · Oct 3, 2012

Pamela said:
I have not posted here much for the last couple years but I felt I needed to come here to express my feelings and get your advice about this.

I just found out last night that my whole family (including neices, nephews, nephew in laws, neice in laws, etc) lied to me for almost a year. I just can't get past that fact.

What basically happened was that last night, we got together for our regular family dinners (everyone would come on sunday for dinner together). Dad happened to invite someone from church to join us.  During the dinner conversation, the visitor talked about his dog which passed away. My mom told the guy that she understood the pain since a while ago we had to put Rusty (family cat who lived to be 25 years old and was originally mine until I went to college) to sleep.

At that point, I was taken aback and when mom realized what she said, she immediately clapped her hand to her mouth then started laughing. I looked at her and said, "Put to sleep? But you told me that she passed away at home?" she just kept laughing and wouldn't answer. I looked over at my sister and then at rest of my family and they ALL had the same face expression.   They avoided eye contact with me. I asked why was I lied about to this? Especially since I had mentioned to mom and others that Rusty needed to be put to sleep several times because I could tell she was suffering and mom kept agreeing but was too busy.

When I asked mom this, she said she didn't want to deal with my emotions due to one episode when our family dog passed away while I was a teenager.  That was over 25 years ago when I was a teenager and you know how hormal teenagers are!

I felt like I was treated as a little girl being patted on the head while being told that the pet is now living happily on a farm but really that pet was put to sleep.

I realized that my sister and brother even lied to me when I asked where Rusty had passed away, my sister said she went over to the house in the morning to check on Rusty and Rusty had passed away peacefully in her favorite spot in my parent's bedroom.

I felt so betrayed, demeaned and insulted. After dinner was over, I really wanted to get out and go home but I wanted to handle this maturely so I started cleaning up.  When mom left the room for something, my sister came over and tried to tell me that mom meant well. I couldn't believe it. I told her, "She lied to me. YOU lied to me. EVERY ONE of you lied to me and the worst thing is ALL OF YOU knew the truth except me. That really makes me feel part of this family- NOT. How could I trust you again?" She said she knew it was wrong and that they tried to tell mom that it was wrong to not tell me the truth but they decided to go along with mom's story. I told her that was still wrong and that she CHOSE to support mom in this lie. As our discussion started to get a bit heated, my mom came and told me she wanted to talk to me in her bedroom.

When we got to her bedroom (sister followed), mom started defending her actions by saying that she was worried about how I would react and that she thought this was best. At that point, I stopped her and said, "Mom, I am 41 years old. I've lived for many years on my own, I have had to put a cat to sleep by myself in DC and I handled it just fine. Why would you think that I couldn't handle this?"

Mom said, "well, you have to admit that when you found out Rusty had died, you did lose it."

I interrupted her to say, "That's your definitation of losing it? Yes, I grieved but I didn't wail or sob uncontrobably like I did when I was a teenager for heaven's sake! YOU are over exaggerating."

Mom looked at me and admitted that MAYBE she exeggerated a bit which I disagreed with- she over exeggerated a lot! I was there, I know what I did and said.

At that point, she lost it and started screaming at me about how I would often miss family dinners on Sundays, and if I did come, that I'd let her know 5 minutes before that I was coming and that I was not willing to be with family.

I ended up walking out. I have not seen or talked to my family since then.

Mom texted me this morning saying how she was sorry and that she meant well. My sister texted me also to ask if I was okay. I have not replied to either one of them. At this point, apologizing is just empty words to me because they have said and done things in the past that has hurt my feelings and they would apologize then keep doing things again.

I am soo devastated. I cried for over 4 hours last night and still am suffering a HORRIBLE headache due to this. How could my whole family lie to me and how could I trust them again? At this point, I am not sure what to do. At this time, I do not want to see or talk to them.

Now, pls tell me the truth. What do YOU think? What would you do? Am I overreacting???????

I am not sure whether you would want religious based advice or not, so I will give both. Me personally, I am a Christian and I Believe when The Bible says that we are not to hold grudges (Leviticus 19:17-18, and that we are to forgive- Matthew 6:15 . Enough said on that (You mentioned your church, so I went out on a limb... did not mean to offend)

now for the secular advice, there are a lot of reasons to not hold grudges. I think this could be an overreaction on your part, this is what- a year ago? Secondly, medical proof shows that holding grudges & unforgiveness can cause all kinds of health problems. And as many others have said, nothing will bring kitty back. I know the phrase that the road to hell is paved with good intentions is true. In this case, I think the best plan of action would be to:

# 1- Allow yourself time to calm down

# 2- You already let them know how you felt, so that is a good thing.

They need to acknowledge that even though they meant well, they still hurt you.

Sources on physical affects of grudges & unforgiveness.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/forgiveness/MH00131

callista · Oct 3, 2012

Yeah, you're not supposed to hold grudges--you're supposed to love even your enemy--but remember that loving someone does not mean allowing them to hurt you. If you love somebody you wish to benefit them; allowing somebody to do something nasty doesn't benefit them. Like if you're training a dog--letting them bite you is a bad idea no matter how much the dog enjoys it, because in the long run the dog will be happier if it learns that biting people is not acceptable. I'm not saying your family are animals to be trained, but I do think that principle that love doesn't mean letting them hurt you applies to humans.

You don't have to roll over or apologize. You didn't do anything wrong. Forgiving them does, after all, imply that you know you have been wronged--and that you choose not to hold a grudge over it.

libby74 · Oct 3, 2012

I'm getting here a bit late, but am going to throw my 2 cents worth in:

Pamela, I don't think you over-reacted at all. You weren't upset about learning the exact place of Rusty's death, you were upset because everyone in your family lied. I'm one of those people who places honesty above just about everything. I feel that if you lie to me, it shows how little you respect me. If you have bad/sad/upsetting news, just tell me and get it over with. I'm a big girl and I will handle it.

There have been times in the past couple of years when I have been left in the dark by my "well-meaning" family, at one point my own Mom looked me in the eyes and lied to me. When I told her I didn't really care about what had happend, that I just didn't want her to lie to me about it, she told me "I've never lied to you in my life". Our relationship changed in that moment, and will probably never been the same. Over the years I tried to make a joke of being "the last one in the family to know what's going on". I guess I was trying to let them know, in a polite way, that I didn't like being left out. I think I do understand a little bit of how you feel---your family shouldn't lie to you, if for no other reason than the fact that they ARE your family. Being the only one not aware of what really happened to Rusty made you feel like an out-sider.

I think that you need to put some time and space between you and your family. In my opinion, you didn't do anything wrong. Maybe your family was doing what they truly thought was best. Now they know that it wasn't. Give everyone time to cool off. I hope you and your family can manage to work this out.

angels mommy · Oct 4, 2012

Nebula, Good advice. Thanks for the reminder!!

nebula · Oct 4, 2012

Angels mommy said:
Nebula, Good advice. Thanks for the reminder!!

Thanks. I think people forget. Christians forget about The Biblical mandate, and other religions forget about the physical affects & health issues.

calico2222 · Oct 4, 2012

Pamela, I'm sorry this stress is the reason you came back (I've missed you BTW!) I can certainly understand why you are upset. But honestly, it sounds like, when it comes to Rusty, they had the best intentions. A little white lie the snowballed. Maybe you mom felt guilty because she was worried about how you would react if she told you she was putting her down and didn't give you the option of coming and saying goodbye? WE know you aren't a kid and aren't going to throw a fit, but a mother never forgets. Even though you are a grown women and independent your mom still wants to protect you from the harsh realities of life.That is a mom's job, to try to protect her kids from hurt, regardless of age. The rest of the family that went along with it was probably following your mother;s directions...again well meaning.

The reality is Rusty has passed. The hows, whens and whats don't matter at this point. He is at peace now and waiting at rainbow bridge.

It will take time for you to be ready to talk to your family and THEY have to make an effort to communicate with you,

I think you're email got a lot off your chest and hopefully will make them stop using kid gloves with you.

One thing I do have to add. Family isn't going to around for ever. My parents both passed and so have my grandparents. They were my core family. I would love to have good debate with my mom right now, or a hug from my dad. Or even a full out screaming argument, but it's never going to happen.

On day, you're family won't be there and it can happen suddenly. And then, it's no-one. And its' too late. Something to think about.......

]

Betrayed by my whole family for almost a year

callista

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speakhandsforme

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swampwitch

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mrblanche

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natalie_ca

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blueyedgirl5946

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natalie_ca

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angels mommy

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callista

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nebula

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callista

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libby74

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angels mommy

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nebula

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calico2222

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